04 September 2022

Not your normal post

 I think I may have reached my limit with my husband. I think we might be nearing the end. In order to completely understand, we need to go back. 

I'm not typing the word husband all the time, so I'm going to call him C from now on. C has always drank (I don't know the proper tense of that verb, weird). Our very first date was hanging on the beach and drinking beer. Since then alcohol has always been a part of our lives. And it's been relatively fine up until the past few years. C's choice of alcoholic beverage has almost always been beer with some hard drinks now and again on special occasions. Then, in January 2021, he was hospitalized with Covid. He was in intensive care for 7 days. It was very, very scary. He was literally hours away from being put on a ventilator. He came out of the hospital after 7 days and was home for another 4-5 weeks while he completely recovered and regained his strength. It was a very scary, scary time and it seemed like it had changed him. He was talking about starting to go to the gym, taking better care of himself, etc. I was all in and ready to help in any way that I could. Then, and I don't know when this happened or exactly how it happened, but he started drinking hard drinks. Initially it was one or two and I don't think it was every night, just once in a while. But gradually it increased and increased over time until now. Almost every night he drinks a couple, 3-4, hard drinks before dinner. This usually makes him partially drunk. When he is drunk, he is not a nice person. He can't speak to me normally. He treats me like shit. Everything is fuck this, fuck that, this person is stupid, that person is stupid. I hate it. When he gets like that I have to hold my tongue and basically just withdraw from him completely. I can't talk to him because there is no logic in his brain at that point. Also, he never remembers the next day what happened so why bother. I've talked to him about it before and things would get better for a little while, but they will inevitably deteriorate into something like last night. Last night he could not understand why the spa was at 98F and he kept wanting me to turn it down. It was turned down to 90F, it was just getting hot from the outside temperature. But he could not understand that. He wanted to turn the spa down so it would get cooler. He could not understand that is not how spas work. So then he decided that we should leave the cover open so the heat will  escape. I didn't argue with him but when we got out of the tub, I closed the top and he never remembered about leaving it open. He kept insisting that a particular control adjusted the nozzle he was using when it doesn't. We went through the controls the night before and he completely forgot. He forgets a lot of things. A. Lot. Of. Things. But will then deny or have an excuse why he forgot. He refuses to accept that the alcohol is making him a different person. 

I honestly think I have reached the end of my patience with him. I can't live this way anymore. I'm either holding my tongue or figuring out how to say something so he doesn't get pissed off. And bottom line is that I'm not really happy here. In general I am very happy with my life. I love where I work. I love where I live. I love my house and my yard. I love almost all aspects of my life. And I think that is why I am able to realize that this one piece makes me unhappy. And I don't want to be unhappy. I am reaching the point in my life where my happiness is almost more important than anything else. This is my time to really enjoy my life. But at the same time, I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to give up this house, I love it too much. Also, I don't know that we would be able to afford to live separately at this point, rentals are so high. So what do I do? We could exist basically as roommates. Seriously. I could move into the spare room and I have my office over here so I could basically live in this part of the house and he could have the master. We could share the kitchen. But how do we pull apart the finances? All our money gets deposited into one account. Maybe I pay the bills out of that and give him, and me, an allowance to live on? I don't know. That would take some work. We've been so tied together for so long, I'm not sure how we would go about splitting things up. I'm not sure that's even what I want to do, but I know that I can't go on living like this. But at the same time, I'm not going to ask him to change, he's a grown ass man and can do what the h*ll he wants to. This really is a me problem and not a he problem. I need to be sure that I know how I want to move forward though. I'm not going to ask him to fix it, I need to know how I want to live. I need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. 

We are having some people over today so the conversation will not happen today. And I think that's a good thing. I need some time to work things out in my head. I will just take some time and try to figure things out before talking to him. 

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