10 October 2015

Perfectly Imperfect

I try to be perfect and I'm not. I try to do everything right, and I don't. I try. But then I get moments where I just give up and say f*ck it. Those moments are the ones I need to fight. I have a whole bunch of responsibilities and I need to keep on top of them. Regardless of how I feel, because I do know that when I take control I feel powerful. Even if things aren't going the way I want them to, I feel in control. Okay, so what brought this on? Money. The money here is so tight that one little thing can throw everything off. I have to stay focused on the money or it rapidly spins out of control. So time to get back on that. I need to check the bank account every night and I need to know where every penny is going. There is also a moratorium on spending for the remainder of October. I have to get the finances under control.

Food. That is another area that needs to be handled. I ate well yesterday but then wrecked it with donuts and ice cream last night. Why? No reason. I wasn't hungry. I didn't feel like something sweet. I just ate them. Ugh. Done. I was going to brush my teeth right after dinner, I should have done that. I will do that if necessary. No sugar. I need to stay on top of that or it rapidly spins out of control.

So the moral of this story is that I have to be present in the moment and not let emotions or feelings take me away. It is true with everything; money, food, exercise, work, everything. If I don't pay attention, it rapidly spins out of control. Everything. Okay. I cannot change the past. What's done is done. But I can change the future and I will. I can also control how I react to what I did in the past. I did it, it's over and I just have to accept that.

So, mindful living, being present, and being aware of things that happen. Done.

Okay, 82 days until new years. Time to get back on track and make progress. This goes with the above. Being mindful and present will help me make progress and move forward. So today I will run, shop for food, and plan my meals for the week. I also need to make good progress on my work. I need to grade and finish that stuff up. Lots to do today.

8:45 am Just finished my 'run'. Yeah, it was definitely a 'run'. Did Week 1 Day 2 of C25K. I did Day 1 on Monday, I believe, and it wasn't too bad. Today was horrible. Just. Freaking. Horrible. My calves were killing me right from the start. The running was difficult at best. It was ugly. Started with a walking pace of 2.5 - 3.0 and a running pace of 4.0. After 2 intervals my calves were screaming. Dropped the running pace down to 3.0 and the walking pace down to 2.0. I was going to skip the running intervals, but after 4 it just seems silly to not do them. So I did all 8 intervals, I just did them slow. I did take some time to stretch after. I did 30 seconds of calf stretch off the edge of treadmill, 30 seconds of quad stretch by resting the top of my foot on the handrail of the treadmill, and 30 seconds of hamstring stretch by resting foot on stool next to treadmill. It was not pretty, it was not fun, but I did it. Yeah me!!!!

09 October 2015

Amazing adventures

For the last 3 days I have been in Kalaupapa, the leper colony on the island of Molokai. It also happens to be the home of not 1 but 2 saints. A pretty incredible place. I was lucky enough to help chaperone a school trip there and I could not be more thankful for the opportunity. It was amazing. First, because of the remote location, difficult access, and that it's a national park, it is just downright gorgeous.

This is where we were staying 

This is where Saint Damien lived and worked. 

This is where we were staying from the cross on top of the mountain. 

Second, it is a living monument to two saints; Damien and Marianne.

This was Marianne's grave until they removed her for canonization in 2012. Part of her still rests here. 
This was Damien's grave. He was removed in 1939 and returned to his home in Belgium, but when he was canonized, his right hand was reinterred here. 

Also, the history. This was where lepers were sent to basically be forgotten. But because of Damien and Marianne, they were not forgotten. They were cared for and treated like humans, and lived out their lives. There are still patients there, only 9 are left in the settlement. What will happen when those 9 die, no one really knows. It will be interesting though.

I've always wanted to go to Kalaupapa but you can't just go there. You have to be sponsored, or you can go for the day. We got to stay there for 3 days. Meet lots of locals. Meet some patients. And just soak up the atmosphere, culture, and history. It was truly amazing.

