24 September 2022

It's been a minute

 Life moves fast and the days fly by. 

So it's been two weeks since C went to the doctor and he has drastically reduced his drinking, like drastically. He had a beer on Tuesday and didn't have another one until lunch yesterday. I cannot tell you how nice it has been not having to deal with him in a drunken state. He gets very angry when he's drunk and I just can't deal with it. So the past two weeks have been really nice. He went back to the doc for a check up yesterday and his blood pressure is normal - yay - though he has to stay on the medication for now. His weight was down 3 pounds and he was all excited. I didn't have the heart to tell him that was probably from the bloating that the alcohol causes. His blood sugar was a little elevated - in the pre-diabetic range- so he has to watch his sugar intake. We also need to get him moving more. I think that will happen as the weather cools down. He seems to be looking forward to getting back into bike riding so that's good. 

Now, on to me. This past week was exhausting at school. By 1pm I was yawning and ready to lay down and take a nap. Time to change that up. Part of that is due to my lack of exercise, I know that. And it's a self-fulfilling cycle: I get tired, come home and I'm too tired to work out, get more tired the next day. By the time I reach the end of the week I'm ready to drop when I get home. I don't like. So something has to change. As I was walking Mavy yesterday I kind of talked it out with him and came to some conclusions. First, going to the gym during the week is just out of the question. I already get up super early, I'm not going to get up even earlier to go to the gym. After work, forget it, the afternoons are crazy at the gym and I will not do that. So the gym is out during the school week. But I want to get back into a weight routine because I know that lifting heavy things are super important for older women. I do have some weights here but they are not very heavy. So I thought, why not buy more plates? Then I could work out at home during the week. Also, I still have Supernatural and a couple of other workouts on my Oculus, why don't I do those in the afternoons? So I really have no excuse. I just need to do it. So today I'm going to sit down and make out a calendar for my workouts. What I'm doing when. I know that Wednesdays are usually my latest days  because of Science Club, so that will be a rest day. Then, I can easily do my lower body workout at home, that is mostly body weight stuff and I can do that easy. Plus, I'm starting back at ground zero for workouts so I'll only be doing weights 2 days a week for the next 4 weeks. Easy. Do the leg workouts on the days I'm working out at home and do the upper body at the gym. Boom. Done. That's even easier than I thought yesterday during the dog walk. I will also do Supernatural or Les Mills or something on the other days. I need to get some HIIT work in. I should see if the Oculus has a HIIT workout. Just checked and I have almost every workout they have so I'm just going to have to deal with what I have. But I'm going to do this a few days a week and really start getting my ass in shape. I'm tired of being so tired during the work week and as counter intuitive as it sounds, more activity will actually increase my energy. I see that I'm not sleeping as good on work nights as I do on the weekend. I think more activity will fix that too. So activity it is. Right now, I have to go walk Mavy as he's bugging me like crazy. 


10 September 2022

Equanimity

 A couple of years ago I discovered the concept of equanimity. Equanimity is defined as mental calmness, composure, and even temperedness through difficult situations. That is something that I strive for. I really, really do. It's a constant work in progress, but something that I have been working on since I discovered it. I'm fairly successful at maintaining my equanimity in most situations. I can usually blow off getting upset over something by telling myself this is out of my control. I am therefore able to step back from a situation and watch it unfold without really getting involved in it. I thought I was doing really good at this. Until 2 weeks ago. 

2 weeks ago I lost it in class. I mean I lost it. Big time. I have not lost it like that in class in a very, very long time. And I didn't realize how shaken my equanimity had been until days, I mean daaaays, later. Seriously, this thing happened. I let these emotions just take control of me and kick me around. But it took days and days to realize what had happened. That tells me that I need to work more on my equanimity. I have taken for granted that I was working on this and yet that quickly it slipped away from me. This awoke me to the fact that I was slipping slowly back into old habits. I can't let that happen. I need to keep moving forward not backwards. So, time to step it up again. 

