No exercise in sight

I do not know the last time I worked out. Actually, I think I do. I did some running here and there a couple of times. But the last time I worked out seriously was in January at Laveen Crossfit. And the fact of the matter is I feel like crap. I need to change things. I have a ton of excuses for why I'm not exercising; taking classes, hot outside, too hungry, too tired, too focused, whatever, it's all bullshit.

So what to do about it?  At the moment I am taking a class from 8 - 4:30, Mon-Thurs. Well, last week I rode the bus so I had to be up by 4:30 to walk the dogs, shower, and get out of the house by 6:30 to catch a bus. Then I wouldn't get home until 6 pm. This week I will have the car so I probably won't have to leave until closer to 7 and I should be home by 5:30ish.

You know what, regardless of the freaking time constraints, I need to exercise. I need to do something. Last week I rode my bike from the bus and I'm going to ride my bike again this week but that is not enough. I need to work out. I can't make excuses anymore. It's time to just suck it up and start doing it again. Time to remove the emotion from it and just get it done. Time to use my mindfulness to get it done.

Summer lethargy

I've fallen into the summer slump and I need to get out of it. I have a summer pattern that goes back to old ways of thinking. Let me see if I can ferret out where this all started because I didn't use to be like this. So my views now are constantly that I need to rest and relax. If I have downtime I will do absolutely nothing. There were times in my life when I was very, very busy. I was going to college, I worked, after that I worked a full-time job 5 days a week, then I taught 5 days a week and summer time. Somewhere in there, I got the mindset that I was super busy and needed to rest whenever I could. Now that in and of itself is okay except that that belief hung on long after I was no longer so busy. Fast forward to today. I'm sitting at a desk that is an absolute mess, I have 2 classes that need to be finished up as quickly as possible, I have things I 'want' to do, and yet I've sat for the last week on my ass not doing a thing. I've played a stupid game and scrolled thru Facebook far, far too many times. All because I have this idea stuck in my head that I need to rest and relax. I don't need to rest and relax. I need to recharge my batteries and I can do that by doing things that I enjoy. I like walking in the mornings. I like working with Mavy. I like doing my craft projects. I like taking photos. I like being active mentally and physically. So I need to change my thinking. I need to set up my day so that I can actually do things and not sit on my butt. So, starting today (as soon as I'm done here) no turning on the computer in the morning. Unless I'm going to work on my classes, otherwise it stays off. Walk as soon as possible in the morning. I need to get moving before the heat so I will get up early and walk with Mavy. Work on things that bring me joy. Reading. Crafting. Photography. Whatever. Make time for my classes to get those done. Clean up after me. Seriously, this desk is a complete disaster. And no more thinking that I have to rest. I've done enough resting. I'm tired of resting. Time to do things.

Summer has begun

May 16th was the last day of school. I have been on serious break since then. Serious. The first weekend I didn't do much of anything. Watched some TV and that was about it. This week has been slightly better, but not a whole lot. I've started a couple of things but not followed through, just haven't been motivated to push myself. I've been walking a bit. Not as much as I'd hoped to, but some. I have not worked out much at all. But I was also allowing myself time to kind of decompress from the school year. But things have to change. Not only did I get a scholarship to take a class this summer, actually 2 classes, but I also have things that really, really, really need my attention. So, rest is over, it's time to kick it into gear.

I'm going to set a kind of schedule for myself. Walking in the mornings before it gets hot, then working out in the afternoons before dinner time. Nothing I do is so strenuous that I can't do it in my bathing suit, especially since my bathing suit is a sports bra top. So walking and workouts will happen every single day. Meditation will also happen. I've been slacking on that, need to get it back into the rotation. Need to set a schedule so these things happen on the regular. Something like this:

• get up/coffee/meditate
• walk
• shower
• walk dogs
• breakfast
• work, work, work
• lunch/pool/read
• work, work, work
• workout
• work Mavy
• dinner/pool/relax
• bed

Something along those lines. There will be days where we need to run errands and I will fit that in either in the morning or afternoon. There will also be days where I will consume alcohol and that pretty much eliminates productivity for the rest of the day. I'm okay with that, but no more than 2 times per week but preferably only once. That's pretty reasonable. If I get up at 4:30 I have lots and lots of time to do everything. 

