It is 4:30 am and I am supposed to be working on my dissertation, which I did just finish loading articles, but I have some thoughts that I just need to get out of my head and find a way around.
Last night I had planned on going to Crossfit for the mobility class and I was also thinking of going to school for an open house they were having. Now neither of those things happened and I'm kind of upset with myself about it. Why didn't they happen? Because I was tired! Tired!! What a stupid excuse. And I wasn't even that tired because I did not take a nap, or should I say fall asleep at my desk - which is what I usually do when I'm really tired. So yes, I was tired, but not that tired. Also, the mobility class is not like a workout, I totally could have done it. And the going to the open house would mean that I did not have to go to the next one. Ugh!!! I let a little thing like 'tired' control my life. I did go to bed early, but I would have been able to go to bed at that time anyway. Ugh!!!!
So I need a strategy to battle 'tired'. I can't give into it. I can't let it control my life because then nothing will get done. I need to find a way to combat it or to just not let it take over things. And truth be told, I really wasn't that tired. I've come home completely wiped out before, I was not like that last night. Ugh!!! Ugh!!! Ugh!!!.
No more. I cannot let tiredness rule my life. I have let that happen for far too long and it has made me miserable. It has also made me fat. I used to be able to use rest and napping as a reward. Now it has become a way of life. Done, over, no more. I will not allow tiredness to be an excuse anymore. Unless I'm just literally dead on my feet. Otherwise, I make a plan, I stick with it and not ifs, ands, or buts. I am tired of my lazyness and the stress and delays it causes me. It is partially responsible for my lack of progress on my dissertation as well as my weight gain. That is it, no more. I'm really so completely over this.
Okay, just needed to get that off my chest and sort it out in my head. I'm not going to allow anything but my plans and goals to run my life. I'm especially not going to allow tiredness to do that.
15 January 2017
Well, the week did not go as planned. I spent the first part of the week very, very tired. That was expected, but I still let it get the better of me. My planner for the week is almost completely blank. I just filled in some stuff right now. I can usually tell how the week went based on the planner. A full planner with lots of notes everywhere, productive week. A blank planner means I mentally checked out. Which I kind of did this week. So now I'm paying the consequences. The thing is, I can't cry over what is done. I really need to move on. So, that is what I'm doing, moving on.
I have a goal. I have a number of goals. I just need to get a plan and follow through. So, let's start with goal #1: health and fitness. In my defense, my feet were killing me most of the week. I'm not exactly sure why, other than my weight, but it was painful to walk/stand most of the week. Because of that, I did not go to cross or do any walking on the treadmill as planned. My feet feel much better now, so we recycle that plan. Crossfit 3x per week and walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes other nights. Not a crazy, impossible goal, just something that needs to get done every single day.
Goal #2 is my dissertation. I have basically not touched it for 2 weeks. I have truly been avoiding it. The reasons are myriad and complex but it honestly boils down to money. I don't know how I'm going to pay them what I owe and how I'm going to keep on top of paying them. The truth is that we can afford it, but I like having money and not worrying about it. Of course, paying them won't cause us to worry about money, it will just allow us to spend less on nonsense. We will have to become more frugal, something we have not been good at recently. I don't want to worry about money. I want to create a budget and stick to it and stop spending like I'm Rockefeller. In honesty, it is me. I buy things at the drop of a hat. I need to break that. I became very frugal when we were getting ready to sell the house, so I know I can do it. I really just have to decide I want it bad enough. My motivation when I started this is not the same. I started this to help us get out of Hawaii. Well, we are out of Hawaii, so what is my motivation now? I don't know if I will get more if I have a Ph.D. probably.... I don't know. What I do know is that I have to decide and do it quickly. I have a lot of ground to make up and finances to work through if I decide to continue. I hate to be ABD. I always felt that was a cop out because the dissertation is the hardest part. Classes are easy. Writing on your own is brutal. Ugh..... I'm torn. I think I need to throw myself into my dissertation for a bit and see if I can get my mojo back. I had plans of working on my dissertation in the mornings, but then I didn't pack my lunch the night before and that took up all my time. So I need to take care of these things the night before. Then I can get up, make coffee, and start working until it is time to walk the dogs.
So, here are my intentions for the coming week. Create a plan for a) working out and b) dissertation writing and stick to it. At the end of the week, I will evaluate how things went, particularly with the dissertation, and determine my step forward from there. I honestly think that I may remove myself from the house to work on it this weekend. I'm thinking of going to the library this afternoon for a couple of hours while he watches football. Sometimes, putting myself in a different environment sparks the creativity and lessens the distractions. That was the whole idea behind the 4 am work time. Reduce distractions from life around me. Okay, then I will do Crossfit 3x a week and I may sneak in a Core/Stretch on Tuesday. Okay, I feel good about this. I need to take control and I haven't felt like I had it regarding my dissertation. So, starting today, I will take control and not just roll with the flow. I need to decide what I'm going to do with this. I have one week to figure it out.
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