04 December 2016
I've been feeling like I'm gaining weight. I'm not. At least not according to the scale. I haven't been going to Crossfit. Or walking. Or doing anything at all. So I'm feeling fat and bloated and generally Pillsbury dough boyish. I was trying to figure out why this is happening and I think I figured it out. I've been dealing with this nonsense with my sister for a couple of weeks now. Although I've been saying that it doesn't bother me and I'm just the messenger, I think I was lying to myself. I think I have been under an enormous amount of stress and just did not recognize it. Me!!! I finally started to become aware of it last week and then tonight, while I took a relaxing bath, it kind of settled in and started to make sense. I've been internalizing this stress and working very hard not to let it get to me and thereby creating more stress..... Time to end it. First, my sister leaves for rehab Tuesday morning, so that will be out of my hands. Next, I need to start meditating again. Tonight. I also need to start yoga again. Tomorrow.
Another problem is that I've been letting myself down. I make these grand plans to workout either in the morning or at Crossfit or whatever. So, one day at a time and one workout at a time. No pressure. No stress. No lofty expectations. Just trudging through it one workout at a time, one day at a time, one meal at a time. So, project stress reduction is on.
02 December 2016
For the past few months, I've been sitting down on the weekend and setting up my planner for the following week. I have been filling in work time, which is important, but I've also been filling in workouts, dissertation work, etc. Then I have not been following through. Hardly ever anyway. I think my view of the whole week at a time was sabotaging me. I think I would just get tired looking at all the days filled in with all this stuff to do. Because my weekdays are a little packed. Up in the morning, walk the dogs, work, crossfit, dinner time, dissertation work, getting to bed at a decent hour. I think laying it all out for the whole week was just too overwhelming. I would come home from work tired and end up not doing anything. So I'm taking a little bit different approach this week. I'm going to focus on one day at a time. Every night before bed, I will sit down and plan the next day. No planning out the whole week. No grand plans of finishing a chapter in one week or working out 5x in the week. I will take it one day at a time.
I will still have my grand plan, finishing my dissertation or losing some weight, but I'm not going to focus on that - only keep it in mind. So one day at a time is the motto for this week. I found that it worked well for my dissertation work this week. Instead of thinking, I have to finish this chapter, I thought, let me do a little bit. It worked. 3 nights in a row I worked on Chapter 1. The little things that need to be done can take a lot of time and those aren't so hard to do on a weeknight. So, that's how I'm going to approach everything this week. One day at a time. One act at a time. Starting right now!!! Time to get ready for a staff meeting - oh joy!!!
26 November 2016
My last real post was on the 13th and so much has happened since then. Let's start at the beginning. I had wanted to go to California for Thanksgiving. I had asked Hubby if he wanted to contact his family about going up there and he didn't. I contacted my daughter about hooking up with them, but they were going over to her husband's cousins house and we were welcome to come. But we were going to have the dogs and the bird and I didn't want to intrude on them with all the animals....you get it. So I contacted my sister-in-law. We had recently become friends on Facebook and I messaged her to ask what they were doing for Thanksgiving. So, after much back and forth, I kind of invited myself to Thanksgiving dinner at my nephew's house where we also stayed with the dogs and everything. Well, let's just say it was awesome. I got to spend a lot of time with my nephew, who I haven't seen in probably 30 years, and my brother and sister-in-law, who I haven't seen in at least 27 years. My other brother came up and so did my other nephew. It was awesome. We talked and talked. Shared stories. Talked about some issues with other family members. It was amazing. I hated to leave. Hated. To. But we'll be going back again. I cannot put into words how good it felt to connect with my family again. While I was never not talking to them or anything, it was a long, long time since we spoke. We used to keep track of each other through Mom, but when Mom passed away we just kind of drifted apart. It was just an amazing couple of days. I feel like I may have upset my daughter, since I only had a couple of hours to spend with her, but that is another story completely. I will make that up to her. I just can't put into words how good it was to see my family again. There were times when I had felt all alone and now I know I'm not. My family was so happy to see us and spend time with us, it was truly amazing. So this Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for my family.
Okay, now back to real life. I have got to figure out a schedule that works for me with this dissertation. I have a goal of 10 hours a week to spend on it. Now, how will I do that? I'm going to make 2 lists; things I have to do every day and things I want to do every day.