So there is my summer plan. I need to have a schedule and a focus or else absolutely nothing will get done. So this is good. 

Day 8 - Why do I want to do self-care?

So I'm supposed to list out my reasons for wanting to do self-care. I'm going to go with free-writing and just see where that takes me.

I want to do self-care because I want to feel amazing. I want to have the energy to do the things I want to do like hike and work with Mavy.  I want to do self-care because I want to have the patience to work with Mavy and he needs a lot of work. I want to do things and experience things and not just sit around my house getting old. I am currently not taking any medication and I want to continue that way until I'm 70 and 80. I want to feel amazing for all the remaining years I have. I don't want to grow old gracefully, I want to take age on full force. I want to be that person that people say, I can't believe she's X years old. I want to be an example to people around me. I don't want to sit in pain like I am now. I want to be healthy and active really able to enjoy the rest of my life.  I want to not care what people think of me. I want to be me and no one else. I want to be confident in my abilities. I want to know that I'm doing the best I can for me at any given moment. I do not want to ever end up sick and on lots of medicine like some people around me. I do not ever want my life to be something that I dread living. I want to live a joyful, happy life for as long as I possibly can.

60

Tomorrow I turn 60. In many ways, I can't believe it. Honestly! I never thought I would live to see this age. I grew up during the height of the cold war and we used to have atomic bomb drills. Hello!!! Then there were the 70's and 80's. Lots of drugs, lots of drinking, lots of partying. Live fast, die young mentality. The year 2000 was coming and everything was going to change anyway. I honestly never thought I would live to see 60. But here I am, staring it in the face.

I always wanted to be that wise old woman. I'm not. I have learned a lot in my time here, but most of what I learned can't be passed on well. Most of the things I've learned have to be learned individually. Also, you have to be open to learning these things and most people are not. So I have learned, especially in the last few days, to keep my hard earned wisdom to myself.

But here are some things I have learned:

1. No one can make me think, feel, or do anything I don't want to
2. I can't make anyone think, feel, or do anything they don't want to 
3. I am in control of my thoughts and actions
4. Anger is something I just don't have time for
5. Looking forward or looking backward takes your eyes off this moment
6. All we truly have is this moment
7. Exercise is super important, especially as we age
8. Working is actually something I truly enjoy and will do as long as possible
9. Find pleasure in the small, quiet moments
10. Do things that make you happy, life is too short to be unhappy

Is that everything, no. But it's a few of the things I've learned over the years that have really stuck with me. Most of these things didn't come from age but from experience. Which I guess I couldn't have if I didn't get older. 

I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and feel like I really know myself. If this is 60 I'll take it.

Day 7: Perfectionism

Defining it as an on/off switch, list all the ways that perfectionism could potentially derail your self-care practice. In other words, in what kinds of situations could you imagine yourself saying, “I ruined something” or “I’m never going to be able to do this so I might as well quit now”? For example, how would you likely react after not walking for a few days?

Response:

This is something I've been working on for a long, long time. Losing that perfectionist attitude. I used to be a real perfectionist and it was ruining lots of things in my life. If I missed a workout, I would beat myself up. If I screwed up a craft project, I would beat myself up. If I did something wrong at work, I would beat myself up and ruminate about it for days. But I've been working on not doing that. I've been working on accepting the fact that I am not perfect and doing things to the best of my ability is good. I don't expect my students to do better than they are capable of, why would I expect it of myself? Some ways where perfectionism can still creep into my life:

Workouts - I still tend to have some all or nothing thinking about these and definitely need to lose that.

Food - though I've gotten much, much better at looking at meals as one-off events, I still have times when I say oh, I'll get back on track on Monday or the weekend or whenever.

Training Mavy - definitely need to work on that in this area. Missing training clearly doesn't bother him, but I would like to have more fun time with him.

That's about it. I really have gotten pretty good an not being a perfectionist in most areas. I even will purposefully skip a day here and there just to show things don't fall apart if I do.

Day 6: The Giver Tendency

Assignment: Write a letter to your kid telling them all the ways that you hope they will take care of themselves as adults so that they can have the most amazing life possible. Try not to leave anything out. Talk about the physical things they will need to do, the attitude they will need to have, and the perspective necessary to glide through hard times with the least amount of heartache.

