Well that escalated quickly

 It's been a minute since I posted here. I've started a few posts but they petered out after the first paragraph or two. Just couldn't seem to get it together. It's now Thursday morning of the first week of teachers returning. It also happens to be 5:30am. We've spent the past week working in our classrooms and in various meetings. It's been good. Kind of excited for the new school year. I'm much more prepared than I was last year and I feel like it will be awesome. 

I've been going through a rollercoaster of emotions over my weight. Hubby and I really reigned in our eating about 3 weeks ago and I'm feeling so, so much better. But the scale doesn't really show it and that just got to me over the weekend. Oh, also, I've been told to restrict my exercise to non-impact because of my knee, so that means no gym. Then I was told to not exert myself by my cardiologist because during a stress test my blood pressure skyrocketed. So I've been basically not moving, or moving very little. Which messes with my brain. So over the weekend I just kind of lost it. I was going to sign up for weight loss drugs. I did sign up for some weird weight loss guy on Facebook. Then I signed up for a preliminary evaluation at a weight loss clinic in Ahwatukee. Yup, spinning out of control. So I think I've gotten a handle on it now. I've been on blood pressure medication for a few days and definitely feeling better. I'm going to start working out, light at first, tomorrow. I actually have been doing a little working out in the pool. I sit on a giant noodle and bicycle around the pool. It really works the legs but does not seem to get my heart rate up too much. Tomorrow I'm going to do a small Supernatural workout. Nothing crazy, just 10ish minutes, that's all. I'm also going to start riding my bike throughout the day. Just 10 minutes here and there. I need to do something for my mental health. 

As for my weight. Do you know how annoying it is to be this old and be able to read back through this blog and realize I've been struggling with my weight almost my entire life? That is so depressing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking about my weight all the time. So I need to just come to peace with it. I need to just accept it and move on. That doesn't mean I will give up taking care of myself, not at all. Because I'm taking care of myself so that I can live a long, full life, not so that I can be a certain weight. I think I have finally accepted the fact that I will never be skinny or even reasonably close to skinny. And I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean I can't be healthy and active and vibrant. So I think I'm kind of done with the whole weight loss thing. I'm going to take good care of myself, eat right and move, because that's what I want to do and that's what I deserve. But no more beating myself up over my weight. I'm absolutely done with that. 

The end is near

 of summer vacation that is. Teachers are due back next Monday, which means this is my last week of freedom. It's been a good summer. I've said before that last year was rough and it was true. I've spent the summer just relaxing and working on things I want to work on and that has been amazing. I just started to get bored last week so it's time to go back. 

I have done a lot of work on my business. I got my Etsy store up and running and have made a few sales. Yesterday I approached some of my friends about 'purchasing' something from my shop. My plan was for them to purchase something, send it to them, then refund their money. In return they would post a good review on Etsy for me. So I sent out a few messages and the overwhelming response was that they would buy something from me. What??? That was so awesome of them. So I had 4 orders come in yesterday, 3 from friends and one real order. I watched an Etsy shop review and one of the things the reviewer said was that you need at least 5 sales and 5 reviews. So that's what I'm after. If every one who got a cup writes a review I will hit that golden 5. If they don't I keep trying. So I feel like I tackled the Etsy monster, now it's time to take on the Amazon beast. 

But today it's time for school. I got all new tables and chairs 2 weeks ago, so I'm off to get my room rearranged and set up. I also have to put some vinyl up on my boards and just generally get things arranged so that I'm ready to go. I don't want to be doing that next week when we have meetings all week. 

Alright, it's time to get moving. I have to shower, walk the dog, load my car and get moving. Oh, I should get some breakfast too. I'm off. 

