31 August 2017

Once again, I'm angry

at myself. I find that I tend to go through depressions and I think I was in a bit of one recently. When I'm in a depression nothing really gets to me. I don't get happy. I don't get sad. I don't get angry. Not true, I do get sad almost constantly. But I have no extreme emotions; joy, anger; love; etc. When I'm coming out of a depression, I find that I have some serious emotions. Lately, that emotion has been anger. I find myself angry at many things. And not just anger, but absolute rage. While I'm not one to generally support anger, I believe there is a place for it if you channel it correctly. My anger lately has been directed at myself, and that is not good. But, the things about myself that are making me angry are things I can direct my anger at. I'm angry because nothing fits me anymore. I have like 1 pair of pants (which I've been wearing to work for the last 2 weeks) and a couple of shirts. That is it. Today I'm wearing a shirt that I absolutely hate because I literally had nothing else I could stand to wear. This has got to change. Last week I found myself so angry because Hubby was ready to leave for school and I wasn't. That set my mood and I was angry the entire day. That is definitely not cool. I realized that I was angry because he was 'pushing' me to leave, so this week I have not gone to the gym at all. This way I could be ready to leave when he was. Until yesterday. When I couldn't get my orthotics to fit in my boots, so I had to change what I was wearing, then that made me late, and he's saying Let's go, Let's go, and I'm getting angrier and angrier. Yeah, it was not a pretty scene. Luckily I was able to shake off the anger before I got to school and ended up having a pretty good day, so that was good. But this anger and this feeling of being so fat I can hardly function and nothing fits has to go and it has to go now. So, a couple of things have to happen. First, I have to get up early in the morning, and I mean early. No later than 3:45. I then have to get moving. No sitting around reading Facebook or whatever. I need to get up and get moving. I want to be out of the house by 4:15 at the latest. Go to the gym, get my workout done. I also have to do this 5 days a week. My rest days will be Thursday and Sunday. I also need to start doing yoga. I know, kinda weird, but I need to. When I come home from work I generally go in the pool for a bit then sit in my chair and fall asleep. How about instead of falling asleep I do yoga. Wouldn't that be amazing? I could get some stretching in while helping myself to relax and center. In order for all that to happen, I need to be completely organized and ahead of things at work. Now I can do that, I just need to spend time on the weekends getting set up for the coming week. I've spent the first few weeks of school going day by day and that does not work for me. I get stressed if I have to run and copy something before a class and I tend to forget. So no!!! I have got to plan ahead and have everything ready for the week before Monday morning. None of this is hard, it is just a matter of doing it. Second, I want to start walking/biking to school and home. I did that last year and I really, really liked it. My eating is not bad and I kind of don't want to focus on that right now. It is not perfect, but I like it for now. Also, I know myself. If I try to change everything too drastically I will get seriously discouraged and quit. I also don't want to start everything at once because I will burn out quickly. So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to the gym in the mornings. No doing it later, no putting it off until the next day. I go to the gym on Mon-Tues-Wed-Fri-Sat, end of story, no discussion. And I'm not waiting until Monday, it starts tomorrow. I am going to start the yoga today. Why not? When I get home from school today, I will swim and then do some yoga. I've pretty much given up watching live TV. I record everything or watch it on demand. The only thing I watch live is Big Brother. So watching TV should never be an excuse for not doing something. I just have to set it in my mind that is what is happening. Plus, I only work 4 days a week. So I can do that for 4 days. It can and it will happen.

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