12 April 2008

Come Saturday morning.....

I'm sitting here freaking out. I literally can't move cause I'm freaking out. You might ask why I'm freaking out. Okay, I'll tell you.

First, it's the race tomorrow. I always get nervous the day before any race, that's just the way I am. It's been cloudy and rainy for most of the week with little to no wind. If that continues through today, which it looks like it will, the swim tomorrow will be flat, calm, and cold. No sun to heat the water up. Yikes. But no wind to create nasty chop. Yeah!! So that's one part.

Second, I have to go pick up my taxes in an hour and a half. I know I owe, the tax lady told me that, but I don't know how much, too afraid to ask. So that's got me freaked out. Okay, and a little pissed. I'm going to scrape up the money to pay in 3 days, then the government is going to turn around in a month or two and send me a check for $1200. Does this make any sense at all??? If I could deduct that $1200 I wouldn't have to worry about getting my payment together. The federal government would not have to process my check. They would only have to send me the balance of my "incentive." So that's part of it.

Third, my car. I need some major work on my car and with taxes looming I've been putting it off. Then yesterday it developed a leak in the coolant system that we can't seem to locate or fix. We've tried a couple of things but none of the worked. Today we are trying something else. Hopefully that will do it. If not, I have to take it in on Monday. More money, that I don't have, flying out the window.

Why do these things always come in bunches?? We go along for months at a time with no major problems, thinks just flowing along. Then WHAM!!! If it was just the taxes or just the car, it would still piss me off, but I wouldn't be totally freaking out over it. But they are both hitting at exactly the same time. UGH!!!!

Okay, I'm going to try and calm down. I wonder if cookies would help? Damn, I have none!!!

11 April 2008

The rest begins....

I've gone back to serious weight training this week since I was 'resting' for the tri on Sunday. I've taken today off though because I want to be fully rested and chomping at the bit to move on Sunday. Tomorrow morning, early, I'm going to Kailua beach for a swim, but that's not really a workout that's more for the panic thing. Other than that, that's it. Rest, relax, eat well, drink lots of water. That's my plan for the next 2 days.

Tomorrow I pick up my taxes. I know I owe, I just didn't ask how much. If it's too much I may have to change my name and move out of the country :) I hate taxes. I hate the government. I hate entitlement programs. I hate welfare. I hate politicians. So there!!!

Well, I've done everything I possibly can to try and save Gulliver. I've contacted Best Friends, the best rescue organization in the world, and they have agreed to take his case. If anyone can get him off Fanning Island and back to the US it's them. I have complete faith in them.

So tax day is my birthday, and you have no idea how much I hate that. Probably won't have any money to celebrate since Uncle Sam wants my money :( But that's okay. Maybe Hubby will buy me microfiber mops for my birthday. I actually have one now and I love it to death. I love that I don't have to use any chemicals on the floor since that's where the dogs spend most of their days. I'd rather they not lay in chemicals.

This year is 49!!! I can not believe it!!! Next year I'm going to be 50!!! Maybe over the course of the next year I'll share the story of my misspent youth, because I'll tell you what, there is no reason on God's green earth I should still be alive. So many of the friends that I hung out with ended up dead or seriously messed up. I'm incredibly lucky I got out and away when I did and didn't end up like them. Incredibly lucky. In many ways I've lived a very charmed life and had I not been such an idiot I'd probably be extremely wealthy right now. I look back and see so many missed opportunities, but how can you know at the time if something is an incredible opportunity or a complete folly?? Oh well, I guess that's part of living and learning. Alright, not sure exactly how I got off on this tangent but I'll stop now. Time to get ready for work.

10 April 2008

This is a cry for help

If anyone out there knows anyone at all connected to Fanning Island or Christmas Island or the nation of Kirabti, please help save the life of a bird. You can read the whole story here. If you know anyone who might be able to help please forward the story to them. You can contact the person in the article or contact me and I'll put you in touch with the powers that be. If there's anything at all that you can do please help save Gulliver.

Facing Demons, the trilogy

So last night I did it again. Went swimming that is. We haven't had any real sun here in about 2 days, there's this weird weather thing going on with the volcano and everything - it's a mess. Anyway, no real sun translates into cold water. Very cold water. Plus the tide was coming in so it was a little bit wild, not as wild as it gets when it's windy, but decent.

So I got to the beach and because of the weather it was pretty empty. I stepped into the water and wanted to turn around and go home, it was really, really cold. But I pushed on. When I got fully in I discovered one of my problems. When my face hits the water the adrenaline surges and I think if I'm a little freaked out, that turns into a panic attack. I felt it starting yesterday but was able to talk myself down rather rapidly, so that was good. I swam for 15 minutes, because it's a 500m swim and I shouldn't take longer than that, and I never got warm the entire time - that's how cold the water was.

