30 March 2019

Letter from my future self

Self-Care:   The creation and maintenance of vitality and happiness. 

What does that mean to me? 

Vitality: The state of being strong and active; energy. 

Happiness: The state of being happy

Okay, looking just at the definitions, I guess these things mean different things to me depending on the context. So let's look at those. 

Marriage:  vitality and happiness would be to enjoy each others company, do things together that we both enjoy, have a peaceful and pleasant home life. 

Work: vitality would be the energy to do my job through the whole day and to do it well. Happiness would be enjoying what I'm doing and not just fighting to keep my head above water. I want to enjoy the lessons I do and the classes I teach and I don't want them to be a struggle or something that I 'must' do. I want to have things organized and ready so I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off every single day trying to get things together.

Vitality:  to me, that means the energy to do the things I want to do. I want to do agility with Maverick. I want to hike and explore places. I want to travel and see new things. I want a home that is clean and neat and pleasant to live in. 

Happiness: is intricately tied to vitality. In order to be happy I need to have the vitality to do the things that I enjoy. 

Dear past self, 

It has been 2 years of self-care and boy oh boy what a difference it has made in my life. I am in a much better place with myself. I no longer talk badly about myself in any way. I never say I am lazy, or stupid, or fat, or anything that is degrading in any way. I no longer do things because I think that I have to. I do things because I want to and because they bring some value to my life. I don't let others push me around or decide what is best for me. I have taken complete control of my life in all areas and I am really happy. 

It wasn't easy to get here. It took a lot of work, a lot of learning experiences, and a lot of looking deep into myself. I had to break some old habits and needed to look at things in a very different way. I needed to make myself a priority in my own life. I've always said that I do make myself a priority but that's not completely true. Two years ago I would put off things like working out, working with Maverick, going hiking, etc, because I thought it that I shouldn't leave my husband at home. Well, I don't do that anymore. If I want to workout, I workout. If I want to go work with Maverick, I work with Maverick. If I want to go on a weekend and watch an agility trial, I go. If my husband wants to go with me he can, if not, he can find some other way to amuse himself. I can't be in control of his happiness and it took me a long time to work that out. 

I work very hard to make decisions in the moment. I no longer think of what might or might not happen in the future. I work towards those things, but don't truly plan on them. I work to make my life easier and more like I want it to be. 

Two years is a long time to work on something, but 60 years is a long time to be miserable. In reality, I wasn't miserable in my life. Especially in the 10-12 years before I started the self-care. I had set up a life that I liked, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. There were still some aspects that I inadequate and inferior in and that really wasn't the case. In the last 2 years, I've learned that I am more than adequate and better than most. I do things well and I do things thoroughly. And doing things my way is what makes me really and truly happy. 

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