Have to do: Want to do:
Walk dogs in am Crossfit
Work Dissertation work
When I lay it out like that, it does not look so bad. I just need to come up with a plan and stick to. I did pretty well last week when I focused on doing Crossfit and Core/Stretch. Maybe that is what I will do. Crossfit 3x a week and Core/Stretch 2x a week. That was what I started out to do. Okay, let's give this a go. Again. I think I need to stop thinking that I need to have time to rest and time to watch TV. I am slowly getting into the habit of recording everything and just watching on the weekends when I have time. I just need to keep doing that. I also like to get to bed by 8:30 and I think I can still do that with little problem. I will do it this week and see how it goes.
I need to get ready for next week by getting my planner set up.
13 November 2016
Today I did something I have not done in a long, long time. I went shopping. I have reached a point where I only have a few clothes to wear because I've gained so much weight. I wear the same things to school over and over again. Luckily there are only 4 days and I have about 10 outfits, but still, the same thing over and over and over and over.......... Also, I need some warm clothes. It is getting chilly here and I need some warmer clothes to wear. And finally, I don't own a coat. I don't. I have jackets, but no warm coat. We are going up to the Bay Area for Thanksgiving and it is bloody cold up there. It is 60F there right now. Brrr.... The high was 67F. Ugh!!! So yeah, I needed some new work clothes and some warm clothes for the trip. So I went shopping. And it was hard. But, the good news is, I finally admitted that I am large and I bought clothes that fit. I tried on the pants I bought and they fit so I won't be depressed when they don't. It was rather cathartic to admit I'm fat and to buy my true size. It was freeing in a way. I wonder if that is the key, acceptance. My greatest weight loss successes have always come from a place of love and acceptance. I've never had any luck when I've been I've been negative and depressed. So I think I'm moving into acceptance and with acceptance comes the loss of depression.
As I was writing this last night, I got a call from my nephew. I have not spoken to my nephew in easily 35 years, so it was amazing to hear from him. We will be traveling up and spending Thanksgiving with him and his wife, my brother and sister-in-law, and my other brother and nephew. I'm really excited about this. We have not been together since before I moved to Hawaii. There have been a lot of ups and downs in the process, but we are family and I'm looking forward to seeing them again.
It is now Sunday afternoon. I have built shelves in my closet. Done laundry. And set up my planner for next week. I'm trying to plan my week and keep it reasonable. I like doing yoga in the morning for 15 or 20 minutes, that helps get me going in the morning. I will go to Crossfit every single day. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will do Crossfit. Tuesday and Thursday I will do Core & Stretch. Then in the evenings I will do some work on my dissertation. I have 2 weeks until class starts again and I would love to have something substantial to turn in right away. Then I will focus on Chapter 2 and hopefully Chapter 3. I would love to get this done and ready to go to URB. I just need to buckle down and do it.
Okay, I am finally going to post this.
11 November 2016
It did and I'm not exactly sure why. I have a good idea, but I'm not positive. So let's review.
Sunday: Was a pretty good day. God most everything done but did not work on my dissertation. Hmmmm......
Monday: Was very good. Did everything that was on my to-do list and really felt awesome. Was tired that night but did some work on my dissertation and went to bed nice and early.
Tuesday: This is where things started to fall apart. Did not get up and do yoga - that was an accident. Did ride my bike to school. Did not go to core & stretch and did not work on my dissertation. I did have a really sore left bicep that made it difficult to bend and move. Even today, it is still a little sore.
Wednesday: Did not do anything on my list but walk the dogs in the morning. Arm was really sore and I'm not sure what happened about everything else.
Thursday: Again, nothing got done. Not 100% sure why, but apparently whatever it was seemed like a good idea at the time.
Friday: now here we are today. I need to make up time that I wasted during the week. I'm rather angry with myself, but anger is really not going to help, I need to figure out how to make it work.
I have a number of things to do today, but I really, really, really want to go to Crossfit. Not because I really want to, but because I need to. I need to stick to my schedule, It is not that hard and I can do it. I let laziness and apathy get in the way this week.
I am going to make a plan and stick to it, no matter what.
I am stronger than this.
I am better than this.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I am tired of being disappointed with myself.
Today it all changes.
06 November 2016
I guess insanity is not something you get over just like that. I am at the heaviest I've been in almost 20 years. And I really want to lose weight and get back in shape, but I keep doing the same things over and over and it doesn't work. UGH!!!! So I need to try something different. But it can't be too crazy or I won't stick with it. But something has to give. I can't stand the way I feel. My feet hurt almost all the time. My clothes don't fit. I'm tired a lot. I don't like this at all. So time for a change. Need to shake things up to get things moving.
