01 June 2022

Yesterday was an emotional day

 We let Bella go yesterday and it was very, very emotional. I'll be writing about it in detail over on Feather, Fur, and Fins, but I did want to set the stage here. The good news was that I allowed myself to be incredibly sad most of the day. I cried in the morning. I cried in the afternoon. I cried when it happened. I cried after. The point is, I didn't think that I needed to be strong for anyone except me. And if that meant I cried a lot, I cried a lot. It was rather freeing not trying to be strong for anyone. I talked with Hubby during the day about the event coming and about Bella. We laughed, we cried, we were sad and it was all okay. Feel the feelings. In the past I have felt like I had to hold it in so that I didn't upset Hubby or whatever (I'm not even clear on my thinking here) but yesterday I just let it go. I had to deal with my stuff and he had to deal with his stuff and we had to deal with our stuff together. It was actually very good. Trying to protect someone never, ever works out. So it was very, very sad day but I already feel like I'm dealing with it this morning. I'm thinking about her and not crumbling into a sobbing mess. Am I still sad? Yes. But I also realize that I did this for her, not me. 

Okay, time to move on - not forget - just move on. Today is June 1. I have been out of school for 5 days and I haven't really done much of anything. Been to the gym once. Did Supernatural a couple of times. We knew this was coming with Bella and all my energy was kind of focused on that. It's hard to think or do other things when you know your going to say goodbye to your a piece of your heart. Yes, it's an excuse but it's also the truth. I also was taking some days off from almost everything to kind of recover. This school year took it out of me and I needed some time to get over it. I'm beginning to feel like I have.  So, since this is June 1st and I have lots of things I want to work on this summer and I am a sucker for new beginnings, new starts, whatever you want to call them. Today it really begins. 

I have laid out a workout plan for the next two months that involves going to the gym 4 days a week. Monday/Tuesday and Thursday/Friday. I will be alternating upper and lower body workouts. I will also be doing Supernatural every afternoon. I can't decide if I should take a day off completely or not. My reasoning is that Supernatural is not a super long workout and usually not particularly intense. So I will have to see how I feel and if I feel the need I will take a Saturday or a Sunday off completely. I am also focusing on food!!! I've been pretty good but I want to be really good. I'm okay with the sugar, that is not really a problem. And I'm okay with the alcohol, that's not much of an issue either. It's the actual food. Eating bread, though I can do that occasionally. Eating enough is really my problem. Left to my own devices I will just nibble and not eat enough, so that's where my focus will be. Measuring and logging my food. 

Alright, time to walk Mavy

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