07 January 2023

Lying to myself

 I've been doing that a lot lately. A. Lot. I kind of knew I was doing it but I had ways to justify and logic it out. Well, no more. It is time to not only get real but get serious. 

So at the cabin in Strawberry, the bathroom mirrors came down to around hip height. I should explain that the only mirrors we have in this house, in the bathrooms and bedrooms, do not really allow for full view. The bathroom mirrors, both of them, only come to waist height at most. The full lenght mirror is blocked by the bed and I hardly ever look at it when I'm naked. I only use that for looking at how my clothes look. Well, the cabin mirrors were lower and as I stepped out of the shower my excess bodyfat was visible in all it's glory. I did not get upset or say anything unkind to myself. I actually looked at it and thought, WTF?? I've been lying to myself. What I'm doing is not working. Not. At. All. By not really looking at my body, I have been able to decieve myself that I was making progress and things were okay. They are most definitely not okay. I have a lot of bodyfat that I need to lose and I need to start working on it now. Enough with the self deception, time to face facts and get serious. I did step on the scale this morning and it read 211 which is the lowest it's been in months. But the truth is I know that I'm losing muscle tone. I know it. I don't do enough to maintain what I have let alone build more. So that is a huge problem. So I know what needs to be done, it's just a matter of doing it. 

I think I need to shift my focus a little bit. I have been hyperfocused on getting this craft business up and going. The truth of the matter is, it's going to take time and I'm trying to rush things. So maybe a step back from that, at least make it second priority, and make my health the first priority. Face it, without my health there will be no craft business. So I need to shift my priorites and relegate my craft business to the weekends. If I set it in my mind, I will follow through with it. I just have to change my thinking before anything else will change. 

I also need to focus on working out regularly and a lot more than I do now.  I have had 2 weeks off and I have gone to the gym twice or three times - see, I don't even know. 

This is not me beating myself up, not at all. This is much more like an eye-opener. I was not truly seeing what was, or was not, happening and now I am. I always say that for me awareness is the first, crucial step to anything. Once I am aware I can change it. Well, now I am aware. It's time to start changing. 

And it's not that I'm going to do anything very drastic. I'm going to focus on doing what I know works. Mindfulness. I'm going to start and finish the Weakless Challenge. I've started it a couple of times but have never made it through the first week. I am going to make workouts a priority, every day. My craft business will be relegated to the weekends and holidays. That's the way it has to be. No emotion. No anger. No hurt. No beating myself up. The things I want are sort of contradictory, so I need to balance them and do what is best for me. 

Okay, off to work on the Weakless Challenge. 

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