08 August 2015

Digging down deep

When in the middle of a Crossfit WOD, when the end is as far away as the beginning was, I always have to dig really deep to keep going. I'm good in the beginning when I'm fresh and ready to take on the world. I'm good in the end when I can see the finish line and I know it won't be long now. I'm not so good in the middle. In the middle is where I slow down. In the middle is where I take more breaks than necessary. In the middle is when the negative voice in my head gets loudest. In the middle is where I have to be careful not to let it all fall apart.

In a couple of situations in my life, I'm right in the middle. Now is when I have to dig the deepest and fight the hardest. Now is when I have to push myself to get over the hump so I can see the finish line.

In a couple of other situations, I'm at the beginning. In one particular situation, I'm at the beginning. Again. I am back at the beginning of my weight loss. I am at the highest weight I have been in almost 20 years. In many ways Crossfit broke me. The workouts are so hard, you don't have anything left of any other workouts. When I started Crossfit I had an aerobic capacity that was pretty damn good for an old lady. I have completely lost my aerobic capacity. I'm starting from ground zero. But, the think is, I know I can do this.

I have read workout articles and advice for years. I think I have finally figured it out. So aerobic activity helps you burn fat, but you have to lift heavy weights at the same time in order to build muscle. The muscle burns more calories than fat, so by building more muscle you are increasing your calorie expenditure and by doing aerobic activity you are helping to burn fat. I think I finally get it. You really have to do both. Right now I'm going to focus more on the aerobic side for a couple of reasons. First, I need to lose some of this fat in order to be able to move more easily. Second, I need to get my aerobic capacity back. Third, I don't have the weights around here to lift heavy. I'm thinking if I can do aerobics for a couple of months and lose some of this fat, then I could go back to Crossfit 8x a month and start to get back into heavy weights again. I'm also going to work on bodyweight stuff to increase my upper body strength. Okay, now that I know what I want to do, let me set some S.M.A.R.T. goals to get there.

I need to lose about 50 lbs, so let's start with 10. Let's establish a reasonable time frame. The most you are supposed to lose is 2 lbs a week. So in 4 1/2 weeks I could lose 10 lbs. Okay, what if I set a 10 lb goal by labor day. That is exactly 4 weeks away and since I will probably lose some water weight, 10 lbs should be completely doable. I think that's good. It's specific, 10 lbs; measureable; attainable, at least if I work hard at it; relevant - I have got to lose this weight; and time bound - 4 weeks. This also allows me time to get a plan in place so that Monday will be the official start of my 4 week journey. I like that. 4 weeks is not that long but long enough to achieve a meaningful result.

Now, how will I get there? Having a goal is awesome, but without a plan it is just a dream. I need to move more. Men's night doubles is over today, so Hubby will be home at night again. That means the dog walks resume. So that happens 6 out of 7 nights. Since I don't walk the dogs on Fridays, maybe I should make Fridays my rest day. It's the end of the work week and a day of rest will probably fit in well there. So that is good. I will do some strength/bodyweight stuff in the mornings. I only need 15 minutes to just get a little movement in. That means waking up just a tiny bit earlier. I have developed the sleep of the dead recently and once I get a workout habit going that will pass. I will also walk the dogs at night and I want to do some aerobics. I get home at 4, I can walk the dogs by 4:30. I'll be done with that about 5:30ish, then there is time for aerobics before dinner. Good. I just need to force myself for the first week or so until it becomes a habit. Right now my energy level is at an all time low, I need to workout regularly to improve it and that will take pure force in the beginning. I have been doing pretty good on the food front. I think that is what has been keeping me going. I need to get more protein and I'm going to work on that today. Tomorrow I need to go to Costco to stock up so that I am ready to face the week. I also need to do some food prep and some cooking for the week.

Okay, I think I have a solid plan in place. Time to activate it. I'm going now to do some aerobics, then I'll make myself a good breakfast and begin planning my week. I do need to remember not to focus on the 4 weeks, but to focus on sticking to my program 1 day at a time. Okay, I feel strong, and motivated, and ready to face the world.

