26 July 2015

Day 5 & 6 plus some random musings and general plans

Yesterday was day 5 in my just one day journey and it was by far the hardest to date. Hubby worked late, really late, so I was alone all day with the opinion that I had nothing really to do, I was wrong but I'll get to that later. I did fine for breakfast and lunch, but as it got closer and closer to dinner time, I was not doing so well. I did not know if I needed to make dinner or not. I was getting hungry but for some reason did not have a real snack or my protein drink, I chose to eat popcorn. Luckily hubby got home soon after and we had a nice dinner, but after dinner I took some banana bread. Just a small piece but a piece nonetheless. Then, just before bed, I had these cookies that have been in the house for a week. They are some Japanese brand and it salty crackers with a mango filling. It did not sound that appealing and I have avoided it for a week, but last night I broke down and tried them. I only had 2, they come in little packs of 2, and they were not that good. Salt and mango??? Bleh!!!!! I did not like them very much at all, but I found myself standing there looking at them, debating on having 2 more. Luckily I came to my senses and went to bed. But it absolutely amazed me how I actually considered having more when I didn't like them. The really good part of this whole experience is that awareness is the
first step in true change, at least for me. Every really large issue I've had, like binge eating, I started to conquer with awareness of what was happening. So in spite of the fact that I ate those things, I am extremely grateful for the awareness, knowing it is the first step. So I consider yesterday a success as far as food goes.

As far as other things, not so much. I have a huge pile of work to do but I pretty much avoided it all yesterday. I ended up taking a nap I really didn't want and I got nothing much done. That I don't like. I have got to stop doing that. I read an article the other day and it really struck home for me. It was on a dissertation website and the writer was talking about how you cannot wait to write until you feel like it. All the successful writers make it a priority and usually have a writing schedule that they follow - whether they feel like it or not. I think that is my problem. I say that frequently, I don't feel like it. Too bad. I need to set a schedule for writing and I need to stick to it no matter what. I had a prospectus draft hanging over my head for 2 weeks. 2 Weeks!!!!!! I kept saying I didn't feel like it or I didn't know how to approach it. I finally sat down on Thursday to write it and I did it. One sitting. Got it done. Is it perfect? No. But it's not supposed to be. This is a reiterative process; draft-correction-draft-correction. I have to get that through my head.

Which brings us to today:

I cannot believe that I have stuck to this for 6 days. It is not so much that I have stuck with it for 6 days, but that it feels so manageable. I have not been tempted to eat crap at all - last night doesn't count - and I feel completely in control. Also, I'm not hungry and I'm not getting freaky over the numbers. I have set a calorie goal of 1800 but I have gone over a few days and I have not completely freaked out and stopped eating. Huge progress. I have found that eating is hugely important and I'm coming to terms with food as fuel. The better the food, the better the fuel, the better I feel. It is completely and totally worth it. And, after all these years, I'm finally getting it. Finally.

But I need to shift my thinking some. I need to create a schedule for writing and I need to stick to it - whether I feel like it or not. I have the opportunity to teach an online college class. This is a huge opportunity as this is what I really want to do. That is going to take more time also. And with students waiting on me, I will not be able to put it off for 2 weeks!!!! So I have got to get better at time management, I just have to. I have to come up with a plan for everything that needs to get done and stick to that plan. Whether I feel like it or not. It needs to start with cleaning this desk and keeping it clean. I can't get any work done in this mess.

So the plan today is to stick to the food plan, and work out some other plans to get ahead of the curve. I wrote something in my calendar that I need to be proactive and not reactive. That is a good way to look at it. Something to work on.

24 July 2015

Another good day

Yesterday was another really good day, Day 4. The desire for sugar seems to have left the building, I know it's never really gone and I have to be aware of it all the time. Making my meals has become a given. All thoughts of fast food or junk food is just gone. For the past week, I've been having a banana with my coffee when I get up. The thought process is that many, many nutritionists recommend eating within 30 minutes of getting up to rev up your metabolism. So I've been grabbing a banana with my coffee and eating it. Well, the last couple of days, by 8 am I am exhausted. Completely wiped out, like I had to take a nap two days in a row. So today I did not eat the banana and while I'm yawning - need to get moving - I do not feel like I need a nap. So hmmm....

But I cannot get over how amazing I feel. My stomach does not feel like it is sticking out a mile in front of me. Except for the morning exhaustion, my energy levels have been pretty darn good. I haven't taken an afternoon nap all week and I've walked the dogs the last couple of days because my foot has been feeling really good.

Speaking of my foot. I did a workout at the beginning of the week that left me sore. Really, really sore. Sore quads, hamstrings, calves, etc. While I was so incredibly sore, my foot was killing me. Like I could hardly walk pain. As my legs recovered, the pain in my foot got better. That just tells me that the pain in my foot is caused by my leg. So I have not done anything but walk since then and the foot is getting better and better. I figure to stay inactive until the foot is healed and then I will slowly start to add activity in. I'm walking now, just the dogs at night, so I will start with more walking. If that remains good, I'll start adding in some short running bursts. I plan on eventually going back to Crossfit, but I'm going to build up to it slowly. I figure it will be at least 2 months and as many as 6 months before I return. I'm okay with that. I'm in this for the long haul and not for the moment. I think that is part of my problem. I don't think about the long haul, I think only about now. And so I paid the price. But that is okay, a good lesson to learn. So I'm on the road to recovery and however long it takes is how long it takes. As long as I can keep my eating in check, I should be okay.

