Starting to feel more in control

Looking over this blog, I notice that the last couple of posts have fallen into my old routine of complaining and whining. Wanting to change but not actually following through on it. I don't like that and it is extremely unproductive. Part of the problem was that I felt my life had spun out of control. Somehow that happened over the summer when I had more time on my hands than ever before. But whatever. Since school started, I've been working hard to get my life where I want it. Well, these last 2 weeks I've made significant progress towards that. I have set up my planner to track the things I want to do daily, and I've limited them to just a couple of things to get started. I have also made sure that I did those things every day. Okay, I did not do one thing every day. But I'm working on building habits. I've gotten far better at limiting my time on Facebook and it really makes a difference. In fact, I shut down the Facebook page when I'm done looking at it. I don't just move to another tab, I shut that tab down so I can't see it. That really helps a lot. Then keeping my planner up has really made me feel successful. I jot my to-dos or notes for the day in the upper box. The middle box tracks the things I want to do every day, currently, they are training Mavy (the one I've been slipping up on) mediate (10 minutes a day currently on a 12-day streak), and check the bank (I just feel more in control and less likely to spend if I keep on top of the bank balance, plus it keeps me on top of the bills). Last week I had to clean for 15 minutes every day also and that didn't work out at all, so I removed that. Then the bottom box I write something from the day. Something good that happened. Something I want to remember. Some feeling or event from the day. I also have large numbers in highlighter to keep track of what shift I am on. So this is working for me really, really well. It keeps me focused on what is important in my life. It helps me to create the habits I want to have. It helps me to see that I do a lot of things and need to remember that when I'm feeling down on myself - which was starting to happen a little. So there we have it. Getting back to basics and really feeling like myself again. Yay me!!!

We have a problem

Actually, I have a problem and I need to get a handle on it.

On September 10, 2017, I started AltShift. It has been an amazing year. I've lost a bunch of fat and inches (no I don't know exactly how much because I haven't weighed or measured myself in months). Things have been going well up until this past summer. I fell off things this summer. I lost the meditation, and I have found that is super, super important. I also fell off the walking. Summer in Phoenix is no time for walking plus sitting around the house doesn't lend itself to lots of activity.  Since school started back in August, I've been battling to get back on track. I've been mostly successful. I started up the meditation again and my current streak is 8 days - woohoo!!!  As soon as the weather got cooler I started walking to school. Afternoons are still a little hot so walking home isn't happening every day. But I've been making my 10,000 steps every workday. And food has been okay. Not perfect by a long shot, but okay. My problem is sweets. I've been eating way more sweets than I have in a long, long time. Just today I was at WalMart and thinking I wanted something sweet. I didn't examine why I wanted them, just searched until I found something small that I could eat quickly on the way home. Yesterday I had a Snickers bar. I've had ice cream for dessert and pound cake. I need to stop. I know that part of it is the stress I'm feeling from the volleyball. Though I'm trying hard to keep it under control, it gets out of hand once in a while. Part of that problem is also my 8-day streak of meditation. I went quite a while without meditating and I could feel myself getting stressed and angry. So meditating is helping with everything, but I need to get a handle on the sweets thing. I need to cut them out. Okay, I know myself and I have to face my problems before things can get better. So here I am facing things.

Whatever happened to..........

Whenever I am bored, I look up people I haven't heard from in a while on the Internet. Now, most of these people are the type who post every day on Facebook, sometimes multiple times a day. They tend to post a whole lot of selfies and constantly talk about their life in general. Then one day - poof - they are gone. No more selfies. No more day to day details of their life. No more nothing. Just gone. And I can't help but wonder where they went. What happened? Did they suddenly realize that posting their daily life on the Internet was not the best idea? Did they suddenly discover that some of this can come back and bite them in the ass? Did they get hit by a bus? What????  It's like you can't keep us updated on every single aspect of your life and then just disappear. That's not fair. No, not really, but seriously I do wonder about them. Studies have shown that people who post a lot of selfies and who share their life extensively have a fairly low self-esteem and are generally seeking approval from people outside themselves. So I can help but wonder if they suddenly came to a realization or if they just grew up. Of course, what does it say about me that I go looking for these people? Hmmm....something to think about.

Tempus fugit

This is how time feels lately. It's going fast and I'm not sure exactly why. I know as you get older time feels to go faster, but I always thought that was on the level of years. Lately, it feels like the days and hours are going faster. Stop. Slow down. School just started a minute ago and we are damn near at fall break already. Yikes. I feel like I can feel the days getting shorter and cooler. It will be Christmas before we know it.