Update: So I weighed myself, took my measurements, worked out, and ate breakfast. I find that the easiest way to handle these things is just to face them head on. There is no getting around it, no avoiding it. If I face everything it will all eventually work out. Which I just did with the finances, had to pay the mortgage :) Anyway, I have weight, measurements, and a S.M.A.R.T. goal. I have a plan and I will be successful. First step, working out, done. This will work.

06 August 2015

Taking the scenic route

So this entire week was kind of a train wreck. I have been eating well. Making my breakfast, lunch, and dinner - even though Hubby works nights and isn't home to cook. I've kept my eating in check and had sugar only 2 days. Yeah, me!!!! That is about the totality of good news. I only worked out once, Monday. I have done exactly zero on my dissertation. And I'm soooooooooo tired. I've started that sleeping like I'm drugged sleep. That is not good when it happens more than one night. So things have not been great. Part of it was the asshole and their stupid letter. I mailed my response on Monday and it was like waiting on pins and needles for when they got it. They got it yesterday and the only way I know that is that they emailed and wanted to move forward with mediation. Swear to god, why can no one else think of this crap???? So I got that going again and we'll see what happens. Another part was that I found out on Sunday that the book I thought I was using was wrong. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! So I've been winging it a bit this week. I have to do some serious planning over the weekend. The final part is the first week tiredness. I always forget how tired I am the first week of school. Unreal. So with all that, I have not been able to stick to my plan. I have got to turn this around, I can't go on like this. It has finally sunk in and I completely and totally understand that I need cardio. I have got to do cardio to lose this weight. So the cardio train starts on Saturday. I'm going to dance and dance and dance. Also, energy begats energy. The more energy I expend, the more energy my body will create and therefore I won't be so sleepy at the end of the day. I've taken naps 2 days this week. Not good. Every night this week I've had to work on something. Not tonight. I'm going to cook dinner, watch some mindless TV and head to bed. I need to shake this tiredness. So that is it. Not a great week, but I have survived. Tomorrow or over the weekend, I need to create some serious goals. SMART, specific, measureable, attainable, relevant, and time bound. Just some vague notion that I need to lose weight is not cutting it. I need very specific goals. And they need to include my dissertation. I have got to get that done. Okay, enough rambling...I'm off to make some dinner.

02 August 2015

Don't let the bastards get you down.....

For some reason I associate that phrase with my Dad. Now my Dad passed away when I was 13 so I can't see him saying that to me, but then again he was a character and maybe he did. Anyway, yesterday was emotionally draining. Dealing the assholes (that is how they will forever be known to me) and their nonsense all damn day. But, I'm not gonna let the bastards get me down. Wow, my language has deteriorated in this whole mess. Time to get back on the high road. Today I will finish the letter, organize the pictures, and tomorrow I will send it off. Done and done.

I woke up this morning to an email from my methodologist stating that my prospectus was okay. Yikes!!! I didn't realize, but I was sort of hiding behind that prospectus. As long as I didn't have a methodologist that had approved it, I was okay not making progress. Well, that little safety net has been removed. Now I have no reason not to start working on my proposal in earnest and get it done. Ugh!!! I am a master of justification. As long as I didn't have a methodologist, there was no point in putting any real effort into my proposal. That justified me not working on it for days weeks at a time. Those days are over and it is time to get serious. I am going to log the proposal work into my planner like I said yesterday and I'm going to stick to it. No. Matter. What. I need to develop the habit and the rhythm of proposal work in order to get it done. Hubby is still working nights next week, so I will work on getting a decent plan set during that time. Once he is back home at night, I just need to stick to the plan.

I wrote the first part about 2 hours ago and then I drifted away. I pulled up the asshole's letter and started working on that. I looked up strategies for getting a dissertation written. What I learn from that is the only real tried and true method is just to write. Okay. Everyday. I did get the asshole's letter finished, 3 pages of writing with 12 pages of pictures. That should get my point across.

I drifted away again. I went and had breakfast, jumped in the pool for a bit, and have been trolling the internet. Guess I should bring this post to an end or it might go on forever.

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