Habits Repeat


Why do i keep repeating my bad habits? Why? Why? Why?????

This week I had a number of interviews. I was getting up at 4 am to be ready to interview at 5 am. I had 2 schools I was really, really interested in. The first, Pointe School, I had the strangest interview with. The woman talked really, really fast and did most of the talking. She didn't ask me any of the standard interview questions, we basically just talked story for awhile. Then she decided she loved me and was ready to offer me a position. Weird. The good thing is that they had a brand new building with a brand new lab. Wow, how cool is that? But it was attractive because of the new lab. Then I had another school that I was really interested in. Heritage Academy is based on the principles of the founding fathers. Patriotism is huge in this school. I kind of like that because it instills a sense of morality in the students and I think that is really important. What really attracted me was the fact that they have a 4 day school week and a block schedule. The thought of 4 day school week is amazing. Having an entire day to grade, plan, prep, is just amazing. Plus, teachers do not have to go in on Fridays unless there is a meeting. Awesome sauce.... So I ended up with an offer from both places and I was a little torn. The real deciding factor was the 4 day work week. So I told Heritage that I would take the job. Now I have to tell Pointe that I won't. Ugh!!! As soon as I made my decision I started to second guess myself. The staff handbook makes them sound kind of like nazis. The teachers have to clean their own rooms and an area around their room. They have to monitor lunch or something. I don't know why it's freaking me out, it is really not that different from Damien. But I am second guessing myself. Ugh!!!! Plus I feel guilty because I told Pointe I was interested and now I have to tell them I'm not. I keep second guessing myself about picking Heritage. I feel like picking a school based on the 4 day school week is not a good idea. But what else would you pick a school by? Pay? That's not a better reason. Just because a school pays more does not mean it's a better school. So choosing it because of the 4 day week is as good a reason as any. So why am I second guessing myself? Even if it's a horrible school, I can do it for one year. Jeez...... I hate when i do this......

So I start second guessing myself and what happens? I start to shut down. I sleep more than I should. I stop doing things that I should be doing. I just start shutting down. It is horrible. Why do I do this? Why? I know that serves absolutely no purpose at all. None!! Yet that is repeatedly what I do in the face of stress. Why???? I really need to break that habit. I know that the first step to be aware of what you do and then work to change it. So it is time to work to change it. I just need to suck things up and act like an adult. I need to stop that.

I am such a work in progress still. I'm going to be 57 years old next week and I still have so much growing and learning to do. Will it ever end?? Do I want it to end??? Oh well, one thing I know that always helps set me straight is writing here. I can really work through my feelings and learn about myself here.

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