23 November 2013

I feel like writing

I get in these moods when I feel like something needs to be done and I'm not sure exactly what. I need to do something drastic to really change things up. I know that doing the same things will get me the same results and I don't want that. I want things to be different.

Okay, I kind of know the problem so I'm going to go. In spite of my month of gratitude, I'm feeling a little ungrateful. I see people who are doing and getting things I would like to do and get and I feel a little jealous. There we go, I've said it. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel good about it, but it's the truth. This month of gratitude has helped that feeling a whole lot, but it is still there a little and I need to lose it. I'm feeling a lot of, how come they can do it and I can't? type of feelings. Also the, why is it so easy for them? Now I know that is not true. I know that they had to work hard for the things they get, but from the outside it looks easy.

Another problem is that some things do come really easy to me and so I want all things to be that easy. For example, sewing. I can sew like a champ. I can look at something and figure out how it is made. Many times I can even recreate it. Like these wrist wraps. My trial and error I figured out how to make them. Then there is school. I started a Ph.D. program in March and I have just finished my 6th class. I do papers at the last minute and get an A. I do really well in school with minimum effort. Of course, if I put in more than minimum effort, I would probably do much better and get a lot more out of it. Next quarter for sure.

So there it is. I'm jealous and I want these things to be as easy for me as sewing and learning. They are not. They are something I have not mastered. Something I have to struggle with constantly. Something that may never be easy for me. So what can I do about that? Well, first I have to accept it. If I don't accept it, it will continue to be a huge problem. If I accept it and resign myself to the fact that it is hard, it will stop being a battle. Oprah said, what you resist persists. And that is true. These things may never be easy for me, but if I accept that they are hard they will become easier.

I also have to accept the fact that I have limitations. I am 54 years old. I will never lift as much or run as fast as a 20something, or even a 30something. I just won't. I can be good for my age, but I'll never be as good as them. So I need to accept that and come to terms with it. I also need to accept the fact that I will never have a skinny body. My body is just not created to be skinny. That does not mean I can not try to be the best I can be, it means that I need to keep it realistic and not get discouraged because what I want is completely unattainable.

So I need to focus these finals gratitude days on really being grateful. Really understanding that I am who I am, and only so much can change. I need to accept certain things and not dwell on them. Like the alcoholics anonymous prayer:
Gad grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That is what I need to do. Focus on what I can change, accept the things I can't, and not get crazy over what is.

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