16 July 2016

Some soul searching

I joined this group on Facebook, the Hugs and Bacon Tribe. It is run by this guy who is kind of a big deal in paleo - The Civilized Caveman. The group though is about more than eating or diet. It is about finding your best self. About discovering what is holding you back and moving through it. About being positive and making progress no matter how small. I had just decided, earlier this week, that I needed to take a couple of steps back. The things I was trying to do was too much, too soon. I needed to go back to the beginning and take baby steps. That was when I found the group. Timing really is everything. The first thing he had us do is make a calendar and pick one new habit for the month. We also had to come up with a positive affirmation statement to say to ourselves all the time. So I picked the habit of walking in the morning and yoga in the afternoon. My affirmation statement is; I am a strong, motivated, and confident woman. I did well with both of these things for 2 days and then yesterday it all fell apart. I didn't workout at all. I never even looked at my affirmation statement, in fact when asked for it last night I actually had to look at my calendar because I couldn't remember it. Needless to say, I felt like a failure. Then the guy who runs it did a live cast and covered just these type of things. How we need to be authentic and real. How breaking old mindsets and patterns is not going to be easy and will bring up all kinds of stuff. Once again, it was just what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. So I fessed up about yesterday and forgave myself for it. Then on my walk this morning, I tried to figure out why I do the things I do. Why do I self-sabotage myself all the time? I should explain that when I wrote my affirmation, I thought I was taking the easy way out by saying the things I said. I am strong, I know that and freely admit it. Motivation I struggle with, but I figure if I said it everyday it would become self-fulfilling. The confident??? When I wrote the statement, I thought that I was confident. Sure. Well, on my walk today I realized that I'm not confident at all. I second guess every decision I make. I feel like I'm an imposer in most areas of my life. I don't feel like I'm qualified to teach chemistry, let alone AP. I don't believe that I have the skills and knowledge to write a dissertation. Who am I fooling?? That's when it hit me. That affirmation was a sneaky mind trick I played on myself. I am not confident. At least not all the time. And so much of my confidence and self esteem is tied into my weight. I am fat and so feel like a failure and therefore not confident. I AM NOT A FAILURE!! Just because I let life get to me and I lost my focus on my health, does not make me a failure. It makes me human. But the good thing is, as long as I'm still breathing I have the ability to change things up. And change things up I will. Starting today. I have always said that knowing the problem is half the battle, and now I know the problem. So the first thing that is happening is the dialogue in my head needs to change. I am going to run the 'I am confident' tape constantly. When I run into something I don't understand or am having trouble with, I will say ' I don't understand this, YET!' I will not fall into negative thoughts and patterns. I'm smart. I know what I'm doing and I just need to learn to have faith in that.

I am a strong, motivated, and CONFIDENT woman.

15 July 2016

This is killing me.......


We were supposed to close on the house on Wednesday, but that didn't happen. Due to having to pay some things off and frankly me dragging my feet, we are now waiting. Waiting. Waiting....it is killing me. I woke this morning with such a positive attitude, I was sure that something good was going to happen today. The pins and needles waiting to find out if it will go through.....ugh....it is killing me...... Then this morning the taxes came up....I was hoping that would just slide under the radar but it didn't. They only know about 2015, now I have to pray they don't find out about the other years......ugh......please, please, please make this happen. I will be the best person ever!!! I will pay all my taxes and never go into debt again and be the best person I can possibly be. Oh please, please, please...... I can't stand this waiting. I'm on pins and needles and it is going to be a long, long weekend. Trying to keep a positive attitude and keep my thoughts positive. I do believe in positivity, but it is getting harder and harder to keep it up.

11 July 2016

A ghost town


Today we went here. It was really cool. We walked and walked and walked and then took the train around. It was really a lot of fun. Plus there was some beautiful artwork there that I want to go back for once we move. Very cool.

So since the 4th, things have fallen into a kind of rhythm. I get up in the morning and go for a walk/run. Then I get Hubby up and we take the dogs to the dog park. After an hour or so, we come home and jump in the pool before breakfast. The days after that have been pretty lazy. On Sunday we never even left the house and I took 2 naps. Realizing that we can't spend the next 2 weeks or so that way, I have made a list of things to do. We will be doing something every day. Today was the first one and the ghost town won out. Of course, that will be hard to top.

I have been getting my steps in and that is awesome. I've also completed the first week of couch to 5k and I'm very proud of myself. Food has not been great. I need to get a handle on that and I'm not sure what is causing the lapse. It may be partly do to the boredom factor, which is what I'm trying to alleviate with my list of things to do.

Otherwise, life is good. I'm loving living in Arizona and it's weird to think that I live here now. Definitely getting used to this.

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