27 August 2015

Day 2

Unfortunately, this is going to become a bit of a diary it looks like. I really have reached the end of my rope and I need a place to work this all out, so looks like this will be it. So last night I joined 24 hour fitness. Not sure if that was a smart thing or not. Right now I am not that motivated to work out because of the foot - or the excuse de jour - but my thinking was I can at least use the elliptical which provide a fabulous cardio workout without hurting my foot. Not sure exactly when I'm going to do this, but it is there when I am ready. I'm thinking of going Friday on my way home from work. Hubby works Friday nights so there is no need to rush home. After that, who knows.......

Here is part of the problem. I impose this demands on myself and then when I don't meet them I feel bad. For example, walking the dogs. I want to walk the dogs, I do. I love walking the dogs. It's usually quiet and peaceful, I listen to my book and it's just me and the pups. Really, really love it. But, in my mind, I've got to walk them before 5 pm so I don't run into any other dogs at all. Now that is kind of silly. The college where I walk them is a huge place and I can see other dogs from quite a distance away, which usually allows me the ability to take a slight detour to avoid them. Yes, going after 5 makes it a little more stressful, but it is not that hard. I used to go after 5 all the time. I stopped because it bothered me. That is not fair to the dogs. Besides, if I wait until 5, I can come home and relax a little before I go. I'm usually tired when I get home, but a dip in the pool and some time to decompress and I'm usually good to go again. So when I don't walk the dogs because it has gotten too late I am just making excuses and that has to stop.

Last week I started walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I committed to 15 minutes in the morning, that seemed like a reasonable amount of time and I just wanted to get into the habit of doing it. I have done it every morning this week except for Monday and it is quickly becoming a habit. Early morning exercise puts me in a good mood. Helps me think clearer. Wakes my brain up faster than coffee. And just generally feels good. Right now I have been on for 19 minutes while I type this. I did not set out to stay on this long, I just keep walking as I type.

Okay, I'm starting to feel better and a plan is beginning to formulate in my brain. I need to force myself to do things in the beginning when they are not enjoyable, until they become enjoyable. I'm feeling better about things now, so I guess I need to go start my day. I have to remember at all times that I am strong. I am in control. I make the decisions. I am powerful.

26 August 2015

8/26/15 @ 6:45 am

That is when everything changed. Something snapped in me this morning and I'm not sure exactly how this is going to play out. For months I've been whining about needing to lose weight and working out again, etc. Yet, I've been doing the same old thing. Sitting on my butt in front of the computer and eating whatever the hell I feel like. How the hell can I expect things to change when I keep doing the same thing. It all hit me this morning. I just can't do this anymore. I'm over it. Where exactly to go from here? I need a huge change, a major upset. I need to turn everything on its head and just start over. Mostly I need to stop making excuses for myself. I have a lot to do but guess what, so do other people. I just need to want it bad enough. Okay, I'm done.

25 August 2015

My life is a ......

Seriously. I like to think I don't deal in drama, but I think I create the drama for myself. I'm not sure that even made sense. I don't get involved in external drama, but I will create much internal drama. I will create situations where I am putting great stress on myself. For example, my dissertation. I have not looked at it in over a month. I should have been working on it. I should quit talking about it and do something about it. But do I? Noooooooo...... I'm getting so very tired of myself. Seriously....... I need to take control, really take control and not just talk about it. I need to work on everything. I need to stop this complete nonsense. I need to get off the roller coaster.

23 August 2015


I've learned a lot of things in the past couple of years. One thing I've learned above all else, is that avoiding something rarely works. Avoiding something does not prevent it from happening, and it usually makes it far, far worse. Facing things head on is usually the best way to go. So generally I try to just face things. Sometimes I have to work up the courage only to find out it was much simpler than I thought. Usually. This is something I have to relearn over and over again. Although I am getting better at it, I still tend to avoid things that are unpleasant. The last couple of weeks, I've been working on facing all kinds of stuff in my life. Catching up on what I was behind on and working to be present and current in my life. Well, one thing that I have been avoiding big time is my proposal. I've been able to justify my avoidance due to it not having been approved yet, and why work on it when I'm just waiting. But that is a really poor excuse. I should be working on it every day so that I'm ready to go when the approval is given. Also, and I've said this before, all our plans hinge on this thing. I need to get it done in order for us to move forward in our dreams. Ugh!!! So, like everything else in my life I just need to face it. Today I have a bunch of grading to do, but that should not take me too terribly long. After that I'm digging out my proposal and beginning work on it. I think I'll start with the lit review as I think that will help guide the rest of it. I'm not sure, but I need to just dig in and go. Facing demons are never as bad as they seem.

