26 October 2014


One of the reasons that my computer desk was such a disaster is that I had some mail on it that I did not want to face. Rather then open them and face the music, I've been throwing them on the pile and avoiding it. That was my goal today, to face that. I went through all the mail piled on the desk. I opened every piece and filed it away. That led to a major clean out of my file cabinet and a reorganization of my files. What did I find in those letters that I was avoiding? Nothing earth shattering. Nothing that should have caused all that stress and worry for so long. I can be such an idiot. Not only is my desk clean, but my entire room has been cleaned and organized. Wow! It is amazing how paralyzing fear can be. I was so afraid of those letters that I was frozen and couldn't do anything. Amazing. Now I feel so free and light. Seriously. I feel like I've lost 10 lbs. I know that was why I felt so fat. Stress.... I cannot begin to tell you how great I feel. I am now off to clean the rest of my house.

Relieving Stress

After Friday's live melt-down, I stepped up and took control. I prioritized the things that I needed to get done and I just started doing them. I needed quizzes for every class on Friday so I wrote, printed, and copied them all at one time. Boom, done!!! I needed permissions for the video I want to film, so I walked out and talked to my principal and then emailed the president. Boom, done! While the students were taking the quizzes I graded and entered them in the grade book so I don't fall even further behind in my grading. Boom, done! When I came home from school on Friday, I immediately started working on the wrist wraps. Got them done and delivered to the box just in case. Boom, done! On Saturday, I reviewed the article I needed to summarize and made a few notes while I was proctoring. Came home yesterday and wrote 2 pages. Submitted it last night. Boom, done!! Ended up going to the paint party just for a chance to relax. Honestly though, I couldn't really relax and didn't have that great a time. I made a painting that isn't very good just because I couldn't relax and be creative. Oh well, at least I got out for a couple of hours and my mind wasn't focused on what I should be doing. I did come home and clean up the kitchen which had been a complete mess, so that was good. Today on my agenda is cleaning house, planning out the video, and reading/annotating some articles. I'm supposed to go to Crossfit this morning but quite honestly I don't think I feel like it. I think I would rather stay here and get things done so my mind is clear. I have a ton of laundry to do and this desk is still a freaking disaster. I don't have to go to Crossfit until 10am so I'll see what happens. What I do know is that I feel so much better and not so stressed out I can't think.

So now the question is, how to avoid this in the future? I think I need to change a couple of things. First, don't be such a procrastinator. Instead of putting things off, either sit down and do them or set a time to do them. If I have a plan, I generally stick to it. Which leads to the second thing, have a plan for the day/hour/week/whatever. Whatever time period I have, have a plan. Even if that plan is to take a nap, have a freaking plan. Third, do not put on relaxing clothes until it is time to relax. Many times I come home after school, go swimming, then put on my nightgown. After that I'm pretty much done. I think it is a psychological thing. Once my nightgown is on, mentally I am done for the day. Yesterday I wore shorts and a shirt to proctor. After that I went to Costco. When I came home I didn't change because I knew I was going out later. I did lay down and take a short nap, but once I woke up I was wide awake. Then I did some stuff and left for my thing. When I came home at 8pm, I stayed in my shorts and was pretty productive. That is when I cleaned the kitchen at 9pm. So I think I need to stay dressed. No nightgown until I'm ready to go to bed, or at least completely done for the night and plan on sitting on the couch watching TV. Fourth, and final, how about now has to become my motto. I am a procrastinator but I know I can overcome it if I stay on top of it. So HOW ABOUT NOW is what I say all the time. Unless it is truly something that can wait to later, or if it is on my plan for later. I also need to face some things. I have some things that I have been avoiding and that creates stress. I just need to face up to them and deal with it. How about now? Okay, I'll do that today.

So I feel better and my mind is not so clogged with stuff. Nice. Since Hubby is still sleeping, I'm going to start by facing some of that stuff I need to face.

24 October 2014

Losing Control

This is how I feel right now. This is how I felt when I was lying in my bed, wide awake at 2am. All I could think about was the quizzes I have to give today that I haven't written; the grading that I need to do; the summary of a research article that is due tomorrow; reading more articles for my prospectus; the blog post that was due on Wednesday; the video that I have given zero thought to and that I should be editing right now; the wrist wrap I need to make for tomorrow night; the proctoring I have to do tomorrow; and the party that I am supposed to go to tomorrow night. Oh, and the fact that I really wanted to go to Crossfit tonight. There are only 24 hours in a day and for the next couple of days, I could really use about 50. I could also use some energy. This is all on top of the fact that my computer room has become a complete and total disaster,scratch that - my entire house has become a total disaster, which makes doing any of these things difficult at best. I need to make a priority list and I need to follow it to get out of this mess. I'm not really in a mess, but it feels that way and that is pretty much the same thing.

