16 July 2016

Some soul searching

I joined this group on Facebook, the Hugs and Bacon Tribe. It is run by this guy who is kind of a big deal in paleo - The Civilized Caveman. The group though is about more than eating or diet. It is about finding your best self. About discovering what is holding you back and moving through it. About being positive and making progress no matter how small. I had just decided, earlier this week, that I needed to take a couple of steps back. The things I was trying to do was too much, too soon. I needed to go back to the beginning and take baby steps. That was when I found the group. Timing really is everything. The first thing he had us do is make a calendar and pick one new habit for the month. We also had to come up with a positive affirmation statement to say to ourselves all the time. So I picked the habit of walking in the morning and yoga in the afternoon. My affirmation statement is; I am a strong, motivated, and confident woman. I did well with both of these things for 2 days and then yesterday it all fell apart. I didn't workout at all. I never even looked at my affirmation statement, in fact when asked for it last night I actually had to look at my calendar because I couldn't remember it. Needless to say, I felt like a failure. Then the guy who runs it did a live cast and covered just these type of things. How we need to be authentic and real. How breaking old mindsets and patterns is not going to be easy and will bring up all kinds of stuff. Once again, it was just what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. So I fessed up about yesterday and forgave myself for it. Then on my walk this morning, I tried to figure out why I do the things I do. Why do I self-sabotage myself all the time? I should explain that when I wrote my affirmation, I thought I was taking the easy way out by saying the things I said. I am strong, I know that and freely admit it. Motivation I struggle with, but I figure if I said it everyday it would become self-fulfilling. The confident??? When I wrote the statement, I thought that I was confident. Sure. Well, on my walk today I realized that I'm not confident at all. I second guess every decision I make. I feel like I'm an imposer in most areas of my life. I don't feel like I'm qualified to teach chemistry, let alone AP. I don't believe that I have the skills and knowledge to write a dissertation. Who am I fooling?? That's when it hit me. That affirmation was a sneaky mind trick I played on myself. I am not confident. At least not all the time. And so much of my confidence and self esteem is tied into my weight. I am fat and so feel like a failure and therefore not confident. I AM NOT A FAILURE!! Just because I let life get to me and I lost my focus on my health, does not make me a failure. It makes me human. But the good thing is, as long as I'm still breathing I have the ability to change things up. And change things up I will. Starting today. I have always said that knowing the problem is half the battle, and now I know the problem. So the first thing that is happening is the dialogue in my head needs to change. I am going to run the 'I am confident' tape constantly. When I run into something I don't understand or am having trouble with, I will say ' I don't understand this, YET!' I will not fall into negative thoughts and patterns. I'm smart. I know what I'm doing and I just need to learn to have faith in that.

I am a strong, motivated, and CONFIDENT woman.

15 July 2016

This is killing me.......

We were supposed to close on the house on Wednesday, but that didn't happen. Due to having to pay some things off and frankly me dragging my feet, we are now waiting. Waiting. Waiting....it is killing me. I woke this morning with such a positive attitude, I was sure that something good was going to happen today. The pins and needles waiting to find out if it will go through.....ugh....it is killing me...... Then this morning the taxes came up....I was hoping that would just slide under the radar but it didn't. They only know about 2015, now I have to pray they don't find out about the other years......ugh......please, please, please make this happen. I will be the best person ever!!! I will pay all my taxes and never go into debt again and be the best person I can possibly be. Oh please, please, please...... I can't stand this waiting. I'm on pins and needles and it is going to be a long, long weekend. Trying to keep a positive attitude and keep my thoughts positive. I do believe in positivity, but it is getting harder and harder to keep it up.

11 July 2016

A ghost town

Today we went here. It was really cool. We walked and walked and walked and then took the train around. It was really a lot of fun. Plus there was some beautiful artwork there that I want to go back for once we move. Very cool.

