08 April 2016

Habits Repeat


Why do i keep repeating my bad habits? Why? Why? Why?????

This week I had a number of interviews. I was getting up at 4 am to be ready to interview at 5 am. I had 2 schools I was really, really interested in. The first, Pointe School, I had the strangest interview with. The woman talked really, really fast and did most of the talking. She didn't ask me any of the standard interview questions, we basically just talked story for awhile. Then she decided she loved me and was ready to offer me a position. Weird. The good thing is that they had a brand new building with a brand new lab. Wow, how cool is that? But it was attractive because of the new lab. Then I had another school that I was really interested in. Heritage Academy is based on the principles of the founding fathers. Patriotism is huge in this school. I kind of like that because it instills a sense of morality in the students and I think that is really important. What really attracted me was the fact that they have a 4 day school week and a block schedule. The thought of 4 day school week is amazing. Having an entire day to grade, plan, prep, is just amazing. Plus, teachers do not have to go in on Fridays unless there is a meeting. Awesome sauce.... So I ended up with an offer from both places and I was a little torn. The real deciding factor was the 4 day work week. So I told Heritage that I would take the job. Now I have to tell Pointe that I won't. Ugh!!! As soon as I made my decision I started to second guess myself. The staff handbook makes them sound kind of like nazis. The teachers have to clean their own rooms and an area around their room. They have to monitor lunch or something. I don't know why it's freaking me out, it is really not that different from Damien. But I am second guessing myself. Ugh!!!! Plus I feel guilty because I told Pointe I was interested and now I have to tell them I'm not. I keep second guessing myself about picking Heritage. I feel like picking a school based on the 4 day school week is not a good idea. But what else would you pick a school by? Pay? That's not a better reason. Just because a school pays more does not mean it's a better school. So choosing it because of the 4 day week is as good a reason as any. So why am I second guessing myself? Even if it's a horrible school, I can do it for one year. Jeez...... I hate when i do this......

So I start second guessing myself and what happens? I start to shut down. I sleep more than I should. I stop doing things that I should be doing. I just start shutting down. It is horrible. Why do I do this? Why? I know that serves absolutely no purpose at all. None!! Yet that is repeatedly what I do in the face of stress. Why???? I really need to break that habit. I know that the first step to be aware of what you do and then work to change it. So it is time to work to change it. I just need to suck things up and act like an adult. I need to stop that.

I am such a work in progress still. I'm going to be 57 years old next week and I still have so much growing and learning to do. Will it ever end?? Do I want it to end??? Oh well, one thing I know that always helps set me straight is writing here. I can really work through my feelings and learn about myself here.

03 April 2016

In so many ways, things are about to


This weekend was the first step in the great move. We had a garage sale. We had a lot of household stuff to sell and I honestly thought they would sell fast. Wrong!!! All the stuff that I thought would sell, didn't, and all the stuff that I thought was junk and tempted to throw away is the stuff that sold. Still we made about $350 which is not too shabby. So far it has paid for the paint for the inside of the house and will pay almost half of the POD delivery cost. So it turned out okay. We will probably have another garage sale before we leave but that one will be much smaller and only 1 day not 2.

Now we begin the work on the house. The spare room is going to be the first room we tackle. We are going to paint it and try to do something to the floors and then it will be used as the staging room. All the packed boxes will go in there and things from the other rooms as we work on them. This all starts this week. Next weekend we are rehoming the last 2 ringnecks so that means that the birdhouse will have to come down. Today the pool came down :( Last week the pump died. We have a new one but we also have someone who wants to buy the pool. So we figured that was our cue to take the pool down and sell it. Sad to see it go, but it will have to go at some point. Next weekend we also begin construction on the carport. The guys are coming over on Saturday and it's coming down. Hopefully it gets up completely on Sunday. Finally, the POD is being delivered on Friday so we can begin filling it up to make this place look empty. Next week is a huge weekend with so much happening. Ugh!!! I think I am taking Friday off, maybe Monday too. I have 64 hours of sick leave, I'd like to use some of it before I leave. So things really kick into high gear this week. The good thing is that after the house is listed there will really be nothing left to do but keep it clean and pray it sells.

On the job front, things seem to be going really well. I will be getting a letter of intent from one school for sure and I think from a second. The one for sure is not the school I want, but the second one I think is coming is the one I really want to work at. It's a small, charter school that sounds a lot like where I'm at. Plus they have a brand new chemistry lab, woo hoo. Oh, and I will get to teach AP Biology. How freaking cool is that??? So things are going well there. Of course, today I find a job in the city I really want to live in. I would love that one, but I still think the charter school would be better. Ugh!!!! Decisions, decisions.......

Now, on to what this blog is really about. Diet and exercise. For the past 13 weeks, actually a little longer, I have been working with one of my coaches from Crossfit on weight loss. She has had me eating ~1800 - 2000 cals a day with a focus on my macros. Right now I'm at 165g protein, 160g carbs, and 60g fat. I have struggled every day to meet those macros. I struggle to get that much protein in without much fat. It is hard. I can do a meal or two but then it falls apart. In 13+ weeks it never got easier. I would have a good week and then 3 horrible weeks. I fought it and fought it and felt bad about myself when things didn't work out. And, in all that time, I lost 5 pounds. I mean 5 pounds is 5 pounds, but in 13+ weeks I had hoped to lose some more. Plus now with the stress of moving and working on the house, the thought of making food and counting macros every single day just doesn't work for me. I am tired of struggling and fighting with my food and myself. So, starting tomorrow, I'm back to AltShift. That is basically 5 days low carb and 3 days low fat. I felt my best when I ate paleo but paleo didn't completely work for me. I liked AltShift but I gave it up pretty quick. So tomorrow I'm going to give it a real go. I know that I can follow a plan if it works for me. I also know that I can stick with it when things aren't working well. I'm jumping in with little prep and I might have a slow start. Maybe I'll take a week off from all diets and just eat. Wow, what a concept. No, left to my own devices I will not eat well at all. So tomorrow is AltShift. I will need to do some kind of cooking tonight to have food for tomorrow, but I can throw something in the crockpot.

Okay, time to go grab dinner and get ready for tomorrow.

Social media holiday

I've decided to take a break from social media. I spend far, far too much time just scrolling through Facebook. Yes, I get a lot of in...