21 November 2014


It is almost 6:30 pm and I am declaring this day a success. I did exactly what I said I would do this morning. I did not eat until 10:30 when I had a salad. At 1:45 pm I had a banana, and after school I had some hummus and veggies. Then, even though I did not feel like it at all, I forced myself to go to Crossfit. It was just as brutal as I thought it would be. But I got through it. After I went to Blazin' Steaks and got my kim chee steak with no rice. I rock the house. I logged everything I ate and was still under my calories. I am awesome.

The problem is I still don't have any motivation. I ate well because that was all I had. I really had to force myself to go to Crossfit. I did not have a good time at all. I also did not get the high I normally get from a good WOD. Don't know where my motivation is and I don't know how to get it back. I need to do that. What is that saying, fake it until you feel it...well, that's what I'll be doing for the foreseeable future.


Woke up this morning not feeling as motivated as I had hoped I would be. But that doesn't matter. I am going to succeed today. I am going to make it a great day and I am going to feel amazing at the end of it.

The plan for today:
  • No real breakfast. I have food to eat if I get hungry, but no formal breakfast today. 
  • I have a Starbucks salad for lunch, not the best choice but it will work for me today. 
  • Crossfit at 4 pm, no excuses!!!!
  • Dinner will be steak from the steak place, no rice. 
  • Water, water, water, water.  I want to spend the day running to the bathroom. 

I want to lose this feeling of fatness. I feel so soft and squishy and I don't like it. Today will be a huge success. Tomorrow I will be going out to lunch, but I will plan for that later. Today I am motivated. Today I am strong. Today I will succeed!!!!!!!!!

20 November 2014

Taking responsibility

So that new start last weekend didn't go so well. Monday night I had a dinner meeting and ended up drinking beer and eating fried crap. Tuesday I was exhausted. Wednesday I was pretty tired too. Today, yeah, you get the idea. Tanked by one night. I wanted to take a day off all week, but am trying to save my time for January. So I've battled through it. But my eating and non-working out has been the result. I'm trying to remember if I've eaten a lot of crap and I don't think I did.

So I need to stand up and take responsibility. I need to track my food. All of my food. Every day. I need to get my saggy butt back to crossfit and get back into the groove of working out. I need to walk my dogs. I need to eat right. I need to stop letting one meal torpedo an entire weekend or week. I need to stop eating sugar and wheat. I need to take responsibility for my actions.

Okay, whew...now that I've blown my stack...let's get a plan.... Starting tomorrow I will track my food. All of my food. I will shoot for 1500 calories a day but will not lose my mind if I go over that. I will drink water like it's my job (another thing I have been falling down on) and I will workout. Maybe I should go back to my just one day.

For just one day I will:

  • track everything I eat
  • drink 2 flasks of water
  • eat no sugar or wheat
  • go to Crossfit

Just one day is all I ask. Just one day. Tomorrow is that day.

16 November 2014

Time for a new beginning

I love new beginnings. I love new starts. Fresh pages. Unlimited futures. Most of the really good things that happened in my life is because of new start. What is that song? Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. It's true. To start something new, you have to let go of something old. So today I'm letting go of some old thoughts and habits. I'm embracing the new day and the chance to change things.

Today begins with a beating at Crossfit because I AM a Crossfitter. 9 am is the WOD. At 10 am there is a handstand clinic and since I desire to do a handstand push-up, I'm going. After that is the Weekend Warrior. I am doing all these things because I AM an athlete. I do these kind of things.

There will also be no sugar or wheat for the next week. I can do this. I have done this before, it is easy. So I am doing it again. Healthy, nutritious food only.

Mornings will start with writing. Starting tomorrow I begin my writing adventure. Every morning 30 minutes of writing will happen. Looking forward to that.

I AM an Athlete! I AM a Scholar! I AM a doctoral student!!

15 November 2014

Becoming Me

I feel like there are some things that people go through early in life that I never went through. I don't know why or even if it's true, but that is how it feels.

I heard this saying today and I thought it was really powerful. I tend to use words that are not positive. I tend to say I am lazy, I am tired, I am lazy. I say lazy a lot. I need to stop saying that and start saying positive things. I am smart. I am energized. I am motivated. I am.............

