09 January 2010

Hardcore was apparently only passing through

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past 3 weeks and some things have occurred to me. At this point in time I don't really have anything I'm passionate about except teaching. I absolutely love teaching and all that's involved in it. I love the planning and the grading, I love it all and am very passionate about doing it well. In my home life though, there are lots of things I love, but nothing that really gets me all excited and fired up. I don't know if it's me or just a phase I'm going through. I have danced with depression before and though I've never gotten diagnosed, because I won't take medication, I know what it feels like. Part of the problem is the house. We have run into a roadblock that I'm not sure can be moved. The worst part of this roadblock is there is nothing I can do about it. It's in the hands of other people. So we may lose the house and there's nothing we can do about it. This particular roadblock will also make it impossible for us to buy a house here in Hawaii. I'm trying to look at the bright side which may mean moving to Colorado - like we planned for 2 years. That is not bad, in fact I almost like it more than staying here. But, as I said, I have no control and nothing brings me down quicker then not being in control of my own life. Anyway, I can't change the current circumstances I can only hope that all involved will move quickly and resolve the issue. What I can do is make alternative plans. Since there is a very real possibility that this may not get cleared up, I am going to start making plans for the Colorado move. Action, or the thought of action, immediately makes me feel better. Already I can feel the cloud starting to lift. I am apparently a control freak, crazy person who needs to have something to do.

Another thing, I'm not pleased with the way my life is structured at this point. I'm not crazy about the day-to-day stuff. This probably sounds insane because this is something I can control. And I need to take control of it. I've kind of drifted along and let things happen to me and routines develop. No more. Maybe that's what leads to my depression, the not feeling in control. Well, time to take that control back and it starts right now.

No comments:

End of the year

 and I am just so completely done. I'm not necessarily tired. I'm worn out. I'm worn down. My soul has been drained out of me. I...