05 April 2019

Obstacles to Self-Care

I've done this a 1,000 times in the past. Started something amazing, went really strong for a while, then stopped. Sometimes I stopped slowly, it just gradually faded away. Other times I stopped abruptly for some specific reason. Using the past as an example, what could become obstacles to my self-care practice?

Time - the first thing that always comes to mind is the time factor. I feel, in general, like I just don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do. Now, that is absolutely ridiculous because I have the time to sit and watch TV, play stupid computer games, and scroll Facebook for hours on end. So there really is no basis for that at all. Saying I don't have time is just flat out not true.

Energy - the next thing, and closely related to time, is not having the energy. This is generally another flat out lie. If I do things I enjoy, I have plenty of energy for them. Also, with things like exercise, the more I do it the more energy I have. Also, when things become a habit, I have plenty of energy for them. I have the energy to give the dogs their pills every night even though there are nights when I just want to go to bed. I do it because it's good for them and I want them to be happy and healthy. So I find the energy and the time.

Desire - this is the biggee, at least I think it is. I frequently say, eh, I don't feel like it. And I think that I use this as a  disguise for "I'm not worth it"  In many ways, I have a very low opinion of myself. And I can't help but think that it all goes back to my brothers telling me I'm stupid and ugly when I was younger. In a lot of ways that seems like a cop-out, but I kinda think it's really true. In my formative years, I heard that a lot from my brothers, hell, I don't remember hearing much else until I got older, and that can wreck your self-confidence especially as a kid. I always feel like other people have a higher opinion of me than I do myself. How strange is that? Other people have more confidence in my abilities than I do myself. Weird.

So let's look at the whole, I'm not worth it thing. Why would I not be worth it? I teach children. I do something most people would not be able to handle. And I do it well. The students like me. The admin likes me. The other teachers like, or if they don't I really don't care. Am I perfect? NO!! Is anyone? No!! But I try really hard to do the best I can for those kids. There are others who literally just put in the time. So based on nothing else at all, I am worth it strictly because of what I do and the effort I put into it. Also, I'm worth it because I'm a nice human being. I don't go around treating people crappy or killing people. So that qualifies me as a generally nice person and just because of that I'm worth it.

I also feel like I'm not worth it sometimes because of my Husband. It's not that he makes me feel that way, though if I'm truly honest he does. There are times when I say I'm going to do something and he scoffs at it. I never delve into why he scoffs and basically just make assumptions that he thinks I can't/won't do it. Honestly, that makes me feel bad and then I usually don't do that thing. He is generally very supportive and loving, so I'm not exactly sure why he does that sometimes. I was just going to delve into why he might do that, but I caught myself and realized I can't possibly know his motivations or what is going on in his mind so I'm not even going to go there. I can't control what he does or says, the only thing I can control is how I respond to it. So if/when he does that again, I'm not going to let it get to me. Doing something like that probably says more about how he feels about himself then it does about how he feels about me. Wow, I have never really given that a whole lot of thought before and didn't even realize that was in there.

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