28 June 2011

Control Freak

As hard as it is for me to admit, I really have to admit - I'm a control freak. I like to think that I am a go with the flow type of person. That I can adapt to change and move on easily. But the truth of the matter is I'm not. I need to be in control and know what's going on. I need to have at least a handle on things or I become overwhelmed and start to shut down.

I have had a huge pile of crap on my desk for weeks. The stack was getting bigger and bigger and I was just ignoring it. As a result I wasn't really working on anything I needed to be working on because I would have needed to dig into that huge stack and I just couldn't face it. It seemed like far to monumental a task. So I started to shut down. I stopped working on things. I stopped thinking about things. I just would get on the computer and play games. Just play games. And eat. When I shut down I eat. So yeah, that wasn't working for me at all.

Then the other day I just got inspired. I went out and ran for the first time in forever and it felt good (okay, it was agony physically but mentally it felt awesome). When I got back I was inspired and decided to tackle the things I was avoiding head on. I worked my way through that pile opening, filing, or tossing every piece of paper. I got it all cleaned up and organized. I made some to-do lists. I filled in my calendar with important dates. I paid some bills. There's still crap on my desk but it's not a mess and I know what everything is.

What is the result of this cleaning? Well, it was kind of a mental enlightenment. Once my desk was clean and I knew where things were (literally and figuratively) I felt much better. Once that part of my life was organized I was ready to get other parts in order. I was ready to make plans and look at things realistically. It felt good and very freeing.

This caused me to think about some things in my life. One of the things that had been weighing most heavily on my mind, and that I was avoiding my strenuously, was our financial situation. I had a pile of bills sitting unopened because I did not have the money to pay them. Once I sat and opened them and went through them I found it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. This got me to thinking about when I was in my best shape. It was a time in my life when I had everything under control. I had a job where I was making good money. Charlie was making good money. We were living at the ranch in a house on the beach. Things were going well, very well. As a result I was working out a lot and worked myself into the best shape of my life.

Then things started to go downhill. Wow, I can really see it so clearly now. First we went on vacation and spent way more money than we should have. Next, the truck caught fire and not only did we have to replace it but we still owed money on the burnt one. Then we got evicted from the ranch house and had to find a new place to live. Not only did we have to come up with first, last, deposit, etc. we had to face the reality of paying market rent which we had not been paying at the ranch. Yikes. Then we moved to Waimanalo in a place I hated for the 4 years we lived there. I wasn't happy there even though we were getting the money in a really good place. I hated the neighborhood. I hated the neighbors. I hated that place. Then we bought this place and the money got bad again. Our mortgage was more than our rent - a lot more - and we were struggling. Then Charlie lost his job and things went from bad to worst. During all these things I had a hard time staying motivated to work out and my eating was horrible. The less control I had the less motivation I had. And my weight kept creeping up and up.

On the Biggest Loser they bring in financial people to help the contestants get their financial situation in order. Seems to be a connection between your financial situation and your weight. I think I am finally seeing that connection. For me the connection is just being in control of my life, or at least feeling like I'm in control. When I feel like things are out of control I retreat into the house and hide out with food. When I feel in control I want to get out more and move my body and do things.

So I have made a step in the right direction. I need to continue on this path and maintain what control I can in order to do the best for me. Once I got hired at Walgreens I started to feel more in control and now that I have a few paychecks under my belt, the feeling of control is getting stronger.

Bottom line: I need to maintain control of all aspects of my life in order to maintain control of my health.

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