Alright. Enough rambling for today. I'm going to make some breakfast, shower, and figure out exactly what I'm doing today. I'm meeting a friend for lunch, but before that???? Who knows?????

Update: I am so very proud of myself today. I knew I was going out to lunch and I planned for it. I had a smaller breakfast than normal and I chose a chicken quesadilla for lunch. Awesome. Felt so good. Feel so good. So proud. Good choices. Woot!! Woot!!! Now I'm going to finally eat dinner.

23 July 2015

Day 3

Beginning to feel like I'm on a roll. Yesterday was day 3 in my just one day and it was pretty good. I was really tired, like took a nap at 8 am tired, but I think that might have been from the lack of sugar. Yesterday marked 3 days I have gone without sugar. There is a point where my body goes through withdrawals from sugar and that may have been happening yesterday. I honestly didn't start out to eliminate sugar, but as a result of eating whole food and not snacking, I did and it's awesome. So expect for feeling a little tired and sluggish - which will pass - I'm feeling pretty good. I no longer feel like I'm pregnant with my stomach sticking out in front of me. I am regular - if you know what I mean. I have been tracking my food at my fitness pal and I just checked and my sugar intake has not exceeded 60 grams in the last 3 days. Most of those 60 grams have come from bananas and beets. Awesome. I don't mind sugar that comes from food, I just would like to avoid added sugar. So things are going very well. I have been weighing myself each morning and while I haven't seen any loss yet, my weight seems to have stabilized. No wild fluctuations up or down. So except for some tiredness, which I seem to be feeling today also, I'm really feeling good. Plus, I know that once this tiredness passess I'll be full of energy.

Another good thing, yesterday was the first day in a long, long time I was not in agony walking. My foot hurt a little bit, but nothing serious. I walked the dogs and it really felt amazing. So hopefully that is on the mend also.

Just going to keep plugging along for just one more day. Just one day......

21 July 2015

Really good day 2

Today was really good. I'm a little surprised by that, but it was. I stuck to my eating plan and stayed away from sugar. I had planned for a large lunch and still kept my day reasonable. I am so proud of myself right now. Mostly because I stayed away from sugar. That is huge on day 2. I went to school this morning and did some work in my classroom. Tomorrow I'm staying home and working on stuff here so it should be another good day. Just one day. I need to keep that focus. I have to avoid looking at the big picture and getting overwhelmed. Just one day. I need to keep that in mind for all the things I have to do. Just focus on what I can do today, let tomorrow take care of itself. Just one day....

20 July 2015

Very Good Day 1

Today was good. I was kind to myself and it really seemed to work. I did not complete everything on my list, but I made progress on everything and that is awesome. I ended up going to school for a couple of hours and working on my classroom. But I made a good breakfast and came home for a good lunch. I did not have any sugar all day and I did not take a nap. Neither of these things were on my list but those are things that I do when I'm feeling good. I did not feel exhausted today but my foot did hurt like crazy. So, today was a huge success in my book

Tomorrow is just one more day. I will do tomorrow like I did today. It is just for one day.

19 July 2015

Just tired

I have moments when I think there might be something wrong with me. I'm tired and have no motivation. Then I look at my lifestyle and realize what is wrong is the way I'm living. I have sparks where I work to get back on track and then I fall off again. Yesterday started so well, I ate well and felt great. Then we had chili dogs for lunch and chinese food for dinner and donuts for dessert. Ugh!!! I get angry and decide to switch everything around only to have it fail. Then I say I'm going to take baby steps and get impatient. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sitting here in pain. My foot hurts, my back hurts, I have a bit of a headache. Ugh. I need to get more exercise and I need to get my eating under control. So what to do, what to do......

I did go shopping at Costco today and stocked up on veggies and healthy stuff. Since I will be home for the next 2 weeks I figured I better have good food around. So I think I need to focus on one day at a time or as I like to say, just one day.

I need to focus on just one day at a time. I cannot think about how much weight I have to lose or how much pain I am in or what I can't do. I need to focus on the positive, on the things I can do at this point. So for tomorrow I will do that. I will focus on food, eating good food and tracking it. I will try to walk but I'm not going to get crazy about it. I have things to do prepping for school and writing my dissertation so I will focus on the things I can control. I will do what I can and learn to be happy with it. I will not beat myself up over what I can't do, I will be happy and grateful for what I can do. Okay, I feel better already. I need to be kind to myself but at the same time strict. I need to switch my thinking around so that eating well is being kind to myself and eating junk is being mean. If I can get that thinking going and then work on being kind to myself, I think I will have better success.

