22 March 2015
I began this week with a plan. A pretty decent plan. Then I forgot the plan. Then I wasn't even close to the plan. Then I got comfortable. Then the week was over. I need to lose some fat, I just haven't been focused enough on it. But I think I've finally figured it out. I've been reading all week and I think people say to not count calories because that is how you build muscle. You can't lose fat and build muscle at the same time. You have to do one or the other and they are two very different processes. It's called bulking and cutting. When bulking you eat a lot and lift a lot to build muscles. When you are cutting you eat in a deficit to reduce your body fat. I get it. I finally really get it. So I need to cut. The thing is, you can't cut forever. You have to cut for a few weeks, then slowly add calories and bulk a little, then reduce your calories and cut again. I understand. All those bits and pieces I've read over all the years finally seem to be coalescing into some sort of sense. So I'm going to count calories and cut. I'm going to eat at 1500 calories for the next 3 weeks. Then I will up my calories to 1800 for one week. That will be one month. I will then assess how I feel. If I feel good, I will continue to do that. If I lose some weight, all the better. I just want to feel good. So that is the plan for the next month. More importantly, for the next week 1500 calories. Nothing is off limits, including sugar, if I have the room for it in my calories. Okay, I think I have a good idea on what I'm doing now.
Today will be spent getting ready for tomorrow. Laundry. Food prep. Shopping. etc. I'm sad but I'm okay with it too. At my last school, returning from a break involved a whole lot of anxiety. With the crazy bitch running the place, you had no idea what you were going to return to. It was a running joke among the staff, who got fired this time??? Thank god the place I'm at now is much more sane. It is run by normal people and returning from break does not cause my blood pressure to rise. I was talking to another ex-employee of the insane asylum and we agreed, when you leave there you suffer from a type of PTSD. Seriously. It took me a good 6 months to realize that the new place was normal and I didn't need to live in fear like before. Insane. Enough of that. Thinking about that place makes me incredibly thankful that I'm out, but also makes me wonder what the f*ck was wrong with me that I stayed 5 years. I was definitely the insane one there. In my defense, I tried every year to leave. I think working there taints you and no one else wants to hire you. What the head honcho doesn't realize is that everyone knows how insane she is. She is the only one who doesn't know. Anyway, moving on. Not sure how I got on that topic. I try to avoid thinking about that place because it was like a nightmare.
So break is over and it is back to school tomorrow. I'm kind of anxious to get back, the sooner we get back, the sooner we are done for the year. We have 9 weeks left. Those will fly by.
Today though will be chores, chores, chores. Getting ready to return to school. There were somethings over the break that I didn't get done. Oh Well. Life is like that sometimes.
I started this post because I felt like blogging, but then that rant in the first paragraph just took it out of me. I'm done now. I'm going to start things rolling so I'm not working until 8 pm tonight. Need to get to bed early so I can get up early....
20 March 2015
I have had a good week. After my mini-break down last weekend, the rest of the week went really well. I worked out like a fiend. I did some school work. I napped. I ate when I was hungry and didn't stress over food. I had lunch with friends. I had a good week. I'm glad I didn't waste the week being upset or getting crazy over stupid stuff. I just relaxed and enjoyed myself. I have some things that I didn't do and so I will spend the next 2 days getting those things done. But I'm still happy.
I've been eating normally. Not counting calories or stressing over carbs or fat or points or anything. I ate breakfast when I was hungry. I ate some lunch when I was hungry. And I ate dinner when I was hungry. I didn't stuff myself. I ate sweets but not a ton of them. And I felt good. I didn't feel fat all week. Could it be because there was no stress or could it be because I wasn't thinking so much about food that I just ate and ate and ate. Who knows. All I know is that I am feeling good, the weight is inching downward and I'm happy.
So I'll spend the weekend getting ready for next week. I finish up what I need to finish and I'll get things all ready for Monday morning. Then I'll start the new quarter and work towards the end of the year. Only 9 more weeks until school is over. Most importantly I will try to carry this good feeling with me. I will try to maintain this calmness and this new relation with food. I will try to eat when I'm hungry and not when the clock says I should. We'll see how it goes.
16 March 2015
I have read all kinds of articles on weight loss. Some say it's a matter of calories in vs calories out. Some say calories don't matter, it's what you eat. Some tell you not to count calories at all. I've done them all. I've counted calories, points, fat grams, carbs, blah, blah, blah. I've not counted anything and just ate certain foods. I've completely given up and eaten whatever the hell I've wanted. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.
