05 February 2016

Success found in small things

The post I sat down to write was very different from what this one will be. I have been reading some blogs and was feeling like everyone is having this wonderful success and I'm not. This evening I have been feeling a little down about this whole weight loss thingee. I had some candy this afternoon and I felt like that was really horrible. Oh, I also had some banana bread at an event this morning. When I came home I ended up being lazy on the couch and then working on school work. I was getting very down on myself for eating what I did and not taking the opportunity to get some activity in. Then reading other people being very successful just made me feel worse. So I was going to write a woe is me post. Then I stopped {right here i need the sound of a scratching record}.

I had a number of successes this week. I hit my macros almost every single day. That is amazing. I had some candy and cookies but I still hit my macros most days. That is amazing and totally awesome. I did not get any activity this week. :( I'm feeling a little fat so I'm hoping coach cuts my calories a little bit this week. But if not, that's okay. I will stay the course and see what happens. It feels good to be in control of my food and not have it control me. I like that. So I'm going to view this week as a success and not beat myself up, well, that's not allowed this year anyway.

I can't help but notice that whenever I make really solid, concrete goals, I fall short. I was walking up a storm and then I made a walking goal and stopped walking. WTF???? I know that I'm afraid of failure, but not trying is the biggest failure. So this week that is my focus. I need to set goals and stick to them. I need to develop follow through. So I am going to make some SMART goals for this week.

Sensible: Maybe it's not sensible to go from 0 to 100 in one week. Maybe I should start a little slower. So I think I will work to get 1 workout a day.

Measurable: It will be considered a workout if it lasts for at least 15 minutes. So a 15 minute walk in the morning, or a short yoga session will definitely count.

Attainable: That goal is completely attainable. Being tired is not an excuse to miss my goal.

Relevant: Making exercise a priority is completely relevant to my life at this point in time.

Time based: This is for this week. I will complete a workout every day for the next 7 days.

I just logged my workouts for the week in my Passion Planner. I will stick to it. I will complete them all and I will be successful this week. I remember a time when I set workout goals and crushed them. Time to get back to that feeling.

Okay, feeling pretty positive about this month and ready to take it on.

31 January 2016

It's been one week

This is not completely true, the week wasn't that rough, just normal rough. I took Monday off because I had to take my car in only to find out that they couldn't fix it. Ugh!!!! So angry at them. But the dentist called and could squeeze me in Monday afternoon; I had an appointment scheduled for Wednesday and that would have required another day off; so I went to that and it all worked out well. The rest of the week was pretty normal. Chris came in on Wednesday for the pro-bowl, which is today. He leaves tomorrow. Other than that it has been pretty routine. Nothing spectacular, good or bad, and just normal.

One good thing that did happen is I figured out how to hit my macros. That was huge. For 5 weeks I've been working towards eating better and trying to hit them and I kept falling short. Then suddenly this week it just clicked and I started hitting them. Weird. But it's good. I have to go another week hitting them before we do anything different. At least this week will be a little easier, now that I know what I'm doing.

I'm supposed to walk 6 miles this morning. I've been delaying it because a) it's raining a little; b) I have a whole lot to do today; and c) I really just don't feel like it. But if I don't go today, I won't have a chance again until next weekend. Maybe I'll go for a shorter walk and not the full 6 miles. That would work. Maybe if I just get out there, I'll feel like doing the whole 6 miles. I have all day to get everything else done because the boys are at Pro Bowl and won't be back until 7 or 8 tonight. So I have all day to grade and write tests and if I focus, those things won't take long. And I need to go to Costco.....oh hell, I'm going for a walk.....

24 January 2016

There comes a day....

just going to leave this right here for those times when I question what I'm doing.

Sh*t just got real all up in here.......

My last post was never quite finished. I was an ongoing post all day yesterday and I just decided to publish it this morning and start a new post. Yesterday, every time something came up, I would write a little in the post. The thoughts will be ongoing for a long time, so I just decided to publish the post unfinished. Life is like that sometimes.