Start where you are at

 A large part of my problem with workouts and my weight, etc., is the fact that I used to be really hardcore. I tell people I used to be an athlete because that's the easiest way to describe it. I was hardcore. I used to workout twice a day. I would get up in the morning and go for a run in the park. Then, after a long day at the lab, come home and either swim in the ocean or do a weight workout. Weekends were reserved for long workouts; bike rides or runs. It would not be uncommon for me to ride from the ranch to Kailua to a meeting on Saturday morning, then home again. Easily 20+ miles. Or I would take my car to the meeting and then do a 6 mile loop around Kailua. Since I was never fast, that would take me an hour - an hour and a half. So yeah, I used to be really hardcore. Why is that a problem now? Because I have a tendency to compare myself to who I was then. First, I was easily 50 lbs lighter and I was 25 years younger. A very different person than I am now. That doesn't mean I still can't be hardcore, I just have not been hardcore for quite a while so I need to start where I'm at and not where I was. 

The last few days I've been trying to wrap my head around that. I am old. I am extremely overweight. I need to start here and not think I can go bust out a workout that is above my abilities right now. That's what I've been trying to do the last few days. Walking outside is completely out of the question right now. We are having these blazing, blazing temperatures. Even at 4am it's almost 90F already. So yeah, going outside is pretty much not happening right now. I also haven't been going to the gym because of my knee- my left knee this time. So I had kind of given up on working out. Then Hubby suggested we get a bike stand so I could ride my bike in the house. The bike is much easier on the knees and having a stand in the house I can easily ride and not worry about the weather. So we got on. I set it up the other day and rode for 10 minutes and thought I was going to die. So I need to make that a regular thing. And yes, if I only ride for 10 minutes at a time, so be it. That's where I am now. And then I remember Supernatural. I haven't done that in months and above all it is fun. Also, I can go as easy or as hard as I want to. So for the last 3 mornings I've been doing that and it has been a hoot. I'm able to stand in one place without moving around too much and that is awesome. I've started on the low workouts just because I didn't know how it would feel after not doing it for so long. Today I can really feel it in my upper arms. Yay!!!!

Paleo is going well. Really. Really. Well. Hubby is all in on this and it is awesome to see. It is so much better when you have a partner in it with you. I weight myself every Monday morning for Lumen and this Monday I was down 3 lbs. Now I'm pretty sure that was mostly bloat and water, but I'll take it. I feel so good too. I don't feel like I'm 6 months pregnant. Hubby went out to lunch with the boys yesterday and he had grilled wings with only salt and pepper on them and a salad. He did have 3 beers but he said he felt yucky after that. I guess it was just getting him at the right time to get him fully on board with Paleo. I love it. 

So, the point, and I do have one, is that I can't think of myself the way I used to be. I have to think of myself the way I am now and deal with it. I have to start where I am. If I stick with this program, I'll get back to where I was, though I don't know that I'll ever do two workouts a day again. I'm not racing anymore. But here is where I start. Let's see where this takes me. 

Why

 I have a pretty fabulous life. I really do. Especially when you consider the way I started out. Everyone was sure I'd end up dead. But somewhere along the line, I got my act together and really do have a pretty fabulous life. I have a job that I really like, most of the time, and I feel like I'm making a difference in the world. My bosses are amazing as people and as bosses. I have never worked for people that made it such a pleasure to work there. And I get paid decently for it. I'm married to a man who has put up with all my nonsense over 35 years, and lord there has been nonsense. I never thought I would be married for that long because they were all losers. I have a house that I really, really love. We've been able to make the backyard just what we want and I love it. I've managed to make it to 65 without any major illnesses or injuries. Yes, I'm getting a lot more aches and pains lately but I think that has to do with my lifestyle. So things are good. Really, really good. I have more than I ever could have imagined I would have and yet................ I get jealous of people. I do. And I'm not quite sure why. Do I really want more than I have? Okay, let's look at it. 

