16 April 2015
It's been a while. After Easter weekend we had a huge blow up with the neighbors. They ended up calling the cops because a friend had a tire on the common driveway. It was so stupid and they've been acting like as*holes lately. Unreal. After that, the wheels really came off the bus. My stress levels were through the roof. My stomach was a churning mess for days. My workouts became non-existent and all I could think about was those as*holes and what they might do next. I took off on Monday to try and get a restraining order but it was denied. We ordered camera surveillance equipment for the house, that gets here tomorrow. Then I came up with the idea of mediation, but now I'm not sure I'm going to follow through on that. Ugh....So I spent most of the last week and a half completely stressing out and letting my life just go to sh*t. I got nothing done all week, no schoolwork, little grading, no planning, my desk was an absolute mess, piled high with mail. It was horrible.
But that all ended tonight. I came home exhausted, like I have been every night. I took a nap on the couch and while I was sleeping something changed. It did. I woke up determined to take control of my life back and not let those as*holes win. So I came in and went through all the mail on my desk. I dusted off my calendar and started entering things in it again. I have made to-do lists and checklists. I have a plan for the weekend and I'm feeling like I'm back in control of things. I have a lot to catch up on, but with a little diligence I can do this and I will do this.
What this whole nonsense has done is put a firm timeline on our exit strategy. 18-24 months and we are gone. We have a good, solid plan and now it's just a matter of making it happen. The primary factor is my Ph.D. I have got to get that finished so we move that to the top of the list. So work on that will now become a priority. I need to keep focused on that.
Over these last 2 weeks too my workouts have been non-existent and my eating has been awful. Time to get back on track again. I'm going to start hoping on the treadmill in the mornings and tracking all my food. Time to get my sh*t together and lose this freaking weight. I can do anything I put my mind to and this is what I choose to put my mind to. I'm going to start running again. It will not be fast and it will not be far, but I am going to run. I figure it will help me lose weight and once I lose some weight the knee will get better.
Okay, now that I have my life firmly back in my hands, I'm getting tired. It's not even 9 pm yet and I'm ready for bed. That's not a bad thing. Time to take control again.
03 April 2015
One of the good things about working for a catholic school? Good Friday and Easter Monday holidays :)
So today is Good Friday and I have the day off. And I also have Monday off. This totally rocks.
I have lots of work to do over these 4 days. I have unfortunately been putting off my schoolwork knowing that a 4 day weekend was looming large in my future. So I did not do anything during the week. Bad habits that need to be broken. So there is a lot of work to do the next 4 days. But that's okay, I have a plan and it will all work out.
Tonight is the Benchmark Bash at Crossfit. I am going to max out my backsquat - shooting for 200# - and then take on some horrendous workout. I have never been to one before and it should be fun. When they started having them I was so injured, I just did not feel like maxing out anything. But I'm feeling better now and I think I can do it. It's worth a try.
That's really all I have to say. Things have been just chugging along, not perfect but not horrible either, and that's about all I'm hoping for right now. I'm going to go shower, eat breakfast, and get started on my work. I have goals today and a to-do list to keep me focused.
28 March 2015
This is true after any break. Monday is usually okay, then Tuesday comes and it all falls apart. Luckily I survived and made it to the weekend. The week didn't go exactly as planned, but it was okay.
Last Sunday, a coach at Crossfit showed me a new stretch for my back. Well, it ended up throwing my back out completely and putting me out for the whole week. I could not use my left leg for anything except walking on flat ground. I had a hard time sitting on the toilet. Yesterday was the first day back and it is fine now. But that threw a wrench in things for the week. I didn't go to Crossfit or walk the dogs much. But I'm better now and that is all that matters.
Today was the last WOD of the open. 15.5 was ugly....
Rowing for calories is no joke. It is harder than you think. RX for me was 45# on the thrusters. I did better than I thought I would, 17:41. Nice.
Eating has been pretty darn good. I took my breakfast, lunch, and a snack every day. I did have some snacks when I got home, I'm hooked on popcorn, but that's about it. No crazy binges or excessive eating. So that is definitely a good week.
