21 August 2023

Time for some deep introspection

 I should be meditating right now, but I have something weighing on my mind and I really need to get it off. So here goes.....

Saturday morning we went to a pancake breakfast fundraiser that the football team was having. The details are unimportant but I ended up getting very snippy and nasty with Hubby in front of some school people. Not my greatest moment. I've been ruminating on it all weekend and trying to stop thinking about it, but it keeps popping back up. I have finally decided that there is something I'm missing there and I need to spend a little time digging into it. 

This rumination has brought to the surface a couple of things I'm not proud of. First, my equanimity is not as good as I thought it was. I try very, very hard not to let things get to me - but they still do. So working on that is something that I need to move to the top of my list of things. I can't let what others do and say get to me, I just can't. Whatever they may do and say cannot affect me in any way unless I let it. So I need to get my equanimity back and keep it. It's very easy to maintain equanimity when you are staying home and control everything, like this summer. It's much harder to keep it when you have to deal with people on every day. So, equanimity is top of my list. 

Second, as I thought about this episode, I realized that Hubby is only one I snap at like that. Why? Many things have changed about our relationship over the years and to put it bluntly, he's getting older and is not so good at some of the things he used to be good at. As a result the dynamics of our relationship have shifted a bit. And apparently that irritates me. Well, that's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. He is the one person that I can count on 1000% of the time and he's the person I get snappy with? No. That stops here and now. No more of this nonsense. I love him. I do. Is he annoying, absolutely, but so am I. We are all annoying in some ways. So I just need to get over it and focus on the good parts. 

So, as I type this more things are coming up. I've become more negative. I have. I have always prided myself on the fact that I was generally positive, but I find myself becoming more negative. That definitely needs to stop right now. I am focusing on the stuff that bothers me, some of which I can't do anything about, and letting the good stuff slip through the cracks. NO MORE!!!! Starting right here and now that changes. 

This week I will do the following: 

  • No complaining - that means no getting irritated, no snapping, no nothing. No negativity in any way. 
  • Express gratitude - every single day, especially for things I may not like. There is always some good in every thing. Time to start focusing on that. 
  • Memento Mori - time to get back to living in the moment. No ruminating, no wishing for different things, no getting angry, just living in the moment - it's the only one that I have. 
I knew there was something deeper that needed to get out and I knew that the only way to really find it was to dig deeper here. I'm glad I did this. I want to get my meditation in later, during my prep, but this was absolutely worth doing. I had lost sight of a couple of things and it's time to get them back. 

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