02 July 2011
I worked last night until 10pm - also known as closing - and had to be back this morning at 7:30 am - known as opening. Do you know how hard that is? I have no problem working until 10 and I have no problem working at 7:30, but doing it back to back.....really tough. I think it has to do with the type of work, being on my feet all day. Anyway, brutal. I'm working tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday, then I have Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off. Woo Hoo!!! Summer school ends on Thursday so that's awesome. And, I have an appointment with my thesis advisor on Wednesday. What a week this will be. Plus I will be running. I will run on Monday, Wednesday and Friday...Woo Hoo!!!
On a completely different topic, I was reading another blog and it got me to thinking. This person is having some medical issues and it trying to make lifestyle changes gradually. I'm all for that, gradual is the way to go and will probably help the changes stick but.... Picture this, you are in a horrible accident and end up losing an arm. Suddenly you have to make major changes to your life. There are things you can no longer do and other things you have to learn to do in a different way. There is no time to make gradual changes and prepare for not having an arm, you just have to adjust. I think in some instances a sudden, abrupt change is what is necessary to, in some cases, save your life. I have a friend who can no longer eat gluten. She was having some issues and recently learned that she gluten was the cause of all her problems. She immediately stopped eating gluten. She went on a mission to learn what products had gluten and what didn't. She learned all she could about gluten and where she could get things that didn't have any. She made an immediate, abrupt change even though eating gluten won't kill her. Her life was not in danger only her health and the way she feels. Whereas this blogger I was reading is literally facing a life threatening issue. This issue has the potential to be fatal at worst and to do some serious damage long before it becomes fatal. In many ways this person is fighting this condition instead of accepting it. They are bemoaning why and dwelling on what they can't do rather than focusing on saving their own life. It blows my mind. I know it's hard to change your lifestyle, and I know if you don't have a dramatic reason to gradual changes are probably the best way to go. But when the sword of Damocles is hanging over your head you had better do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't fall on you.
01 July 2011
I've known this for years, but it's only lately that I really know it. Lately, I have been harnessing the power of my mind to get through my life. I work until 10 pm and can't go to sleep right when I get home, so I'm usually up until 11ish. The birds wake up at 5:45 every single day, never fail. Initially I was thinking this is not enough sleep for me and I would walk around tired all day. But once I put it out of my mind and decided that it was plenty of sleep - I felt fine.
Once I cleaned off my desk and didn't feel so snowed under with paperwork, I've actually been able to keep on top of things and become more productive.
Along with that, once I went through all the mail and opened all the bills I found things weren't as bad as they seemed. Then, in a complete shocker, I realized yesterday that our financial situation will change next month instead of in September like I originally thought. Do you know how awesome that is??? My goal in the back of my mind was to have all this financial mess cleaned up by the end of the year. Looks like that is going to happen. Woo Hoo!!! We can start the new year fresh. You don't know what a load that is off my mind. At one point we were considering payday advance loans to help us make it through. It didn't come to that, but it was darn close.
Now, my mind is set on running. This morning is the start of week 2 on couch to 5k. Today the run ups to 90 seconds (it had been 60) but the break is longer, 2 minutes as compared to 90 seconds. I do that 6 times. Wow!! I'm really getting back into running. Awesome!!!My new shoes are on the way and they should get here just in time for when I up my running. Things are going well and I'm excited. The mind is a powerful tool.
30 June 2011
I'm really in a good mental place right now. While things aren't perfect, I feel like they are under control. I am making progress on things I want to make progress on and I'm doing some things I enjoy. And I'm running. I love running. I love the feeling of my feet pounding the ground. I love the feeling when my lungs are sucking air. I love everything about running. And I'm happy I'm back to it. My eating is okay, Not great, it could definitely be better, but I'm feeling good about it. So all things considered, I'm in a very good place right now and I'm happy. It's amazing what can happen when you turn off the self flagellation.
29 June 2011
So I'm noticing a trend here. When things are bad and I'm feeling horrible I have a lot to say. I tend to blog and blog and blog. When things are going well though I have nothing to say. Apparently I spend more time living my life and not talking about it. Interesting.
