03 July 2015

Waiting for a sign

I have a habit of waiting for things. If I lose this weight...... If finish this dissertation.......If I.......... It is one thing that rather annoys me and that I haven't been able to break. I need to break it though and now seems like a good time to start. While some things have to focus on the end result; finishing my dissertation is not going to happen by itself; other things can be worked on in small increments and not wait for some big thing to happen.

I have spent the last 7 weeks in pain with my foot. Now 7 weeks is not a terribly long time, it is a good chunk of time. I have spent those 7 weeks waiting for my foot to get better. Waiting to be able to do the things I want to do. As a result, my workouts have dropped off and I'm starting to feel it. I have been sleeping like I'm drugged. That is generally a sign, a sign that I have missed these last few weeks. When things are going well, I generally wake up ready to take on the day and can keep moving through my afternoons pretty well. I usually want to take a nap, but can survive without one. Yesterday I was drugged. I felt like I could not keep my eyes open and once I did take a nap, felt like I could not get up and get moving. Then last night I slept the sleep of the drugged. I just did not want to get out of bed this morning. I even made Hubby a deal so he would feed the birds and I could sleep in. This might be the 2nd time in 9 years that he has fed the birds in the morning. So, if I've been waiting for a sign, I think I have it.

My foot is about 95% healed. Not perfect, but honestly I don't think it will ever be perfect. I will continue to take care of it but I think the time has come to pick up the pace a bit. Also, I have finally accepted the fact that Crossfit is not enough for me. I need more activity. When I was at my thinnest I would run, bike, hike, swim, weight train, I did it all. I went from working out twice a day most days, to working out 3-4 times a week if I'm lucky. Time to change things up.

I have been mulling this over in my head for a few days now and I've come to some conclusions. First, I have to have something to work towards. I cannot just workout for the sake of working out, that loses my interest really quick. So I need something to work towards. Second, I need a schedule of workouts that I can stick to and that work for me. Third, I need to get my diet under control. I'm struggling with this part the most as I'm not quite sure how to go about getting in more protein, but I'm working on it.

So, the plan today is to start to amp up my activity, I will be hopping on the treadmill in a little bit here and heading to Crossfit this afternoon. To get things moving, I want to shoot for 15 minutes walking in the morning and Crossfit in the afternoons. Except for weekends when it will be the opposite. Also, factor in walking the dogs every single night - no excuses. I am going to work on my food and see about coming up with some high protein things to add to my diet. Then, I'm going to look around for some activity to make a goal. Maybe a race, maybe the Crossfit weekend warrior, I'm not sure, but we will see. I just know that I need something to work towards.

01 July 2015

Thinking, thinking, thinking......

This is my mind right now. There are so many thoughts floating around. So many things I want to do. So many changes I want to make. Too much thinking. This is what happens once I get myself unstuck. I was stuck for a long, long time but once I started taking control back last week, things started falling into place. I've got the money under control and a plan to continue moving forward that way. I cleaned my desk and work area, I don't think it has ever been this clean or organized. I'm not completely done, but every time I walk in here to use the computer I smile. I have started working on my proposal again. I didn't know exactly where to start with that, so I just sat down and started reading and writing. I now have a plan to move forward and to keep making progress on it. Also, once I started reading and annotating, things started to fall into place and I'm getting an idea about what I want to write. So now that things are falling into place and I have plans to keep things moving, I want to get working on other areas too. Now that I'm unstuck, I want to continue moving forward in more areas of my life.

I woke this morning with a horrible feeling in my belly. It felt huge, just huge. I did not like the way I felt and I did not eat anything until noon. I didn't even get hungry until 11. I don't like that feeling and I'm completely over it. This feeling got me to thinking about my health and fitness. I want to run. I am dying to run. I can't run yet because my foot is not 100%, but it's about 95% so it's getting close. Also, I don't want to just jump into running, that is recipe for disaster. This led to thinking about food and working out and wanting to feel better. Last time I was thin and healthy, and felt really good about myself and my body, I was working out a whole lot more than I do now. I would get up in the morning and run or bike. I would swim at night. I would ride my bike or run/walk on the weekends. I know that exercise is not THE way to lose weight, but for me it is a vital component. For me, exercising puts my mind in a healthy place; gets my metabolism pumping; and just improves my mood. The more I work out, the more these good feelings snowball and I get stronger and stronger.