I need to start focusing, again, on what is going on inside my head. I thought I had a decent handle on it, but it looks like I didn't. So it's back to serious meditation - some of those I've been phoning in lately. Not letting outside things influence me. Remembering, at all times, that I am in control of my emotions. No one can make me feel or think anything. That is all under my control. I think I'm going to make a sticker that says equanimity and stick it in a few places, namely at school. I have to remember to maintain my equanimity at all times. 

On a different matter, C went to the doctor yesterday and was given some harsh news. His blood pressure is through the roof and he needs to start taking pills for it. They also did some blood work and I'm sure there will be other things that show up. I have tried to tell him that sitting around drinking mixed drinks all night is not good but all he does is get angry with me when I do. So I have taken to not even mentioning it and when he gets drunk and becomes stupid, I just leave. See, maintaining my equanimity. Last night he didn't drink at all. He was his normal, happy self. He says that he slept good and felt great when he woke up this morning. Hopefully that will show him that all that drinking is definitely not good for him. I can hope. 

That's it for now. I have a post for my other blog and I want to get that done. 

04 September 2022

Not your normal post

 I think I may have reached my limit with my husband. I think we might be nearing the end. In order to completely understand, we need to go back. 

I'm not typing the word husband all the time, so I'm going to call him C from now on. C has always drank (I don't know the proper tense of that verb, weird). Our very first date was hanging on the beach and drinking beer. Since then alcohol has always been a part of our lives. And it's been relatively fine up until the past few years. C's choice of alcoholic beverage has almost always been beer with some hard drinks now and again on special occasions. Then, in January 2021, he was hospitalized with Covid. He was in intensive care for 7 days. It was very, very scary. He was literally hours away from being put on a ventilator. He came out of the hospital after 7 days and was home for another 4-5 weeks while he completely recovered and regained his strength. It was a very scary, scary time and it seemed like it had changed him. He was talking about starting to go to the gym, taking better care of himself, etc. I was all in and ready to help in any way that I could. Then, and I don't know when this happened or exactly how it happened, but he started drinking hard drinks. Initially it was one or two and I don't think it was every night, just once in a while. But gradually it increased and increased over time until now. Almost every night he drinks a couple, 3-4, hard drinks before dinner. This usually makes him partially drunk. When he is drunk, he is not a nice person. He can't speak to me normally. He treats me like shit. Everything is fuck this, fuck that, this person is stupid, that person is stupid. I hate it. When he gets like that I have to hold my tongue and basically just withdraw from him completely. I can't talk to him because there is no logic in his brain at that point. Also, he never remembers the next day what happened so why bother. I've talked to him about it before and things would get better for a little while, but they will inevitably deteriorate into something like last night. Last night he could not understand why the spa was at 98F and he kept wanting me to turn it down. It was turned down to 90F, it was just getting hot from the outside temperature. But he could not understand that. He wanted to turn the spa down so it would get cooler. He could not understand that is not how spas work. So then he decided that we should leave the cover open so the heat will  escape. I didn't argue with him but when we got out of the tub, I closed the top and he never remembered about leaving it open. He kept insisting that a particular control adjusted the nozzle he was using when it doesn't. We went through the controls the night before and he completely forgot. He forgets a lot of things. A. Lot. Of. Things. But will then deny or have an excuse why he forgot. He refuses to accept that the alcohol is making him a different person. 

I honestly think I have reached the end of my patience with him. I can't live this way anymore. I'm either holding my tongue or figuring out how to say something so he doesn't get pissed off. And bottom line is that I'm not really happy here. In general I am very happy with my life. I love where I work. I love where I live. I love my house and my yard. I love almost all aspects of my life. And I think that is why I am able to realize that this one piece makes me unhappy. And I don't want to be unhappy. I am reaching the point in my life where my happiness is almost more important than anything else. This is my time to really enjoy my life. But at the same time, I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to give up this house, I love it too much. Also, I don't know that we would be able to afford to live separately at this point, rentals are so high. So what do I do? We could exist basically as roommates. Seriously. I could move into the spare room and I have my office over here so I could basically live in this part of the house and he could have the master. We could share the kitchen. But how do we pull apart the finances? All our money gets deposited into one account. Maybe I pay the bills out of that and give him, and me, an allowance to live on? I don't know. That would take some work. We've been so tied together for so long, I'm not sure how we would go about splitting things up. I'm not sure that's even what I want to do, but I know that I can't go on living like this. But at the same time, I'm not going to ask him to change, he's a grown ass man and can do what the h*ll he wants to. This really is a me problem and not a he problem. I need to be sure that I know how I want to move forward though. I'm not going to ask him to fix it, I need to know how I want to live. I need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. 

