24 June 2016


That's me trying to create a state of zen in a sea of chaos. So let's see what is happening 2 days after my last post.

Axl is on antibiotics and is feeling much, much better. We had pretty much decided that he would not be making the journey with us and now he's feeling a whole lot better. Ugh!!!! Of course, just because he's feeling better doesn't mean he is better. Yesterday he still wasn't peeing and pooping much. We'll see how today goes. The good news is, we can change our minds at the last minute. We are going to wait and see how he reacts to the antibiotics.

As far as the mortgage, I have no idea where that stands, but I have mentally given up on it. We have a place to stay for the month of July in AZ, so we will stay there and look for a house to rent. I'm actually kind of okay with that part. I guess because in the overall scheme of things is it not that major a set-back. I'm taking the whole no news is good news approach though :)

Tomorrow we move out of here and into the hotel for 2 days. Then we fly out on Monday. Exciting and scary at the same time. Today i need to book a rental car and hotels along the way for us to stay. We are staying in the Bay Area when we arrive on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday we are driving over to see Jennifer and stay there for the night. Then Thursday we are driving down to LA and staying outside of LA Thursday night. Finally, on Friday, we will drive into Phoenix and claim our rental house. So exciting. So much fun.

In many ways the stress has lifted. We are so close to the actual move. Things are falling into place and I think we have everything lined up for the trip. Tonight is the party at the racquet club and Hubby's last night of work. Tomorrow we have lots to do cleaning this place out and moving to the hotel. Sunday is a cruise day, then Monday we check out and wait to leave. Hurry up and wait.....

Okay, time to get this day started.

22 June 2016

Crank up the stress

Stress levels around here have been unbearable and yesterday they cranked up to insane. Axl has been having issues peeing and pooping lately. He pees a lot and strains when he does with little coming out. Same with the pooping, he strains and strains and only a little comes out. Took him to the doctor yesterday because he was dripping blood from his penis. They took some x-rays and found that something is squishing his intestines. Not sure what it is, but something is much larger than it is supposed to be and squishing everything inside him. There are a number of possibilities but the most likely candidate is the worst one - Cancer. We have to go back to the doctor today to run some more tests and try to see what is going on. This creates a whole new level of problems that I can't even begin to try and process.

Then I get an email that my mortgage person needs my mortgage information because it's not reported on my credit. They need to make sure I haven't had any 30 day late payments. Well guess what? I've been running consistently 30 days behind because I can't seem to get ahead. So I'm pretty sure that will be the end of the house. Unless we just pay cash for it, which is an option at this point.

Plus I have a discussion due that I could not possibly care less about. Ugh!!! Why did I agree to take this class, now?????? I should have taken my research forum and made a little progress rather than struggle through this monster. Plus I have the one instructor that I had trouble with in another class.

What the hell am I going to do???? How do I handle all this at once???? What the hell?????

17 June 2016

Back to basics

I've been really trying to get some activity in during the day, walking, yoga, etc. Unfortunately I have not been consistent nor have I done it enough. I still spend far, far too much time sitting on my ass. So as I was laying in bed last night, I thought about every other time I've lost weight. What did I do that got me started? How did I start? What were the most basic things I did to get going? I need to know. I need to figure out how to start and once I get going I will develop momentum, but I need to start. Then it hit me, Karen Voight. Every time I went to lose weight and was successful, I started with Karen Voights video. It is an hour long and I really, really like it. I don't have a copy of it anymore, but I found it on the internet. So I'm going to do that today. Walking is good and all, but I think I need something more than just walking. So I'm going to give it a try and see what happens. If I can do it for the next week or so, it might be just the push I need to get me rolling again. Wish me luck.

I just finished my workout. For the record it is this one:

Now, I understand that things change, people change, situations change, I know that. I also know that I have been focusing on other things for the last few years, I understand completely. But in spite of all that, I just completed this workout and it damn near killed me. I used to be able to do this well. Lots of jumping and really working the moves. Stretching at the end until I was a pretzel. It used to be awesome. Today, not so much. I had to take a break in the middle of one part. I did none of the jumping and dancing around. I didn't use any weights and I can already feel my muscles. The stretching at the end - basically could hardly do it. Between being tight and unable to bend far and my stomach getting in the way, I didn't get a whole lot of stretching in. Initially I was kind of sad about this. I started to get down on myself about how far I have fallen. But then I remembered something I had read the other day. I wish I could remember where I read it, but the lady basically said, 'when I started I couldn't do 15 minutes of a video in my living room without having to rest and now I'm running marathons'. I also remember that this particular person took like 2 years to get there. So instead of getting upset or all down on myself, I just said this is it. You have got to stop. You have got to stop fooling yourself that things are okay, they are not okay. You are overweight and uncomfortable and you need to do something about it now. Not in 2 weeks when you get to Arizona. Now. Granted, I really can't do everything I want to do, like stock up on food, follow AltShift exactly, make sauces and dressings. Okay, but I can work with what I've got.