A few things I did discover:
- I am a pretty good swimmer. I swam out for 7.5 minutes and I made it a fairly decent way. I can't tell exactly how far since I can't measure on the ocean :) but it was pretty far. I'll probably never be super fast but I can hold my own.

-I'm a strong swimmer. I was making pretty good time going out against the current. I was surprised that I never got that 'I'm not getting anyway' feeling I often get in the ocean. Every time I sighted I was shocked at how close I'd gotten to the buoy.

-Once I get going I can keep my rhythm for a long time; 1, 2, 3, sight. I found that to be the perfect time to keep me on track otherwise I swim to the right.

I am well pleased with myself. I have 2 good outings to overlay the bad one. I plan on going out early Saturday morning before I pick up my taxes. I know I owe, I just don't know how much :(

Sunday is going to be great!!!!

09 April 2008

Facing Demons Part 2

So I went swimming last night. It was great. I now have a great memory to overlay the bad one. The problem is that we are having a weird weather system and that area was lake like. While I'm praying for that for race day, I wanted it to be wild last night so I could face the demon head to head. I'm going to stop again tonight, probably tomorrow night, and Saturday morning. That way by Sunday morning I should be incredibly comfortable with that area.

Now that the race is here, I've stepped up my weight training again. I've been focusing on tri workouts but now I'm back to serious weight training, and I can feel it :)

I've got a lot of work to do so I'll check back with everyone later.

08 April 2008

Facing my demons

Okay, I think I may have figured out my problem. It's hard to explain so you'll just have to take my word for it. I did a lot of thinking and writing last night and when I came across this particular idea the tension seemed to leave my body. The heavy weight that I had been carrying since Sunday morning seemed to lift. So I'm pretty sure I've hit the nail on the head. Well, tonight I test it out. Tonight, on my way home, I'm stopping for an ocean swim. Frankly I'm hoping it's a little windy and a little rough, I need to face the demon head on and the worse the water the better to beat it back. I will let you know later how this epic battle plays out.

07 April 2008

Not such a good swim...

Yesterday I met some folks at the tri site to swim. I thought it'd be great practice. My swimming is really coming along well and I thought this would be the perfect thing to do a week before the race. Ummm.... not so much. The beach where the tri will be is very erratic and unpredictable. Sometimes the ocean is smooth and still as a lake here. Other times it's like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, waves, currents, wind, it can be pretty miserable. So we got there Sunday and once everyone arrived we got ready and headed out. Now the water was cold. I mean cold enough to take my breath away. Big Time. I literally could not breath. Then, with the waves there, I started having one of my panic attacks. Only this one was a biggie. I couldn't breath because of the cold and now I couldn't breath because I was panicking. I rolled over on to my back and just floated trying to calm myself down. I was really having a hard time.

It was right around this time that I decided the others were on their own for the bike and the run. I was not getting out of the ocean until I had this damn panic under control. Anyway, I ended up spending over 30 minutes in the water swimming around trying to get a grip. I kind of got one and called it a day, but I wasn't pleased with the result.

I spent the rest of yesterday and all day today trying to figure it out in my head. Why does this happen?? What caused such a huge attack yesterday, I mean it was a the worst I've ever had. I don't have any answers but I do have a couple of thoughts.

First, they took off running into the water and I followed. I can't start that way. I always have to get in the water and warm up first. I use that time to adjust to the water temperature and to start calmly and get over the panic. I've found that works pretty well and I'm generally able to rein in my panic. I didn't do that and the reaction was bad.

Second, I'm trying to nail down my panic. I don't have a fear of the ocean, I love the ocean. I love being in the ocean snorkeling or diving or paddling or whatever. So it's not a fear of the water. I do question my swimming ability and I'm thinking that may be the root cause. I'm also really afraid of getting hit in the water, that scares the piss out of me.

Third, I need to get back into the water at Kailua Beach. I need to swim there a couple of times before Sunday to get this fear under control. I'm considering going there tomorrow morning though that presents some logistical problems I'm not sure I can get around. Plan B would be to go tomorrow night and I think that's what I'll do. I can hit there by 5:30pm and have a good 45 minutes to an hour to swim. So I think that's what I'll do.

Fourth, I can pray that Sunday the wind is gone and the water is lake like :)

I just wish I could get to the root of this panic. I really just don't get it and I know if I could figure out the root cause I would be able to conquer it. I'm reading/listening to Oprah and Eckert Tolle and I know it's my ego that is making me scared but I can't quite get a grip on what my ego is afraid of. Oh well, I'll keep working at it and hopefully I'll get it.

Sometimes things need to blow up before they can be fixed

So yesterday I kind of let loose on the 'friendship' chat. The girl who was away for a funeral was back and asked who was going to t...