So since the 4th, things have fallen into a kind of rhythm. I get up in the morning and go for a walk/run. Then I get Hubby up and we take the dogs to the dog park. After an hour or so, we come home and jump in the pool before breakfast. The days after that have been pretty lazy. On Sunday we never even left the house and I took 2 naps. Realizing that we can't spend the next 2 weeks or so that way, I have made a list of things to do. We will be doing something every day. Today was the first one and the ghost town won out. Of course, that will be hard to top.

I have been getting my steps in and that is awesome. I've also completed the first week of couch to 5k and I'm very proud of myself. Food has not been great. I need to get a handle on that and I'm not sure what is causing the lapse. It may be partly do to the boredom factor, which is what I'm trying to alleviate with my list of things to do.

Otherwise, life is good. I'm loving living in Arizona and it's weird to think that I live here now. Definitely getting used to this.

04 July 2016

Independence Day

It's the 4th of July and normally I would be looking forward to the day off. But since I've had days off for the past month, it is basically just another day. Also the fact that we are in our rental and unemployed - technically :) Anyway, all is good. We are going to see our house today and I'm very excited about that. Can't wait to see what it looks like.

I have taken walks the last 2 mornings and it is awesome. It feels so good to be up and moving again. I got up at 5 am this morning. Took the dogs for a 20ish minute walk, then took myself on a 40ish minute walk. I was back before 7 am and it just felt good. In fact, it felt so good I was tempted to do some run intervals, but I refrained and just kept it to walking. Maybe tomorrow I'll jog a little.

Day 3 of 5s AltShift and I feel really good again. I'm still fat, but at least I don't feel tired and sluggish and generally run down. I just feel good. Yay!!! I know it will take time, but I'm okay with that as long as I feel good. My quote yesterday is rather appropriate for this whole journey. Instead of looking at the big picture, I need to look at the small picture, the little steps, that will get me where I want to be. Much like Crossfit with a chipper workout. I never focused on the fact that I had to do 150 wallballs, I looked at them 10 at a time. That's how I have to focus on this, one day at a time, one meal at a time. That really works for me.

Okay, another good day is on the horizon. Nothing earth shattering, but a good day indeed.

03 July 2016

Time for a new start

Okay, it's been a week since I last posted, time to play catch up. We checked in the Paradise Bay Resort and had a really nice two days. The room was great and the dogs took it really well. Oh, I should probably note that we ended up putting Axl down on Saturday, June 25th, when blood was literally pouring out of his penis most of the day. It was heart breaking but necessary. So when we moved to the hotel it was just Bella and Lola. So the 2 days there were good and then on Monday we checked out. I took my car to be shipped and we spent the day at Eddie's waiting for our flight. Before the shuttle picked us up, we got a text from United that our flight had been delayed 1.5 hours. Ugh!!! So we delayed the shuttle a little bit. We got to United Cargo around 7:30 pm and started the process of checking in the dogs. That took awhile and then we discover that our card won't work. Seems there was a 1 day hold on the money we deposited from the sale of the house. WTF????? That was crazy. So we called Robbie and she covered the cost on her card. Ugh!!! Then, while at the Cargo place, we get a text that our flight is delayed another hour. WTF??? WE ended up not taking off until 1:45 am, a full 2 hours and 45 minutes after our scheduled departure. I guess I really can't complain though, the flight before us was cancelled completely. So I should be thankful that we at least got off. The whole way here, I'm trying to figure out what to do about the rental van. We had a van in SFO but without money in the account, we weren't going to get it. Luckily by the time we landed the money was available. Whew.

Then it was 4 days on the road with 2 dogs and a bird. We quickly learned that traveling is not Lil Lols favorite thing, but she survived. Bella on the other hand, is a champ at traveling. She took everything in stride and was excited for whatever we were doing. We stayed in South San Francisco on Tuesday, we decided that after an all night plane flight we should just rest. That was a good call. On Wednesday we drove down and spent the day with Jennifer and the kids. That was really fun. Her kids are pretty cool and I think we got along really well. On Thursday we drove down to San Bernadino and stayed there for the night. What a freaking joke that place was. We pull up to our room to find 3 guys drinking beer and smoking pot outside. Awesome!!!! But it was only for 1 night so we managed. Then on Friday we hit the road for Phoenix. We got to our rental house about 3 pm, dumped everything off, went and did some basic grocery shopping and jumped in the pool. I love having a pool. It is now Sunday and we are settled into the rental for a while. The dogs are all calming down and things are going well.

