A couple of years ago I discovered the concept of equanimity. Equanimity is defined as mental calmness, composure, and even temperedness through difficult situations. That is something that I strive for. I really, really do. It's a constant work in progress, but something that I have been working on since I discovered it. I'm fairly successful at maintaining my equanimity in most situations. I can usually blow off getting upset over something by telling myself this is out of my control. I am therefore able to step back from a situation and watch it unfold without really getting involved in it. I thought I was doing really good at this. Until 2 weeks ago.
2 weeks ago I lost it in class. I mean I lost it. Big time. I have not lost it like that in class in a very, very long time. And I didn't realize how shaken my equanimity had been until days, I mean daaaays, later. Seriously, this thing happened. I let these emotions just take control of me and kick me around. But it took days and days to realize what had happened. That tells me that I need to work more on my equanimity. I have taken for granted that I was working on this and yet that quickly it slipped away from me. This awoke me to the fact that I was slipping slowly back into old habits. I can't let that happen. I need to keep moving forward not backwards. So, time to step it up again.
I need to start focusing, again, on what is going on inside my head. I thought I had a decent handle on it, but it looks like I didn't. So it's back to serious meditation - some of those I've been phoning in lately. Not letting outside things influence me. Remembering, at all times, that I am in control of my emotions. No one can make me feel or think anything. That is all under my control. I think I'm going to make a sticker that says equanimity and stick it in a few places, namely at school. I have to remember to maintain my equanimity at all times.
On a different matter, C went to the doctor yesterday and was given some harsh news. His blood pressure is through the roof and he needs to start taking pills for it. They also did some blood work and I'm sure there will be other things that show up. I have tried to tell him that sitting around drinking mixed drinks all night is not good but all he does is get angry with me when I do. So I have taken to not even mentioning it and when he gets drunk and becomes stupid, I just leave. See, maintaining my equanimity. Last night he didn't drink at all. He was his normal, happy self. He says that he slept good and felt great when he woke up this morning. Hopefully that will show him that all that drinking is definitely not good for him. I can hope.
That's it for now. I have a post for my other blog and I want to get that done.
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