07 February 2022

No, it wasn't that easy

 Yesterday my knee was acting up a bit. I did not take any ibuprofen until bed time and while I could walk and move and do things, it bothered me all day. The main problem was that it felt like it was swollen. It felt full. It wasn't swollen but it sure felt that way. I did take some ibuprofen before bed in an effort to get the swelling/fullness down. It seems to have worked some. 

Something that has been on my mind all day is that I think I am at the end of my journey with DMSC. They've started this weakless challenge thing where you do things like cold shower blasts at the end of your shower, delayed gratification, social discomfort, things like that. These things just don't resonate with me anymore. I can take a cold blast at the end of a shower, and?  I delay gratification all the time, it's how I work on not spending money. I don't have a lot of social discomfort. I don't wear makeup or dress up to go out. I honestly don't care what people think of me or the way I look. So I was wracking my brain to come up with social discomfort that I could do every week and literally I got none. Then there is things like mediation - which I'm rock solid on now, and unentertained time - which is something I relish whenever I can get it. There is one good thing, no complaining. That's good but that is also something I've figured out on my own. I know that complaining is not good for the mental state and I know that the way we view tasks or obstacles makes them harder or easier, so that is a good thing. 

But honestly though, his heart and most of his energy is going towards the other group he is running. You can feel that this group has become secondary in his priorities. And quite honestly, I'm not sure what I could get from him anymore. Many of his focuses have gone outside the realm of what I consider important. Being uncomfortable is good for you psyche but I don't believe I have a lot of issues with physical discomfort, mainly because I know that is fleeting. My issues come with mental discomfort and that can be controlled by being in control of my thoughts. 

I'm still tossing around quitting, I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing and that I'm doing it for the right reasons. I did not listen to the weekly focus or the podcast yesterday and I'm still toying with whether I want to or not. This group has definitely helped me make a lot of progress but I also realize that there will come a point where that doesn't happen. The only true constant in life is change and I have a feeling I may be on the verge of one. 

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