13 August 2005

This has not been a good summer for me.

I was just dwelling on the summer and it really hasn't been that good. I started racing in January and was doing really, really well when I twisted my ankle in May. That took quite a while to get over but I finally did. Then I twisted my other ankle in July. That is still not completely healed but very much better. This past week I've had a cold. I NEVER get colds in the summers. What the hell is going on?????

I don't really believe in "accidents." I believe that many things people call "accidents" are things that you allow to happen to you. But there is always a reason behind it. For instance, you have an opportunity to do something that is exciting yet scary like skydiving. You want to do it but it is big time scary, one of your biggest fears. The day before you have an "accident" maybe hurt you back and you can't dive. Now I firmly believe that you did that to yourself so you wouldn't have to face your fears. As exciting as facing your fears and conquering them can be the scary part can be down right paralyzing. I think something like this is going on with me.

I had been doing real good with my racing. I was getting better and better and really enjoying myself. Then I won 3rd place in my age group. After that things kind of went to hell. Could it be that I was afraid of not being able to repeat that? I won 3rd because they changed the date of the race and all the really fast people did a 10 miler in Pearl City. There was hardly anyone running that race; that's why I won. Do I subconciously think that's the best I'll ever do and end it on a high note. I don't think so!!! I don' t race to win. I race to challenge myself and improve myself. The only person I'm really racing out there is ME. I want to do better than I did last time. I want to improve myself.

I have my first race in months tomorrow morning and I am so scared it's not funny. It's a 6k off road race. 6k = 3.7 miles!!! That's not even 4 miles. When I started running I could run 3 miles. It's no big deal. But I'm scared because a) I haven't really been running due to both ankles; b) I have a freaking head cold; c) I'm nervous about running off road and injuring my ankle again; and d) the first part of the course is uphill - what if I can't make it. Okay, my biggest fear is that I'm going to not be able to do it and my boss will be there cause she's doing the tri afterwards. Funny how when I typed that sentence I immediatley started to calm down. I think I've found the problem. I am so busy worrying about what someone else will think I'm letting it effect my enjoyment. So what if I can't finish!! Is it the end of the world??? NO!!! Will they shoot me?? NO!!!! Will anyone point and laugh?? NO!!! The thing is I WILL finish (because I can be that stubborn). I may finish last but I will finish. So what am I so stinking worried about?? Okay, I need to spend some time visualizing the race tomorrow. I need to see myself running the course. I need to see myself finishing and feeling good. I rode my bike all the way to WW and back (30 miles round trip) and did fine. I think I can run 3.7 miles just fine......

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