We are having some people over today so the conversation will not happen today. And I think that's a good thing. I need some time to work things out in my head. I will just take some time and try to figure things out before talking to him. 

02 September 2022

The knee again! Really?????

 So yesterday the knee started acting up again. It actually feels like my IT band but I've learned not to assume anything. Walked Mavy this morning and it was feeling a little achy. I'm so done. So completely and totally over this whole f*cking knee thing. I'm OVER IT!!!!!  I have made an appointment for the chiropractor this morning, we'll see if that helps any. Last time I went to him it actually made it worse, so I'm a little hesitant but I need to do something. 

On that note. My last post was about not beating myself up for not having the time to fit workouts in, but I also need to be realistic when I'm using being busy/tired as an excuse. Which I think is what I have been doing. I need to look for opportunities to get a workout in. Yes, my workdays are busy, but there are days this past week where I could have gotten a workout in, I just chose not to for some reason. That's not true, I know the reason. I didn't feel like it!! That is not a good or valid or even acceptable reason at all. I'm starting to fall back into old patterns and I need to not do that. 

So my goal this week is to look for opportunities. Look for places where I can squeeze in a workout. Look for times when I can do some quick squats or leg lifts or something to move my body. I cannot go on this way. I don't like being in almost constant pain. I don't like feeling tired or lazy or whatever the f*ck it is I feel. I'm just plain tired of it. So time to switch things up. 

So this week is all about finding opportunities!!! And I'm starting with a visit to the gym. 

27 August 2022

Not beating myself up

 In the interest of not beating myself up, I have come to the realization that at this point in time, I have to limit my workouts. The four days I work are just too busy to try and fit something in and I refuse to beat myself up about it any more. I always have working out at the top of my mind and if I can do it, I do it. But if I can't because of work, I'm okay with that. I will do the best I can and just keep moving forward. I'm human. Sh*t happens. I will continue to do the best that I can. 

I'm trying to dissect my decision to not go hiking. I was supposed to go to Phon D. Sutton this morning and go hiking with a group. I was on the fence about it all week for a couple of reasons. One, it's supposed to be freaking hot today (hotter than it's been in a while) and we weren't starting until 7am. That means we would be out hiking until 9 or so. It's going to be blazing by then. So that was making me waffle. Then last night I looked it up and it's an hour and a half away. Yikes!!! For some reason I thought it was a whole lot closer. That means I'd be on the road for 3 hours. I'd have to leave here by 5:30am and if we didn't get done till say 10am, I wouldn't get home until almost noon. Um, yeah, no. Not that I don't want to do that hike, I do. But I think I will wait a little bit longer and do it when it's not so hot. Then I don't have to get there so early and it will be a lot cooler and we can spend the day there. So I'm pretty sure I didn't back out because it was 'uncomfortable' but for legitimate reasons. 

So that means I have a free morning. I'm going to use it to go to the gym and get a workout in. If I had gone hiking, I would not have made the gym. I didn't make the gym yesterday because I had to go to the business Costco. That would have left tomorrow as my only gym day this week. So I think my reasoning is sound and I'm still doing something. 

Okay, I'm off to go workout. 

