Okay. For the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of deep thinking and I've come to a couple of realizations.
First, I kind of turned away from triathlon claiming I needed to lose weight. While I do need to lose weight, that was just an excuse. To myself I kept saying I just couldn't afford the entry fees what with the moving and all the new utility bills, etc. That too was just an excuse.
I turned away from tris for a number of reasons, none of which had to do with my weight (at least not so directly) or our financial situation.
I turned away because:
1) I lost my nerve. Having done 3 tris and freaked out in the swim on all of them I just plain lost my nerve.
2) I'm afraid. Afraid of not improving. Afraid of working my butt off and not getting any better. Afraid of getting better. Afraid of success. Afraid of failure. Just plain ole afraid.
3) I did lose my mojo. Totally and completely. I have, however, seen glimpses of it around here lately so I'm hopeful it will be back to stay soon.
Wow. Do you know how hard it is to admit these things?? My insides are all jumpy and anxious. But there it is.
Now, what am I going to do about it??? I've decided to face my demons head on. I'm going to do an olympic distance at the end of July. I am scared to death at the thought of this but if I don't do one soon the demon will take over my life. Actually, it has the last 6 weeks or so and I am tired of it.
I've downloaded a training plan and am ready to get started. I know that I will use all kinds of excuses to avoid training and thus the race but I'm ready. Knowing what's going on and what will happen really gives me the upper hand. It's when these things happened and I don't know what's going on then it gets the best of me. This time I'm aware of my fear and know I'll have to battle it.
You really don't know how hard that was. I've started to delete it 4 times but I have to face it head on. Very, very scary!!!!!
Okay, I'm off to bed. I have an hour long bike ride in the morning and I need to get started on my craft stuff to send out :)
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