16 March 2018

Am I a child?

I'm the first one to admit that I don't know how to be friends with someone. At least I'm not good at it. I haven't had a lot of friends as an adult, so I really haven't had the practice. That statement makes me sad but it is what it is. That being the case, I'm never sure if my reactions to something are appropriate or not. So I'll write about it here.

There is a group of 4 of us who had become pretty close, at least I thought so. We have this group chat that we all talk in and keep in touch when we can't see each other. It was all good for a long, long time but lately, things have changed and I'm not sure if I'm responding appropriately.

So here's the scoop. One of the group had to leave town suddenly on Tuesday. I haven't heard from her and so yesterday I messaged the group asking if all is okay. She responded that it was crazy and that one of the other group members had the details. So that means that she has been messaging her and talking privately. She even messaged the group chat later and then apologized stating that it was the wrong chat. This whole thing bugs me. I mean, if we are all friends why hasn't she been talking to all of us? Is she ignoring me? Am I being a child? I don't expect to be in on everything. I don't have to know everything that goes on. They have had private conversations before and it hasn't bothered me at all. I know they have lots of things in common. But this time it just really got to me. The one away posted a message a little while ago with a picture and I just ignored it. I figured she probably posted it in the wrong chat again, so I just ignored it. Childish???  Maybe, a bit. But it appears that I thought this friendship was more than it apparently is. As is typical, my knee-jerk reaction is to just pull back. I have a history of not fighting for friendships and just pulling back and pulling away. Childish??? Maybe.

Okay, my mindfulness just kicked in. Note to self, I need to start meditating again. But really, I don't know any of this for a fact. I'm making some of this up in my head. The two who are communicating are very soft, loving, nurturing people. I am not. I am practical (unless it comes to myself), logical, and don't put a lot of stock in nonsense thinking. So, what am I doing? Nonsense thinking. Okay, I think I've talked myself out of this. I'm only thinking thoughts. I'm applying meaning to something that probably has no meaning. Those two tend to stay up later and rise earlier than I do. They also know that I need sleep, lots of sleep, and could be doing it so my phone doesn't go crazy. There have been nights when I haven't responded to the group chat because I just didn't feel like it. They didn't kick me out. I'm definitely overreacting and probably being a bit childish. I think I will back off and just let things be until they return and things return to normal.

On another note, I see now exactly how that mindfulness is supposed to work. I was lost kind of deep in emotions and nonsense. By stepping back and saying, wait, what is really happening here, I talked myself out of the emotional side. Feelings are what they are and I am a little hurt by what happened, but I can't assign any meaning or intention to it because that is just nonsense. I can say that hurt my feelings, but I can't assume they did it for any reason under the sun. Wow, that was kind of an eye-opener. I think I'm going to stay away from the chat for the weekend just to keep those emotions from kicking in again. I actually feel better.

Edited:  So I meditated for the first time in 11 days. That is bad. But I realized one of the problems. I got stuck on 10 minutes. I do that. I get into that all or nothing thinking and that is ridiculous. But I was stuck on 10 minutes. So I decided to get back into meditation right now, tonight, and I did 5 minutes. It was perfect. Just like we did in Activate, I'll increase the time 1 minute every week. Until I get back up to 10. I will also work to get it in earlier in the day. Maybe get back to doing it when I get up. That was perfect. Anyway, I meditated and I'm back to doing it again. 

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