20 August 2022

Changing the mindset

 Last week I dissected my schedule to try and find time to fit exercise in during the day. The fact of the matter is that mornings are out. I have tried and tried to squeeze a little bit of exercise into my mornings and it just doesn't work. I like my mornings to be calm and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole just makes it too stressful. So I had to shift my mindset and just accept the fact that I cannot exercise in the mornings during the workweek. Okay, once I accepted that life got much calmer for me. So I can workout on the weekends, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So that's what I'm going to do. I went to the gym yesterday and am going again here in a few minutes. I will go again tomorrow. I can only do what I can do and I have accepted that. I do want to do Supernatural in the afternoons before dinner. I didn't do that this week for a variety of reasons that may or may not stick. I've been trying to be very focused and purposeful in my work so that I get things done and they are not weighing on my mind. On both Monday and Tuesday, I came home and worked on Johns Hopkins for few hours. On Wednesday I jumped into the pool and had no reason not to do Supernatural except that I was tired (that is not a good excuse at all). Thursday was the same thing, no good reason just didn't do it. So I'm going to break that habit this week. I will do Supernatural at least 3 days this week (that means work days). I will also do it 3 days on the weekend, for a total of 6 days. That's just the way it has to be. I can only fit so much in my day and I just have to make that work. 

Now, an update on the saga of the knee/calf. So the knee/calf has been good for the past week or so but I had this little pain in my knee that was annoying and making it hard to walk/bend my knee. I have had that pain before and just thought it was something that my knee did occasionally. Hubby needed to take his insoles in for a check up and I decided to get mine checked also. Well, turns out that my feet have changed due to wearing these insoles and that is what was causing the pain in my knee/calf/back. I will admit that I felt so stupid for never thinking that the insoles were the cause of all that I was going through. For almost a year, I've been battling my knee/back/calf and never once did it occur to me that it could be the insoles. Part of the reason was that I had gotten my insoles checked just before this all started so I didn't think it could be the problem. It was. Hubby's feet had also changed and he needed new insoles too so that was his problem also. We went there on Sunday and I've been wearing my new insoles all week and I've been completely pain free. Completely. Pain. Free. Unbelievable. So, me feeling so good has led to me being much more aware of what I'm eating and when. Also more aware of my movement and activity levels. It's amazing how pain, even little pain, can drag you down and make you so miserable. Life is good again.  After going to the Good Feet Store, I bought new hiking boots and plan to start hiking as soon as the weather cooperates. I was going to go this weekend, but we were supposed to have a big storm so I decided not to go. Looks like I could have gone. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Anyway, I need to get to the gym before it gets too much later. 

13 August 2022

What is important to me

 I need to figure out exactly what is important to me and what I really want. I know I've done this before, recently, but we are now back to school and the entire schedule has changed. It was easy to stamp my foot and say that is it when I am on break and have all the freaking time in the world. Now that I am back to school, it is time to rethink it all. 

I need to dissect my schedule/routine and see what I'm working with:

4:15 am                 Wake up, bathroom, brush teeth

4:20 am                 Empty dishwasher, make coffee

4:30 am                Wake Hubby, meditate

4:40 am                Bathroom break

4:50 am                Shower, dress for walking

5:05 am                Walk Mavy

5:30 am                 Get dressed, pack lunch, make more coffee, etc.

6:00 am                 Leave house

This puts me at school at around 6:30 am. My contract states that I need to be there by 7 am. So I theoretically have an addition 30 minutes in the morning. What if I set up a quick routine to do for say 15 minutes every morning? I dress to walk Mavy, I could use those clothes to do a quick workout. 

Let's look at the evenings: 

5:00 pm                  Get home

5:15 - 5:30pm         Hang out in pool

5:30 - 6:00 pm        Lay on couch and color or maybe do some Johns Hopkins

6:15 pm                   Eat dinner

6:30 - 7:15 pm        Lay on couch and color

7:15 - 8:00 pm         Clean up kitchen, prep for tomorrow, get ready for bed

So I easily have an hour in the evenings to do something. I don't need to lay on the couch and color over and over and over. Yes, it feels good to lay down and relax. It also feels good to shut my brain off and just do something mindless. But is that really necessary? No!!!

Okay, I'm going to put together a short routine to do in the morning. And I'm going to get back into Supernatural in the evenings. I'm going to shoot for 20 minutes of Supernatural every day. 

Okay, we have friends coming over, so tomorrow I will put together a plan for the week. I just have to make it a habit. Once I work it into my routine I will be fine. But I may have to force it for a little while. 

It's been a minute

 Life moves fast and the days fly by.  So it's been two weeks since C went to the doctor and he has drastically reduced his drinking, li...