21 February 2010

This much I know....

For the past few months I've had the feeling I was working my way up to a major revelation.  I can't explain it but I've been making some life altering (to me) discoveries of myself. Buying this house has been a trial you would not believe.  It has been an emotional roller coaster with lots of ups and downs.  There were a number of times where I said I was done and wanted to just end it.  Luckily I had a fabulous loan officer who absolutely would not let me give up.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and I think I may have figured out the reason for this.

I've had things come to me pretty easily most of my life.  I really have.  I wanted something and generally would get it.  I decide it's time to lose weight and I did.  75 lbs.  I decide to run a marathon and I do.  Twice.  I decide to do triathlons and I do.  I decide I want a new bike and I go get one.  I decide I want a new car and I go get one.  Really.  It's been like that most of my life.  I talk about working hard and you can get what you want, but really things have come pretty easy.  I never had to work that hard for anything.  As a result of that I have a tendency to give up if things get too tough.  I have no mental or physical toughness because if it's too hard I don't do it.  I generally use the excuse that things work out the way they are supposed to, and while I do believe that I think I've been using it as a crutch for a long while now.

For the past couple of years I've had the feeling that I've just been flowing along with life.  I haven't really been pursuing things I enjoy or want to do, I've just kind of been going where life takes me.  That's good for somethings but not good for others. I did pursue a career change and became a teacher but accepted the first job that came along.  Okay, bad example because I love my job but you get the idea.

So I really think that the lesson I'm supposed to learn in all of this is that I need to pursue the things I really want. I want to be a runner again but getting up early is hard and running is hard and eating right is hard and so I end up not following through. I want to get back into triathlons but training for swimming-biking-running is hard, the water is cold this time of year, riding a bike is hard, finding the time to fit all three in is hard, and there's the running thing......so I don't do it.

So basically it's time to take back my life.  It's time to stop being a spectator and letting things happen to me.  It's time to take the reins again and start doing the things I love.  I love being active and being outside.  I love feeling my muscles and sweating.  I love participating in races (notice I don't say competing because I don't really compete). So starting today I am in the drivers seat.  I will get back to pursuing the things I love to do. I will get up in the mornings and workout - even though it's hard.  I will eat right and lose weight - even though it's hard.  I will again run, bike, and swim - even though it's hard.  Because nothing feels as good as doing something that's hard and succeeding.  I got it.

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