Why am I doing this?


It's been a while, almost a month. Lots have happened in that time. I'm still on AltShift and I'm doing the 2nd round of Activate. Initially, I thought that the momentum would carry me, but I quickly discovered that was not the case. I needed the reminding every day of what needed to be done, plus the pep talks that come with the program. So I started off really good. I did not post anywhere, but I had lost 15 lbs and a number of inches. Once I found that out, the deviations started coming fast and furious. I didn't meditate. I stopped getting my 10,000 steps or even really trying. I ate more food off shift. Etc. So I signed up for another round of Activate and then I didn't follow through. I wasn't listening to the videos in the morning. I wasn't doing my steps. And I was letting the shifts slip. And there was no good reason for any of it. So I need to stop deviating but I need to understand why I'm doing things. So this is my new mantra.


Anything that I do that is not part of my stated goals; meditating, eating on shift, walking 10,000 steps daily, and sleeping 8 hours; must be examined and understood BEFORE it happens. So instead of grabbing that donut, I must ask why am I doing that? Why would I want to put a donut in my mouth when I know that it cannot change anything that is going on around me? Why wouldn't I get my 10,000 steps when I know that doing so will make my back and hips hurt less. Why? So I need to examine every single deviation before it happens and understand it completely. Now, I may find that the deviation is worth it and then that's okay, but only if I understand it completely first. These 'conversations' with myself should not take but a couple of seconds.

Me: why are you doing this?
Me: because I want on
Me: how will this help?
Me; well, it will make me feel better.
Me; why do you feel bad?
Me; weill, I don't feel bad.
Me: then house can this make you feel better if you don't feel bad?
Me: well, I'm tired?
Me: and this will make you not tired?
Me: well, no but it will make me feel better while I'm tired
Me: how can this make you feel better while you're tired? This is a piece of food! The only thing it can do is provide nutrients to your body, but that particular piece of food contains just sugar and fat which will provide nothing of any substantial use to your body and could, in fact, make you feel worse.
Me: ugh, I hate logic!!!
Me: you love logic and you know it!!! Food makes you lie.

I realize now that I was not allowing the conversation to complete itself. I would think, oh, this will make me feel better. Which it doesn't. Or, it's just a small deviation. Which may well be true, but many small deviations lead to a large deviation. So that's it. Anything off shift will not be consumed or considered without a serious conversation with myself as to my true motivations.

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