28 August 2010

Binge eating

There was a time when I used to binge eat. I guess technically I still do but to a far lesser extent. I used to eat until my stomach hurt and then I would keep eating. I can remember sitting there stuffing cookies into my mouth with my stomach hurting and me thinking why? Why am I doing this? I don't want these cookies, I feel sick, my stomach hurts, why can't I stop? And literally being unable to stop the action. I would get a burst of willpower and put the item away only to go back to it in 5, 10, 30 minutes. I would eat it until it was gone no matter how I felt. Then I began to gain information. I learned that I have underdeveloped taste buds and because of that I would never be able to satisfy my sweet tooth. I learned to look deep into what was bothering me and why I felt compelled to eat this way. It took years but I learned to not binge eat. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I ate until my stomach hurt and kept on eating. I think it has to be 4 or 5 years ago at least. That doesn't mean the behavior is gone completely.

In the past 2 weeks I have worked out 10 times so far. Last night would have been number 11 - notice I said would have been. Towards the end of the school day yesterday I realized I was tired. Bone weary tired. The thought of jumping around and doing cardio for an hour was the equivalent of torture at that point. Also, I was hungry. I didn't bring lunch yesterday so I did not have my afternoon apple. On the way home I decided two things; 1. I would take the night off from working out, and 2. I would stop at 7-11 and get a Moon Pie which I was craving. Overall not a bad idea but not the best one I've had. I stopped at what had to be the busiest 7-11 in the world and went and found the Moon Pies. As I was standing there I realized I didn't have any cash. Crap!!! I can't charge $1.69, so I looked around for more things I could buy. Bad idea. I ended up with a jumbo Peanut Butter Twix, the Moon Pie, and two Newton Fruit Crisps (on a side note - these are awesome and only 100 calories, I may buy these again). I paid for my items and left. I then started eating. And eating. And eating. Before I got halfway home everything was gone. Now my stomach did not hurt like it used to and I had zero desire to continue eating but I do believe this qualifies as a binge. I totaled it up and I consumed 900 calories in less than 15 minutes. By the time I got home I was much tireder than when I left school. All that sugar was entering my blood stream and it was dragging me down. As soon as I got home I had to lie down and rest for about 15 minutes. We then walked the dogs. I was completely and totally wiped out. I felt like I could not move off that couch. It was horrible. Another indication that this was a binge was my failure to mention it to my husband. If I am eating normally I will tell him if I had something on the way home so he knows not to rush dinner. Last night - silence. When dinner was ready, even though I did not feel like eating, I ate. Just enough so it wouldn't be obvious. After I ate some real food I must admit that I felt better. This morning however, I am paying for that binge. I am running to the bathroom frequently - chocolate does that to me - and I feel kind of crappy. I plan on working out this morning - I may even take 2 classes back-to-back to make up for last night, we'll see. But first I have to be able to get more than 10 feet from the bathroom.

So why did this binge happen? I'm pretty sure it was a stress reaction. My working out at nights has altered my routine and I'm feeling a little stressed about it. I feel bad when I can't spend time with the animals. I walk the dogs every night so that's time with them but the birds get gypped out of time. My workouts are during the time I used to spend in the bird room. Of course, I used to spend that time sitting on the computer in the bird room, but I was with the birds. Then, on Thursday night, Monty tried to bite me when I was putting him away. It got me to thinking that I wasn't spending enough time with him and that made me feel even more guilty. Feeling guilty I start to stress about how I can fix it and it comes down to choice between my health or spending time with the animals. Of course, if I don't have my health I won't be able to spend any time with the animals. So that's where I think this one came from.

I'm hoping that by writing this all out and delving into what happened it will be my last binge. Generally by exposing something to the light of day I can lessened it's impact and hold on me. I'm hoping that by doing this that will happened. I do know that for the next 7 days I am not eating sugar of any kind. Hey, it's a start.

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