And boom, I just went down a rabbit hole that took me 15 minutes. I sat down to write this and had nothing on my mind, then bam, I'm off. I think that is part of the reason time flies so quickly. I go down these rabbit holes that I think will be a quick detour and end up being minutes or hours even. And that is time just lost, gone.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I have made significant progress in cutting the Facebook cord. Except for yesterday, I only got on Facebook at work during my lunch hour. That was awesome. It freed up so much time and I got a whole lot done while at school. Yay!!!!  Also, except for yesterday, I got over 10,000 steps in each day. Yay!!! Again. Yesterday was lab day and test day so I spent much of my day sitting down instead of walking around talking. Which explains both things.

Food has been much better too. Instead of getting crazy about it, I've just been working on eating the right things in the right shifts. Well, except for the cake on Wednesday and the milkshake last night. I've had a real craving for sweets lately though. I don't give in as often as I want them, but I have been eating a little here and there. Need to stop that.

Otherwise, things have been good. I've been using my planner a whole lot more than I have in the last couple of months and it really makes a difference. I track my steps, my meditation, and even the training of Mavy in there. Really helps to keep me focused and on track. Plus, it's a confidence builder to see the pages all filled out. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing things and time just isn't passing me by.

Okay, time to get the day started. Been up for almost 2 hours and have just been sitting here. Time to move.

time for a drastic change

Time for some tough love. On myself. I have reached a point where I have a desire to change my life but I just haven't actually done it. I want to do more things, but I end up sitting at the computer for hours at a time instead. I want to be a better person, but Facebook sucks me in and I waste countless hours on it. So it's time to do something really, really drastic. Remove myself as much as possible from social media. I don't really do Instagram or Twitter so those aren't an issue. It is Facebook. I can spend hours scrolling through Facebook. Hours. That has got to stop. I use it as a time killer and I end up getting sucked into the abyss that is social media. I'm not quitting completely, I just need to put some restrictions on it. So, here's the plan. I can check it in the morning on my tablet before my day truly starts. I read it on the toilet, which seems appropriate so I can live with that.  I will not look at it as long as I have something else to do. If I'm at school, no Facebook. If I'm at a volleyball game, no Facebook. If I have unfinished chores, no Facebook. Only once everything is done will I allow myself to sit down and look at Facebook. I am turning the notifications off, which I think I already did, and I will not look unless I have finished everything I wish to do for that day. So no killing 10 minutes looking at new stuff. No saving stuff to Facebook and having to go find it to do something for school. Nope. No. More. When I find something I like and want to save, it goes into Evernote or Keep. That's it. I will not look at Facebook during the day. I may not even turn my desktop on during the week. I may just use my laptop for everything. I love my desktop and I love my big screen, but the temptation to jump on Facebook really quick is too great. Time to cut the cord. This starts today. Right now. I looked through Facebook and found stuff that I was looking at last night and I realized, it's like reading the same news over and over again. Done with it. So I'm cutting the Facebook cord right now. Which means I may be writing here more often, but that can be good. I'm off to go through withdrawals.

Keeping positive

I've had a few instances recently that have reminded me how important positive thoughts are and how much I prefer to be positive rather than negative. There are a couple of teachers at school that do nothing but complain. All. The. Time. It gets so tiring to try and hold a conversation with them. In the past couple of weeks, I came to the decision to just basically avoid them as much as possible. They bitch about everything. So I have been avoiding them, just doing my own thing, and life has been much better. I still haven't been able to get a handle on my walking/eating/ meditating but I'm much happier at work and that will go a long way towards getting that other stuff in line.

I'm also getting really, really tired of Facebook. I find myself shutting it down more and more often. I used to check it during school and I find I'm not doing that near as much anymore. I'm also working on not spending all my evening time on the computer. I need to get away from this stuff. It started as a way to amuse me and enhance my life and then it gradually became my life. Now I'm in the process of withdrawing from it and actually claiming my life back. There are things I need to do on the computer, but I do not need to be on it for 4 hours straight most nights. Time to cut the cord.