Yesterday afternoon, I sat down with Hubby and laid it all out for him. I tried not to influence his decision either way, just laid out the pros and cons of leaving and staying. Then asked him to think about it and let me know what he thinks. Well, last night at dinner he said he had thought about it most of the day and thought we should leave. Uhhhhhh........ I honestly was not expecting that from him. I really thought he would want to stay longer. He does want to stay until August or September. That makes it a little bit difficult as school usually starts in August, so if I was to get a teaching job I would need to be there. But then I thought, no we could make it work. I can sub for the time we remain here and when we settle on a place to live, I can sub there for a while. So this could work. But crap it's scary. I really, really thought he would say to stay longer. I was completely not expecting this at all. See, just when you think you know someone........ So that means the next few months will be busy, busy, busy. We have a ton of stuff to clear out. The carport needs to be rebuilt. We need to paint the house, inside and out, and make some minor repairs around the place. Plus there is just a ton of stuff to either dump or sell. I see many garage sales in our future. Yikes.....I'm tired just thinking about it. Our son is coming for a visit Wednesday to Monday, so nothing will happen yet. But as soon as he leaves, we need to kick it into high gear. Wow, my head is spinning a little. Things seem to be happening so quickly. They are not, I know, but once the decision is made - boom - time to move.

I hope this is the right decision. I hope we made the right choice. I hope we are doing the right thing. It is so easy to stay in one place and not change things, it is much more difficult to make a big change. I pray this is the right decision.

The quote of the day on my blog is: Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount.
Clare Boothe Luce

Wow, talk about timing.

Still waffling

I usually find, that when I have a troubling problem, if I think it through thoroughly and then walk away from it, I generally come up with a solution. So after spilling my guts last night, I watched TV, colored, and went to bed. Hoping that something would come to me. It did not. What did happen is that some additional concerns arose and were added to the mix. Hubby's social security might be garnished due to an ancient child support battle. Hubby and the ex settled the child support issue, but the f*cked up state of Cal won't let it go. So if that happens and we are still here, nothing changes and life goes on as before. If that happens and we are in the midst of a move, it might be a problem. But, if we are in the midst of a move that means we've sold the house and might have the money to just pay that off and be done. But, if we stay and let them take the social security for a while, next year the balance will be quite a bit lower and less will come out of our pocket. The social security is going to be like extra money so losing it for a while shouldn't be too great a burden. I read that they can only take 65% of the social security. He will be eligible for about $1900 so they would take $1235 leaving us an additional $700ish a month. That would not be a bad deal. We could sock that $700 away to save for the move. In 9 months we could have ~$6000 which we could use for the upfront costs of the move before we sell the house. And if they are taking $1200 a month, that will reduce our final bill by $10,000 when we do sell the house.

Yeah, we are not prepared to sell the house now. It needs a lot of work and we need to have some money set aside for the costs of the move that will come before we get the money from the house. All thing focus on this move. This move is happening and there is nothing that will stop it. Our past history shows a series of 'snap' decisions that did not turn out exactly as expected. Except for Bella, she turned out far better than expected :) And because this move is so huge. It is not like when we moved here. We just shipped the bare minimum and left everything else behind. Can't do that this time. We are older and have more stuff and the house.

22 January 2016

Money Trouble

This is something I hate to talk about. Money. I'm not good with it. I was never taught how to handle it and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. But over the years I've learned to be okay with it. Still not as good as seemingly everyone else in the world, but I get by. A few years back, my student loans were coming due. We were in far worse financial situation at that point, and I really wanted to get a Ph.D. I made the decision, probably a bad one, to go get my Ph.D. It would delay my student loans and when I had it I would make a lot more money and could pay my student loans. This was probably a mistake. But I did it. Well, in November I ran out of money to complete my Ph.D. and had to stop. I am now facing the repayment of my student loans starting up again. I am in a better financial position, but not that much better. So now I am facing that same situation again and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

There are options and I'm just not sure which one is the best one. I could get a part time job. I'm not working on my Ph.D. so I have some spare time, so a part time job would not be out of the question. I'm definitely getting a part time job over the summer. I hope that Kamehameha needs me this summer. I may still get a part time job on top of Kamehameha. That would bring in some money.

I could give up Crossfit. Again. I really like Crossfit though and am only going 8x a month. I do need to give up the 24 membership though, not even using that at all.

