23 November 2013
I get in these moods when I feel like something needs to be done and I'm not sure exactly what. I need to do something drastic to really change things up. I know that doing the same things will get me the same results and I don't want that. I want things to be different.
Okay, I kind of know the problem so I'm going to go. In spite of my month of gratitude, I'm feeling a little ungrateful. I see people who are doing and getting things I would like to do and get and I feel a little jealous. There we go, I've said it. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel good about it, but it's the truth. This month of gratitude has helped that feeling a whole lot, but it is still there a little and I need to lose it. I'm feeling a lot of, how come they can do it and I can't? type of feelings. Also the, why is it so easy for them? Now I know that is not true. I know that they had to work hard for the things they get, but from the outside it looks easy.
Another problem is that some things do come really easy to me and so I want all things to be that easy. For example, sewing. I can sew like a champ. I can look at something and figure out how it is made. Many times I can even recreate it. Like these wrist wraps. My trial and error I figured out how to make them. Then there is school. I started a Ph.D. program in March and I have just finished my 6th class. I do papers at the last minute and get an A. I do really well in school with minimum effort. Of course, if I put in more than minimum effort, I would probably do much better and get a lot more out of it. Next quarter for sure.
So there it is. I'm jealous and I want these things to be as easy for me as sewing and learning. They are not. They are something I have not mastered. Something I have to struggle with constantly. Something that may never be easy for me. So what can I do about that? Well, first I have to accept it. If I don't accept it, it will continue to be a huge problem. If I accept it and resign myself to the fact that it is hard, it will stop being a battle. Oprah said, what you resist persists. And that is true. These things may never be easy for me, but if I accept that they are hard they will become easier.
I also have to accept the fact that I have limitations. I am 54 years old. I will never lift as much or run as fast as a 20something, or even a 30something. I just won't. I can be good for my age, but I'll never be as good as them. So I need to accept that and come to terms with it. I also need to accept the fact that I will never have a skinny body. My body is just not created to be skinny. That does not mean I can not try to be the best I can be, it means that I need to keep it realistic and not get discouraged because what I want is completely unattainable.
So I need to focus these finals gratitude days on really being grateful. Really understanding that I am who I am, and only so much can change. I need to accept certain things and not dwell on them. Like the alcoholics anonymous prayer:
Gad grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That is what I need to do. Focus on what I can change, accept the things I can't, and not get crazy over what is.
This week has not been good. Earlier in the week, my knee was really painful and I was afraid to Crossfit. In fact, I even considered quitting Crossfit for a while so I wouldn't be tempted to do it. The pain peaked on Monday or Tuesday night, I forget which. I tossed and turned most of the night because my knee was hurting. It was not really the knee though, it was the inner quad muscle above the knee.
See that Vastus Medialis Muscle? I'm pretty sure that was the one that was so tight I could hardly bend my leg. Anyway, that muscle was throbbing all night long. In my half awake state I thought that it was the muscle relaxing. When I woke the next morning my knee felt good. Wednesday night I went to Crossfit and we did 60 wall balls and a bunch of other stuff. After the workout my knee felt really good. I slept well that night and when I woke Thursday my knee felt awesome. I didn't go to Crossfit Thursday for some reason that I forget now, but Thursday night my knee felt so good I took my brace off all night. I did wear it to bed though. Friday morning my knee felt so good that I went without my brace all day and felt good. Then I went to Crossfit last night and ran. This morning it is feeling good again. I want to be careful. I don't want to push it, but I need to start building it up again. It feels good to feel good.
Now, back to the title of this post. Using the knee as an excuse, and just feeling sorry for myself, I have been eating like crap all week. Knowing that we had nothing for me to take for lunch, instead of making something I bought lunch everyday. Yuck. There was also a lot of candy involved. A. Lot. I have got to get a handle on things. I have to.
Today I have Crossfit in the morning while my car is getting new tires. Then I have nothing for the rest of the day until evening. This evening we have a beer tasting at the box. I haven't reminded hubby of it and I think I may not. If he remembers we'll go, otherwise I may pass. I don't know. We'll see. Right now getting my eating back on track is more important to me than hanging out with the Crossfit folks. I'll play it by ear and see what happens. But today, food will be better. No candy.
22 November 2013
Day 20: I'm grateful for Crossfit. I have been slacking a bit this week, but it is always there and I am grateful I get to be part of that.
Day 21: I am grateful for speedy shipping. I ordered something on Monday and I got it today. Yeah!!!
Day 22: I'm grateful for other people's success. I read other blogs and Facebook pages and sometimes I think, why can't i do that. But then I realize, this is my life, my story, and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Then I get happy for them and wish them well.
20 November 2013
I do every year, so why should this year be different? I am not good on anniversaries or commenorating special days. Just not good. But nine years ago I started this blog. I was in a very different place then. It is great fun to read the archives and see what was going on then. We lived at the ranch still, in a crappy house on the beach. We had Mana, Rocco, and Nala. I was getting into triathlons and running. Oh, and I was working at the lab. Yup, it was a very different world for me....
I do believe I have stopped the free fall. That is good. I am slowly making my way back to normal. The problem I'm having is my knee. My knee has been swollen for a few weeks but there has been no pain. The coaches at my box showed me how to wrap it and reduce the swelling. I've been doing that and it's been working. The swelling is gone. But the knee is still larger than the other one and lumpy and now I'm having pain. It was like the swelling was keeping the pain at bay. Now that the swelling is gone the pain is back. I have been avoiding going to the doctors because I pretty much know what they are going to say. But, I believe I can put it off no longer. I am calling today to make an appointment. It is one thing to not run to the doctor and try and rehab it on your own, it is another thing to be an idiot. I'm done being an idiot. So wish me luck.
Day 18 - I'm grateful for my sewing abilities. Seriously!!!! I am a good sewer, no, I'm a fabulous sewer. I can pretty much sew anything if I put my mind to it. I started making wrist wraps and in just 3 days figured it out completely. More important, I revived my love of sewing. I set up the spare room as a sewing room and I just could not be happier.
Day 19 - I'm grateful that we own our house. We don't have a lot of money, but we own the house and that is awesome. There is a special kind of peace that comes with owning your own home. A feeling that no one can take it away - at least not without your permission. So I am grateful for that.
18 November 2013
Day 16 - Saturday. I'm grateful for my creativity. I am a very creative person, when I let myself go. I tend to be too rigid and agenda driven in my everyday life, but when I let go - watch out. I am tapping into that creativity now and getting back into sewing. I love sewing and I love being creative. Two awesome things.
Day 17 - I'm grateful for every single day I wake up. Seriously. I know how fragile life can be and just the fact that I wake up everyday is a miracle. So I am grateful for every day that I get.