Yesterday I did something I have not done in a very long time. I went shopping. Not shopping exactly, but looking. I need a couple of things for my classroom but I don't know exactly what I'm going to use to do what I want. Yesterday Hubby worked so I just went cruising. I went to 4 or 5 different stores and I just looked around. I bought a couple of things I needed and wanted and I spent 4 hours doing it. It was awesome. One of the things I purchased was a tie-dye kit. I have some tank tops that I love that have gotten some stains on them. Because of the stains I can only wear them around the house. Since they are really comfortable and fit perfectly, this bums me out. So I decided I would dye them and then saw the tie-dye kit. Perfect!!! I did that last night and I'm washing them now. We shall see how they come out. That's all I have to say. I'm off for a run while the shirts wash....
28 June 2011
As hard as it is for me to admit, I really have to admit - I'm a control freak. I like to think that I am a go with the flow type of person. That I can adapt to change and move on easily. But the truth of the matter is I'm not. I need to be in control and know what's going on. I need to have at least a handle on things or I become overwhelmed and start to shut down.
I have had a huge pile of crap on my desk for weeks. The stack was getting bigger and bigger and I was just ignoring it. As a result I wasn't really working on anything I needed to be working on because I would have needed to dig into that huge stack and I just couldn't face it. It seemed like far to monumental a task. So I started to shut down. I stopped working on things. I stopped thinking about things. I just would get on the computer and play games. Just play games. And eat. When I shut down I eat. So yeah, that wasn't working for me at all.
Then the other day I just got inspired. I went out and ran for the first time in forever and it felt good (okay, it was agony physically but mentally it felt awesome). When I got back I was inspired and decided to tackle the things I was avoiding head on. I worked my way through that pile opening, filing, or tossing every piece of paper. I got it all cleaned up and organized. I made some to-do lists. I filled in my calendar with important dates. I paid some bills. There's still crap on my desk but it's not a mess and I know what everything is.
What is the result of this cleaning? Well, it was kind of a mental enlightenment. Once my desk was clean and I knew where things were (literally and figuratively) I felt much better. Once that part of my life was organized I was ready to get other parts in order. I was ready to make plans and look at things realistically. It felt good and very freeing.
This caused me to think about some things in my life. One of the things that had been weighing most heavily on my mind, and that I was avoiding my strenuously, was our financial situation. I had a pile of bills sitting unopened because I did not have the money to pay them. Once I sat and opened them and went through them I found it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. This got me to thinking about when I was in my best shape. It was a time in my life when I had everything under control. I had a job where I was making good money. Charlie was making good money. We were living at the ranch in a house on the beach. Things were going well, very well. As a result I was working out a lot and worked myself into the best shape of my life.
Then things started to go downhill. Wow, I can really see it so clearly now. First we went on vacation and spent way more money than we should have. Next, the truck caught fire and not only did we have to replace it but we still owed money on the burnt one. Then we got evicted from the ranch house and had to find a new place to live. Not only did we have to come up with first, last, deposit, etc. we had to face the reality of paying market rent which we had not been paying at the ranch. Yikes. Then we moved to Waimanalo in a place I hated for the 4 years we lived there. I wasn't happy there even though we were getting the money in a really good place. I hated the neighborhood. I hated the neighbors. I hated that place. Then we bought this place and the money got bad again. Our mortgage was more than our rent - a lot more - and we were struggling. Then Charlie lost his job and things went from bad to worst. During all these things I had a hard time staying motivated to work out and my eating was horrible. The less control I had the less motivation I had. And my weight kept creeping up and up.
On the Biggest Loser they bring in financial people to help the contestants get their financial situation in order. Seems to be a connection between your financial situation and your weight. I think I am finally seeing that connection. For me the connection is just being in control of my life, or at least feeling like I'm in control. When I feel like things are out of control I retreat into the house and hide out with food. When I feel in control I want to get out more and move my body and do things.
So I have made a step in the right direction. I need to continue on this path and maintain what control I can in order to do the best for me. Once I got hired at Walgreens I started to feel more in control and now that I have a few paychecks under my belt, the feeling of control is getting stronger.
Bottom line: I need to maintain control of all aspects of my life in order to maintain control of my health.
27 June 2011
Let's see if I can make sense of this. There may be a lot of random stuff so get a cup of coffee, sit down, and relax - here goes.