While I took away a lot of things, one thing that really struck me is my concept of hard. I think things are hard because I work and am trying to write a dissertation and am doing this and that. I whine and complain about how hard it is to eat right and work out, blah, blah, blah...... I am a wus. These people were ripped away from their families and friends and sent somewhere to die. If they had babies while in Kalaupapa, the babies were taken away from them. They were either sent to family on Oahu, or put into an orphanage. And there was nothing they could do about it. In the beginning, they were sent over there with next to nothing and expected to make a life for themselves. And I complain because my life is hard???? All of the people we met there are so happy and friendly and cheerful. It was amazing. Strangers saying Hi and coming over to talk story. Patients who are happy and busy and glad to be alive. I need to check my attitude. I have an amazing life and can be miserable at times. Time to get over myself.

I did get a lot of walking in while there and according to my phone, I was very active. The eating though was out of control and off the hook. I was at the mercy of the group sine they provided all the food, and much of it was not good. Muffins, yogurt, and cereal for breakfasts. Sandwich type things for lunch. Dinners were hamburger helper and spaghetti. Not the best food, but it could have been worse. I was just glad to get home to nice steak and some normalcy. I was going to work out this morning, but opted out and went to get a haircut instead. I hope to get a little planning done today. Tomorrow kicks off the most serious effort of all. One of the things that I heard there, which I have heard before but forgotten about, is that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. So before I can take care of my dissertation or my house or my dogs, I have got to take care of me. So that means exercising and eating right and that starts now. Unlike the people of Kalaupapa, I have access to fresh food every day of the week and I intend to take advantage of that. Also, no more whining. I'm sick and tired of listening to myself whine. I will just have to do it. Whatever it is.

Okay, my hair is about done and I need to take a shower.

05 October 2015

87 days

I'm going to do this every day. I will take a few moments to blog everyday even if I have nothing to say. It is one way to keep focused on what I really want. So yesterday I ended up walking the dogs for almost 2 hours. That was awesome.

Having been plantar pain free for almost 3 weeks now, I have a burning desire to run. I also have a burning desire no to have that pain again, so there's that. But my shoes were all old. Old like they would hurt my feet if I walked for too long. I knew there was no running in them. But I didn't want to spend $150 on shoes to discover that I can't run. That would suck big time. So I turned to eBay. I found these for $60:

They are bright and loud and I love them. They are also a type of Asics I've never had before. I read that they were really cushioned and good for pronators, so I thought I would give them a try. I wore them once for walking on the treadmill and my toes on my left foot went numb. That was not good. Then I thought they might be too tight. So yesterday I went to walk the dogs and loosen up the laces. Much, much better. I walked for almost 2 hours with the dogs in them. First, I felt like the ball had more cushioning and I was walking with a slight deficit. But gradually I adjusted and by the end of the walk, I had zero foot pain. Zero. After taking them off my feet did not hurt. My legs did not hurt. My back did not hurt. Nothing.....wow, maybe I've hit on something. So today I run. I've been up for almost 2 hours now and putting it off. I don't want to hurt. I just don't want to hurt.

Okay, so I'm off to run on the treadmill. It's been raining for 2 days now. Yuck. Okay, I'll report back later.

04 October 2015

Day 88

I think I'm going to keep track of the days until new year and see exactly what I accomplish. Starting right now.

9:30 am:  just spent 2 1/2 hours working on my dissertation...yeah me....time for a walk....

03 October 2015

Excuses or results.....

And lately I've got thousands of excuses. Let's see....I'm tired is one I use frequently. I am tired when I get home from school and so rather than walk the dogs, which by the way will make me feel not so tired, I nap. I've got too much to do....that's always a good one. I do have too much to do, far too much. But instead of doing it, I sit around on facebook or play games or nap.....My foot hurts...thankfully, I haven't been able to use that one in about 3 weeks now...My shoes are all old...now this was true, but I bought new so can't say that anymore...Not enough time...that has been the one of choice lately in the mornings...and there is some truth to it. The tunnel I take to work is having issues and only one lane is open. If I leave a little early, I can avoid much of the traffic and get to work at a decent time. If I wait too long, it takes me a long time to get to work. However, I've been using that excuse not only to avoid exercise in the mornings but to stop at Starbucks too. Yeah, that excuse has to go. If I plan decently the night before, I don't have to get to work before the crack of dawn. And then there is food......I will have one treat...well, I had one treat another won't hurt....tomorrow I'll restart......UGH!!! I'm so over myself......Needless to say, with all these excuses I have had zero results. So I think it's time to lose the excuses and start facing reality.