Last night I did a little reflecting back on my life. The thing that worked really well for me was Weight Watchers. When I was solid into WW I lost weight and felt amazing. I can't say I've had both of those experiences on any other plan. I've lost weight on other plans but generally not felt amazing. I've felt amazing on other plans but generally haven't lost weight. WW is the only one that did both. And thinking about the whole calories in/calories out vs it's what you eat not how much, I think I might have found the sweet spot. It is how much you eat and it is what you eat. I could lose weight eating 1200 calories of junk food, but I probably would not feel very good. But if I ate 1200 calories of high quality food, I would lose weight and feel amazing. I'm not sure if I'm going to join WW again. The community and support were amazing and it may be just what I need. Hmmmm, I don't know. What I do know is that I am going to count calories. I figured last night that I need about 2700 calories to maintain my weight. So I'm thinking if I eat 1500 and workout out, I should be able to drop a couple of pounds this week. One of the articles I read said that small changes may be too close to really see results. Errors in calculating BMR or counting calories could remove any differences. So I'm going big. That, plus I know 1500 calories is okay for me.
Hmmm, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Maybe I just need to see how it goes.
15 March 2015
I know that if I need to solve a problem, the best thing for me is to examine it from all sides and then walk away. Let it fester. I do this with problems. With assignments. With any issue that I need to find a solution to. Examine it. Look it over from every possible angle. Then walk away and just let it settle. My mind does something when I do that and I generally come up with a reasonable solution. Sometimes I don't, but most times I do.
After writing last night's post, I walked away and stopped thinking about it. When I woke this morning, I had an idea and a motivation. Hey, it works for me.
I had been viewing these different roads I have to travel as different. As if they were going in different directions and taking me to different destinations. They are not. They are all leading to the life I ultimately want to live. So here it is. I want to live on the mainland, where we own a house and an RV. I want to teach college and have summers/breaks off so we can travel in the RV. I want to visit the country, and the people I know who live all over it, with my dogs and Hubby. So see all roads lead to that destination.
In order to live this dream, I must complete my Ph.D. and get a job. That is one road.
I want to be healthy and in shape to get the most out of this dream. That is another road.
I want to do well at work so that I will get good references when needed, also because I always want to do my best. That is the last road.
But not really different roads at all. Just different parts of the journey. As with a real road trip, there are different parts to it. You need to know where you are going to stop for food, rest, or fun. You need to know how far you can get in a day, week, month, etc. There are different parts to every journey and this one is no different.
So it's a matter of switching my thinking. I will no longer view working out as taking away from time to write. I will view it as a part of the journey to writing. By working out I stimulate my thinking which generally leads to some good writing. It is all related and not different roads at all.
So with that all in mind, I now face the blank canvas of spring break. So rather than viewing these things as different roads I must travel, I will view them as one road with many stops.
The plan for this week:
- Get a draft of my prospectus in no later than Monday
- Have the discussions for my classes done no later than Tuesday
- Work on the assignments for both classes and get them finished by the end of the week.
- Crossfit every day.
- Walking the dogs every day.
- Strict paleo for the week
- Plan out the rest of the year for school.
Feeling much more positive and purposeful now that I have thought it through. Know where I want to be and have a good idea on how to get there. Now, some work before Crossfit.
14 March 2015
This saying has been around for years and years. It is never more true then when referring to weight loss. Losing weight is an ongoing event and not something you do and then stop. Even once you reach your goal, you have to keep working to maintain it. I read a blog recently where they referred to it as keeping your eye on the road.
This makes a whole lot of sense because if you are on a journey, you need to keep your eyes on the road in order to make sure you keep going in the right direction. Especially with weight loss, it is so easy to hit a detour or even get lost completely.
My problem is, how do I keep my eyes on all the roads I am on?
I want to be strong and healthy, which means working out and eating right. I need to keep my eyes on this road because the detour of laziness and junk food is never far away.
I want to complete my classes and do well in them. I have to keep my eyes on this road because it is too easy to make no progress for days at a time and then suddenly have to many, many miles to make up in one day.
I want to be a good teacher in all my classes. I have to keep my eyes on this road because it changes every day. I never know exactly where this road is going when I get up in the morning, so keeping an eye on it is an absolute must.
These are my primary roads right now. How do I keep my eye on all of them at the same time? Do I segregate my day and watch different roads at different times? Do I try to watch them all at the same time? How do I do this?
I sometimes feel that I don't have the skills that others have. I feel like somewhere along the line I missed learning some things that other people became experts at. Maybe it's just that I over think things too much. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to keep my eyes on the road and focused on the things I really want out of life.