We have some friends who came into a lot of money a few years back. They were apparently rolling in it. I got a little jealous because I thought, man I would like to come into money. I would love to have money just handed to me like that. But then I watched them and saw that they apparently went through it and are only slightly better off than they started. Hmmmm.....  Then I have another friend who is possibly going to come into a few million. I think about that and I am a little jealous. I have had to work hard my entire life and I've worked for everything we have. Now think about it, is that bad? No. I appreciate everything we have and everything we've worked for so that's good. What would I do if someone handed me a few million dollars? I'd pay off all our bills and that's about it. I wouldn't quit my job, I'm really questioning retirement lately. I would probably travel more but even that would be limited due to Maverick. So what? I would have a few million sitting in a bank? The thing is I want money to do the things I want to do, but I don't want money just to have money. I don't know.

The thing that brought this whole line of thought up was my sister. She is currently living in Hawaii and there are times when I get jealous of her for living there. Now, I'm trying to figure out exactly why. I lived there for 27 years and left because of the way things had gotten there. Do I miss it? Sometimes. But, as I tell people, I miss the Hawaii that we moved to in 1990, I don't miss Hawaii the way it is now. So why should I be jealous that she's living there? I should be happy for her. For the first time in her life she is supporting herself and really being an adult. That should make me happy. 

So, am I that petty of a person that I can't be happy for other people and I have to be jealous of them? Would I want their lives? Never!! Am I completely happy in my life? I really, truly am. So what is the issue? Am I just a small person with no ability to rejoice in other's good fortunes? Maybe. Maybe because I never had anything handed to me, I do get a little jealous when people are handed things. Not that any of these people were just handed things out of the blue, they all came at a cost to the receiver. Maybe because I feel like my life has been pretty good, no major ups and downs through the whole thing. Maybe I don't know how to not feel jealous because none of those things have ever happened to me. But I haven't needed them. I've managed to take care of myself my entire life. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just tired of being an adult and am jealous when others don't have to be. But that makes no sense at all either. 

I don't know. Maybe I do need to talk with someone to figure this out. I know that feeling this way makes me a small, petty person and I do not want to be that person. Maybe I need to speak with someone and figure it all out. 

I've fallen into the summer pit

 I thought I was going to avoid it this year because I had my business to focus on. But I didn't. So I started the summer great. Had a list of things to get done (a lot of which I have completed) and tons and tons of motivation. I was walking every morning and feeling great. I really thought this summer would be different. Then, slowly, very slowly, things began to change. I would have days were I didn't do anything. I was okay with that because everyone needs a break. But then I would find myself cruising Facebook when I was supposed to be working. As soon as I had a down moment, I'd jump on Facebook. Now sometimes it was legitimate, I was looking for something. But most of the time it was not. I was just killing time. That gradually led me into doing less and less and less. Now I feel like I'm on the verge of a depression. I don't feel motivated to do much of anything. I've put things off that are fairly easy to do. I'm in the middle of 4 different projects that I want to complete for my business. Oh, and I've stopped walking because of my knee. So I'm not getting much exercise and I'm just sitting around doing not much of anything. Yeah, this has to end now. 

In good news, talking with Hubby yesterday and he is pretty frustrated with his weight. We are trying to get work pants for him and Old Navy didn't even carry his size. When we measured his waist, it was considerably larger than even he thought. So he got kind of upset and said he needs to lose some weight. His idea was that he would take up his pool workouts again. Seeing an opening, I walked right in and we had a great conversation about diet. I explained to him that you can't out work a bad diet and that is where we really need to focus our energy. He was all in. I decided to go paleo only because it's easier on him. Meat and veggies, carbs occasionally. He was on it. I had thought that we would start today, Friday, because we would need to plan and shop and all that. But not him. He jumped right in. It's great to see him so motivated, I just hope it lasts. I hope that he can start feeling really good and that will motivate him to continue. He had the idea of buying a bike stand so I could ride in the house. My knee has really been acting up and bike riding actually builds up the muscles around the knee for better support. I had fixed up my bike with the idea of riding in the morning instead of walking, but that hasn't happened yet because of the oppressive heat we are currently experiencing. So he came up with the idea of a bike trainer. It will be here tomorrow. 

