That fine line

There is a fine, very fine, line between listening to your body and giving up. I'm not sure which side of that line I ended up on today.

After working on my school assignment, getting it posted, and eating a good breakfast, I headed out to Crossfit. I was a little apprehensive about the WOD considering the last 4 days, plus the fact that it was the coach's birthday and birthday WODs are usually brutal. But I was looking for a butt kicking so I went.

The WOD was as follows:
5 rounds for time:
12 bar over burpees
8 handstand push up
13 kb swings
82 double unders (2x singles)
---then---
31 clean & jerks


I got through the first round and thought I was going to die. During the second round I was positive I was going to die. During the third round I think I did die. By then everything hurt. All the jumping was getting to my knee. My shoulder was acting up. I was a mess. I got through the burpees, push-ups, and kettlebell swings for round 4, but I just could not do the jump rope. My knee hurt and I was dying. So I quit. I sat down and gave up. After a couple of minutes I did try to do the clean & jerks but I only got 8 of the out. I was pissed because I let myself quit instead of pushing through. But things hurt. So did I do the right thing by stopping because it hurt, or should I have pushed through a little more.

It's a delicate balance between when to push and when to back down. I think, today, I did the right thing. I have not done anything in 4 days and my body is full of crap. It will take time to recover from that, not long, but time. So while I am a little upset with myself that I didn't push harder, I'm basically okay with the WOD. I have to walk that line and sometimes I'm just not sure which way it went.

Bloated

This is kind of how I feel today. Bloated. Huge. Unbelievably fat. I spent the last 4 days at a residency for my Ph.D. It was on the Big Island and it was good, but my eating and working out went to crap. Let's see what happened.

Wednesday I was up at 3am to make a 5am flight. I had some coffee but that was all. Met my friends in Kona (that is a whole other story) and we headed out. Stopped at Starbucks around 7:30am for breakfast and got to the hotel where it was being held around 8:30ish. Spent the morning sitting in seminars and then they fed us lunch. As you might have guessed it was mostly carbs. Plus the desserts. Lots of desserts. The afternoon was spent sitting in more seminars and around 5-5:30 we were free to go. As you might imagine I was exhausted and settled for fast food for dinner.

Thursday was very similar except that I met a friend for dinner that night. That was super fun and I'm glad I got a chance to see her.

Friday was more of the same again. I did have some down time on Friday that I used to take a walk to the petroglyphs that were on the hotel property. I walked along the King's Trail for about an hour and that was fun. Felt good to move. Followed by sessions Saturday that ended at noon. After which we went to Kona, had a Mexican lunch and walked around for about an hour, then headed to the airport for the flight home.

So as you exercise was at a minimum and crappy food was at a maximum. My stomach feels huge and I can not stand it. Needless to say, today is back to Crossfit and hardcore Paleo for a bit. I also have some school work due today so I will be spending time sitting in this chair working. I'm hoping to keep it to a minimum and get my stuff done quickly.

Okay, off to get some work done and then head to Crossfit.

December 1st

Hard to believe it is already December. In 30 days it will be the new year. I had plans of running the new year 10k, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. My knee has really slowed me down. The good news with the knee is that I think it is getting better. Keeping my fingers crossed anyway. The plan now is to start running over Christmas break. Our last day of school is Dec. 20th and we are off until Jan. 7th. Assuming the classes at CFKB stay the same for December, I'm going to go to the Oly lifting class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 7am, and the 4pm WOD on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, then the 8am WOD on Saturday. That leaves me Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday with nothing. I think that is when I will start running. If I do couch to 5k, I'll get through the first 3 weeks before heading back to school. That should give me enough of a base to continue on. I just have to watch my knees and make sure my shoes are in good shape.
I do have some fitness goals for next year, but they are very different from previous years. I no longer care what I weigh. I don't. I really, just don't. I feel good and that is what is important. I want to get stronger, that's my big goal. In another post I will spell it all out. I haven't completely formalized it in my head yet, so that will come before the new year.

I was looking at some blogs the other day and I can't help but wonder where these people went. There are quite a few who made the move to Facebook. And then there are others who just dropped off the face of the earth. I wonder about them. Are they okay? Did something happen? Are they just too busy? I find blogging is still great for me. I don't do it as often as I used to, but it is still awesome. It allows me a place to work things out that I don't want to bore the people in my life with. It also gives me a place to write pure nonsense until it makes sense - something most people won't listen to.

Okay, I have some work to do and I'm developing a plan for 2014. Let's see what I come up with.