Okay, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. I think starting the day with 1,000 calorie breakfast didn't help my mental state. I feel better now I have a plan and that always helps. Now I need to put together a to-do list for tomorrow. I need to have that to keep me on track. So let's go:


  • 1 hour writing proposal which will require at least 1 hour of reading before hand
  • Get 2 weeks of lesson plans for all classes ready
  • Finalize the Science Survivor game
  • Create Chemistry Cash
  • Walk dogs
This week: 
  • Vacuum and steam floor
  • clean computer room
  • clean kitchen
  • clean bathroom

18 July 2015

Dying dreams and to do lists

First my to do list. I am done with summer school, yesterday was the last day - yeah!!!! Now I have about 2 weeks until school starts up again. Not only that, I have gotten a position as an online college instructor - woo hoo!!!! Plus, I need to make some progress on my thesis, I have done nothing on it over the past 7 weeks. And, I need to be organized for school, I need lesson plans and calendars and rosters and all kinds of things. So, now that I'm home for awhile, I need a to do list every day. I find that if I have a plan I generally stick to it, not always, but mostly, but if I don't have a plan nothing gets done. Nothing. So I will have a plan every day. Normally, I will create the plan the night before, but yesterday I was too busy enjoying summer school being done. So, today's plan is as follows:

  • Wake up, weight myself, eat within 30 minutes of getting up
  • computer for no more than 1 hour (I'm a little over that limit right now but want to get this list done)
  • Workout - Daily Burn - Body Tabata with a score of 40
  • Relax, eat breakfast, pool, etc
  • Work on dissertation for 1 hour - writing
  • Vacuum house, pool, snack, relax, etc.
  • Work on dissertation for 1 hour - reading or writing on treadmill
  • Relax, pool, lunch, etc
  • Work on school stuff for an hour or so 
  • Walk dogs
This does not have to be done in exactly this order, though it's a good order, and in the afternoons I'm a little more flexible as Hubby will be home and might have something to do :) But in general, this will be my plan for most days. I like to get things done in the mornings, then the afternoons I can do what I want. 2 hours of dissertation work a day should have me making some progress in the next week or so, I sure hope so anyway. 

Okay, time to go exercise. I'll check back in later. 

I never got to the dreams dying part, it is not as bad as it sounds. When I first started teaching, I went to a conference at a private school here that is very famous. It is endowed by a trust from the last princess of the Hawaiian Islands. It has lots and lots of money. When I went to the conference I was completely in awe of their classrooms. They had everything; computers, smart boards, document cameras, just everything. I said that someday I wanted to teach at that school. I found out later that they also pay very, very well. It is a large school, 600 acres and over 6,000 students, but they have the money to support it. After applying for years for all kinds of positions there, I finally got hired as a summer school teacher. I was very excited about this and thought, this could be my foot in the door. I was finally teaching at my dream school, this was going to be an amazing summer. Hmmmm..... Flash back about 35 years ago. I got my first real job at Prudential Insurance, which was the largest insurance company in the world at that time. I enjoyed the office I worked in, but quickly discovered that working in a large company had its drawbacks, like not knowing everyone even though we worked on the same floor doing the same thing. I do not do well with people I don't know, so that is not a good environment for me. After that I worked at small companies and found that much more to my liking. I like being able to know everyone, even if I don't know them well, at least I know who they are and they know me. I ended up at a large company again, later, and found the same issues. The office I worked in was great, but I did not even know the people in the next office. Not fun. In the intervening years, I have mostly stuck to small companies, with a few years at big places to reinforce my hate of them. Fast forward to this summer. What made me think I would enjoy working at a large school is completely beyond me. The first couple of days they had my email wrong so I couldn't access any of the programs I needed to. In an ironic twist that still baffles me, the preeminent Hawaiian school spelled my Hawaiian last name wrong... {eye roll}..... That took 2 days to straighten out because there was not one person I could go to. I told the summer school person, who told the IT person, who had to contact some tech person, who had to call someone else, ugh!!!! Large companies!!!!!! Then no one explained how to work anything, I had to figure it all out for myself. Then I discover that the grades have to be entered into one program; a file saved and uploaded to another program. And the final grades have to be entered into a third program by hand. WTF??? This is one of the richest schools on the island and they have this archaic grading program. OMG!!!!

In the first classroom I was assigned to, I could not get the ac to work. I asked the lab assistant (they have a lab assistant - that is cool), she couldn't do it. I asked the head of the summer school, he couldn't do it. I asked the teacher whose classroom it was, she couldn't do it. They tried to get someone to fix it, only to discover they had no one who could work on it. After 3 days they had to move me to another classroom. Unreal. And there was just a whole bunch of little things like that over the course of the 6 weeks. Initially I wanted to make a good impression with the hopes of being offered a regular job. After about 2 weeks I realized that I did not want to work there and just needed to get through the summer. They asked me if I would be willing to teach again next year and I said yes, but I'm not sure that is true. We will see when next summer rolls around.

My point of this story is that for easily 6 years I have been hoping and praying to get a job at this school, only to discover that where I'm at is a much better fit for me. I like working in a smaller school. I like knowing everyone and running into the principal and president in the hallways. I like knowing many, not all, of the kids. I just like smaller places better. So, after 35 years, I think I finally get it. Smaller places are the place for me.