Need to get a hold of the eating too. I am a person who eats healthy food. I am a person who does not eat sweets..... I am..........

I need to go to bed......

Paradigm Shift

par·a·digm shift
a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions.

Most of my life I have been an instant gratification type of person. I gave little thought about the future and just did what I wanted to do. Not a good way to live. Over the last few years, I've been shifting my way of doing things, but it is not easy and it is not perfect. But I am trying. Now I am at a point where I have to make a huge paradigm shift if I wish to live the way I want to. Let's examine this.

I am approximately 18 months from completing my Ph.D. In order to make that happen, I have got to be consistent, diligent, and organized. I have to write, write, write. All of the suggestions by people who have completed a Ph.D. say to write everyday, even if it's only for 15 minutes, write every single day. Don't break the chain. That is not something I have been doing. I tend not to do school work during the week and save it all for the weekend. I have to break that habit. I have to have a paradigm shift. I have to make time everyday to write. I have to!!!

Unfortunately there are other things I need to do with my days. I have to work. I have to do somethings around the house. I have to sleep. I have to write. There are also things that I want to do. I want to go to Crossfit. I want to walk the dogs. I want to watch some TV and spend time with my husband. I have to find a way to balance what I have to do and I what I want to do. This requires a shift in some of my ways of thinking. I am stuck in the mindset that I have to leave my house before 6:30 am to get to work. That is not true. If I leave at 6:30 am, I can usually be to work by 7:00 am - that's a half hour early. I like getting there early, but most times I have nothing to do and I sit and cruise Facebook. So leaving at 6:45 am would not be the end of the world. I'm up by 5:00 am, so that means I don't have to leave for an hour and 45 minutes. A shower takes 20 minutes. Feeding the birds takes 10 minutes. Getting everything ready can be done in 10 minutes. That still leaves me over an hour of time. Much of which is spent on my phone checking emails and Facebook. Ugh!!! When examined closely, I'm sure not as busy as I think I am in the mornings. So I have at least an hour to write in the morning.

Let's look at the afternoons. I leave work at 3:30 pm and am home by 4 pm. I go to the 4 pm Crossfit and am home by 5:15 pm. I walk the dogs from 5:30 to 6:30 ish. Then dinner, clean the kitchen and prep for the next day, relax for a bit and in bed by 9 - 9:30 pm.

So what about this:

5:00 - 5:15 coffee, bird food, etc.
5:15 - 5:45 Write
5:45 - 6:15 - get ready
6:30 - leave

4:00pm - Crossfit
5:30 - 6:45 - walk dogs
7:00 - dinner
7:30 - 8:30 - clean kitchen, prep for next day
8:30 - 9:30 - relax, look over next day

This is totally not that hard. But it will involve a shift in thinking on my part. First, that I can't do anything in the morning because I'm too busy. Second, that leaving the house at 6:30 or a little later is the end of the world. Third, that walking the dogs in the dark is bad (this won't last long). Fourth, that prepping for the next day takes too much time. Fifth, being lazy and tired. I just have to suck it up and do it.

This will also require me to be very motivated and productive at school during the day and to utilize my weekends productively. It totally can be done. People do it all the time. I just have to shift my thinking and not focus on what I want now but on the ultimate prize.

Okay, let's get this done.

09 November 2014

Determination and seeing old habits

I have kicked some nasty habits in my time. I quit drugs. I quit smoking. I quit binge eating. Yes, some are worse than others but they were all just habits that I needed to change. Quitting drugs and smoking was tough, but honestly not as bad as beating binge eating. I could make sure that I didn't have drugs or cigarettes around, but there was always food in the house. And binge eating was a very unconscious thing. Smoking was unconscious also, but with no cigarettes around it wasn't an issue. So binge eating was my toughest habit to kick so far. At first I did it so unconsciously that I did not even realize it was happening until it was over. When I decided it needed to go, I started to notice it as it was happening. I still couldn't stop it, but at least I was aware it was happening. Over time I gradually started to notice it earlier and earlier. Eventually I was able to notice it before I did it and was able to stop it. Now I haven't had a binge episode in years. I have eaten more than I should, but never a binge.

