15 January 2023

Examining Self Worth

 I'm not valuable because: 

  • I have a tendency to start and not finish things
  • I can be extremely judgmental of other people
  • I feel like people don't take me seriously
  • I have a tendency to not speak up for myself
  • I will sometimes take the easy out of a situation
  • I don't follow through on things
  • I have a bunch of unfinished projects in my closet
  • I have some great ideas but no drive behind getting them done
  • I feel like an imposter at my job

This is ridiculous. How many people, some that I know personally, have started things and never finished them? Lots and lots. For lots and lots of reasons. If this is why I consider myself not valuable, that is completely insane. 

As for people not taking me seriously, that's because I don't push myself or my knowledge. I know things. I really and truly know things. But I tend to sit back and let others take the lead in things I'm knowledgeable in. So that's on me not them. I feel like they don't take me seriously but I don't show them what I know so yeah. Which is also the tendency to not speak up for myself or to take the easy way. I may know the right thing, but I don't speak up and I just go with the flow and take the easy way. Yeah, those are all tied in together and those are all on me. Not anyone else. 

Yeah, this is rather eye-opening. I do have a tendency to feel I'm not valuable but it's not for my body or the way I look. It's for my perceived intelligence and seriousness. Interesting. Very interesting. 

I also tend to be judgmental of other people based on perceived intelligence of them. While I'm feeling that I'm not valued for my intelligence, I also judge others based on my perceived superior intelligence. That is confusing even to me and I know what I'm saying. So I feel judged for my intelligence and in turn I judge others for theirs. Huh. 

I also have a habit of downplaying my intelligence because I know that I don't know everything. So when I see someone being so sure and so positive in what they think they know, I judge them. Wow!! This is truly eye-opening. Maybe that's why I enjoy teaching so much. I know that I know more than my students and I don't judge them for not knowing things because they are learning. Every adult though is fair game for my judgement. 

So I am valuable and I need to start expressing my intelligence. I remember how good I feel when someone acknowledges my intelligence or knowledge or thinking skills. I feel on top of the world when that happens. 

So how do I get past this? I don't want to judge people because what I see is not their true intelligence, it's only a momentary thing. And god knows I do a lot of things that could be perceived as unintelligent. 

I also feel very inferior when I think people are smarter than me. So in my crafting, I look at things people are doing and wonder why I can't do that. Have I tried to learn? Not really! Am I smart enough to learn? Absolutely. I know I can do it, I just need to learn it.

I'm kind of flummoxed here. I don't know where to go with this info. I'm not completely sure how to handle it. I know for me awareness is 99% of the issue. Once I am aware, I will remain aware and can work to change it. So I will see how that goes for now. Awareness is the start. 

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