16 July 2016

Some soul searching

I joined this group on Facebook, the Hugs and Bacon Tribe. It is run by this guy who is kind of a big deal in paleo - The Civilized Caveman. The group though is about more than eating or diet. It is about finding your best self. About discovering what is holding you back and moving through it. About being positive and making progress no matter how small. I had just decided, earlier this week, that I needed to take a couple of steps back. The things I was trying to do was too much, too soon. I needed to go back to the beginning and take baby steps. That was when I found the group. Timing really is everything. The first thing he had us do is make a calendar and pick one new habit for the month. We also had to come up with a positive affirmation statement to say to ourselves all the time. So I picked the habit of walking in the morning and yoga in the afternoon. My affirmation statement is; I am a strong, motivated, and confident woman. I did well with both of these things for 2 days and then yesterday it all fell apart. I didn't workout at all. I never even looked at my affirmation statement, in fact when asked for it last night I actually had to look at my calendar because I couldn't remember it. Needless to say, I felt like a failure. Then the guy who runs it did a live cast and covered just these type of things. How we need to be authentic and real. How breaking old mindsets and patterns is not going to be easy and will bring up all kinds of stuff. Once again, it was just what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. So I fessed up about yesterday and forgave myself for it. Then on my walk this morning, I tried to figure out why I do the things I do. Why do I self-sabotage myself all the time? I should explain that when I wrote my affirmation, I thought I was taking the easy way out by saying the things I said. I am strong, I know that and freely admit it. Motivation I struggle with, but I figure if I said it everyday it would become self-fulfilling. The confident??? When I wrote the statement, I thought that I was confident. Sure. Well, on my walk today I realized that I'm not confident at all. I second guess every decision I make. I feel like I'm an imposer in most areas of my life. I don't feel like I'm qualified to teach chemistry, let alone AP. I don't believe that I have the skills and knowledge to write a dissertation. Who am I fooling?? That's when it hit me. That affirmation was a sneaky mind trick I played on myself. I am not confident. At least not all the time. And so much of my confidence and self esteem is tied into my weight. I am fat and so feel like a failure and therefore not confident. I AM NOT A FAILURE!! Just because I let life get to me and I lost my focus on my health, does not make me a failure. It makes me human. But the good thing is, as long as I'm still breathing I have the ability to change things up. And change things up I will. Starting today. I have always said that knowing the problem is half the battle, and now I know the problem. So the first thing that is happening is the dialogue in my head needs to change. I am going to run the 'I am confident' tape constantly. When I run into something I don't understand or am having trouble with, I will say ' I don't understand this, YET!' I will not fall into negative thoughts and patterns. I'm smart. I know what I'm doing and I just need to learn to have faith in that.

I am a strong, motivated, and CONFIDENT woman.

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