So here's the plan. I just discovered last night, that my smart TV has fitness channels. I got a couple of yoga ones. I thought that I'd start with 15-30 minutes of yoga in the mornings. That should not wear me out or make me super tired for the day. Or make my feet hurt even more than normal. Then I'll do Crossfit on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I'll do Core & Stretch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll ride my bike to school and Crossfit. I'm also going to work to hit my steps every day. If I have to jump on the treadmill for a few minutes, so be it. And this is non-negotiable. I am going to write it down in my planner and I'm going to stick to it. Just for one week. I have to do something. I'm not even going to bring up the food with Hubby. BTW, he is doing a fabulous job of cooking almost strictly paleo. Just little slips here and there, but amazing with the paleo meals. There are a couple of things he does that I don't like, using Eggbeaters is one. But, considering I'm not doing any activity, I can't exactly bitch about the food. So I'll work on myself first and then tackle the food issue.
Along with all this activity, I need to fit in time for my dissertation every day. I don't think that will be a problem though. My day would go something like this:
4:00 get up
4:30 do a little yoga
5:00 walk the dogs
5:30 shower, dress, eat, get ready for school
6:30 leave for school
7:00 - 3:00 school
Mondays and Wednesdays:
3:15ish - leave school for Crossfit
5:00 ride home
5:30 bath and relax for a bit.
6:30 dinner, clean kitchen
7:00 work on dissertation, watch TV, wind down
Tuesdays and Thursdays:
3:00 - 4:00 Grading, Planning, Etc.
4:00 leave school for Crossfit
4:30 - 5:30 Core & Stretch
5:30 ride home
6:00 bath and relax for a bit
6:30 dinner, clean kitchen
7:00 work on dissertation, watch TV, wind down
There is no reason why this can't work. I just need to be disciplined and not let laziness get to me. I will do this for 1 week and see how I feel. 1 week. That is all. I mean work days are kind of filled with work anyway. Most people just don't have a whole lot of time outside of work. Some people don't get home until 6pm and then have to put kids to bed by 7 or 8, so I'm really lucky that I get done work early in the afternoon and have extra time that others don't. I have to focus on the positive and not the negatives. Yes, I don't have as much time as Hubby does. He leaves around 11 am every day. But if I had that much time every single day, I'd get bored and things would get worse. So I need to be thankful for what I have. Focus on the positive not the negative.
As a side note, I used to be a really positive person. Really. Positive. But over the last few years, I've let the negativity take over my life. I have got to shake that. Life is good. I am super lucky. Super. Lucky. Hell, my Dad didn't live to be this old. I'm am incredibly lucky. So I must focus on the positive. And I must stick to my plan, no matter what.
A couple of hours later: Well, I have the week planned out and here's what it looks like:
I have time for everything. Every. Thing. There is even time for fun and naps. The 4 days that I work are kind of jam packed, but the 3 days I have off are positively cruise. I have time to go out and do things. Time to go to lunch. Time to take a nap. While still getting workouts and dissertation work in. It can be done. I can do it. I will do it. I need to be successful this week. I need to stop feeling like a failure. So here goes!!!!
04 November 2016
I have to be extremely truthful here. I procrastinate. I let my doubts and insecurities stop me from doing things. I let my fear rule my life. It has to stop now. I committed to something today that I don't know if I can sustain. I owed Walden some money and they threatened to kick me out. Ugh!!! So I called them and agreed to pay them but I'm not positive I can swing it every month. I guess I will just have to. What this has done though is make me realize that dragging my feet is costing me money. I have got to get on the ball and get this crap done. This quarter, I have worked on my dissertation exactly 1 week. 1!!!! Week!!!!! What the hell did I do the rest of the 10 weeks????? I don't know, I can't tell you. If I put in serious effort on this, I will have it done in no time at all. I just need to freaking do it. So, in an effort to not spend a ton of money that I don't have, I have got to buckle down and get this done. I really have no choice at all. I need to just do it. If I wrote steadily, I would have something to turn in every week. I would get the worst part done in a month. A. Month!!!!!!! I could just kick myself. I spend so, so much time doing nothing. I watch mindless TV or waste time scrolling facebook repeatedly. UGH!!!! I have got to stop this.
Okay, enough beating myself up. I have to get working on this and keep working on this all the time.