Skip this post.

This is totally a mental exercise for me and will probably be boring to anyone else.
--------------------------------------

The last few WW meetings we've been talking about self-talk. How those negative messages play in our heads and we don't even realize it. The statistic is there are 300-1000 words running through your head every second; what are they????

It really got me started thinking and that lead to the whole, I've decided, thing. That works well. I have been working on making my self talk positive and as far as food and eating goes it's working well. I have not binged on anything in over a month. I have not given into mindless craving in forever. I eat what I want, when I want but all within reason. It's working well for me. I'm feeling great and I know it's going to start showing up on the scale soon.

Last night I felt so awesome after my class and I've been trying to figure out exactly why. There are the obvious reasons, I saw myself compared to others and I'm not that bad; the instructor didn't tell me to give up swimming; noone laughed :) But I was trying to really get down and figure out what's going on in my mind. I think I've got it.

When I was in jr. high I was an athletic fool. It was during the time when Title IV was new and I was one of the girls who pushed for athletic opportunities. I played football, bowling, volleyball, and ran track. I was really good at track, really good. I broke some school records and the teacher just loved me. Unfortunately right around this time I tore the cartlidge in my right knee. I was taken out of all sports and it took over a year before they did the surgery to remove it. By now I'm in high school with all the insecurities and issues that go with that, and they had taken away my identity really - sports. I was a really good student but sports was my love. After my surgery I was told that I would never run again and I would have to find something that did not involve pounding of the knees. I remember my surgeon saying I'd never be athletic again. I tried swimming for awhile but even then I was not a fast swimmer and soon gave it up.

The years went by and that really stuck in my head. I used to say I could not do things because of my knee. I did ride a bike regularly and for a few years I played weekend volleyball, but eventually something would happen and I'd hurt my knee. I even ended up getting discharged from the army because of my knee ( a long story best saved for another time).

Finally, about 10 years ago I said, ENOUGH. Pro football players are on the field 6 weeks after knee surgery I think I can run a little. So things built from there. I won't go into that I've written about it before and don't want to cover it again.

I think those things the surgeon told me 30 years ago is still playing in my head. I doubt my athletic abilities because I was told I'd never do that again. I think I've proved them wrong with 2 marathons, 3 sprint tris, and various road races. Now, if I could just prove it to myself.

Last night really highlighted what was going on in my head and now I know hopefully I'll be able to shake it. The mental games begin/end here. I am no longer trying to become an athlete, I am an athlete. I'm a pretty good swimmer. I'm a fine biker and not too shabby as a runner.

That's another thing. The group I trained with for the marathon last year really pissed me off. The coach took one look at me and decided I'd be really slow. Yes, I am overweight, but that doesn't mean I'm a walker. I can run pretty well for my size; I'd know I'd run a lot faster if I could lose this weight - which I will lose because I'm successful at weight loss :) Anyway, this coach just fueled my self doubt fire and that pisses me off.

So there it is. No more I want, it's all about I am. No more doubting my abilities, they are as good as anyone's.