26 December 2013

That dark, dark place

I just got back from Crossfit. With my knee and shoulder problems, I have been trying very, very hard to keep a good attitude. Do what I can and not get crazy with Crossfit. But it's hard. I know what I'm capable of and when I can't do it because of my knee or my shoulder, I get angry. When I get angry, I go to a very, very dark place in my head. It's weird because I don't say negative things to myself, I am just so mad and angry because I can't do what I want to. At that point I don't want to talk to anyone, I do not want to hear anyone tell me good job, I just want to suffer in silence. It's a strange reaction, but I can't help it. I want to cry and I just get angry. Nothing anyone can do can talk me down, I just go to that dark place and I can not get out.

It happened tonight. My knee has been bothering me all day and I did debate going earlier, but I decided to go. We did back squats and I could only do a few and once it got heavy I was out. Then I got angry. Angry that my knee was bothering me. Angry that I couldn't do what I knew I was capable of. Angry as hell. I am over this knee. I am calling the doctor in the morning and they are going to fix it. They are going to fix it soon and then I will be better and I will be able to do what I want to do. That dark place is no fun, and I don't want to go there anymore.

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