Step Away From the Cake

 Just saw a quote on my meditation app that said: "Vulnerability is not winning or losing, it's just showing up"  Wow! That's kind of powerful.  According to the dictionary: the state of being open to risk, pain, or judgement.  I don't like to be vulnerable. I just wrote that and realized it's not quite true. I don't particularly care what others think. I'm reaching a point, slowly, where others can't hurt me. It's not perfect, but I'm getting there. Hearing others say things about me, I'm able to put them off as their problem, not mine. It will bother me a little, but I am eventually able to shake it off. But looking at it differently, as just showing up, puts a whole new spin on it.  I hate to ask for help. Maybe that's part of being vulnerable. But most of my adult life I've hated asking for help. That is changing slowly. I'm more open to asking others for help and seeking out advice. So maybe I really am changing and gro...

 that's the line from an old song that I don't really remember, but I remember that line. Anyway, here we are at Saturday again. It's cold outside. We sat for a little while but I had to come in to really relax.  Now, for what's on my mind. Yesterday I went and checked out a workout place. It's a small place. They have small classes, never more than 6. So the classes are more like personal training than group classes. They focus on functional training, so not things to get big muscles, but things to help you get through life easily. There is a lot of core focus. I went to talk to them. Got an Inscan body measurement. Then did some movements so they could see how I move. Then did a short workout to get a taste of it. The truth is, I loved it. I love the small classes - I hate big classes. I love the individualized attention. And I love the focus on functional training. I love it. The problem is that it's $500 a month. That's the car payment for the Honda. Tha...

 I was going to sit outside and meditate but there is lots of lightning out there. Lots. I can't hear any thunder but it's too freaky to sit out there with all that lightning going on. I could meditate in here but this room is just not conducive to that. So here I am, writing.  I stopped using planners and notebooks about 6 months ago. Maybe longer, but it's been at least 6 months. I always say that I just don't have enough to write and organize to make using a planner or notebook worthwhile. Also, I tend to use it for a while and then stop. Well, along with my newfound organization at school that is actually working out fairly well, I have decided to jump back into the notebook game to try and up my organization at home. I found that lots of things were slipping through the cracks. I was forgetting to pay things. I'm forgetting to do things. I'm being reactive to most things in my life instead of proactive and I don't like that at all. So I'm back to a ...

 It's meditation time again and I'm not sure I'm doing this right but honestly, it works for me. The whole point of meditation is to learn to calm and control your thoughts. Well, this definitely helps me do that. By getting the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen it definitely helps me learn to control them. And it definitely calms me as I work through things that are bothering me. Yesterday I called and made an appointment with a workout place. This is something I go back and forth on all the time. I like having a workout place. I like going and having someone say this is what we are going to do today. You will lift this much weight, this many times and then you're done. I like that. I'm not an exercise person so having someone tell me what to do is great. At the same time, those places cost a lot of money. It will probably be $200/mo. That's money that I don't really want to spend right now. Also, changing my insurance in January I will get a free...

 Sounds weird, I know, but I don't. I do lots of things really well and many things I'm working to get better at. But nothing?? Yeah, I don't do that well at all. Or maybe I do it too well? Let's review. I got my Covid and Flu shot yesterday. Now usually they kind of knock me down for a day or so. In fact, 24 hours after the shot I generally start to feel crappy and that feeling usually lasts for about 24 hours. So I had kind of planned on not doing much today. I had a couple of ornaments to finish. I had laundry to do. That was about it. In general, I planned on not doing much at all. Well, the shots didn't hit me like they normally do. In fact, I've felt pretty good all day. Tired, but that's about it and that may be because it's the weekend and has nothing to do with the shots. But I stuck with my plan. I started laundry and worked on my ornaments. Got them all done. Then went to lay on the couch as watch TV for a bit. And I did. I watched a couple of...

