28 September 2013

Best day of my life

This is my current favorite song and I adore this video. It brings happy tears to my eyes every single time.

This week has not been awesome. My knee swelled up to the size of a basketball (well not quite but almost) and it made walking very difficult because if it's that swollen it doesn't bend right. I tried to ignore it, and I did that because I really had no pain just swelling. That didn't work. So I took Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off of crossfit. It feels a whole lot better this morning, the swelling is gone and it works perfectly. Of course, I considered going this morning but good sense won out and I am skipping Crossfit until Monday. As much as I want to work out, I believe this is the adult thing to do. Yeah me!!!!

Plus, it's not like I have nothing to do today. I'm going to the girl's senior volleyball game at 11:30, I need to pick up some marine stuff from Hawaii Kai, then Bella has a Swissy play date at 2pm. I'll be running all over the island today. Plus, if that's not enough, I have 3 papers due tomorrow. Those I'm not too terribly worried about. I've been looking at them the last few nights so I have an idea of how I'm going to tackle them. Thankfully tomorrow I have nothing except errands.

Now, back to the purpose of this blog - health and fitness. I'm taking time to blog this morning because I'm trying to work out some things in my head. Once I decided to give Crossfit a rest, my diet went out the window. Why? Why do I do that? Why do I let that happen? It's something I really need to understand. I read another weight loss blog (and I don't remember who or I would link it) say that they don't need to know why, they just need to change the action. I'm not like. I need to understand why something happens in order to change it. I can not just try to change actions if I don't know why I'm doing it. Just so you know, I've always been that way. If I was told to do something with no explanation, I would moan about how stupid it was until I understood the why behind it. So, why does my diet go out the window when I stop Crossfit. Actually, the larger question is, why do I let my diet slip at all? (And just for the record, I'm using diet in terms of a way of eating, not in something I do for awhile to lose weight then stop)

So let's examine things. First, I realized I have kept with Crossfit longer than anything else. Every other fitness activity I have ended up quitting right around the one year mark. I'm not sure why that happens, but it has. I have now been with Crossfit for 1 year and have no intention of quitting anytime soon. So, that leads me into completely uncharted territory. When I start some new fitness activity, there is a definite pattern that follows. First, I'm in love with it and go at it gung ho. After a time, a couple of weeks to a couple of months, I will start getting injuries. Usually not severe injuries, just enough to slow me down and get me depressed. If I make it through that stage, things will get better and I'll be doing good. Then I start to get bored. Once the boredom sets in I start skipping workouts and gradually it stops. I have gone through all those stages with Crossfit, except I didn't let the bored make it quit. It almost did, but I held strong. So now I am navigating uncharted waters and I don't know what to expect next.

I probably should express some of my feelings at this point, because I know they are a huge factor in this. When I started at my box it was new and small. There were times when classes would be only me. In the past year it has grown, amazingly. Which is great, I want it to be successful and thrive. But it's also annoying because I do not do well in large groups. I just don't. I see people at the box who have formed strong friendships, going out, getting together all the time, and that is just not me. But, at the same time, it makes me feel bad. I want to be like that, but I can't compete. I know that I could join in anytime and be welcome with open arms, that's not the problem. The problem is me. I am basically a shy person and a loner. I don't know how to function in large groups with lots of people. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't make friends easily. It's complex and difficult to explain, because I don't completely understand it myself, and it's me. I just know that I feel bad seeing how close some of them have gotten and I feel like the outsider. Something I have felt my entire life and I'm really tired of it. And so, as typically happens, I hit on the main problem without even realizing it. When I read about them doing all these fun things and I am sitting home doing nothing, I feel bad. When I feel bad, I eat. Huh, I seriously think I have figured it out. So, how can I change this? Well, I can take myself out of my self-defined box and start doing things. I could start going to events they have, I know that I would be welcome that's not an issue. Maybe I need to start changing how I think about these things. A long time ago, I made a promise to myself to do something outside my comfort zone once a month. Maybe it's time to start doing that again. Going to one of these things would be definitely outside my comfort zone. So here goes. On Tuesday, October 8th, I'm going to Tokoname Tuesdays with the group. Hubby is playing poker and I can go, so I will. The next ladies WOD in Kailua, I'm there!!! I am going to start doing some of the things they do. I would go to the Open tomorrow but I really have a busy day today and need to get some papers written tomorrow. But I am definitely going to step outside my shell and start doing some things with them.

Wow, working through that and typing those last words really made me feel strong. It also took me about an hour to write that and go through all those things. I'm the one who is keeping myself from experiencing these things. So it's time to change. I may be old but I'm not dead.

Update: After I finished this post I made a startling realization. I use my Ph.D. work as a crutch to avoid things. No more. I am going to spend more time during the week working on my courses to free up weekend hours. That way I don't have to spend all of my weekend, sitting in a chair trying to write a paper or three. That will allow me more time for fun and play. It is on like Donkey Kong!!!!!

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  Motivation is not the cause of action, it is the result. You want to be motivated? Get up and go do something. - Mark Manson How many time...