23 September 2019

Morrning Pages Day 2

So here we are again. Last night I had the beginnings of an episode with my stomach. I awoke to a feeling of bile in my mouth. That has been the precursor to an attack in the past, so I freaked a little. Proped myself up on my pillows so I wasn't laying flat, went and drank some milk to have something in my stomach, and hoped for the best. It should be noted that I did not have dinner last night. I went to Trader Joe's and bought a bunch of garbage then pigged out on that. Hubby was at a friend's watching the game and didn't get home until after 6. I did not feel hungry from my junk food binge so no dinner. Before bed I felt a little hungry and had 1/2 a ham sandwich. That clearly did not do it. But all of this provides data which is really what I need to narrow this thing down. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced it's IBS. That's a good and a bad thing. Good because it's not life threatening. Bad because who wants to live with this? So yeah, there's that.

In other news, I went shopping yesterday. I'm feeling really down because of my weight and lack of activity. When I went to the docs I weighed in at 207. I haven't weighed myself in months and I knew I had gained but that was an eye-opener. That then leaves me with a dilemma. Do I go back on AltShift at this point and risk my stomach acting up? Or do I conintue the path I'm on but reign myself in from junk food binges and start working out again? The plus side to eating this way is that I'm feeling good. I have energy and I'm getting things done. The downside is that I'm gaining weight. I truly believe that I need to let go of the weight thing and just work on being happy and healthy. I'm closer to that then I've ever been but still not quite there yet. The self care initiative is helping but it's weird because he keeps repeating the same topics. Yes I understand that self deprication is a huge problem with most women, me included, but pointing it out for a week and moving on doesn't seem to be doing much good. I think it really needs to be dug into. Why do I do that? When do I do that? things like that. not just noticing it for a week and then moving on. of course, noticing it is the first step in changing something. so maybe it is a way to go. who knows?  I certainly don't.

So I did go shopping yesterday. I decided to face the fact that most things don't fit me. So I bought some new pants and some new workout clothes. I felt like I only had one sports bra that fit and I was wearing it for everything. So I bought some new ones in a larger size. I need to work out and I thought new clothes might help. The fact that pool season is almost over will definitely help. I would come home from school and it would be super hot and I'd jump in the pool for an hour or so and that would pretty much wreck the rest of the day. Now that the pool is too cold to get in, I can take Mavy on a walk or something for that hour or so. I want to start working seriously on the Recaller's games. I can take him to the park and work on those for a while before dinner. Then on the weekends we walk. There are so many walking places here in Tempe it's amazing. So we will do that. Then I want to start hiking again. We were supposed to go this weekend but I was feeling a little down. Hubby had a head cold all weekend and I was afraid of getting it. So I"m not sure if that is why I felt a little down or if everything is just getting to me. I don't know. I go through bouts of being down. I don't want to use the word depression because it's usually not that bad, thought it can get that bad.

Which leads me to my friends. I feel like we've really lost touch with some of our friends. I thought it was the Tempe move

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  Motivation is not the cause of action, it is the result. You want to be motivated? Get up and go do something. - Mark Manson How many time...