13 July 2005

Caution: Deep Water Ahead!!!

I just hope I can make it clear.

I've been rolling this post around in my head for a couple of days and I finally decided it's time to tackle it.

I began this weight loss journey in Oct, 1998. Now I've tried many, many times before but this time I knew was the last time. In 2 1/2 years I lost almost 70 lbs. I was incredibly proud and happy of that. But I lost it. I got so I couldn't lose any more weight; I was constantly tired; and generally feeling crappy. The doctor told me I wasn't eating enough/properly. I used that as an excuse to quit WW and try to go it on my own. I ended up gaining back about 20 lbs and decided I couldn't do it on my own. 1 1/2 years ago I went back to WW with the firm committment that this was it. I will attend meetings every single week for the rest of my life. This was a lifestyle choice I was making and something I would have to do forever. Since then I've lost about 18 lbs and have completely changed the shape and composition of my body.

In this whole time I have had to fight every single step of the way for every single victory. I would sit in meetings and hear all these things people were doing or not doing and wonder why I couldn't do those things. I would take their tips and hints and try them only to find out I had to work and work and work and work to institute these things. It used to make me so frustrated how some people seemed to make changes so easily yet for me it was next to impossible. I had to fight to make exercise a habit and still I fight to get myself out of bed every morning.

So, 1 1/2 weeks ago I decided that I had gone too far over to the dark side. I was allowing negative thoughts to completely rule my life. Now this is not typical of me but I am subject to depression so I have to watch it. On that Saturday when I had that ephiphany I decided that I would fake it until I had conquered the negative demons. Well, it worked. I have had the easiest 2 weeks since I began in 1998. Everything is coming easier. I am making the right choices and not even wanting to make not so good choices. I have been eating unbelieveably well and not even craving candy or cakes. I had to stop at the store yesterday morning and did not even consider buying a pastry ( that is a HUGE accomplishment for me).

It seems that I have been fighting myself the whole time and that I've finally given up the fight. I'm eating the things I should be eating and really enjoying it. I'm having fruit when I want something sweet and it's working. I find myself not eating when I'm not hungry. I know these things sound like little things but to me they are incredibly huge.

I've been injured (my freaking ankles) for the last 2 months and exercise has not been what I want it to be. I do tend to all or nothing thinking and since I couldn't exercise as I thought I should I tended to not do anything many times. Yesterday I decided I could walk. That would get the exercise I'm lacking lately and help strengthen my ankles so I can start running again. So last night when I got home I walked on the treadmill while I watched Hide and Seek (dude, freaky movie). This morning I got up and walked again. I can walk night and day until I'm ready to get back into my regular program.

Okay, this is not making a lot of sense but it's an important thing for me to get down. In the last 2 weeks I have made huge mental strides and I need to keep moving in this direction.....

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