I have also been noticing that I'm waking up at 4:30 the last few weeks. I wake up and then lay there until the alarm goes off at 5:00. So here's what I'm thinking. I'll start getting up at 4:30 and jumping on the treadmill and walking. If I could get 20-30 minutes in every morning, that would be awesome. Then Crossfit 5 times a week and walking the dogs a whole more than I do now. Also, I want to add in yoga or something on the days I don't do Crossfit. Hmmm....Seems a little ambitious, but totally doable. If I work out the schedule, I know I could do it. I have to put a little more thought into this, but I think I might be one to something here. Time to step things up a notch or two.

28 June 2015

Have I become a drama queen?

I like to say that I detest drama. The world is full of drama and I hate making more. But now I am wondering if that is just talk. I did have some money issues that were weighing me down, but now those have been straightened out. Which led me to thinking about other things on my 'hit list' and that is where the drama queen thought popped up. I want to lose weight, desperately want to lose some weight. I've given up the thought of being skinny, I just don't want this big belly that I have. Well, that belly is caused by sugar. I can feel it happen when I consume sugar. So I need to stop eating sugar. It's hard, but it's not that hard. But recently, including last night, instead of avoiding it, I eat some and then feel bad, so I eat some more, and then feel worse. Creating my own drama. Then there is the whole writing the dissertation thing. I have to do it, I have to work on it regularly to get it done, our entire future is balanced on this thing. But have I worked on it at all?? NO. Have I made up lies and excuses for it not being done? YES. Creating my own drama. Lastly, grading summer school work. I am getting work in on a daily basis, more than once a day. Yet I put off the grading and put it off and put it off, until I have a stack like I brought home this weekend. Creating my own drama. Time to get off the drama bandwagon. I wouldn't feel so bad if I did something constructive while avoiding this other stuff, but I don't. Yesterday I spent a large part of the day laying on the couch or laying in the pool. That in and of itself would not be bad, if I had nothing to do. But I have lots to do. I could have spent some time in the pool, then did some work, then some time in the pool, then some work, etc. Instead, I spend lots of time in the pool. Got little to no work done, and now I feel guilty and stressed by that.

It is time to stop this nonsense. I am an adult. I have control of my feelings, my actions, and my life. It is time to start acting like that. No more stress and guilt over stupid stuff. Time to step up and act like I know I should. No more putting off things that need to be done. No more instant gratification. NO MORE. It starts today, it starts now. I read an article about how organized people think a little bit differently than unorganized people. Instead of putting things off - HELLO!!!! - they respond with HOW ABOUT NOW? That is going to be my mantra from now on. How about now? I'm going to print it out and post it on my wall above my computer so I see it every time I sit here wasting time. I'm going to put it in my planner and I'm going to say it to myself all the time. How about now?

I need to begin by getting dressed for Crossfit and cleaning this room. I have over an hour before Crossfit, so how about now?

This was at the top of my blog today:
Quote of the Day

Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.
Benjamin Disraeli

27 June 2015

Stress and relief

For the past few months, I have had a financial burden that has really been weighing me down. I took this summer teaching position at Kamehameha specifically because of this financial burden. I knew that the extra money would help relieve this burden and I needed to do that as soon as possible. Well, yesterday was the first full pay check from Kamehameha and I paid off 2/3s of that burden. Do you have any idea how happy and relieved I am? Do you have any idea how it has changed the way I feel? Let me explain.

I've had this burden for a couple of months. I knew it was, I was in communication with the company, and I knew I was going to take care of it with this job. What I did not know, and never realized, is how much it was eating me up even though it really was 'handled'. I thought about it all the time. I'm a worrier by nature, but usually when I have a plan I'm all good. Not this time. It was always in the back of my mind. That kind of stress is not good for anyone, let alone someone trying to get healthy. Once I made that payment yesterday, I actually felt lighter. Physically lighter. Now, not possible I know, and the burden was not a physical burden but a mental one. But once I made the payment and the relief came flooding in, it felt so very good. Now it's not completely over, I still owe a little more money, but the bulk of it has been paid and I am ever so thankful for that.