So I need to get out of this pit I'm slowly sinking into. I need to force myself to do things even if I don't feel like it and I need to stay off Facebook so much. I can do it. I'm going to make a list of things to get done today and work solely on that list. If it's not on the list, I ain't doing it. Tomorrow is vinyl cutting day. A friend has been asking for some vinyl stickers for well over a year now. I've been waiting patiently for her to give me what she wants. Well, I finally get what she wants on Wednesday and she wants them next Wednesday. Kind of irritated me. I'm now supposed to drop everything I've got going and make her stickers? Or does she think I have nothing going because it's summer? If that's what she thinks, she is wrong. I've got a lot of crap going on. But Hubby wants some things too, so I can spend the day on vinyl. Going to charge her for it though. 

Okay, feeling a lot better mentally. This is what worries me about retirement. I get like this over the 9 weeks of summer, what will I be like over the rest of my life. Hopefully, when I retire my business will be a little busier and I will have that to keep me busy. Also, I think I will have to volunteer at a few places. I will need to keep busy and even though I'm an introvert, I will need to interact with other people. Oh well, I have a few more years before I have to worry about that. I'm off to make my list for today. 

Imposter syndrome

 Heard a great speech the other day about how women are made to think they have imposter syndrome. Society says women should be X, Y, Z and when you are not you don't know what you are doing and that leads to imposter syndrome. It made sense even though I'm not explaining it correctly. 

I got my first Etsy sale and am getting ready to ship it out. I am struggling because I feel like an imposter. How am I good enough to sell this stuff to people? What if they don't like it? What about the slight difference in color that apparently only I can see? What if... What if... What if....

The truth is I made it to the best of my ability. Is it perfect? No! Is it good, really good? Yes. This person saw it and bought it. It's going to look exactly like the picture in my ad so that's a good thing. Today I am shipping it out and letting it go. I just need to get over myself and hope for the best. 

I'm done

 I fall into old habits pretty easily. I guess because they are something I'm used to even if they don't really work for me anymore. They are comfortable. They are familiar. And they are easy because I've already mastered them. But I'm tired of them. I mean really, really tired. So I'm trying to convince myself to be done with them. At least some of them. 

I have been focusing on losing weight for so much of my life and I'm really, really tired of it. I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't thought about food or working out in the past 40ish years. I'm tired of it. Yet when I look back on pictures of myself, I really haven't changed my body in all that time. I've been hardcore workout person and still had the same basic body. I've been super strict on my food and still had the same body. So the lesson I think is that, this is my body. I'm not going to be able to change it a whole lot now. 

So, rather than focusing on weight loss and how my body looks, I should be focusing on keeping things working and healthy for the remainder of my life. I should be focusing on living pain free, being able to do the things I want to do, and enjoying the rest of my life. I know that I've said this before, but I don't think it has really resonated with me. When you've spent so much of your life focused on one thing it is really hard to switch focus. But I need to. Focusing on weight loss is not helping me at all. 

So, I need to go back to focusing on treating myself well. I need to do things not because I want a specific outcome, but because it is good for me. I need to be kind to myself. To do things that help me and not for what they will make me look like. 

See, I've fallen back into that old, old mindset and I've got to get rid of it. So rather than think of things that will help me lose weight or look better or fit into clothes or whatever. I'm going to focus on things that are good for me and that will help me feel myself. That includes things like working out and walking and eating good food.

Okay, I think I'm feeling it again. 

For the foreseeable future, I'm stepping away from Lumen. I think that is feeding into my nonsense. It measures when you are burning fat and I'm kicking myself when I'm not. That doesn't make any sense. I do have some control over my body and how it utilizes food, but it's a long game. 

Okay, that's the plan. No Lumen. Do things that I know are good for me and make me feel good. I'm all in.