I had hoped we'd be able to refinance the house, but turns out that is not possible. I don't want to do that anyway. I want to get the most money possible out of this place, so refinancing and taking some money out is not what I want to do.

The thing I keep coming back to is that we could leave Hawaii earlier than planned. The plan was to wait until next year because of my Ph.D. and Hubby's social security. We sell the house. We clear $250,000. We move to the mainland. We pay cash for a place. We settle down and start over. Why delay it another year now? We are going to struggle and scrimp and suffer for another 15-16 months and then do it. Why wait? Why not do it now? It will take a lot of work, but it could be done. This way, we move to the mainland and I will have the money to continue my Ph.D. and get a higher paying job. I have seen houses for under $100k in Kingman, AZ. That would leave us $150k to get an RV, invest, pay bills, whatever. But it would put us in a much better financial position. By the time we got there and got settled, Hubby would be getting social security, I get paid through the summer, so we would have money to start. I could start looking for work in AZ now. I cannot see why we should stay any longer. UGH!!!!! Convincing Hubby is going to be the problem.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and need to make the right choice or everything will fall apart. I just don't know what to do and I wish someone would just tell me which choice is the right choice.

18 January 2016

Increasing Activity

This was my step count from yesterday. Highest day I've had in a long, long time, possibly a year or so. I'm very, very pleased with those numbers. There was a time when I would hit numbers like that all the time. Then I started Crossfit and that stopped happening. I realize now that when I started Crossfit, I thought that was enough. I really stopped moving outside of Crossfit. I really thought that Crossfit would be enough to keep me going. It was not. When I first started Crossfit and was losing all that weight, I also did not have a car and was riding my bicycle everywhere. I realize now that it was the bicycle riding that was helping me lose weight, the Crossfit just enhanced that. I had it backwards. It has finally hit me that moving; walking, biking, running, etc; is what helps you lose weight. It is definitely important to lift weights too, but movement is the key. Every single weight loss program that I have any respect for, tells you to get as much movement in as possible. Go for a walk, a hike, whatever, just walk and move. Well, that only took 56 years to set in.

In my effort to get back into running, I've started taking walking more seriously. I now realize that if I walk a whole lot more, I will lose more weight and if I lose weight I will be able to run, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. So yesterday I had 4 miles on the schedule. Yikes!!! I haven't walked 4 miles straight in probably 4 years. But it was on the schedule, I was going to do it. So I laced up my squishy shoes and headed out. 4 miles would be up to the college and 3 laps around it, then home. I did that. I hit my total steps for the day before 10 am. I then went to Costco to stock up on healthy food to fuel this journey. When I came home I was exhausted. I had forgotten how tired serious workouts make you. So it was lunch, then a quick nap on the couch. After the nap, I got up and got ready to walk the dogs. I was tired. My feet hurt. But I was determined to get those steps in.

In November I got a new Vivofit 2 because my other one had died completely. This one also does heartrate, my old one did not. In December I ordered a heart rate band. I did not actually start using the two together until last week, but whatever. I now use the heart rate band and the timer part of my Vivofit to track every activity I do.

I go in afterwards and label what they were, but now I have a running record of each activity I did, distance, time, calories, heart rate, etc. I love numbers. I love looking and seeing that last week I walked 3 miles and burned 400 calories, this week I walked 4 miles and burned over 700 calories. Why? Did I walk faster? Was my heart rate higher? What happened? I love looking at these things. So stats are great for me.

I used to get way hung up in the numbers. I used to look at them and say, wow, if I burned 700 calories and only ate 500 that would be a net loss of 200 calories. I'm not thinking like that anymore. I tired very hard yesterday to hit my macros and I still fell short. I ate as much as I could and it still was not enough. I think I've gotten my food is fuel mindset back. I do not look at food as anything other than something to fuel my workouts. If I want good workouts, I need to put in good food. Just like in my car.

Okay, I'm stoked about yesterday, but have been sitting on my ass all morning working on this. Time to get up and get moving. I know I'm not going to match yesterdays numbers, but I need to at least reach my goal, which is 10,000.

