29 August 2015

Asking for help

is not something I do well. I am very strong and independent, and do not frequently ask for help. Luckily, I also have an awesomely, amazing husband. On the way to Costco I told him that I was extremely unhappy with my weight and that I planned to start paleo/Whole 30 on Monday. While this may seem like nothing, he does all the cooking, so he has to alter his life in order for me to do this. His response? Okay! He is awesome. He has no problem switching up what he cooks to accommodate me. He does not need to lose weight, but he will do what is necessary to help me out. We went out to lunch to a place that bottles their own BBQ sauce and we love it. Hubby says he was going to buy a bottle, but now he will have to make his own paleo BBQ sauce. He is the best ever!!!!!!

So now I'm feeling better about this whole thing. I will be doing some cooking tomorrow to make my lunches for the week. The trip to Costco was so-so. They didn't have some of the things I wanted, but they had avocado oil. But overall I am feeling much better about this whole thing. I think it will be good.

There may be a ton of posts over the next couple days as I make the adjustment back to paleo. I actually look forward to it. Now, I think I need a nap.


and I seriously do not know which way to turn. I know that I need to lose some weight. I also know what it takes to do that. But how do I get going? Do I start slow and build up? Do I jump right in and go for broke? How did I do it before? I just don't know. I get this way when I feel overwhelmed. I just don't know where to start. I'm in the same position with my dissertation at the moment. Okay, I need to stop this. I am a reasonably intelligent adult, I can figure this out. I can't do everything at once, so start where you are and build from there.

Let's begin with the diet. There are so many possibilities, and so many that have worked for me in the past. Weight Watchers, paleo, okay, those are really the only two that have worked well for me. And why have they worked well. Is it the 'diet' itself or was it the fact that support came with it. I tend to poo-poo the idea of support and think I am strong and can do it alone, but is that true? In both Weight Watchers and paleo, I was part of a group, even if it was a loosely run group, and therefore I had some accountability. When I do it on my own, I have no accountability and therefore no reason to be strict on myself. Knowing that someone is 'looking over my shoulder' really helps to keep me on track. So how can I get that? I can join WW again. That is not a bad idea, though they are expensive now. It's $45 a month for just meeting. If you want the website too, it's $70 a month. That is crazy talk. But the website alone is only $20 a month. Maybe I could do that, but I don't do well with online stuff. I do far better in face to face. I really like the whole idea of flexible dieting as it allows me to eat what I want. Paleo is good, but I feel super guilty if I have some starches. Okay, so I just did something, I committed to the do a Whole 30 starting on September 1st. I need to do this. I need to jump start my weight loss and I need to get my energy back. So now I need to devote some time to planning this weekend. I need to have food ready to go on Monday, I'm really starting on Monday, but will take 9/1 as a starting date.

Exercise. I joined 24 hours fitness on Wednesday, but have not gone there yet. In many ways, I'm embarrassed because I am so huge. That is ridiculous. I just need to take the first step and go there. I do want to go when it is not so crowded, that might be a little difficult. I am thinking of going over tomorrow for the intro stuff, then aiming for going early in the morning. If I go at like 4:30 I won't need to shower there, I can come home and shower. Of course that means getting up earlier, which means going to bed earlier. It is all a domino effect. Maybe I can start with just 3 days a week. I don't go have to go full tilt boogie right out of the gate. I could start with 3 days a week on my way home and gradually add more. Clearly I still need to work on this.

Okay, feel a little better. I have the start of a plan. I need to do a little research on food for Whole 30 as we are going to Costco today. I need to stock up on good food. Okay, I'm feeling better and I'm off to plan.

I've been doing some thinking since I wrote this post earlier. I went to have some breakfast and then felt like walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes, so I did. I realized that I am using things in my life as excuses for being lazy and getting fat. I am. I use the excuse of having to work on my dissertation for sitting at my computer for hours and yet I get nothing done. I use the excuse of having an online class as an excuse for sitting here and yet I play games. I use the fact that other dogs might be out as an excuse not to walk the dogs and then I take a nap. I say I have a lot to do and then spend hours doing nothing.

I think I have to start making changes by not making excuses. No more excuses. It won't be easy, but this is what I'm going to work on starting right now. No excuses. I'm done. It is definitely do or do not. That's all. No reasons, no nothing. No more excuses.

