Feel like I've fallen into a hole

For years I lived my life in the 'when'. When I start running again. When I start eating right.... When I do this.... or that....  and I hated it. I always felt like I wasn't living my life but waiting for something to happen. Then we had the accident and my whole attitude shifted. I lived in the moment. I was focused on what was going on here and now and not thinking of some ethereal thing that might or might not happen in the future. And I liked that. I was happy and content with my life. I did things that I enjoyed and I like it a whole lot. Well, gradually over the past few months, I've fallen into old habits. I make plans and then wait for them to happen. For example, I opened a Kohl's card on Friday and spent all of Friday and most of Saturday waiting to go to Kohl's to use it. I did it for a very specific thing but still. I spent basically 2 days waiting for one thing to happen. When it happened, did anything magically change with my life? NO. After it was over I didn't feel anything particularly special other than a little happy that I had gotten the item that I wanted. I much more enjoyed life when I lived in the moment. How do I get back to that again? How do I focus on right now and not the future? How do I make plans without getting so invested in them that's all I think about. How??? How????

So here's the deal, I'm taking my life back. I know how I want to live and I'm going to do it. I'm tired of waiting for something to happen that is never going to make me happy. I need to make myself happy and I can do that by doing the things that make me feel good and are good for me. So that's it. I'm done. One of the main things I'm going to do is withdraw from social media. I will look at it, but I look at it so much now that I never see anything new. Done with that. Seriously. And I'm not spending hours at my computer unless I'm actively working on something. I hate that, yet I do it constantly. Done, done, done. Time to take my life back and make it what I want it to be.

Time to do something again?

I'm feeling the need to do something athletic again. I have gone over a year with no real driving athletic goals. That is the longest I have gone in a long, long time without doing something athletic. I think it might be time to consider doing something again. But what?

Well, I just registered for the Laveen Turkey Trot a 5k around the park we walk in on the weekends. Hmmmm.......

I have been thinking about the gym lately too. I think it's time to get back to it. I don't want to go crazy, though I do have a desire to do Crossfit once in a while, I need to do something. I liked when I was doing races. I wonder if I can run anymore. Maybe I could run/walk. Time to give it a go I think. I've sat around for long enough, it's time to get moving again. I'm not going to run every day or go great distances, though I would like to do a marathon again, but I can run a little and maybe do some small races locally. I really enjoyed when I did that.

Okay, time to get moving again.

Be careful where you step.......

it could be a trap.  I'll get to that in a second, but first, let's get caught up.

Since my last post, things have been going fairly well. I have been exceeding 10,000 steps most days. I'm keeping up to date on my school work. I've been meditating every day for the past 15 days - yay me!!!!  And sleep had been good. Now food is another issue, but I've also been working on not beating myself up for decisions made. I choose to eat everything I put in my mouth and while I should be making better choices, I'm also okay with getting other things in line first and then working on food. If I have everything else in place, then I can focus on food and not be distracted by other things. So I'm doing well and happy with where I am.

One thing that has happened though is I've fallen into the video game trap. I found a simulation game that I really, really like. I've been playing it a lot and spending money on it. UGH!!!  This bothers me. A. Lot. I got so caught up in the game I spent almost $80 in one sitting. That pisses me off because I don't want to spend money like that on a game and I didn't realize that I was spending that much. So that has to end. I can only spend $10 a week on that stupid game - but I really do like it.

Other than that, things really are going well. I'm working on getting the money situated and that's going well (except for that $80 on video games). I've made the money situation kind of a game and that is helping keep me on track. Mavy has started his training again, so that's good for him. And everything else is all good. Nothing much to say.

Forward Progress

I have finally reached the end of the tunnel. Volleyball is over and I am now free 4th periods Monday and Wednesday and Tuesday and Thursday nights. Yay!!!!  Last Thursday night was our last game and I could not be happier. While I greatly enjoyed doing it, and I will be doing it again, I am so glad that it is over. From now until next year, I want to watch lots of volleyball and learn more about coaching it. I think I can do that and be much more effective next year. With that being done, I am now free to pursue the life I want - like I talked about in the last post. Unfortunately, I woke with a head cold on Friday - ugh!!!!!  Plus, I worked all day Friday at school to catch up on all the work I had fallen behind on because of volleyball. Then Friday night we had an event at school that I had agreed to help with, so I was there until 8:30pm.  Woke up this morning with nothing but RunBuddy on my schedule. How nice!!! We went out for a bit after RunBuddy just to get out of the house. We went to Costco and had lunch at Islands, then a little shopping at HobbyLobby. After that, it was home and some downtime on the couch. A nice relaxing day with nothing pressuring me and hanging over my head. But I ate and drank with abandon and I didn't walk at all. I have also not been meditating. That has got to change, but not tonight :)

Completely out of control

What is it with me and free time? I had last week off and things literally spiralled completely out of control. I've lost track of the finances, the things I need to do, everything. I don't like this, I don't like it at all. And it has to change right here and now. I got up over an hour ago (that would be 3:45 am) because all these things were running through my head and I couldn't sleep. So I got up to try and handle them. I did take care of a couple of things, but more importantly I realized that things are too far out of control. I need to get them back in check and I need to do that now.