Wave of exhaustion

Yesterday I had off and it was wonderful. I went to the Oly class at 7am and worked on some of my Oly lifts. Olympic lifting is not my thing at all, but it is fun to work on your form when you are not trying to cycle through them really fast. So that was good. Then I worked on some wrist wraps, these are going to be awesome, I just need to figure out a good way to market them. Then I went to the 4pm WOD. I was feeling all badass for going to the box twice in one day. Then things fell apart. I stopped at the store for dinner, since I didn't feel like turkey, and got a pot pie (yum) and some giant chocolate covered wafers. As I was walking through the store I started getting this pain in my right side. I don't know what it was but it was sharp at times. Back home I put the pot pie in the oven and proceeded to eat all 6 of the wafer thingees. And the pain persisted. I was getting a little concerned about it, but not enough to do anything. Then, around 8pm, I was hit with a wall of exhaustion. Just complete exhaustion. I felt like I could hardly keep my eyes open and that my limbs were moving through mud. I decided to head to bed but couldn't sleep. Then the wind started. Gusts of wind that were blowing things around and ripping tarps off roofs and making a lot of noise and mess. Then the rain began. Oh perfect. It was a night where the dogs were scared, so they were all in bed with us, and the noise level didn't allow for much sleeping. I think I finally got to sleep around 1-2am and was up by 6:30. I feel like crap. I'm not good on little sleep. I'm trying to decide right now if I should go to the 8 or 9 am WOD. I'm thinking 9, just so I can have another cup of coffee and try to become a little more human.

Gratitude Day 28, 29, 30

Day 28: I'm grateful for people who prepare the turkey and fixings for you. We paid $50 and got an entire Thanksgiving meal with none of the fuss. In general I prefer to make my own stuff, but on this day, this is the way to go.

Day 29: I'm grateful for the ability to workout twice in one day. I went to Oly lifting in the morning and the WOD last night. Grateful to have the strength, health, and resources to do that.

Day 30: I'm grateful for this challenge. I has forced me to stop and think about things I don't normally think about. It has also made me realize that it is the little things in life that really matter. If the little things are in order, the big things will take care of themselves.

So I am done for this month. It has been a learning experience and an awakening of a sort. I would like to keep it going, but in all honesty I probably won't. I will, however, be doing it again soon. Maybe in January. We will see what happens.

Gratitude: Day 26 & 27

Day 26: Today I'm grateful for free dress days. We got free dress all this week and I have been wearing shorts. Awesome. Shorts and t-shirts. Yeah for free dress days.

Day 27: Today I am grateful for short days. We get out at 1:30 today for the Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah!!!!


When I started this month I thought that I had to be grateful for big things. I have come to realize that those are the things I am always grateful for. It is the little things that tend to get overlooked. That is what makes up our every day lives, the little things. And by taking a moment to realize how grateful you are for the little things, really makes a difference. So I guess I really have learned something this month, and the month is not quite over.

Sometimes I wonder about me

I was walking around Sports Authority the other day wasting time and I happened to wander through the shoes. I looked at the running shoes and thought how I would love to run but until my knee is better that is out of the question. Then I thought back to my running days and how I would have to get new shoes regularly because of my knees....and a light bulb went off. I got new shoes because of my knees. Since I started Crossfit I have been buying the minimalist shoes. So as I looked at the shoes I decided to buy cushioned running shoes. I got these:

In that color. They are loud and obnoxious. But I wore them tonight and the knee felt great. Between wrapping my knee, and rolling it, it feels great. After the WOD I did not have a swollen knee and it did not hurt at all. That has been pretty typical after WODs, I would hobble around for a bit. Not tonight. I know it was only one workout so I'm being cautiously optomistic.

Day 23, 24 & 25

Writing every third day seems to work for me so I guess I'll stick it out.

Day 23: I'm grateful for Saturdays with nothing to do. I slept in. Drank my coffee while reading the Internet. Did some errands and generally had an easy day. I love Saturdays.

Day 24: I'm grateful for Costco. Weird, I know. But I am grateful for a place that has things we need for cheap. I'm also grateful for early mornings at Costco when its quieter.

Day 25: I'm grateful for day 6 when I have time to catch up on things at school.

I feel like writing

I get in these moods when I feel like something needs to be done and I'm not sure exactly what. I need to do something drastic to really change things up. I know that doing the same things will get me the same results and I don't want that. I want things to be different.