That's about all here. Still working on getting back into the workflow. It's slow going, but I'm getting there. Overall, I'm happier with the way things are going at school this year than in any previous year. So that's a definite plus. Also, my weekends have been super busy. Super. Busy. I'm not sure exactly why but they have been. Like today. It's Friday and I have to drop Lola at the vet's, have breakfast with a friend, go to school and grade/copy for next week, pick Lola up, go to a volleyball game. Once I move from this computer, I literally will not get back until around 7 pm. That's crazy. Then tomorrow I have RunBuddy for the dogs, we need to go to Costco, we need to pick up some bookcases and drop them at school, then we have to hang 2 ceiling fans and install Firesticks on 2 TVs. Oh, plus run to the electronics store to grab 2 more antennas. Yikes. Sunday I have nothing and will definitely relax that day.

The positive thought idea was at the front of my mind because of a friend of mine. I have to vent just a little bit. Now this is a good friend, and I love her but she really pisses me off. She can't work for a variety of reasons and so her and her husband have been struggling financially for a while now. Then her mother in law passed away and left them a bunch of money. Or so she says. They paid off a lot of bills and seem to be in a better place financially which I'm really happy for them, I am. BUT..... Another friend has talked about getting an RV and traveling the country for as long as we have known her. After the windfall of money, the first friend ran out and bought an RV.  Now the first friend has never mentioned an RV, never expressed any interest in RVs or even traveling that much. But boom ran out and bought an RV. Now at least we rented one to try it out first, not them just spent $35,000 on it. Then a couple of weeks ago, I was telling her how we are beginning to look for a new house. We absolutely love this house but want some land for the dogs and us, and would like to get away from the HOAs. We also have a couple of criteria that must be met, it has to be one story and it has to have a pool. Almost everything else is negotiable. So we had this conversation, then we get a message that she has found a house she loves and they are going to buy a new house. WTF???  Are you serious? You don't have a single idea of your own and have to steal other peoples ideas? Then she messages us that she got them approved for a $275,000 mortgage amount and they don't have to sell their current house. That just pissed me off because I know that there is not a whole lot you can do to influence the loan decision. Maybe they were going to pay off some stuff, like that RV, or something but that's about it. Also, she told me that when they got the inheritance and paid off all their credit cards and car loans, they were just breaking even every month. How can you afford 2 mortgages when you are just breaking even?  I really don't think she has a very good head for finances and her husband just kind of goes along with whatever she wants. It's crazy. And it's kind of annoying. I know that my anger is very childish and petty and I know that I need to let it go, but it pisses me off. So there's that. I need to let it go and I am letting it go. I just needed to vent a little. I also have to keep in mind that I can't control other people. They are going to do whatever they want to and that's fine. I know what we want and I will not settle for anything less. It took us years to find the house in Hawaii, so I know I'm in for the long haul. Also, we do love this house we would just like some more yard area. So they are going to do whatever they want and I have to accept that. I know what I want and I will hold out for that.

Completely off the rails

Over the summer I let my life go completely off the rails. I stopped walking. I stopped cleaning the house. I stopped focusing on my health. I stopped prepping my planner. I stopped worrying about the food I ate. I stopped paying attention to the bank account or my spending. I stopped just about everything that made me feel like me. I figured once school started again I would get right back into the routines. It's proving harder than I thought. In fact, I have fallen into my old routines. I worked very hard to get in the mode of planning ahead in school so I didn't spend every night and every morning figuring out what the heck I was doing. Well, that's what I've been doing lately. I have been eating pretty much anything I want regardless of shift. Friday night I ate about 6 snickerdoodles and a giant cupcake for dinner. Last night I had a drink. A sweet drink. Not to even mention the candy and chips I've been eating all week.  Awesome. I had to spend about 3 hours cleaning house yesterday because I hadn't cleaned it in weeks. It was gross. And walking and mediation have completely fallen by the wayside. I haven't meditated in around 2 weeks and if I hit 7,000 steps a day I'm excited. This all has to change. And it has to change now. The thing is, I'm in a far better mindset to do these things and yet I'm not even trying to do them. It is time to change that.

I have already meditated today and I'm going to move that back to the mornings. Morning meditation just works better for me. I'm going to start walking to school regardless of the temperature. It's only in the 80's or 90's in the mornings and I can walk in that. I'm also going to get a whole lot stricter with the food. Sleep has been okay but it can be better, so that is on my list also. I've been stretching my bedtime but I'm going to focus on going to bed at 8pm every single night.

I needed to purge myself of this nonsense. I've been using the weather as an excuse and it's time to let it go. If the football team and my girls in volleyball can go out and run a lap in the 3pm heat, I can certainly walk to school. Time to grow up and face the truth. Excuses are like buttholes. Everyone's got one and they usually stink. I'm off to be an adult.