Top priorities are the wrist wrap and the article summary. Those involve other people and therefore need to be done. I will do the wrist wrap tonight. That should only take 2 hours tops. Tomorrow while I am proctoring, I will review the article and begin working on the summary. I am not supposed to be doing anything but watching the students, but much of this can be done in my head while I stare at them. I have read most of the article, so I can just review it as I proctor. I can make notes about what I want to write and then I will be ready to write as soon as I get home. Next up will be the blog post. I may do some work on that tonight after the wrist wrap is done. I may do some work on that during school today. I am giving a quiz and watching movies. Then I have to figure out this video. I don't completely understand it, but then I haven't tried to, because it is due soon. I want to get it ready to film next week so that I can edit it on the weekend. Then Sunday will spend some time in the morning cleaning my house and getting a handle on things. The afternoon will be devoted to school work and finishing whatever I need to finish that I haven't so far. Whew. I feel a little better now that I have a plan.

This has got to stop though. I feel like every aspect of my life is completely out of my control and I do not like that. I am a control freak. At least I have a plan for the next couple of days. I will need to work on a plan to get my life under control.

22 October 2014


My plan is completely unsustainable and I need to revisit it. I awoke Monday and headed out to Crossfit. The first thing that should be noted is that I am not near as strong in the morning as I am in the afternoon. I have deadlifted 255#, but on Monday morning 175# was killing me. Also, I just can not push myself as hard in the mornings, at least at 5am. After Crossfit, I spent the day in agony. My feet and legs were killing me. Walking was such an effort it wasn't worth it. I came home on Monday and fell asleep on the couch for almost 2 hours. I had planned on walking the dogs, but since I could hardly walk, that just wasn't an option. I went to bed at 9pm and slept like a baby. The next morning, Tuesday, I got up at 5am and did my normal morning stuff, though I was still kind of tired. I couldn't decide what I wanted for lunch, so all I brought was cheese and salami. That was not enough. All day my feet hurt a bit, not near as bad as Monday, but still they were an issue. Also, I was sore. And I mean sore. I got home last night and did not feel like walking the dogs because of how sore I was. So I didn't. This morning I was supposed to go to Crossfit, but I decided last night that was not going to happen. I slept until 5:10am and woke up feeling pretty good. I got my breakfast ready and got ready for school and am now at school and still feeling pretty darn awesome. These three mornings have led me to a realization or dawning if you will. I cannot do it all. At least not at this point in time. I cannot get up at 4am for Crossfit, teach all day, and then walk the dogs at night. Since when I do that, everything suffers, I believe that is the thing I have to drop - at least for now. Because of the 5am Crossfit on Monday, I did absolutely nothing yesterday, and run the real risk of doing nothing for the rest of the week. Anything that has that much of an adverse effect on my life needs to stop. At least for now. So here's what I'm thinking. Give up on the 5am Crossfit for now. Focus on the weekend Crossfit and on my days off. Walk the dogs every night that I can. According to one leading weight loss expert, walking should be the main focus if you are trying to lose weight anyway. Okay, I can do that. So during the week I will focus on walking the dogs at night. This will allow me to function better at work, I am horrible when I'm in pain, and not feel guilty about not going. I can walk the dogs longer because I won't be in pain from Crossfit. The hope is that once I lose a little weight and get used to walking, I can add the 5am Crossfit back. I know that when I am thinner and in better shape, getting up at 5am and doing a hard, hard workout is not a problem. I think I'm just trying to do too much too soon. I'm in pretty good shape, but I need to lose some of this weight. So walking it is. Starting tonight, I will walk the dogs every chance I get. I can take them on fairly long walks, so that I end up walking for 90 minutes. That will be awesome. Whew, feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

19 October 2014


I have reached the point where I can no longer just go with the flow. I must make a plan and I must stick to it. I have a few things I dearly want to accomplish, but in order to make those things happen I must do other things.

I want to feel better physically. In order to do that I must eat right and workout.

1) Workouts happen at 5am. I have settled on that time and I'm not going to change it. I prefer to workout in the morning and that is the time they offer the class. I have gotten up for 5am workouts most of my life, this should not be any different. Now, in order for 5am workout to happen, I must get up at 4am. In order to get up at 4am, I must go to bed by 8:30pm. None of this is impossible, it just needs to happen regularly.

2) Eating right requires planning. Planning lunches and breakfasts. That means putting them together the night before so they are ready to go in the morning, especially if it is a morning of a 5am workout. I need to put them together every night so I don't have to deal with that in the morning.

There, that is not so hard. Difficult? Yes. But totally doable. I used to workout early in the morning all the time. I prefer that time to workout. But the past couple of years I got into the evening habit and while I like it, I don't really like it. Working out in the early morning sets me up for a good day. Working out at night is too easy to flake on.

I also want to get some serious work done on my prospectus. I cannot just spit some work out now and then. I need to devote some time to working on it everyday. So I'm going to give 30 minutes to it every single day. On the mornings when I don't have Crossfit, I will do it at 5am. On the mornings I do have Crossfit, I will do it in the evenings. I will carry some articles with me at all times in case I find myself with some time on my hands. I am going to start a calendar today and I cannot break the chain of writing. Every day, 30 minutes on my dissertation.