I've been working at Walgreen's for about a month now. Mostly I work the register up front so I get to see what people are really buying. In that month I have learned a few things. Namely, people eat way, way too much processed food. Also, our tax dollars are paying for that processed food in the form of food stamps (or whatever it's called now). I will see people come through and buy $80 - 90 worth of soda, candy, chips, junk, and pay with their EBT card. WTF?!?!?!?! The government provides this service to people in need so they don't starve. Well guess what?? They are starving if that's what they eat. That stuff is not nutritious and will kill you and not just from weight, though the vast majority of them are obese. This may be horrible to say, but by seeing those people, the condition they are in and the things they buy, it makes me want to eat healthier and be more active because I don't want to be like them. Sad but true. I get a lot of people who think I'm younger than I am. I like that and I want it to stay that way. The only way I can do that is by taking care of myself through diet and exercise. This has caused me to really look at what I'm eating and to consider it carefully. As a result the last few days have been considerably better food wise. So there's that.
Then the other day I just got a bug up my ass over my activity, or lack thereof. I wrote a whole post on it here. On that day I started couch to 5k and I did Week 1/Day 1. That involved 8 intervals of 60 secs running/90 secs walking, with a 5 min warm up and cool down. What freaking agony, but I shuffled my way through it. Today I did Week 1/Day 2 and what a difference. I was able to run, actually run, during the running intervals. Nothing hurt and I really felt great the whole time. On Friday I felt like I wasn't even breathing hard, today I definitely was. Awesome. And there's that.
As I was running/walking today I remembered how good it feels - cuz it felt good. I remember feeling that way most of the time when I took care of myself. I really want to feel that way again. I want to go through my day feeling great. So I need to focus there. Instead of worrying about the scale and how many calories I'm eating, etc. I'm going to shift it up a little. I'm going to focus on feeling good. Moving my body and eating right. I will watch what I eat but not get obsessed over how much meat I'm having. I'm going to pay more attention to my body and feed it what it needs.
So the food thing is a crazy, vicious cycle. When I eat sugar and fat, I want sugar and fat. That's all. I crave desserts and cakes. Cookies are not safe in my company. It is terrible. It's also a terrible feeling. I feel out of control when I get into that mode. The hunger is not normal, it's demanding and must be satisfied immediately. The flip side is, when I eat lots of protein, fruits and veggies, I feel awesome. I get hungry but I can live with it and take the time to make good choices. It takes less to fill me up and I stay fuller longer. All of this these are good things and I need to remember them. I also need to not eat on impulse. I need to think about it for 15-20 minutes before I eat junk food.
Well, I have no idea if this makes any sense to anyone but me but I'm okay with that. Bottom line is, I'm going to make next year my year. I'm going to use the rest of this year to get back into the workout habit. I'm going to run and I'm going to take care of myself. I do not want to end up like those folks I see at work.
26 June 2011
One month later, same problem. When will I learn???? Now I have even less excuses though. I am not teaching full time only summer school 2 hours a day. So I have not excuse for being so out of control. My eating the last few days has been abominable. Lots of crap, high sugar, fat, salt, low in veggies and whole food. Awesome. No wonder I feel like total crap. At this point in my morning I am not hungry and so I am not eating. I am going to wait until I feel hungry before I eat and then I will be eating only whole foods today. No garbage at all. I want to not eat sugar and grains for 1 week. I want to eat only meats and fruits/veggies to see how I feel. I think I have issues with wheat, I've thought that for years, and have significantly reduced my intake. But I haven't cut it out of my life completely and I really, really need to do that.
I'm sitting here looking at a big ole pile of crap on my desk and it suddenly hit me, my whole life has spun out of control. I'm not living it, I'm getting tossed around and battered by it. A huge light bulb just went on over my head. Part of the reasons I eat like crap is because I feel like I have no control. Well, sitting here looking at this pile of paperwork and books and having a mental to-do list that is 3 miles longs is a huge part of the problem. OMG!!!!
Okay, time to regain control of my life. Starting right now. Instead of having a huge to-do list in my head I'm going to make a to-do list on my calendar. I'm going to post it right in front of me and work at it all day long. A few items crossed off my to-do list and I will feel back in control and on the path to strength.
I'm off, things to do.....
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