So some side effects of this lingering, chronic stress that I was not even aware of. Apparently the stress is one of the things that has caused me to eat excessive sweets lately. Once that was paid, I no longer wanted sweets. I got pizza for dinner and I usually grab a couple of garlic knots with it. Not only did I not have any garlic knots, I gave almost half of my second slice to the dogs. They loved it. Later on in the evening, I thought about having some ice cream but decided I didn't want any. So I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. Amazing. I also went to Crossfit and absolutely killed it.

So yeah. I have known for a long time that stress is not good for the body, but I don't recall having such a clear example of it in the recent past. I am so relieved to have that bill under control and in two weeks I'll be even more relieved when it is paid off. Today I need to sit down and make a financial plan to make sure something like this never happens again. It's not like there was some major catastrophe that caused us to get behind. It was just sheer inattention. I cannot let that happen again. I have big dreams and plans and I cannot let my attention wander and destroy those plans.

Okay, time to start getting ready for Crossfit.

Later that day: I have worked out a financial plan and by August 1st everything will be in order. I cannot wait. I need to be strong and stay focused on the goal - financial normalcy. I just cannot express how relieved I am to finally have this mess under control. I don't know about anyone else, but when finances are a mess, I'm a mess. So glad I took the time and tackled this beast. Now I just need to stay on top of things for the month of July so that I can truly say I have it under control.

21 June 2015

Living in pain

Since May 16th I have been living with plantar pain. I know that is not that long, many people live with it much longer, but I also know I don't have to live with it. It is fixable. I'm working on fixing it, but it does take some time. As a result of my plantar, there are times when I walk funny. This causes pain in my hip, my back, and lately my knee. My bad knee. It is very similar to the pain that started this whole pain trip. This time though, I know what it is and I'm not worried about it. My body is out of whack and needs to be straightened out. I'm working on it. It does not happen overnight but I sure wish it did.

There are some things I can do at home to speed this along and I'm not doing them. So on my to-do list today is to work out times to do some rolling so I'm promoting healing. I need to roll in the morning and evening. I want this gone and I need to get on. Hoping it will go away by itself is just ridiculous. As with so many things in my life, hoping for them will not make them happen. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first. Crude but you get the idea.

I have my to-do list for today and I really need to get moving. Sitting in this chair does not help my back/knee/foot at all.

19 June 2015

Perfection is overrated

I wrote this post last night but it was not making sense. I have decided to just start over with it. Not even sure why I mentioned last night since I just deleted everything I wrote. Oh well, moving on......

I am a procrastinator and I have to change it. I have been working for 2 weeks and have not made any progress on my proposal. NONE!!!! I have to make some. I put off grading. I haven't made my chemical list. I have a whole list of things to do that I have not even started. I don't want to be like this. Putting things off creates stress because it is constantly on my mind. I have been thinking about my grading all week; haven't done it, but thought about it. What a waste of time and energy. I spend far, far too much time either cruising around Facebook, or playing games, or laying on the couch watching TV. I always seem to put having fun first over doing what needs to be done. That has to stop. I know how to do it, I just don't know how to do it - if that makes any sense at all. I get so overwhelmed and paralyzed when the to do list gets too big, I just shut down. Okay, I think I just hit on a way around it. Don't look at the whole list. Decide what I'm going to work on and just focus on that. But I need to be proactive and stay on top of things. Okay, it's starting to come to me. I used to create not only a to do list, but an order in which to do them. I would sit down in the morning with my coffee and write out my list in the order I would do them. And I would work through the list in order and get things done. Maybe I should do that. Instead of just having a general to do list, have a very specific to do list. Hmmm....I need to consider that. I saw a video on a guy who uses a legal pad to create his to do list every day. Maybe I will dig out a big piece of paper and create my list for today. I will do it just like I like it, in order, with details. Yeah, let's give it a try. I know it worked for me before. I just need to create one every day and then stick to it. Okay, I'll check back later with my results.

