17 May 2008

I will survive....

Yesterday I wasn't so sure, but today I am. I have not been that sick in a long, long time. I went back to bed this morning and got up around 10. Except for laying down for a little while around 1, I've been up all day. Granted most of it has been spent laying on the sofa watching TV, I've still been up :) I went to take a little nap and ended up reading a magazine. I was reading an article about people leaving their pets behind when they move because of foreclosure. Do you know how hard it is to breath when you're all stuffy and crying over abandoned animals??? It was not a pretty sight. Anyway, I can't tell you how good I'm feeling compared to how bad I was feeling yesterday. I'm going to workout in the morning, I'll probably just end up walking but I'm going to get out there and do something. I've got cabin fever.

Hi!!

Just thought I'd pop my head up and say hello. I have been so sick, I can't believe it. Yesterday it took everything I had just to get up to go to the bathroom. I couldn't stand for more then 5 minutes or I got all light headed and dizzy. And the coughing - forget about it!!! In the middle of the night last night I felt something had changed. I was suddenly breathing easier and could actually sleep, not pass out from Nyquil. I feel much, much better today though still not up to par. I got up to feed the animals and have a cup of coffee, now I'm headed back to bed again. My body aches all over from laying down but sitting or standing is not an option, so I suffer.

I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'll catch up on everyone's blog soon, hopefully today or tomorrow.

14 May 2008

I'm sick

All last week I felt kind of crappy and had a feeling I was coming down with something but I thought I was fighting it off. Last night I kept waking up because I had a tickle in the back of my throat. Nothing seemed to get rid of it. This morning I feel much worse!! I can feel my head filling with cotton. It's going to be a long day.....

13 May 2008

I ran

It wasn't far and it wasn't pretty, but I ran. I started taking fish oil capsules about a week ago and they really do seem to help with the knee pain. With no knee pain for a week, I decided now was as good a time as any to run. So I ran. As usual I was tempted to jump back in where I left off but thankfully common sense prevailed. I decided to go back to real basics.

Back in October when I started running again, I started at 2 miles and gradually added a mile a week. Before I knew it I was running 5, 6, 8 miles and, more importantly, felt great. So that's where i started again. I ran 2 miles. I will run 2 miles on Thursday and on Sunday I will run 3. I have a 5k in 2 weeks - no problem - and a 10k in 10 weeks - again, no problem. After the Tinman I will start in the serious marathon training. I may do some small sprints between July and December, but the main focus will be running. I'm excited.

I was really pissed off at myself yesterday. I really felt like I had made a huge discovery and then just tossed it out the window. I guess it's really not that bad as I did recognize what was going on and managed to get it under control. I wrote down everything I ate yesterday and I plan on doing that for a while. It really is the best way to get eating under control, at least for me. I guess I can put off the diet pills with Phentermine for a while. I'll see if tracking my eating works first.

Hope everyone has a good day, I'm off to get some work done.

12 May 2008

I've been fooling myself....

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about my revelation. And while that was true then, and still is now, I immediately took that revelation and when, ah, I got it, I can relax now. When in fact the last thing I should have done was relax. I should know from my food issues that even though I understand something and completely 'get' it, I can not let my guard down. I am battling years of unconscious programming. That won't be broken overnight.

So what have I done that's so awful?? I stopped paying attention to my food. I was eating well, I was just eating a lot. I had dessert more often than not. I was not stuffing myself, well, except for this weekend :), but I was eating way more calories then I needed. I was working my tail off then negating it with too much food. UGH!!!

So the fooling is over. It ends today. I will write down everything I eat and when. I will measure and weigh my food. I will be accountable. I will not assume that just because I finally understand what's going on in my head I can just go along my merry way and all will be well. I will succeed.

On that note I am back into triathlon training and I'm taking my workouts up a notch. My next race is a 5k on May 25th - I've done that a couple of times and it's a fun race. I want to do it in 35 minutes.

My next 'big' race is Tinman on July 20th, 10 weeks from now. I did this race 2 years ago and had my best tri ever. It was fun, I did great, and really, really enjoyed myself. I have decided I am going to rock that race.

I purchased a personalized training plan and should be getting it soon. I am going to go all out in these workouts. I am going to push myself and require exceptional efforts of myself. I know I can do it. I mean I know I can do it.

If you could hear these words in my head you would laugh. I'm talking to myself like a naughty child. But I'm angry with myself. This morning I noted how my arm muscles are really starting to pop. I stepped on the scale to see how things were going there and it was up 3 lbs. So I've worked my butt off for the past month and I've managed to gain weight!!! I know, I know all about the muscle vs fat issue. I know I'm building muscle and I may well have lost body fat while gaining muscle, I got that. But I don't think so. I would have completely bought that idea if my weight had remained the same. But I think what happened is that I managed to add a couple of pounds of muscle and not lose any fat. I'm pissed at myself and it's stopping right here and now.

Okay, self flagellation over. I swam this morning. I did the same workout I did the last time I swam 1 month ago. Only today it killed me. Okay, not completely , but it was tough. A month ago I did this and thought how easy it was. Today it pushed my limits. 1400m in 47 minutes, including all rest periods. I hit all the timing marks dead on. That's not great, because a month ago I was faster :( Oh well, I got nowhere to go but up.

I probably should get back to work now. Enough whining and moaning for one day.

11 May 2008

What exactly am I doing???

I just purchased an Olympic distance training plan online (that's for the Tinman). I'm not sure where my head is at but things are swirling around. I want a plan with someone telling me what to do to see what it's like. I tend to put if off if I develop it myself and only have myself to account to. I am considering joining Weight Watchers again for that very reason. Having someone outside myself to whom I am accountable. Hmmm..... What's happening??? Oh well, we shall see where this leads....

Happy Mother's Day


Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!!!

Mothers day has always been day that made me feel like a fraud. I never felt I was a really good mother so I didn't feel I deserved any special recognition. Also, most of the time I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, so please, let's not celebrate my incompetence. Of course, I only had 1 child and I don't know if that makes a difference. Maybe I would have felt a little more confident if I had a second child. But, as I really wasn't the mother type, one was more then enough for me.

My daughter however, turned out to be a wonderful mother. She has 2 kids and is an absolutely fantastic mother to them both. I know she didn't get it from me, which can only mean she got it from my mother. My mother was a huge presence in my daughter's life her entire life. In fact, those times in my life when I was being the selfish individual I generally am, my mom stepped in and took over the raising of my daughter. So I'm sure that's where she gets it from. Definitely not me.

My mom has been gone now for 5 1/2 years and I still miss her. I put her through so much grief when I was a teenager - I was rotten - and yet later in life we became close. When I moved to Hawaii we weren't as close as we had been but we still talked every week. She came out to visit a number of times. I miss her. I don't think I'll ever stop missing her. She never graduated high school, yet was one of the smartest women I know. She was raised in a time where you married and had kids and didn't work. Yet when my father left twice, she handled 7 kids all by herself and kept us going. How hard that must have been for her. When my dad passed away my mother went out and found a job. She hadn't worked since World War II, but that didn't stop her. At the age of 50 she went back to school to become a nurse. That was what she always wanted to do, and she did. At the time I didn't understand the things she did or the things she was going through. Looking back now I am all the more amazed by her.

So Happy Mother's Day to my Mom, wherever she is, to my daughter, and to all the mothers out there.

The key to change is awareness

So I posted yesterday that I really had nothing to write about because things were going well and I just didn't have much to say. Scra...