07 March 2015
I should preface this entire post by saying it is one week until spring break, that may explain some of the frame of mind behind this week. Monday and Tuesday were perfectly normal. I went to school and all was good. Wednesday I woke up late, really late and just said screw it and stayed home. That lead to a lot of school work getting done and a trip to the new Target. At the new Target I got a Shark steam cleaner - I've wanted one forever. Stopped at Burger King on the way home. Had lunch then proceeded to vacuum and steam clean the living room and kitchen. Didn't walk the dogs because it was raining and didn't go to Crossfit for no apparent reason. I also ran to the doc's to get a TB test for Kamehameha. Woke up Thursday with every intention of going to work, only to discover that I had some serious intestinal distress. Serious!!! Curses Burger King!!!! So I ended up staying home Thursday too and good thing as I could not get far from the bathroom all day. As you can imagine, I did not walk the dogs or go to Crossfit on Thursday either. Yesterday dawned completely normal and I headed out to work with a stop at Starbucks. When I got to work my ancient laptop would not work. It booted up but it was taking forever to move between pages and to print anything. Ugh!!! It was seriously frustrating. I turned the computer on around 7:30 am and by 8:00 it was still not working right. I had to take homeroom attendance on my phone. That was it. That computer is old and barely works, so I decided I had enough. I went online and looked at Target and found a decent one for $199. Then I looked at Amazon and found a much better one for the same price. So I ordered it and it will be here Monday. The rest of the day went fairly normally and then it was done. On the way home I had to swing by the doc's to get my TB shot read and then, again for no apparent reason, I did not go to Crossfit. I actually didn't do much of anything last night. Made dinner, watched TV, played some computer games. That was it.
Last night was freezing cold, even now it's only 68F. I have to go to Crossfit and I just don't want to get dressed. I need to get moving though, I want to get this workout done and get back home. I plan on working on my prospectus today and getting it submitted today or tomorrow. I'm pleased with the energy and determination I finally have for it.
Okay, I'm going to get moving. Get dressed and head out to Crossfit. I can sit around later.
01 March 2015
Yesterday the Crossfit open started. Now the open and I have a bit of a history. In 2013 I was so excited for the open and I totally rocked those workouts. I got toes to bar and everything. 2014 rolls around and I'm super excited about them now. The problem was I was injured that year. I was a mess. I could hardly squat. I couldn't hold anything over my head for more than a second or two. I was a hot mess. I also didn't complete all the workouts. I felt like a loser. This year I approached with a bit of ambivalence. Having gone both ways, good and bad, I was unsure what this year would hold. The good part is that this year they are offering a scaled division. That made me hopeful. Yesterday was the first one. It was:
9 minute AMRAP
15 toes to bar
10 deadlifts 55#
5 Snatches 55#
Followed immediately by
6 minutes to find 1 RM clean and jerk
I am so close to the toes to bar and I was a little frustrated that I couldn't do them. But not that much. I ended up with 124 reps which works out to 4 full rounds plus 4. Not too shabby. Then it was on to the clean & jerk. I immediately did the 55# just in case I ran into any problems, at least I would have a score. Then I swapped out the light plates and put on the 25#, for a jump from 55# to 85#. Did it easy. Added 10#. No problem. Added 5#. No problem. Added 5# and started to feel a problem but I got it. With literally 1 minute left, I decided to try for more and threw on 5#. I got it. I probably could have gone higher if I had more time and wasn't so freaking tired, but I am pleased with what I did.
After my round, the girl who was scoring me and I were talking about the clean & jerk. She was expressing concern over the jerk. I said how that part is easy for me. If I can get it up, I can generally jerk it. She looked at me and said that's because you are built like a weightlifter. I didn't really catch that comment at the time. It was only later that it came back to me and literally stopped me in my tracks. I am built like a weight lifter. All my life I have wanted a thin, svelte body and that is never going to happen. I have muscles. I have huge traps, always have and I've always hated them. Now I love them because they make me strong. I've always hated my thunder thighs. Now I love them. I have a weightlifters body. What a revelation. That changes everything. How can I hate a body that does amazing things like lift 250# and clean & jerk 108# after doing a serious WOD. And then getting up and doing another WOD this morning. How can I hate a body like that? Yes, it is not thin and it never will be. It will never be a size 10 or maybe even a size 12 again. But I think I'm finally really and truly okay with that. I will continue to eat healthy and I will continue to do Crossfit and with any luck I'll lose a little weight but hopefully I'll gain more muscle.
It is amazing how one stray comment can change everything.