Right now there are 89 days until New Years Day. On New Years Day I want to return to Crossfit. At this rate I will be 300 lbs and unable to do anything. I have got to make a change. Now. Not tomorrow. Not Monday. Not when I get back from Molokai. Now. I feel huge and I don't want to feel huge. I have got to make a change and I have got to do it now.

26 September 2015

Today is a new day

and I'm going to view it as a new start. I have been up for almost an hour now. I woke around 5 am and had to go the bathroom so I just decided to stay up. I haven't done much since I've been up, but I am wide awake now. I am torn as to what to do. I want to work on my dissertation but I also want to walk/run. I only have until around noon, because Hubby will be home and we need to go to Costco. That is going to involve lunch, probably beer, so the afternoon is kind of shot. Then I have to walk the dogs, no excuses today. I think I just decided to work on my thesis. I will walk this afternoon with the dogs, and maybe I'll even do couch to 5k with Axl. But I need to get some work done on my dissertation. Okay, it's been decided.

I've kind of come to grips with the fact that while I'm writing this, I will not get to do all the things I want to do. I would love to spend an hour a day working out, but that just does not look like it will be in the cards every day. I do believe though, that this will be the worst part. Once I get through the first 3 chapters, I think it will get a little easier.

Okay, enough nonsense I'm going to start writing.

25 September 2015

Seriously, when will I learn?????

On Monday, we had meditation and ended up being there from 1 pm to 4:30 pm. We did not eat lunch before hand so we were pretty darn hungry. On the way home we grabbed some dinner. We also stopped at the bakery and picked up cookies and pastries. Very, very hungry. We came home and ate. And ate. And ate. I ate all night long. Unfortunately much of it was junk food, pastries and cookies and such. Tuesday I got up and did not feel like making breakfast, so I decided to go to Starbucks. Latte and yogurt parfait. Luckily I had leftovers that I brought for lunch. Come home, eat some donut holes while I wait for dinner. Hmmm....Wednesday, still not wanting to cook breakfast, I head to Starbucks again. Latte, yogurt parfait, and pumpkin scone. Really???? Had some leftovers again for lunch and it was pretty good. Came home and was really tired. Really. Tired. Took a nap. Had dinner. Ate some pastries. Watched TV. Went to bed. Woke up yesterday, Thursday, and could not get moving. Decided to go to Starbucks, yet again, for breakfast. Latte, yogurt parfait, and pumpkin scone. Are you for real???? Today's lunch was only salad and about 4 oz of steak. Not a whole lot. By the end of the day I was tired. Driving home I was exhausted. Bone weary tired. I came home and took a little nap. Had a pastry. Ate some dinner. Cleaned the kitchen. Watched some TV. The entire time I felt like crap. I was so tired, I was ready for bed at 6 pm. It was horrible. I was seriously wondering if I was coming down with something. I felt like crap. Ended up going to bed by 8 pm and think I immediately fell asleep. I woke up around 2 am and felt really awake, but did not get up until 4:45 am. When I got up, I felt pretty okay. But I decided that food was the issue. I made myself a big breakfast, 3 eggs and 3 sausages, a big lunch; 2 large sausages, peppers, and onions. I also brought some coffee drink with me for the afternoon. I ate well all day. I got home and was tired, but not like yesterday. I did nod off in my chair but that was because I was sitting in here doing nothing. About 5 pm I got up and pulled out an entire pound of ground beef - that was an accident I didn't want that much. I then chopped up peppers, onions, and brussels sprouts and fried everything together. And I ate the whole thing. It was amazing with a little ketchup on it.

So a couple of things to note. Even though I had large meals, I never felt stuffed or overfull like I get with carbs. Even now, I feel full but not stuffed in any way. Also, my energy levels were pretty constant all day long, even though we had a mass to sit through. Finally, I feel pretty good even now. I ate almost 1800 calories and it was all real food; meat and veggies. Food. Food. Food. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I not learn? Why is this something I am doomed to repeat?? Why? Why? Why?

I have also come to the realization that I need to workout. I have gone over a month doing nothing but walking and in the last 2 weeks I have done nothing at all. Time to get moving again. First thing in the morning.

So there you have it, food was the root of all evil. I have got to eat more. I have got to eat well. I have got to eat to fuel not to satisfy my sweet tooth. Lesson learned. Again.