21 August 2015

Time for a new plan, or a plan of any type

I haven't really had a goal or a specific plan. Yes, I wrote about how I wanted to lose 10 lbs by Labor Day. Well, here we are 2 weeks closer and I'm actually 1 lb heavier. Not a good way to reach my goals. I realized that for me at least, I need to have some activity goal built in. I have never been super successful at losing weight with just a weight loss goal. It had to be tied to some sort of fitness goal too. This occurred to me as I was falling asleep last night and it caused me to wake up and dwell on it for a while. I have signed up for the Great Aloha Run in February. Pre-Crossfit, I did this run for about 12 years straight. Some years I ran, some years I walked, the point was I always did it. It was something that was a stable in my life and something that helped keep me on track because I knew it was coming. Therefore, I couldn't just throw my fitness to the wind, at least not for long. The Great Aloha Run is almost six months to the day from today. I would very much like to run it, even if I run slow. If I run 12 minute miles, I can finish in a little over an hour and a half. I would totally take that. That means a couple of things have to happen. I need to walk for more than 15 minutes at a time and I need to start running. I just found a plan that will help me train for 10 mile race in 10 weeks. The Great Aloha Run is not 10 miles it is only 8.25 miles so training for a 10 miler will be good. That means I have to start that program by the beginning of December. Which means I have about 10 weeks to work up to running. I have to do this carefully because I still have the plantar fascitis problem. I could do couch to 5k, very, very slowly. But will that not irritate my foot? Should I get new shoes? Should I consider new orthotics? What should I do????? I will think about it today and try to come up with a plan.

Today I have a lot I want to accomplish. I cannot run the risk that I will get caught up in planning and lose the whole day. I've printed out the running plans and I'm putting them aside so I can get my house clean. I will be back later to firm the plans up. I'm also hoping that by engaging in extended bouts of physical activity, my mind will work in the background and come up with a really good plan. Let's hope so.

20 August 2015

I am declaring success

The first 3 days of this week, I got up and walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. It did not kill me. My feet were fine all day and I actually think it started to give me more energy. Nice!!! I should back up a little, because in order to have time in the morning to walk on the treadmill, I had to get things ready the night before. So for three nights I packed my lunch and cooked our breakfast and I got up on time, and sometimes early. I then would get up, make coffee, and prep the bird food. By then I was generally awake enough to walk on the treadmill. I have my small computer on the treadmill so I can do something while walking. I don't get much done, but it definitely helps time pass quickly. Naturally my mind immediately starts to up the ante. I start thinking that I could add more time, maybe do some short aerobics, maybe add some weights...etc.... I think I will leave it at 15 minutes for now. I would like to get 3 solid weeks under my belt before I start upping things. Once I have walked every day for 15 minutes for 3 weeks, I will then consider upping it. Maybe add 10 minutes or maybe even switch to a 20 minute workout. We will see. For now I am very happy and declare this week a success.

17 August 2015

Starting slow

Got up about 10 minutes later than I planned this morning. But since I had prepared everything last night, I was ready to workout at 5:30. The thought of doing aerobics at that time was kind of soul crushing.  Did not want ro do that. Plus I woke this morning and my foot hurt. Hmmmm...Time to rethink things. So I decided to hop on the treadmill for 15 minutes. I'm not used to working out in the morning and I will have to get back into the routine. So I thought 15 minutes was a great start. I will do 15 minutes every morning this week. I think starting slower then I think I should will help me adjust quicker.  Ojay, this is being written on my tablet, need to get going.