 Actually it started yesterday but I didn't write yesterday so here we are. We went into school for a little bit yesterday. I did a lab during the week and it was a mess, so I went in to clean it up. I'm very glad I did. Now I just have to put things away on Monday but everything is clean. Yay.  After that we stopped for breakfast at Big Bear Dinner. It's funny how we go through phases. For a long time, probably years, we would go out to lunch on Fridays. Then a couple of months back we just kind of stopped that. No real reason, no decision, it just kind of faded out. Then recently we went out to breakfast a few times and it was really good. So breakfast seems to be our thing now. We've done this before. I prefer breakfast for a number of reasons. It's at the beginning of the day so I haven't really gotten into anything yet. Lunch is in the middle of the day and I would have to stop what I'm doing to go to lunch. Also, I really love breakfast. I would have b...

 is the week back from a break. I literally forgot that this is our first week back yesterday. I felt like I had been back for weeks already. Long week. Thankfully today is Thursday and the last day of the week.  My hip has been bothering me. Actually, my hip and my groin. The groin hurts whenever I lift my leg. So getting into the car, going up steps, etc. The hip just hurts. I know that I need to exercise and this week has been a cluster f*ck, so I'll try again next week. Actually, I'm going to try again this weekend. The program that I use has workouts Monday through Friday so I kind of feel obligated to use them Monday through Friday. There is no law says that I have to. I could use them Friday through Tuesday. Or Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday. I mean, I could use them whenever I want. Since I need to get back to working out, I think I will start using them on the weekends. See I have these weird like expectations in my head. I go to bed early, usually by 7...

 But I can't sit out back. It's 55F out there. Yikes, that's cold. So I'm back in here and I decided to write things out this morning. Not that I have much to say, but sometimes that leads to the best posts.  I am working so hard on staying organized at school and it is hard. Slowly the practices are becoming habits, but it's slow. I just keep working at it.  Which leads me to think that I need to do that with other things. I won't be perfect and it won't happen all the time, but I can keep trying until it does become habit. Habits take time. They don't develop overnight. They take time to sink in. Some habits develop quickly because they provide some kind of benefit or enjoyment to you. Others take time but they can be formed. Habit stacking is a great way to go but sometimes there is no habit to stack it with. For example, I have no real habits for ending the school day. I would just do whatever and then leave. There is no habit there to stack anything...

 I started this blog on September 6, 2004. That, if you do the math, is 22 years ago. For 22 years I've been writing in here. I've been documenting my life. Using it as my therapist. Getting my anger, frustration, joy, disappointment, every thing out here. I'm sure I've changed a lot. But many of my struggles are the same. The main ones being money and weight. That hasn't changed in 22 years. I'm still struggling with those things. But I'm also more accepting of my short comings in those areas so I guess I'm making progress. There's a song I love currently called Namaste Bitches that is just so freaking appropriate for the times we live in. "I'm all about love, I'm all about light, but I will spiritually roast you on sight".  It has so many good lines in it. I just went to find the lyrics and for reasons I can't explain, they are not available. Maybe because of all the curse words - there are a lot. Anyway, one of the lines is ...

 I have got to get my sh*t together. After my last post I have been working on changing my attitude and just doing things. I'm still struggling with my doom scrolling. I've got to stop that. I've cut back but I still do it, so I need to focus on not doing that. Time to figure out some habit stacking. What am I doing that I can stack a non-doom-scrolling habit on to? Working on it.  I have to start working on the physical body. Yes, I've been in pain and let that hold me back for 4 months now, but it's time to start working on getting past the pain and building some strength back. I'm going to change my Medicare and with it comes a gym membership. That will start on January 1 and so I would like to be in some kind of shape for the 1st so I'm ready to hit the gym. I know, that sounds silly, being in shape for the gym. But the way I am now, I can hardly do anything. I would like to get some normal movement and range of motion back before hitting the gym. I step...

 I have been spending a lot of my time hiding my head in the sand. I've been avoiding working on the budget because I'm not sure how to get ahead. I've been avoiding dealing with some of my email because there are things there I just don't want to think about. I have to stop. And it has to stop now. I am great at avoiding things. Seriously. I can hide my head in the sand like no one else. Time to suck it up and deal with it. Everything!!!!!! I can't avoid it just because I don't feel like dealing with it. That is so incredibly stupid. I think it might have something to do with what is happening in the country right now. It is so discouraging, our country is literally going to shit.  We have a f*cking wanna be dictator in the White House, and a bunch of no b*lls Congress that won't stand up to him. It makes me sad for my country. Dealing with that every day is a lot. And that could be part of what is happening with me. I definitely get the feeling of why both...

