24 July 2021

Time to process

 One of the things that I do regularly is walk Maverick along the canal near my house. It's about a 2 mile walk round trip and I love it. We walk along a canal that has walkers, runners, bikers, roller skaters, and no cars. It is awesome. One of the benefits of that walk is that I can talk to Maverick and work out things that are in my head. I had not realized how much I needed that time and that processing. It is now summer in Phoenix and you don't walk very far at all if you can help it. So there have been no canal walks just some quick trips around the block before the sun comes up. As a result, there has been no talking things out and no real processing time. And I didn't realize how much I missed it and needed it. Yesterday was raining all day - it was glorious - and around 3pm it had stopped raining and was only ~75F outside. So Mavy and I walked the canal. It was awesome. I talked with Mavy the whole time and worked out some things that were inside my head. It was then that I realized how much I need that walking every day. It's raining again today and I'm thinking I'll be able to get another canal walk in today, but when it stops raining I don't know what I'll do. I could get up early and walk super early, but I also return to work on Monday. I will clearly need to work on this and process it. 

As for what I worked on yesterday.... On Thursday I went to school to put my room back in order. I wore a pair of workout shorts and a tank top. At one point I got a look at myself in the mirror and realized that I am huge. The thing was there was no anger or self-loathing or self-depreciation there. It was kind of factual. I have gotten large. It brought home the fact that what I've been doing is not working. What have I been doing you ask? Well, I've been going to the gym when I feel like it. I haven't been walking much. I bought a stand-up desk and haven't had it up in probably 3-4 days. I've been eating pretty much whatever is put in front of me and I've let junk food sneak into my diet again. Also, my sleep has been suffering because of all of the above. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I have also found myself living inside my head far, far too much. So as we walked yesterday we talked about this and it kind of felt like a putting my foot down moment. I'm not emotional about it. I just want things to change. I know how to make them change. I just need to do the things required. No emotion. No self-depreciation. No beating myself up. Just change. I need to make movement and working out a priority that is non-negotiable. I go back to work on Monday which means that I will have to work out in the afternoons on my way home. I just have to do it. I need to determine what exactly my goals are for this life and focus on those. 

I was just listening to a video and had a revelation. I assume things for other people. I see other people who go to the gym regularly and think they must not have to work. I don't know that. They could be even busier than I am and still they make the gym and their health a priority. I need to stop that. 

Time to engage robot mode and just do the things that I know I should be doing. 

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