27 August 2015

Day 2

Unfortunately, this is going to become a bit of a diary it looks like. I really have reached the end of my rope and I need a place to work this all out, so looks like this will be it. So last night I joined 24 hour fitness. Not sure if that was a smart thing or not. Right now I am not that motivated to work out because of the foot - or the excuse de jour - but my thinking was I can at least use the elliptical which provide a fabulous cardio workout without hurting my foot. Not sure exactly when I'm going to do this, but it is there when I am ready. I'm thinking of going Friday on my way home from work. Hubby works Friday nights so there is no need to rush home. After that, who knows.......

Here is part of the problem. I impose this demands on myself and then when I don't meet them I feel bad. For example, walking the dogs. I want to walk the dogs, I do. I love walking the dogs. It's usually quiet and peaceful, I listen to my book and it's just me and the pups. Really, really love it. But, in my mind, I've got to walk them before 5 pm so I don't run into any other dogs at all. Now that is kind of silly. The college where I walk them is a huge place and I can see other dogs from quite a distance away, which usually allows me the ability to take a slight detour to avoid them. Yes, going after 5 makes it a little more stressful, but it is not that hard. I used to go after 5 all the time. I stopped because it bothered me. That is not fair to the dogs. Besides, if I wait until 5, I can come home and relax a little before I go. I'm usually tired when I get home, but a dip in the pool and some time to decompress and I'm usually good to go again. So when I don't walk the dogs because it has gotten too late I am just making excuses and that has to stop.

Last week I started walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I committed to 15 minutes in the morning, that seemed like a reasonable amount of time and I just wanted to get into the habit of doing it. I have done it every morning this week except for Monday and it is quickly becoming a habit. Early morning exercise puts me in a good mood. Helps me think clearer. Wakes my brain up faster than coffee. And just generally feels good. Right now I have been on for 19 minutes while I type this. I did not set out to stay on this long, I just keep walking as I type.

Okay, I'm starting to feel better and a plan is beginning to formulate in my brain. I need to force myself to do things in the beginning when they are not enjoyable, until they become enjoyable. I'm feeling better about things now, so I guess I need to go start my day. I have to remember at all times that I am strong. I am in control. I make the decisions. I am powerful.

8/26/15 @ 6:45 am

That is when everything changed. Something snapped in me this morning and I'm not sure exactly how this is going to play out. For months I've been whining about needing to lose weight and working out again, etc. Yet, I've been doing the same old thing. Sitting on my butt in front of the computer and eating whatever the hell I feel like. How the hell can I expect things to change when I keep doing the same thing. It all hit me this morning. I just can't do this anymore. I'm over it. Where exactly to go from here? I need a huge change, a major upset. I need to turn everything on its head and just start over. Mostly I need to stop making excuses for myself. I have a lot to do but guess what, so do other people. I just need to want it bad enough. Okay, I'm done.

26 August 2015

My life is a ......

Seriously. I like to think I don't deal in drama, but I think I create the drama for myself. I'm not sure that even made sense. I don't get involved in external drama, but I will create much internal drama. I will create situations where I am putting great stress on myself. For example, my dissertation. I have not looked at it in over a month. I should have been working on it. I should quit talking about it and do something about it. But do I? Noooooooo...... I'm getting so very tired of myself. Seriously....... I need to take control, really take control and not just talk about it. I need to work on everything. I need to stop this complete nonsense. I need to get off the roller coaster.

23 August 2015


I've learned a lot of things in the past couple of years. One thing I've learned above all else, is that avoiding something rarely works. Avoiding something does not prevent it from happening, and it usually makes it far, far worse. Facing things head on is usually the best way to go. So generally I try to just face things. Sometimes I have to work up the courage only to find out it was much simpler than I thought. Usually. This is something I have to relearn over and over again. Although I am getting better at it, I still tend to avoid things that are unpleasant. The last couple of weeks, I've been working on facing all kinds of stuff in my life. Catching up on what I was behind on and working to be present and current in my life. Well, one thing that I have been avoiding big time is my proposal. I've been able to justify my avoidance due to it not having been approved yet, and why work on it when I'm just waiting. But that is a really poor excuse. I should be working on it every day so that I'm ready to go when the approval is given. Also, and I've said this before, all our plans hinge on this thing. I need to get it done in order for us to move forward in our dreams. Ugh!!! So, like everything else in my life I just need to face it. Today I have a bunch of grading to do, but that should not take me too terribly long. After that I'm digging out my proposal and beginning work on it. I think I'll start with the lit review as I think that will help guide the rest of it. I'm not sure, but I need to just dig in and go. Facing demons are never as bad as they seem.

Monsoon season has arrived

and we got our first rain yesterday. Actually, it's still raining a little this morning. It wasn't a lot of rain, but it was rain....