The one thing that happened that bums me out is that I lost track of my assignments for Walden. I thought I was being so organized and on top of things, only to find out I had overlooked something. That really upset and has caused me to sit here all day working on assignments. I have some assignments for tomorrow too. I am determined that this will not happen again. I will be writing everything in my calendar and double checking it. Also, back to every night one hour. I let that slip a little bit this week and I have paid the price.
So, gearing up for another good week. All I can do is strive to be a little bit better each week.
22 March 2015
I began this week with a plan. A pretty decent plan. Then I forgot the plan. Then I wasn't even close to the plan. Then I got comfortable. Then the week was over. I need to lose some fat, I just haven't been focused enough on it. But I think I've finally figured it out. I've been reading all week and I think people say to not count calories because that is how you build muscle. You can't lose fat and build muscle at the same time. You have to do one or the other and they are two very different processes. It's called bulking and cutting. When bulking you eat a lot and lift a lot to build muscles. When you are cutting you eat in a deficit to reduce your body fat. I get it. I finally really get it. So I need to cut. The thing is, you can't cut forever. You have to cut for a few weeks, then slowly add calories and bulk a little, then reduce your calories and cut again. I understand. All those bits and pieces I've read over all the years finally seem to be coalescing into some sort of sense. So I'm going to count calories and cut. I'm going to eat at 1500 calories for the next 3 weeks. Then I will up my calories to 1800 for one week. That will be one month. I will then assess how I feel. If I feel good, I will continue to do that. If I lose some weight, all the better. I just want to feel good. So that is the plan for the next month. More importantly, for the next week 1500 calories. Nothing is off limits, including sugar, if I have the room for it in my calories. Okay, I think I have a good idea on what I'm doing now.
Today will be spent getting ready for tomorrow. Laundry. Food prep. Shopping. etc. I'm sad but I'm okay with it too. At my last school, returning from a break involved a whole lot of anxiety. With the crazy bitch running the place, you had no idea what you were going to return to. It was a running joke among the staff, who got fired this time??? Thank god the place I'm at now is much more sane. It is run by normal people and returning from break does not cause my blood pressure to rise. I was talking to another ex-employee of the insane asylum and we agreed, when you leave there you suffer from a type of PTSD. Seriously. It took me a good 6 months to realize that the new place was normal and I didn't need to live in fear like before. Insane. Enough of that. Thinking about that place makes me incredibly thankful that I'm out, but also makes me wonder what the f*ck was wrong with me that I stayed 5 years. I was definitely the insane one there. In my defense, I tried every year to leave. I think working there taints you and no one else wants to hire you. What the head honcho doesn't realize is that everyone knows how insane she is. She is the only one who doesn't know. Anyway, moving on. Not sure how I got on that topic. I try to avoid thinking about that place because it was like a nightmare.
So break is over and it is back to school tomorrow. I'm kind of anxious to get back, the sooner we get back, the sooner we are done for the year. We have 9 weeks left. Those will fly by.
Today though will be chores, chores, chores. Getting ready to return to school. There were somethings over the break that I didn't get done. Oh Well. Life is like that sometimes.
I started this post because I felt like blogging, but then that rant in the first paragraph just took it out of me. I'm done now. I'm going to start things rolling so I'm not working until 8 pm tonight. Need to get to bed early so I can get up early....
20 March 2015
I have had a good week. After my mini-break down last weekend, the rest of the week went really well. I worked out like a fiend. I did some school work. I napped. I ate when I was hungry and didn't stress over food. I had lunch with friends. I had a good week. I'm glad I didn't waste the week being upset or getting crazy over stupid stuff. I just relaxed and enjoyed myself. I have some things that I didn't do and so I will spend the next 2 days getting those things done. But I'm still happy.
I've been eating normally. Not counting calories or stressing over carbs or fat or points or anything. I ate breakfast when I was hungry. I ate some lunch when I was hungry. And I ate dinner when I was hungry. I didn't stuff myself. I ate sweets but not a ton of them. And I felt good. I didn't feel fat all week. Could it be because there was no stress or could it be because I wasn't thinking so much about food that I just ate and ate and ate. Who knows. All I know is that I am feeling good, the weight is inching downward and I'm happy.
