08 July 2024

Why

 I have a pretty fabulous life. I really do. Especially when you consider the way I started out. Everyone was sure I'd end up dead. But somewhere along the line, I got my act together and really do have a pretty fabulous life. I have a job that I really like, most of the time, and I feel like I'm making a difference in the world. My bosses are amazing as people and as bosses. I have never worked for people that made it such a pleasure to work there. And I get paid decently for it. I'm married to a man who has put up with all my nonsense over 35 years, and lord there has been nonsense. I never thought I would be married for that long because they were all losers. I have a house that I really, really love. We've been able to make the backyard just what we want and I love it. I've managed to make it to 65 without any major illnesses or injuries. Yes, I'm getting a lot more aches and pains lately but I think that has to do with my lifestyle. So things are good. Really, really good. I have more than I ever could have imagined I would have and yet................ I get jealous of people. I do. And I'm not quite sure why. Do I really want more than I have? Okay, let's look at it. 

We have some friends who came into a lot of money a few years back. They were apparently rolling in it. I got a little jealous because I thought, man I would like to come into money. I would love to have money just handed to me like that. But then I watched them and saw that they apparently went through it and are only slightly better off than they started. Hmmmm.....  Then I have another friend who is possibly going to come into a few million. I think about that and I am a little jealous. I have had to work hard my entire life and I've worked for everything we have. Now think about it, is that bad? No. I appreciate everything we have and everything we've worked for so that's good. What would I do if someone handed me a few million dollars? I'd pay off all our bills and that's about it. I wouldn't quit my job, I'm really questioning retirement lately. I would probably travel more but even that would be limited due to Maverick. So what? I would have a few million sitting in a bank? The thing is I want money to do the things I want to do, but I don't want money just to have money. I don't know.

The thing that brought this whole line of thought up was my sister. She is currently living in Hawaii and there are times when I get jealous of her for living there. Now, I'm trying to figure out exactly why. I lived there for 27 years and left because of the way things had gotten there. Do I miss it? Sometimes. But, as I tell people, I miss the Hawaii that we moved to in 1990, I don't miss Hawaii the way it is now. So why should I be jealous that she's living there? I should be happy for her. For the first time in her life she is supporting herself and really being an adult. That should make me happy. 

So, am I that petty of a person that I can't be happy for other people and I have to be jealous of them? Would I want their lives? Never!! Am I completely happy in my life? I really, truly am. So what is the issue? Am I just a small person with no ability to rejoice in other's good fortunes? Maybe. Maybe because I never had anything handed to me, I do get a little jealous when people are handed things. Not that any of these people were just handed things out of the blue, they all came at a cost to the receiver. Maybe because I feel like my life has been pretty good, no major ups and downs through the whole thing. Maybe I don't know how to not feel jealous because none of those things have ever happened to me. But I haven't needed them. I've managed to take care of myself my entire life. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just tired of being an adult and am jealous when others don't have to be. But that makes no sense at all either. 

I don't know. Maybe I do need to talk with someone to figure this out. I know that feeling this way makes me a small, petty person and I do not want to be that person. Maybe I need to speak with someone and figure it all out. 

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