16 October 2018

Completely out of control

What is it with me and free time? I had last week off and things literally spiralled completely out of control. I've lost track of the finances, the things I need to do, everything. I don't like this, I don't like it at all. And it has to change right here and now. I got up over an hour ago (that would be 3:45 am) because all these things were running through my head and I couldn't sleep. So I got up to try and handle them. I did take care of a couple of things, but more importantly I realized that things are too far out of control. I need to get them back in check and I need to do that now.

I was feeling this way a little bit last night. I came home and fell asleep in my chair. Granted it was the first day back after break and I was tired. But I had shit I wanted to do. And I did none of it!!! Ugh!!!.. Seriously. No more. There are things I want to do and sleeping in my chair is not accomplishing that. So I need to revamp my whole life. Right now, I go to school, come home and jump on the computer. I have to stop that. I do like to relax when I come home, but the computer becomes a time suck that I can't get away from. I don't like that. But I need to check things on the computer. So I need to find a way to balance that. Maybe that add-on that cuts you off after a while. Or I could only look at Facebook on my phone - I hate that. Hmm...but something needs to change and it needs to change today. Right. Now.

Update:  Listening to the AltShift podcast was really well timed today. It was all about making things just a part of your life and not fitting them in. For example, do you ever wonder how you will fit a shower into your work day? Of course not. Showering is so much a part of your life that you do it and make sure you do it every single day. I was thinking this morning that I needed to define what I wanted because of the way things are going now. I have priorities but I haven't internalized those reasons. I say that I want to be healthy and I want to feel like I did last May, but I haven't completely bought into that. I haven't been willing to make it as much a part of my life as showering is. The same with training Mavy. I know the kind of dog I want, but I'm not willing to make it a complete part of my life and put the effort in that will make him that kind of dog. I guess, in a way, I was spoiled by Bella. She was such an easy dog and I keep thinking if I just wait he will ge that way too. Well, he is not that kind of dog. He is more like Axl. He is going to need constant training and reinforcement in order to be the kind of dog I want. I can do it, I just need to make it part of my life. Like I shower every morning, I walk to and from work, I train Mavy every night. That's it. Not rocket science. Just making time for priorities. And I am over social media. I spend far, far too much time on Facebook. I need to cut that cord now. I am going to set a time for 10 minutes whenever I go on Facebook and when the timer goes off, I'm out. Unless I'm looking for something, like in a group or something.

At the end of the day I'm always tired. But I have a choice at that point. I can take a nap or I can do something. On nights I have volleyball, I don't fall asleep and I make it through the night just fine. In fact, when I get home I have more energy then if I come straight home from school. When I come home from school I sit at my desk, scroll Facebook, and end up falling asleep. No more. Time for a change. One of the easiest ways to break a habit is to change a routine. So it's time to change the routine. It will be tough at first, but I know that I will feel better if I do it. So I will. The things that I want to do need to just become a part of my life and not something I have to do. 

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