Response:


To have an amazing life you must absolutely take time for yourself. You must find the things that make you happy outside of your family. We all know that seeing your kids happy makes you happy, but there have to be things outside your family that make you happy. You must be able to stand on your own, with your own people, among your own friends. You must have hobbies and interests that maybe you share with no one else. That's fine. If it fills you with joy or just makes you happy, that's okay. Do it. Go for it. Being able to stand on your own two feet is so very important in this life. You can't always rely on others, they may not be able to help you, so you need to be able to stand on your own. You need to be able to fight your own battles, whatever they may be. You need to have confidence and faith in your own abilities in order to stand tall. You need to take care of your physical body, exercise and eat right. Do things that may not be fun but will help keep your body strong and flexible. Eating right is very important. Food affects so many things in our bodies that it's important to keep putting in the good stuff. This will keep you healthy much longer than any doctor can. And you have to have an attitude of strength and resilience. You can't be a victim. You have to be strong of mind and able to speak up for yourself. I know it's not easy and I know it's easier many times to just go along. But resist. Be true to yourself, your dreams, your desires, and you will become a strong, independent person whom others find amazing.

Obstacles to Self-Care

I've done this a 1,000 times in the past. Started something amazing, went really strong for a while, then stopped. Sometimes I stopped slowly, it just gradually faded away. Other times I stopped abruptly for some specific reason. Using the past as an example, what could become obstacles to my self-care practice?

Time - the first thing that always comes to mind is the time factor. I feel, in general, like I just don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do. Now, that is absolutely ridiculous because I have the time to sit and watch TV, play stupid computer games, and scroll Facebook for hours on end. So there really is no basis for that at all. Saying I don't have time is just flat out not true.

Energy - the next thing, and closely related to time, is not having the energy. This is generally another flat out lie. If I do things I enjoy, I have plenty of energy for them. Also, with things like exercise, the more I do it the more energy I have. Also, when things become a habit, I have plenty of energy for them. I have the energy to give the dogs their pills every night even though there are nights when I just want to go to bed. I do it because it's good for them and I want them to be happy and healthy. So I find the energy and the time.

Desire - this is the biggee, at least I think it is. I frequently say, eh, I don't feel like it. And I think that I use this as a  disguise for "I'm not worth it"  In many ways, I have a very low opinion of myself. And I can't help but think that it all goes back to my brothers telling me I'm stupid and ugly when I was younger. In a lot of ways that seems like a cop-out, but I kinda think it's really true. In my formative years, I heard that a lot from my brothers, hell, I don't remember hearing much else until I got older, and that can wreck your self-confidence especially as a kid. I always feel like other people have a higher opinion of me than I do myself. How strange is that? Other people have more confidence in my abilities than I do myself. Weird.

So let's look at the whole, I'm not worth it thing. Why would I not be worth it? I teach children. I do something most people would not be able to handle. And I do it well. The students like me. The admin likes me. The other teachers like, or if they don't I really don't care. Am I perfect? NO!! Is anyone? No!! But I try really hard to do the best I can for those kids. There are others who literally just put in the time. So based on nothing else at all, I am worth it strictly because of what I do and the effort I put into it. Also, I'm worth it because I'm a nice human being. I don't go around treating people crappy or killing people. So that qualifies me as a generally nice person and just because of that I'm worth it.

I also feel like I'm not worth it sometimes because of my Husband. It's not that he makes me feel that way, though if I'm truly honest he does. There are times when I say I'm going to do something and he scoffs at it. I never delve into why he scoffs and basically just make assumptions that he thinks I can't/won't do it. Honestly, that makes me feel bad and then I usually don't do that thing. He is generally very supportive and loving, so I'm not exactly sure why he does that sometimes. I was just going to delve into why he might do that, but I caught myself and realized I can't possibly know his motivations or what is going on in his mind so I'm not even going to go there. I can't control what he does or says, the only thing I can control is how I respond to it. So if/when he does that again, I'm not going to let it get to me. Doing something like that probably says more about how he feels about himself then it does about how he feels about me. Wow, I have never really given that a whole lot of thought before and didn't even realize that was in there.