So let's start there. First, I have time to workout. I don't have equipment, but I have time. I did the workout this morning with nothing be a chair and a towel. So I have time to do workout, walk, yoga, whatever. I have time. I do not have to eat wheat. Ever. Sandwiches do not have to be eaten as sandwiches. I can pass on the bread on everything. It's not that hard. While I can't follow AltShift exactly, I can do the best with what I've got at this point. I can start by keeping track of my food. I'm fairly confident I'm not eating enough - again - and definitely not eating enough protein. So track my food. That's all.

This is so true. I can make a little bit of progress or I continue to fall further behind and have more to make up for when I do start. I am such and all or nothing person and I need to lose that. It really doesn't work in any aspect of my life so I'm not sure why I continue to persist with it. Time to lose it. Little bits, little steps, forward progress in all things.

16 June 2016

Moving is crazy

Moving is crazy. Moving across an ocean is flat out nuts. When moving there are so many things to remember. When moving across an ocean there are even more. There are things like, where is my mail going to go? I leave this house on the 25th of June and don't have a real address again until the house I am buying closes on July 13th. Where does my mail go between now and then? Luckily I figured out how to open a PO box in Arizona from Hawaii. So now at least I know where my mail is going.

Then there is the money issue. We will be getting over $200,000 from the house and it will go into our Hawaii account. In order to buy the house in AZ I will need a cashier's check for $105,000. How do I get a cashier's check on money that is in Hawaii when I am in AZ. I opened an account in AZ last night, I just hope it all works. If it does, the accounts are hooked up and we will be able to transfer money back and forth. Fingers crossed.

While writing this, I had to stop and call an insurance agent. I need homeowner's insurance on the house in AZ and I keep forgetting to call them. Finally just made the call.

That it the thing with this move. There are 8 million tiny details that keep popping up. Just when I think I have everything handled, something else pops up and I'm off on new tangent. It's no wonder I don't get anything done during the day.

That's not even considering the logistics. We have to leave this house on the 25th, but won't be flying out until the 27th or 28th. So what to do until then? We'll be staying in a hotel with all 3 dogs - that will be fun. But we have to check out of the hotel by noonish and our flight will not be until 9pm. What to do then. Plus, how do we transport 3 dogs and their crates to the airport? Details, details, details.

Thankfully things are all falling into place, but it is taking so much mental power, it is just crazy. Plus, I started back to Walden and have class work to do. Ugh!!!!! Things are completely crazy here.

This Saturday we are packing the POD up with everything we are taking. That means we will be without things for the next month. Things we use all the time, like this computer. Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

But, the good thing is things are coming together. Everything is working out and I know we are doing the right thing. This is what we are supposed to be doing at this point in time. I'm looking forward to moving to AZ. Living in a house where the neighbor isn't breathing down our necks. Having a pool. And most importantly, not struggling month to month. This is all going to be worth it.

11 June 2016

Today will be amazing

This is another thing I have to do, decide that the day will be amazing.

Woke this morning with a good attitude and feeling really good. Been up for about an hour and I'm getting ready to head out on my walk. Want to get it done before it gets really hot. Going to be productive today and get things done. So have a fabulous day.