Later that same day: So I sat down and made a very specific to do list. It looked like this:

  • Wash sheets
  • Dress for Crossfit
  • Eat
  • Clean kitchen counters and kitchen table
  • Crossfit
  • Breakfast 
  • Shower
  • Vacuum house
  • Create key for test
  • Clean bathroom 
  • Work 1 hour on proposal 
Right now, it looks like this: 

  • Wash sheets
  • Dress for Crossfit
  • Eat
  • Clean kitchen counters and kitchen table
  • Crossfit
  • Breakfast 
  • Shower
  • Vacuum house
  • Create key for test
  • Clean bathroom 
  • Work 1 hour on proposal 
Plus, I've had lunch with Hubby, been in and out of the pool as the heat dictates and took a nap. I may not get to the bathroom today, but that is okay there is always tomorrow. I will work on my proposal but that will probably not happen until after dinner as I'm getting ready to walk the dogs. Oh yeah, I will shower before bed too. 

This type of list making works for me. It just does. Specific, in order, small pieces, it works. Not only does it keep me motivated and making progress, I also think about what I have to do less. I know it is on my list, so it's not on my mind. I took a restful nap and did not feel guilty when I woke up because I knew I was getting my stuff done. I like this. I'm going to do it again tomorrow. 

14 June 2015

Starting over

Yesterday's post was written as I was proctoring. I've been feeling pretty fat and lazy for the last couple of weeks and yesterday it all just kind of exploded out of me. Sometimes that is good though and I think in this case, it might have been very good. Starting today, I am starting over. I am determined to lose this weight and I am determined to be active like I want to. I spend far, far too much time hanging around the house and end up sleeping on the couch. No more.

Looking back on when I was my thinnest, I was always active. I would get up and workout in the morning, come home and workout at night. On weekends I did long things; bike rides, runs, etc. I did sit around but not as a major part of my day. I need to get back to that place. I need to make movement a priority. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to get up in the morning and do 20 minutes on the treadmill. At night I'm going to walk the dogs and do Crossfit. I have the time, it's summer.

And food, do not even get me started about food. I am going to eat and eat and eat. Again, looking back on when I was my thinnest, these times I was actually eating the most. I would wake up hungry and get hungry at regular intervals. And I craved good food, not junk. I would eat junk but not as much as I do now.

So this is it. Starting over, right now. Going to get some food and get ready for Crossfit. Then I'm going to keep moving the rest of the day and NOT take a nap or even lie on the couch. Going to prep for next week and get my act together. Fuck baby steps, I'm jumping in with both feet.

Seriously. ........

Yesterday I passed out on theebook couch and flet like I was drugged. I slept fast about 2 hours and just could not seem to shake that drugged dopey feeling. When I finally managed to get my ass up, I tried to figure out what was wrong. I had slept really good the night before, so that wasn't it. What could it be? Then I decided to look at my food. It was 3 pm and i had eaten a whopping 500 calories. Seriously? !?!?! Knowing theft was no way I could eat 1300 poon calories by the end of the night, I tried to get the most bang for my buck. Ate 6 ozs of chicken and a big salad them had ice cream for dessert. Not the beat way to get calories but I ended with almost 1400 and that was a lot better then I thought I would.

I am up to 208.208!!!!!! That had to change. I have got to get this eating under control. I was beginning to feel so amazing and now I'm worse off than I started. Something has to change. ..

Part of the problem is my foot. It had been so painful that exercising 1 had been out of the question. I have walked the dogs a few days and paid for it the next day. Today was the first day in almost a month that I haven't woken up in agony. And of course, my first thought is yes, I can exercise again.

Today I am proctoring the ACT and then goingto visit a friend i haven'thaven't seen in 20 years. Initially I thought that would mean a screwed up day of food. Then I decided to take control. I went to Starbucks and got breakfast because they usually have junk food at the proctoring. I will be having lunch with my friend but that will be good, poke and such. But it is time to get back in control. Time to workout and easy right and not spend the afternoon sleeping on the couch.