As for the house, things are still on track for us to purchase it. Don't know what my mortgage broker did, but she did an amazing job. So that is still going. School on the other hand has fallen way behind. I missed a discussion. I have a paper that is a week late and one due on Tuesday. So guess what I'll be doing for the next few days????

Okay, that pretty much catches us up to today. As for me, things are not going so great. I got here feeling huge. I don't know what I weigh because there is no scale here, but I am huge. I told Hubby while still on the road, that I would be starting AltShift on Saturday. I don't care about anything but losing some fat and feeling better. So I started AltShift yesterday and it went pretty well. I know it's mostly in my head, but I feel better already. I got up this morning and took the dogs for a short walk, then headed out on a 45 minute walk myself. It was hot, but it felt great. So today is day 2 of AltShift and I'm looking forward to doing a little better than yesterday. So there we are. A week in the life of me :)

24 June 2016


That's me trying to create a state of zen in a sea of chaos. So let's see what is happening 2 days after my last post.

Axl is on antibiotics and is feeling much, much better. We had pretty much decided that he would not be making the journey with us and now he's feeling a whole lot better. Ugh!!!! Of course, just because he's feeling better doesn't mean he is better. Yesterday he still wasn't peeing and pooping much. We'll see how today goes. The good news is, we can change our minds at the last minute. We are going to wait and see how he reacts to the antibiotics.

As far as the mortgage, I have no idea where that stands, but I have mentally given up on it. We have a place to stay for the month of July in AZ, so we will stay there and look for a house to rent. I'm actually kind of okay with that part. I guess because in the overall scheme of things is it not that major a set-back. I'm taking the whole no news is good news approach though :)

Tomorrow we move out of here and into the hotel for 2 days. Then we fly out on Monday. Exciting and scary at the same time. Today i need to book a rental car and hotels along the way for us to stay. We are staying in the Bay Area when we arrive on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday we are driving over to see Jennifer and stay there for the night. Then Thursday we are driving down to LA and staying outside of LA Thursday night. Finally, on Friday, we will drive into Phoenix and claim our rental house. So exciting. So much fun.

In many ways the stress has lifted. We are so close to the actual move. Things are falling into place and I think we have everything lined up for the trip. Tonight is the party at the racquet club and Hubby's last night of work. Tomorrow we have lots to do cleaning this place out and moving to the hotel. Sunday is a cruise day, then Monday we check out and wait to leave. Hurry up and wait.....

Okay, time to get this day started.

22 June 2016

Crank up the stress

Stress levels around here have been unbearable and yesterday they cranked up to insane. Axl has been having issues peeing and pooping lately. He pees a lot and strains when he does with little coming out. Same with the pooping, he strains and strains and only a little comes out. Took him to the doctor yesterday because he was dripping blood from his penis. They took some x-rays and found that something is squishing his intestines. Not sure what it is, but something is much larger than it is supposed to be and squishing everything inside him. There are a number of possibilities but the most likely candidate is the worst one - Cancer. We have to go back to the doctor today to run some more tests and try to see what is going on. This creates a whole new level of problems that I can't even begin to try and process.

Then I get an email that my mortgage person needs my mortgage information because it's not reported on my credit. They need to make sure I haven't had any 30 day late payments. Well guess what? I've been running consistently 30 days behind because I can't seem to get ahead. So I'm pretty sure that will be the end of the house. Unless we just pay cash for it, which is an option at this point.

Plus I have a discussion due that I could not possibly care less about. Ugh!!! Why did I agree to take this class, now?????? I should have taken my research forum and made a little progress rather than struggle through this monster. Plus I have the one instructor that I had trouble with in another class.

What the hell am I going to do???? How do I handle all this at once???? What the hell?????