After my walk: After I wrote this I headed out for my morning walk. My plan when I left was to do the college loop, which is a little over 2 miles. Takes me about 50 minutes to complete it. As I was doing the loop I started to notice a couple of things. First, for the last few months, within about 10-15 minutes of starting a walk, my hips and low back would begin to hurt. The pain would increase until it was about 8 on a scale of 10. I would then have to sit for a few minutes to relieve the pain. After that I was usually fine. That didn't happen today. I noticed that I had zero pain so I decided to keep walking. Instead of heading home after the college, I headed into town to Haiku Road and took that loop. I did start to feel some low back pain towards the end of my walk, but my hips never hurt. Another thing I noticed. I have been battling plantar for over a year now and I didn't get any heel pain until right near the end of my walk. I also noticed that my calves are feeling muscular - don't know what else to call it. I can feel the muscles in my calves getting tight as I walk and then loosening up the more I go. So, bottom line, today was an amazing, almost pain free walk, and I love it. I noticed something years ago that I think I had forgotten. As you get into shape, things hurt. My feet will hurt, my back will hurt, my legs, my arms, whatever. But things will hurt. As I get into more shape the hurt will go away and I will start to feel stronger. If I stop working out, things start to hurt again opposite of the way they hurt when I started working out. So if I started working out and my feet hurt, then my back hurt, then my calves hurt. If I stop working out my calves will hurt first, then my back, and then my feet. It is like my body is undoing all the good that was done to it. It's just been so long since I was in such bad shape that I had forgotten the progression. Needless to say, I'm feeling amazing.

10 June 2016

This is why I teach summer school

This was me today. Pretty much all day too. I did get up and go for a walk this morning, but after that I spent most of the time on the couch. This is why I teach summer school. Because if left to my own devices, I do nothing. Something has to change. I don't like being lazy. When I'm lazy I get nothing done and things just pile up around me. I don't want to be like that. When I'm lazy, I feel fat. Like I do now. Because sitting around doing nothing does not promote muscle growth. I have got to change something. This happens every single time I have a break of any kind. You would think that by now I have it mastered, but I don't. It's something I struggle with every time. I need to keep moving. I spent so much time on the couch today, my neck is sore. That's just crazy. I think I just need to create a to-do list at night for the next day. That way I have a list of things to do and don't spend so much time on the couch. Ugh!!!! Why??? Why???? Why?????

After typing this I got out my bujo journal (which I have not touched in about 4 weeks) and updated it. I set it up for tomorrow. I made a to-do list and I filled in the June items that need to be done. I also made a master to-do list for the move. So now I have a plan for tomorrow. This is just something I need to do. I need to sit down every night and plan for the next day. I cannot leave it until morning because then I will not have a plan and nothing will get done. I need to know what I'm doing and have a task list to complete. I just have to accept that this is something I have to do every single day. I cannot just let things happen. I have to plan. I have to. Yes, I know I keep repeating that, because deep down I don't believe I'm that type of person. I feel like I'm the type of person who goes with the flow. But I think things have changed over the years. I used to be like that, but not anymore. It is too easy for me to just end up doing nothing. When I have a lot to do, I freeze. I usually do that when I'm feeling down and there are things I don't want to do. But this time it is happening with something I want to do. I guess it is just a way I react when I have a lot to do. So now that I know that and have accepted it, I need to accept that I need to create to-do lists to get things done. My lists to not have to be monstrous and take all day to complete, but I have to have some things to do. There can still be time for napping and relaxing. Okay, I really do feel better. I really think that having so much to do just messes with my mind far too much. So, in order to keep things in order and to keep us moving forward, I need to spend 10 minutes every night creating a list and planning for the next day.

It is amazing how much better I feel when I have a little control. I cannot let life just happen to me, I must be the captain of my ship.

08 June 2016

Progress in 2 days....

So 2 days ago, I called myself out on my BS. Sometimes I need to do that in order to make forward progress. Well, it helped. Yesterday I got up and walked. I walked for an hour and half. I covered almost 3 miles. I went shopping at Ross's. It was amazing. I also walked the dogs yesterday for the standard 1.5 hours. That was great. Today I got up and walked. I walked for almost 2 hours and covered 3.35 miles. In the middle of that, I stopped at 24 hours fitness and did 20 minutes of intervals on the bike. I also stopped at Ross's and did some shopping (have to cut that part out) and went to Starbucks for breakfast. I will be walking the dogs again today, not sure if I'll be alone or with Hubby, but walk them I will.

Yesterday I also managed not to eat a bunch of crap. Yay me!!! I did have some donut holes after dinner, but that was it for junk. I'm so pleased and proud of myself. Now I have to go take a shower and then I'm heading to Kailua to look for some luggage at Goodwill. I may pick up a salad at Aloha Salads, I haven't had them in a couple of years.

Sometimes a good as* kicking is just what I need.