17 January 2016

Making Progress

I am proud of the progress I am making. I am not perfect. I don't do everything exactly right every single time. But I find I am making better choices more often than not and that my dear, is progress. This morning I will be walking 4 miles as part of my Great Aloha Run training. Ugh!!! I really don't want to and I keep telling myself I can do it tomorrow because it's a holiday. But NO!!! I will do it today. Just sticking to a plan I made is huge. And not something I've been very good at lately. So I will go walk in a few minutes. I wanted to blog here first.

A couple things I've noticed that indicate things are moving in the right direction. Without getting gross, there were parts of my body I was having a hard time reaching lately. Not a huge problem, but a problem at certain times. Yesterday morning I noticed that it was much easier to reach those parts. Hmmm...Then again this morning, it was much easier to access those previously difficult parts of my body. So, progress. Also, in the mornings for the past few months, I've had difficulty getting out of bed. I would stand up and feel very unsteady on my feet. There were even points during the day when I would feel very unsteady on my feet. I hate that feeling. Anyway, the last couple of days I've noticed that I don't feel that as much. I'm still stiff, and slow to move in the mornings, but not near as unsteady as I was. Progress. Finally, the back stairs have been a bit of a nemesis since all these injuries began. Going down was the real problem. My ankles were stiff, the heels hurt, the knees were creaky, you name it. The last two days, I've been able to go down the steps quite easily. Progress.

I need to keep these things in mind when the going gets tough. It is not just about losing weight and getting lean, it is about being able to move easily in my own body. To do the things I want to do and to feel good doing them. I'm not going to be perfect all the time and things are not going to go perfectly all the time, or hardly ever, but progress can still be made. Progress can be achieved without being perfect and that is all I ask. As long as I keep moving forward, I will be happy.

Now, I'm off for a 4 mile walk, then a trip to Costco, then laundry and housecleaning. Sounds like a fun day, no?????

16 January 2016

Moving forward, very slowly

Yes, I want everything to happen now. Right. Now. Instead I'm making forward progress one day and going backwards the next. It gets very, very frustrating. Very. Frustrating. But, I am still making progress. Slow. Slow. Slow. But progress nonetheless.

It is now the next day. I started this post last night because I was feeling kind of down. I had not exercised in 2 days. I went to Target after work and ended up getting - and eating - 2 bags of M&M's. I had been planning to get pizza for dinner. Luckily, those M&M's acted as a wake up call and I ended up getting a poke bowl for dinner. I got so tired after dinner, I could not keep my eyes open. I ended up taking a short nap. I don't have any empirical evidence, but I swear that eating candy, or anything high in sugar content, makes me unbelievably tired. After I eat that stuff, I always feel like I'm completely exhausted and have to take a nap. It is only a short nap, but a nap. That doesn't happen with anything else but beer. Interesting. I could investigate but I'll just go with the anecdotal evidence and assume that is the case. So I was feeling a little down and having a small pity party yesterday.

This morning though, everything changed. I stepped on the scale and am at 207. I have lost 7 lbs since this journey started on 12/28. That is not bad. Considering I have never once felt deprived of anything and I've cheated now and again. I am very pleased with that. 3 weeks, 7 pounds, I'll take it. Plus, I've been feeling a whole lot better. It is still not consistent but I generally feel real good.

Went to Crossfit this morning and Stephanie, my coach, was there. It was so awesome to see her again. She is probably one of my favorite people at Crossfit. She moved to the mainland in July and is back for a visit. I have a feeling there is trouble in paradise. I am hoping that her and her hubby are not getting divorced, just going through a rough patch. I hate to see people go through the pain of break-ups, divorces, etc. especially when there are children involved. I hope whatever it is, it can be resolved. If not, I hope it works out best for him, her, and the kids.

So the Crossfit WOD was brutal, but I made it through and did okay. I love Crossfit and I really love doing it being pain free. I even ran today. I ran. In my Crossfit shoes not my big squishy ones. And it felt fine. Little twinges in the left heel but no pain at all. Woot!!! Progress. The open starts in about 6 weeks and I'm looking forward to doing that injury free this year. That should be exciting.

Okay, I smell and I do want to get some housework done. I'm off to the showers.