Okay, I kind of know the problem so I'm going to go. In spite of my month of gratitude, I'm feeling a little ungrateful. I see people who are doing and getting things I would like to do and get and I feel a little jealous. There we go, I've said it. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel good about it, but it's the truth. This month of gratitude has helped that feeling a whole lot, but it is still there a little and I need to lose it. I'm feeling a lot of, how come they can do it and I can't? type of feelings. Also the, why is it so easy for them? Now I know that is not true. I know that they had to work hard for the things they get, but from the outside it looks easy.

Another problem is that some things do come really easy to me and so I want all things to be that easy. For example, sewing. I can sew like a champ. I can look at something and figure out how it is made. Many times I can even recreate it. Like these wrist wraps. My trial and error I figured out how to make them. Then there is school. I started a Ph.D. program in March and I have just finished my 6th class. I do papers at the last minute and get an A. I do really well in school with minimum effort. Of course, if I put in more than minimum effort, I would probably do much better and get a lot more out of it. Next quarter for sure.

So there it is. I'm jealous and I want these things to be as easy for me as sewing and learning. They are not. They are something I have not mastered. Something I have to struggle with constantly. Something that may never be easy for me. So what can I do about that? Well, first I have to accept it. If I don't accept it, it will continue to be a huge problem. If I accept it and resign myself to the fact that it is hard, it will stop being a battle. Oprah said, what you resist persists. And that is true. These things may never be easy for me, but if I accept that they are hard they will become easier.

I also have to accept the fact that I have limitations. I am 54 years old. I will never lift as much or run as fast as a 20something, or even a 30something. I just won't. I can be good for my age, but I'll never be as good as them. So I need to accept that and come to terms with it. I also need to accept the fact that I will never have a skinny body. My body is just not created to be skinny. That does not mean I can not try to be the best I can be, it means that I need to keep it realistic and not get discouraged because what I want is completely unattainable.

So I need to focus these finals gratitude days on really being grateful. Really understanding that I am who I am, and only so much can change. I need to accept certain things and not dwell on them. Like the alcoholics anonymous prayer:
Gad grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That is what I need to do. Focus on what I can change, accept the things I can't, and not get crazy over what is.

One more time

This week has not been good. Earlier in the week, my knee was really painful and I was afraid to Crossfit. In fact, I even considered quitting Crossfit for a while so I wouldn't be tempted to do it. The pain peaked on Monday or Tuesday night, I forget which. I tossed and turned most of the night because my knee was hurting. It was not really the knee though, it was the inner quad muscle above the knee.



See that Vastus Medialis Muscle? I'm pretty sure that was the one that was so tight I could hardly bend my leg. Anyway, that muscle was throbbing all night long. In my half awake state I thought that it was the muscle relaxing. When I woke the next morning my knee felt good. Wednesday night I went to Crossfit and we did 60 wall balls and a bunch of other stuff. After the workout my knee felt really good. I slept well that night and when I woke Thursday my knee felt awesome. I didn't go to Crossfit Thursday for some reason that I forget now, but Thursday night my knee felt so good I took my brace off all night. I did wear it to bed though. Friday morning my knee felt so good that I went without my brace all day and felt good. Then I went to Crossfit last night and ran. This morning it is feeling good again. I want to be careful. I don't want to push it, but I need to start building it up again. It feels good to feel good.

Now, back to the title of this post. Using the knee as an excuse, and just feeling sorry for myself, I have been eating like crap all week. Knowing that we had nothing for me to take for lunch, instead of making something I bought lunch everyday. Yuck. There was also a lot of candy involved. A. Lot. I have got to get a handle on things. I have to.

Today I have Crossfit in the morning while my car is getting new tires. Then I have nothing for the rest of the day until evening. This evening we have a beer tasting at the box. I haven't reminded hubby of it and I think I may not. If he remembers we'll go, otherwise I may pass.  I don't know. We'll see. Right now getting my eating back on track is more important to me than hanging out with the Crossfit folks. I'll play it by ear and see what happens. But today, food will be better. No candy.

Gratitude Days 20, 21 & 22

Day 20: I'm grateful for Crossfit. I have been slacking a bit this week, but it is always there and I am grateful I get to be part of that.

Day 21: I am grateful for speedy shipping. I ordered something on Monday and I got it today. Yeah!!!

Day 22: I'm grateful for other people's success. I read other blogs and Facebook pages and sometimes I think, why can't i do that. But then I realize, this is my life, my story, and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Then I get happy for them and wish them well.