25 November 2018

Feel like I've fallen into a hole

For years I lived my life in the 'when'. When I start running again. When I start eating right.... When I do this.... or that....  and I hated it. I always felt like I wasn't living my life but waiting for something to happen. Then we had the accident and my whole attitude shifted. I lived in the moment. I was focused on what was going on here and now and not thinking of some ethereal thing that might or might not happen in the future. And I liked that. I was happy and content with my life. I did things that I enjoyed and I like it a whole lot. Well, gradually over the past few months, I've fallen into old habits. I make plans and then wait for them to happen. For example, I opened a Kohl's card on Friday and spent all of Friday and most of Saturday waiting to go to Kohl's to use it. I did it for a very specific thing but still. I spent basically 2 days waiting for one thing to happen. When it happened, did anything magically change with my life? NO. After it was over I didn't feel anything particularly special other than a little happy that I had gotten the item that I wanted. I much more enjoyed life when I lived in the moment. How do I get back to that again? How do I focus on right now and not the future? How do I make plans without getting so invested in them that's all I think about. How??? How????

So here's the deal, I'm taking my life back. I know how I want to live and I'm going to do it. I'm tired of waiting for something to happen that is never going to make me happy. I need to make myself happy and I can do that by doing the things that make me feel good and are good for me. So that's it. I'm done. One of the main things I'm going to do is withdraw from social media. I will look at it, but I look at it so much now that I never see anything new. Done with that. Seriously. And I'm not spending hours at my computer unless I'm actively working on something. I hate that, yet I do it constantly. Done, done, done. Time to take my life back and make it what I want it to be.

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