So I'll spend the weekend getting ready for next week. I finish up what I need to finish and I'll get things all ready for Monday morning. Then I'll start the new quarter and work towards the end of the year. Only 9 more weeks until school is over. Most importantly I will try to carry this good feeling with me. I will try to maintain this calmness and this new relation with food. I will try to eat when I'm hungry and not when the clock says I should. We'll see how it goes.
16 March 2015
I have read all kinds of articles on weight loss. Some say it's a matter of calories in vs calories out. Some say calories don't matter, it's what you eat. Some tell you not to count calories at all. I've done them all. I've counted calories, points, fat grams, carbs, blah, blah, blah. I've not counted anything and just ate certain foods. I've completely given up and eaten whatever the hell I've wanted. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.
Last night I did a little reflecting back on my life. The thing that worked really well for me was Weight Watchers. When I was solid into WW I lost weight and felt amazing. I can't say I've had both of those experiences on any other plan. I've lost weight on other plans but generally not felt amazing. I've felt amazing on other plans but generally haven't lost weight. WW is the only one that did both. And thinking about the whole calories in/calories out vs it's what you eat not how much, I think I might have found the sweet spot. It is how much you eat and it is what you eat. I could lose weight eating 1200 calories of junk food, but I probably would not feel very good. But if I ate 1200 calories of high quality food, I would lose weight and feel amazing. I'm not sure if I'm going to join WW again. The community and support were amazing and it may be just what I need. Hmmmm, I don't know. What I do know is that I am going to count calories. I figured last night that I need about 2700 calories to maintain my weight. So I'm thinking if I eat 1500 and workout out, I should be able to drop a couple of pounds this week. One of the articles I read said that small changes may be too close to really see results. Errors in calculating BMR or counting calories could remove any differences. So I'm going big. That, plus I know 1500 calories is okay for me.
Hmmm, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Maybe I just need to see how it goes.
15 March 2015
I know that if I need to solve a problem, the best thing for me is to examine it from all sides and then walk away. Let it fester. I do this with problems. With assignments. With any issue that I need to find a solution to. Examine it. Look it over from every possible angle. Then walk away and just let it settle. My mind does something when I do that and I generally come up with a reasonable solution. Sometimes I don't, but most times I do.
After writing last night's post, I walked away and stopped thinking about it. When I woke this morning, I had an idea and a motivation. Hey, it works for me.
I had been viewing these different roads I have to travel as different. As if they were going in different directions and taking me to different destinations. They are not. They are all leading to the life I ultimately want to live. So here it is. I want to live on the mainland, where we own a house and an RV. I want to teach college and have summers/breaks off so we can travel in the RV. I want to visit the country, and the people I know who live all over it, with my dogs and Hubby. So see all roads lead to that destination.
In order to live this dream, I must complete my Ph.D. and get a job. That is one road.
I want to be healthy and in shape to get the most out of this dream. That is another road.
I want to do well at work so that I will get good references when needed, also because I always want to do my best. That is the last road.
But not really different roads at all. Just different parts of the journey. As with a real road trip, there are different parts to it. You need to know where you are going to stop for food, rest, or fun. You need to know how far you can get in a day, week, month, etc. There are different parts to every journey and this one is no different.
So it's a matter of switching my thinking. I will no longer view working out as taking away from time to write. I will view it as a part of the journey to writing. By working out I stimulate my thinking which generally leads to some good writing. It is all related and not different roads at all.
So with that all in mind, I now face the blank canvas of spring break. So rather than viewing these things as different roads I must travel, I will view them as one road with many stops.
The plan for this week:
- Get a draft of my prospectus in no later than Monday
- Have the discussions for my classes done no later than Tuesday
- Work on the assignments for both classes and get them finished by the end of the week.
- Crossfit every day.
- Walking the dogs every day.
- Strict paleo for the week
- Plan out the rest of the year for school.
Feeling much more positive and purposeful now that I have thought it through. Know where I want to be and have a good idea on how to get there. Now, some work before Crossfit.