19 September 2015

My age is showing

Because I love this song.....
Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me What a long, strange trip it's been.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

I was sitting at work the other day chatting with my friend who is still at the other school - that hellhole. She was telling me about things that had happened there and I am able to see the future because I know how the crazy lady at the helm works. One thing that happened that is so typical of that place is a parent yelled at my friend for writing his son up. The parent happens to be a coach and over there coaches are gods and can do no wrong. So naturally they think they can get away with that type of behavior because they can. This caused me to think about the place I'm at now. I am so happy there. I like the other teachers a lot. I truly love the students and I think they like me. I have become the room where students hang out in before and after school. I'm not sure how that happened, but it did. But I am truly happy there. I have a good friend, a BFF, who I get along with really well and we laugh a lot. I find I'm not looking at job postings every single day. In fact, I never look at job postings. I used to tell myself that I was looking because I needed more money, but that was a lie. I was so miserable, I just wanted out of that hellhole. I had lost the real purpose of teaching. I had lost the fact that I was trying to touch the future. That I was trying to make a difference. I had completely lost that. That place became a job, a horrible job, that I just hated going to every day. I used to wake up every single morning and think 'I'm calling in sick today.' Every. Single. Day. At this school, I never think that. Never. I have to take off Monday because of my idiot neighbors and I hated doing it. I would much rather work. I like that place, I like the people, I like the kids, I just like it there.

At the old place, I make some really good friends. The faculty was really tight there and very friendly. I used to joke, that was because we all had a shared enemy. We needed to get close and close ranks against the crazy lady at the helm. Now that I'm gone, I realize how true that really was. At the new place, it took me a long time to make a friend. I was leary first off, because I didn't know who to trust - that was thinking left over from the old place. Also, we didn't have a common enemy so it wasn't necessary to form alliances so quickly. I have not met anyone at the new place that bitches constantly like some of the people at the old place. Teachers here truly like their job and the kids and the school. It is so nice to work at a normal place. It is not perfect, not by a long shot, but it is world's better than that other place.

I also, truly, honestly believe, that upon leaving that place you suffer a mild form of PTSD. Not comparing my experiences to veterans or someone who has been through some horrendous experience, but a really mild form. I lived the first 6 months at the new school in fear of screwing up. I did make a mistake and was completely panicked that I was going to get in trouble for it. Nothing happened. We fixed the mistake and moved on with our lives. It was amazing. I did not truly appreciate being treated like an adult and a professional until this year though. I don't get talked down to. People treat me like an adult. My opinions and ideas are valued and respected. It is such a change from the other place. And has resulted in a huge change in my attitude. For a long time I thought, what is the purpose of all this. I'm teaching these kids so they can go to college, get a job, and die. Now I see that I am making the world a better place a little bit at a time. I'm influencing young people, who will go on and do great things and influence other young people, and on and on.... I am touching the future. I am making a positive impact on the world. And I think that is the goal of everyone's life. First, do no harm.

Not sure where all this came from, but it has been rolling around in my head and needed to get out. I guess listening to my friend and how horrible it is over there and how miserable she is. I just want to say, get out. Get out now. She wants to wait for monetary reasons. I don't see the point of making yourself absolutely miserable over money. Yes, it will be hard, but it will work out someway.

In other areas of my life, things are moving forward though very slowly. The eating has not been great in that I'm just not eating enough. Yesterday I finally hit my protein and it was amazing. I have decided to start where I started back in May. I'm just going to log what I eat and try to hit the protein. Nothing else. That is the hardest for me and the one that makes the biggest difference. So I'll try that. Working out hasn't been so good either. I still have not made it to 24 hour fitness. And I ran on Monday morning but then did nothing the rest of the week. Not good. So I need to kick that part of my life into gear.

My dissertation is moving along however. I have been reading, reading, reading and it is doing some good. I feel the need to sit down and write some today to get things rolling. I still have a whole lot of reading to do, but I think I'm ready to start adding in the writing and start actually making progress.

Okay, right now I am starving and need to get some food. then I need to start working on the thesis, that is my goal today.

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