I was feeling this way a little bit last night. I came home and fell asleep in my chair. Granted it was the first day back after break and I was tired. But I had shit I wanted to do. And I did none of it!!! Ugh!!!.. Seriously. No more. There are things I want to do and sleeping in my chair is not accomplishing that. So I need to revamp my whole life. Right now, I go to school, come home and jump on the computer. I have to stop that. I do like to relax when I come home, but the computer becomes a time suck that I can't get away from. I don't like that. But I need to check things on the computer. So I need to find a way to balance that. Maybe that add-on that cuts you off after a while. Or I could only look at Facebook on my phone - I hate that. Hmm...but something needs to change and it needs to change today. Right. Now.

Update:  Listening to the AltShift podcast was really well timed today. It was all about making things just a part of your life and not fitting them in. For example, do you ever wonder how you will fit a shower into your work day? Of course not. Showering is so much a part of your life that you do it and make sure you do it every single day. I was thinking this morning that I needed to define what I wanted because of the way things are going now. I have priorities but I haven't internalized those reasons. I say that I want to be healthy and I want to feel like I did last May, but I haven't completely bought into that. I haven't been willing to make it as much a part of my life as showering is. The same with training Mavy. I know the kind of dog I want, but I'm not willing to make it a complete part of my life and put the effort in that will make him that kind of dog. I guess, in a way, I was spoiled by Bella. She was such an easy dog and I keep thinking if I just wait he will ge that way too. Well, he is not that kind of dog. He is more like Axl. He is going to need constant training and reinforcement in order to be the kind of dog I want. I can do it, I just need to make it part of my life. Like I shower every morning, I walk to and from work, I train Mavy every night. That's it. Not rocket science. Just making time for priorities. And I am over social media. I spend far, far too much time on Facebook. I need to cut that cord now. I am going to set a time for 10 minutes whenever I go on Facebook and when the timer goes off, I'm out. Unless I'm looking for something, like in a group or something.

At the end of the day I'm always tired. But I have a choice at that point. I can take a nap or I can do something. On nights I have volleyball, I don't fall asleep and I make it through the night just fine. In fact, when I get home I have more energy then if I come straight home from school. When I come home from school I sit at my desk, scroll Facebook, and end up falling asleep. No more. Time for a change. One of the easiest ways to break a habit is to change a routine. So it's time to change the routine. It will be tough at first, but I know that I will feel better if I do it. So I will. The things that I want to do need to just become a part of my life and not something I have to do. 

Here it is Thursday

and I do not have my shit together yet. I did well on Monday, though I didn't make 10,000 steps, but on Tuesday it all fell apart.  We had a volleyball game in Parker, AZ which is exactly 156 miles from Phoenix. According to Google maps it takes 2 hours and 30 minutes to get there. Factor in a stop or two along the way and boom, 3 hours later we are arriving at our destination or home depending on which way we are going. Even though I knew about this game all year, I did not plan for it. We had to get on the bus at 12:30 so I did not get my steps in that day. And we were on the bus for 6 hours and I did not plan for food. WTF was I thinking?  Actually, I wasn't thinking. So I ended up eating chicken salad sandwiches - with the bread - which might explain my inability to poop yesterday, as well as candy. Far, far too much candy. Then we did not home until 11 pm and yesterday I had to get up super early to go to the dentist - that was fun and a whole nother story. So I was really tired all day and felt like having beer. So we went to lunch where I had not only beer (lots, more than normal) but burgers with the bun. UGH!!!!  Oh, and let's not forget the milkshake for dessert. So it's no wonder that I felt all backed up - I was. But today is a new day and I have a new attitude and things will be different today.

I do not like the way I feel and I know exactly what to do to feel better. So why not just do it? I can say no to things. No one has forced me to eat candy or milkshakes. I am in control at all times. Time to start using my mindfulness again and get back on track. Starting right now.

Hard to take the leap

After my last post I was absolutely convinced that I was going to just jump on the AltShift thing. I had decided that $1,000 was not too much for my health and I was in. But all weekend I never sent the text that would start it. Everytime I thought about it, I had some excuse not to. And they were ridiculous excuses. But the more I thought about it, the more I seconded guessed myself. I know what to do and it's not that hard. I just need to do it. I did it for months and felt amazing, so it's not like it even makes me feel bad. Yes, the support would be amazing, but do I really need $1,000 worth of support? Will I need it forever? Will I reach a point where I can do it all by myself? Am I at that point already, but I've never given it a serious go? So I'm giving myself this week to get my act together. I know exactly what I need to do; walk, meditate, put foods in the right shift, and sleep. That's it. That's all I need to do. I can do that with my eyes closed. I will give myself this week. If, by the end of the week, I have not gotten my shit together, I will pay the money and join the group. But honestly, I know enough that I think I can do this on my own. So today will be Day 1.