In the blink of an eye. To rehash this week:
- Hubby had been doing good, slowly getting better
- Then on Wednesday he seemed to suddenly get worse. So bad that I was afraid that the pneumonia was coming back and I was scared.
- Thursday dawned, and as I'm getting ready for work, Hubby comes walking out all bright and cheerful and looking 1,000 times better than he did yesterday. Whew!!!
- Since Thursday he has made progress in leaps and bounds. He hasn't used his oxygen at all in 2 days. Yesterday he did a lot of things - slowly, but he did them.
- I don't like to ask for help. I say to myself, and people that offer help, I can do it myself, I'm good, things are okay. When they really and truly aren't. These last couple of weeks I would have loved to just sit down and talk with someone. Just talk. But I didn't ask for help and told everyone I was fine and so I didn't get to do that. I realized yesterday that I do that because I don't want to impose on anyone. I don't feel like I can ask for help. I don't want people to tell me no. That comes down to self-worth and I need to fix that.
- I set these high expectations for myself in unusual circumstances and then get stressed when I can't keep up. For example, all this time while Hubby has been sick, I've been trying to keep the house up the way it normally is. That is ridiculous since I had to do a lot of stuff for him and do the chores he normally does that needed to be done, like garbage and dog poop. Then I would get to feel resentful which would make me feel like a horrible person. This created a cycle of basically self abuse. I need to work on letting things go when I can. When things get crazy, normality generally goes out the window. I think that by trying to maintain some sense of normality I was trying to shield myself from the how bad I thought things were.