Well, when I realized a couple of weeks ago the self imposed stress I was under, I also realized that it was tied to my lack of activity and crappy eating. I've been working to clean up both, but it hasn't been perfect. This weekend I had a huge project due for one of my classes. I knew this project was due, I've known for 10 weeks that it was due. I was supposed to have been working on it for the past 10 weeks. Have I been? NO. I finally started working on it this week and really started to cram it last night. I've spent the entire day working on this project and I finally turned it in about an hour ago. It is not my best work by far, but it is what it is. What I noticed though is that my eating has been pretty bad since about Wednesday. As I got closer and closer to the deadline, my eating deteriorated. On Friday night, I felt like pasta so I got mac and cheese and cookies and ice cream and I ate them all. Yesterday I had to proctor in the morning and I ate crap for breakfast and snacks and came home and had cookies for lunch. I had a pretty decent dinner because by the time I was starting to tackle this project. My eating was directly tied to my stress over this project. Directly!!!! I sat here this morning munching on Cheetos and that was when I realized it. I said to myself, "I don't even really like these" and then replied "It's because of this stupid video" and it hit. That's what was going on. I bet that if I tracked my eating compared to my stress levels I would find a direct correlation.

My post last night was a direct result of not making the connection. But now I have made a connection and knowledge is power. I am going to do a couple of things this week. First I will track my food and make note of my stress levels. I will record the things that are eating at me and the things I am eating. I will also try very, very hard to reduce those stress levels. I will do some work every night, because I have a huge project due next Saturday. I have some money concerns but I have some work arounds, so no need to stress over that. Everything else is good. I just need to be aware. Awareness is the first thing. Once I'm aware, then I can change behaviors.

So I'm feeling much better today. I have completed my assignments and I've made a breakthrough in my eating habits. I'm very happy. This week I will work on both. Knowledge really is power and now that I have the knowledge, I have the power to change.

08 November 2014

Not sure what to do

So I have been trying to get my eating and working out under control and I do not seem to be making any progress. In fact, I feel worse today than I have all week. Of course, I have not been as 'good' as I should. I've had dessert more days than not. I have missed dinner more nights than I care to think. I just cannot seem to get it under control. I'm not sure what to do. Of course, Magnum ice cream and lemon bars are not going to help at all. I need to get my act together and I need to do it now. How do I do that?

03 November 2014

Change of direction

The past couple of months have been a huge struggle. I fully blame my association with SFS. I believe that place is so toxic that it affected me for months after I left. Things have been rough for a long time before I left, I just didn't realize what the cause was. So my new position has been an adjustment because of the positive attitude and people. I made a mistake here and waited for the hammer to drop. It never did. Everyone was like, oh well, fix it and move on. At the old place I would have been beaten over the head with it, or my mistake would have inspired some large, random change to procedures. Oh, yeah, and here they didn't assume I was out to get the kid involved, they assumed it was an honest mistake. Which it was. Anyway, I kept waiting to get in trouble and it never happened. I think that was the real turning point. I realized that I was at a much better place, that I was treated as a professional, and that I was respected. That realization was the catalyst for cleaning up other areas of my life. So last weekend, when I got everything at home in order, I relaxed in my eating. My eating became better, I did not crave sweets and starches because I had reduced the stress, but I wasn't really paying attention. I did however log my food for most of the week. Being in control of other areas of my life, I can track and not become obsessed over the numbers. I did notice that my calories were hoovering right around 2000 a day. Hmmm.... I felt pretty good, but sometimes like I was eating too much. Then this morning I got on the scale. I saw a number I have not seen in 15 years or more. I can't even write it down here. What I do know is that I have got to change directions or this will get worse. So I need to change things up. I'm going to reduce my calories to 1500. I'm also swearing off sugar and wheat. I'm going to allow one day a week of sugar and wheat, but otherwise no. A modified carb cycling. Also, Crossfit, Crossfit, Crossfit. Have to go. I think this will work out well. I just need to get a handle on things. Whew, glad I caught it in time.