13 May 2006

By special request....

Beansprout asked where I got my training program. I downloaded it from Trifuel.com. It's a pretty generic program it's just something for me to follow so I don't have that excuse for not training. I just like the way it's laid out too, it fits my life right now.

So the race I'm doing is: 2006 Tinman Tri. It's very scary. It will be the longest tri I've ever done but I figure if I'm facing down demons I may as well choose a big one.

Okay, I'm off for my first training ride. I have to do an hour slow and easy. Luckily it's an absolutely beautiful morning.

Time to face the truth.

Okay. For the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of deep thinking and I've come to a couple of realizations.

First, I kind of turned away from triathlon claiming I needed to lose weight. While I do need to lose weight, that was just an excuse. To myself I kept saying I just couldn't afford the entry fees what with the moving and all the new utility bills, etc. That too was just an excuse.

I turned away from tris for a number of reasons, none of which had to do with my weight (at least not so directly) or our financial situation.

I turned away because:

1) I lost my nerve. Having done 3 tris and freaked out in the swim on all of them I just plain lost my nerve.

2) I'm afraid. Afraid of not improving. Afraid of working my butt off and not getting any better. Afraid of getting better. Afraid of success. Afraid of failure. Just plain ole afraid.

3) I did lose my mojo. Totally and completely. I have, however, seen glimpses of it around here lately so I'm hopeful it will be back to stay soon.

Wow. Do you know how hard it is to admit these things?? My insides are all jumpy and anxious. But there it is.

Now, what am I going to do about it??? I've decided to face my demons head on. I'm going to do an olympic distance at the end of July. I am scared to death at the thought of this but if I don't do one soon the demon will take over my life. Actually, it has the last 6 weeks or so and I am tired of it.

I've downloaded a training plan and am ready to get started. I know that I will use all kinds of excuses to avoid training and thus the race but I'm ready. Knowing what's going on and what will happen really gives me the upper hand. It's when these things happened and I don't know what's going on then it gets the best of me. This time I'm aware of my fear and know I'll have to battle it.

You really don't know how hard that was. I've started to delete it 4 times but I have to face it head on. Very, very scary!!!!!

Okay, I'm off to bed. I have an hour long bike ride in the morning and I need to get started on my craft stuff to send out :)

11 May 2006

More baby steps....

Every single movement forward is a huge accomplishment. I came across a couple of sayings the last few days and they really speak to me right now.

Lose, gain, or stay the same. Time will pass regardless.....
Struggling with weight loss is a choice.

Uuuummmmmm, okay. Both of these statements are incredibly true and seem to finally cut the the carp in my brain.

So it's been a week of baby steps. I've exercised every single morning this week. Even though I did not want to get out of bed and this morning I farted around so long I really didn't have time to exercise. But, I have a 20 minute belly dancing DVD and that was perfect this morning. I've only done it like 2x so I really suck at it and yet it's fun and kind of makes you feel sexy. Exercise in the morning just puts my head in the right place for the rest of the day.

I've logged every single morsel that has entered my mouth so far this week. I haven't been really strict on the calories but exercise in the morning and writing everything down seems to naturally cause a reduction in calories.

I'm just feeling good. Not great, but really good. I feel like I'm making forward progress and that's what really matters.

My garden is totally taking off. I think I'll take pictures tonight. I have zucchini sprouts and beet sprouts. The snow peas just broke thought the dirt. My bean plant is getting little nubs like it's going to sent out stringers. My green bell pepper is not looking so good, I think I may loose that one.

I'm laying in bed last night and I kept hearing this rustling sound outside my window. At first I thought it was the dogs in the yard but then I realized they were laying on the floor. I got up to investigate and when I shown a flashlight down that side of the house there were 4 little kittens running around. Apparently the neighbors cat had kittens and they are just old enough to start exploring on their own. I worry about them because of the dogs. Hopefully the little kittens can run faster then my overweight dogs. I also saw them going into my garden. They better not use my garden as their litter box.

Well, that's all I have for now. It's a slow, steady progression I just hope I keep moving forward. Baby steps, baby steps.......

09 May 2006

Baby steps.....

So I've accepted the fact that I've totally lost my mojo. I can't find it anywhere. This however has lead to a lightening of the stress. Once I accepted that I'd lost it I realized it would return I just need to wait for it. So until it does return, I'm taking it one meal and one workout at a time and I've been doing fairly well at it. One of my favorite expressions is "Fake it till you feel it" and this works for me in exercise. So that's what I'm doing, faking it.

It was a busy weekend. I got my garden in and I'm so excited about it I can't believe it. I should take some pictures as this is my first garden ever. I also got the house cleaned and curtains made for the living room. A very productive weekend.

For those of you that responded to my offer, I'm on it. It will take me some time as each one will be personalized to you, so be patient.

Okay, that's it. Nothing to say so I guess I'll go to work.

Social media holiday

I've decided to take a break from social media. I spend far, far too much time just scrolling through Facebook. Yes, I get a lot of in...