This is not hard. It is not brain surgery. It is things I have chosen to add to my life and I need to make them work around my life. It is not hard!!! It is completely doable and once I get into the habit it will be easy. I just have not allowed myself to build up the habit. So habit building starts today. I will prep my breakfast and lunch tonight after dinner. I will prepare my clothes for work and for my workout. I will get to bed by 8:30pm and get up at 4am and go to Crossfit at 5am. I will do this. Maybe I should blog every night with my successes for the day. I will try, but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself. Let me get the habits of working out and working on my dissertation down.

I have logged my Crossfit and my dissertation work on my Google calendar. I have also logged in my prospectus work with alarms to message me. I have done this for next week. Next Sunday I will evaluate the week and see how it worked. out. I can make changes or tweak it as needed.

Under Pressure

and it is of my own making. I have numerous things to do. Numerous..... yet I sit here playing games and not doing anything. I have to figure out my eating, that is important. I have to submit something to my dissertation mentor tomorrow, I have nothing. Okay, that is really all I have to do, but it sure feels like a lot of pressure on me. I think because I have so very little on the dissertation front. This is huge, and I have done no work on it at all. Okay, just putting this stuff in writing helps. When I don't articulate it, the pressure just builds and builds, and becomes much larger than it is. So let's figure something out. I need to submit something by tomorrow. I could read today and write something up this afternoon. I just looked at the outline and the guidebook and it is not as bad as I thought. I think I could put a rough, very rough, draft together today. I just need to focus and quit screwing around. Well, that has relieved the pressure considerably. I am going to start working on that now. I will be going to Crossfit at 10am but I will pick up when I return. Here is to writing a 1st draft of a prospectus today.

18 October 2014

10 days after I surrendered

things are not a whole lot better. I don't like the way I feel. I have not been going to Crossfit as much as I would like to. I am getting lazier and lazier. I have little to no motivation. I am eating more crap than I want to and I can't seem to help myself. I don't want to battle my weight anymore but I can't just let it go either. I need to do something. I cannot continue on this way. I have to change the way I eat. The way I exercise. The way everything happens. As it is now I can barely get out of bed in the morning. By 1-2pm I am exhausted and yawning away. I come home from work and end up napping in my chair. Sometimes I walk the dogs. Then there is dinner and I spend the rest of the night on the couch until bed. That has got to stop. I'm not sure exactly what to do, but I've got to do something. Maybe I need to break up my meals and eat more frequently. I need to create meals that can be broken up and easily eaten quickly. Maybe. I am going to force myself to go to Crossfit. No excuses. That means going to bed earlier. I don't know. I need to dwell on this a little bit. On a good note, I did just pass up ice cream. Baby steps.....

09 October 2014

I. Am. Done.

Completely and totally done. I have spent most of my adult life battling my weight. I have a bad back, horrible knee, and screwed up shoulder from various workouts over the years. I have counted calories, fat grams, carbs, points, blah, blah, blah....I. Am. Done. Looking back I have never been successful when I'm 'battling' my weight. My success always came when I was doing things I enjoyed and doing them because I enjoyed them. When I set out to lose weight, it has never worked. I get crazy. Obsess over numbers. Think about food all the time. Get crazy with everything. I'm done. Yes, I'm overweight. Yes, I should be 50lbs lighter. But I can't do it anymore. I'm going to focus on the positive and not the negative. I'm going to do thinks I enjoy, Crossfit, walking. I'm going to eat reasonably. I will not count calories or anything else. I will focus on eating right. I will avoid sugar but on the weekends will allow myself some. I will continue to avoid wheat, that stuff just messes with my system. I just want to be normal. I have so many things going on in my life, I don't want to focus on my weight. So I'm done. It is officially over. I will no longer obsess over these ridiculous things. I will live my life for fun.

04 October 2014

I am a walking machine

Or at least I am trying to be. After last night's post, I was really fired up about walking - still am actually. So I walked to Crossfit this morning. It took me about 20 minutes. After Crossfit I walked to the store, grabbed a bag of ice, and walked home. That all took me about 30 minutes plus I carried 10 lbs of ice 2 blocks. I got home and was HUNGRY!!! So I made some breakfast then took a dip in the pool. After the pool I did some research for some of my school work and then took a nap. Love breaks. When I got home from Crossfit I checked my numbers on my FitBit and I was already at 7,800 steps. My goal is 16,666 a day so I'm basically half way there. Woot. I'm getting ready to take a shower. It's been raining on and off since I went in the pool and it does not look like I will be going in the pool again. Plus, I want to walk the dogs this afternoon and need a shower before I do that.

I just read a statement that said trying to lose weight by exercising is ridiculous and impossible. That is not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to keep myself moving because sitting on the the couch is an unhealthy way to live. I'm trying to keep myself moving because the more I move the more I want to move. I'm trying to keep myself moving because when I feel my body doing amazing things, I want to fuel it properly. In many ways I am exercising to lose weight, but not in the normal sense. I am exercising - walking - because it has benefits that go far beyond the immediate and the obvious and I use those to lose weight.