24 August 2013

Depression


I have never been diagnosed with depression, but I have battled it my whole life. I like to say I dance with it. I'm not sure when it started but I have had it on and off for years. Never to the point where I couldn't function, but I can see how that could happen. As I look back over the past year, I see a pattern that is all too familiar to me. A pattern I would really like to break.

I started at Crossfit a year ago, almost exactly, and was very excited about it. I went as often as my body would let me and I lost weight and got stronger. It was great, I loved it. Then earlier this year I injured my shoulder. That slowed me down and took some of the fun out of Crossfit since it was difficult and painful. Then I injured my back, and that is something not to mess with - the back. The back slowed me down a lot more than the shoulder did, and I'm still babying it. Somewhere between the shoulder and the back, depression started to creep in. I lost the enjoyment of Crossfit and it started to become an item on my to-do list. I missed more than I went. Many times when I went, I would only put in half an effort. And it started getting worse and worse. The worse thing about depression, is that I did not realize what was happening until I was in it rather deep. I reached a point where I found little joy in anything. I could still get through my day just fine, but I was exhausted and really just going through the motions. There was no joy in any part of my life. I even started listening to talk radio - a sure sign that I am depressed, talk radio makes you angry and you feel hopeless. That does not help.

There are also a couple of things weighing on my mind that do not help my mental state. So, as I do when I get into the habit of poor eating choices, it ends here. I am drawing a line in the sand and depression can not cross that line. I will work on an attitude of gratitude. There is something to be thankful for in each and every moment, I will find one a day. I will force myself to do the things that I know are good for me; Crossfit and eating right. Also, I'm moving away from Paleo - at least for now. Eliminating carbs can cause depression and so they are back for a while. I am going to count calories and eat right, but carbs are back for now. Let's see if they make a difference. I started eating them yesterday and I had more energy than I've had in a while. I think I just need to not go crazy. It's okay to have meals without carbs but I will eat them in moderation. I need to go back to the food as fuel thing. That's all it is, fuel. I need to remember that and not let the food get the best of me. I know that when I am feeling good, I eat better and workout more just for the fun of it. So that will be my focus. I am also going to add more cardio in as that will help me lose the weight. So in the mornings I will start with walking and work up to running. I love to run and I want to do it. So I'm going to work my way back to it.

Last night I bought a shredder and shredded some documents I've had for a while. It's kind of symbolic in a way. I'm clearing things out and shredding the depression. I'm making room for a positive attitude of gratitude.

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