 I've been busy today. I took Akua to the park this morning and we walked the lake. I came home and headed right out to the garage. I glued the koi, which I was dreading doing. I was afraid that I would screw it up and I kind of did, but I managed to save it I think. I'll know tomorrow. I finally got my Walrus oil and oiled a bunch of pieces. It is amazing how good oil makes wood. Here is a before and after.  The right is before and the left is after. I've been looking at this for weeks now and really, really thought, meh, it's okay. After oiling it I'm in love. It's beautiful. The rest are just as nice. I need to take photos of all of them.  After that, I came into the house and started cutting. I cut 4 ornaments, sorted out some wood I had. And I cut the raven to make another raven on pumpkin. I also cut some leather to go around the mirrors. So busy.  I ended up ordering dinner from the Noodle Co. I just didn't feel like cooking.  It was a super good day....

 I know that meditation is done to calm the mind and give you control. Well, in many ways blogging does that for me. My mind is full of stuff, all kinds of stuff, and blogging helps me sort it out. It also helps me dig into things when I need to. Today it's going to help me figure out what I need to accomplish today.  I've spent the last two days kind of working on things and kind of not. Yesterday I fell asleep on the couch twice. Yeah, that doesn't need to happen. So here I am trying to prioritze the things I want to get done.  So first up is the art work. I need to glue the large koi and that is proving to be a bit of a problem. The thin wenge pieces, 1/16", are curling when I glue them. I think that I'm going to have to use the super glue and the acclerator so that they glue immediately and don't have a chance to curl. Getting that glued is going to take some time so that will probably be most of my morning.  I also need to edge the smaller pieces, oh and f...

 The first day of fall break is upon us. It's hard to believe. It feels like we just started but we are 11 weeks in. Hubby is off to San Francisco. Dropped him at the airport about an hour ago. I have the next few days to myself. Yes!!!! I have plans. I will be working in the garage on my art. I will be redecorating the front room. I will be planning for the next 11 weeks at school. I will keep myself busy. I also have to train the dog in the new car and work on his place in the house. I have lots to do and lots of time to do it in.  It's been a good first 11 weeks. I am holding the line in most things, but I've let some things slack a little. I will need to work on that next quarter.  I really don't feel like I have anything to talk about. I just don't. Things are good and rolling along. Oh, I know what. We ended up buying a new van. Two weeks ago I took Akua to training at Riparian Preserve. We walked around for about an hour and when we returned to the Bronco, he...

 It was a busy week, but it was good. I have discovered that since that colleague quit things, namely me, has been much more positive. Seriously. I've had a much better attitude and outlook. It's nice to be back to my happy, positive self. I realized that we had fallen into a pattern of complaining. I hadn't really realized it, at least consciously. I think on some level I did recognize it because I would avoid her at times and when faced with dealing with her, I would dread it. Instead of complaining and focusing on the negatives, I'm happy and focusing what worked and what didn't. I have the mental capacity to look objectively at a lesson and realize what went wrong and what went right. And it's easy to make the adjustments on the fly because I have the mental room to do that. It's amazing how much energy I spent in trying to avoid her, or deal with her, or worry about dealing with her. It's crazy. I feel a little bad about this, but not too much. I th...

 I did move my art 1 inch forward today, just barely. But I got distracted by something. Let me explain.  I took Akua for training this morning. We went to the Riparian Preserve. It's a beautiful wetland that has lots of water and animals and paths to walk. It really is an awesome place to take the dogs. So I met the trainer there and we walked our dogs there for an hour. Before I get to the distraction I want to say that Akua did great. He didn't even really react to her Great Dane and was really good with almost all the other dogs we saw. There were a few that were yappy and out of control, but we survived it and he overall did really good. Okay, now that that is out of the way, we were leaving the preserve and Akua was having trouble getting into the Bronco. He was tired and jumping up into the Bronco took energy he didn't seem go have. We got in and all was well, but it got me to thinking. I want to go on road trips and I just don't think the Bronco will be a good f...

 So I posted about moving my art 1 inch forward. That thinking has really been a game changer for me. I made that post 4 days ago and it's really resonated with me and it's been in my head ever since. I've been coming home from work and doing something on my art. It's not a lot, it's not huge amount of work, but it is something. The only night I didn't do anything was Thursday night because that night I didn't get home until 9pm. I gave myself a pass. Yesterday, Friday, I was really tired and only worked on my art for a very short time but I did do something. Today I got up and headed out to the garage first thing in the morning and got a lot of work done. I am trying something new. I am recording everything I do and narrating what I'm doing as I go. I find that I am very deliberate with what I do and it really helps me think through what I'm doing. I will take the videos and make a long form one for YouTube and short reels for social media. I can si...

 This will be a random assortment of stuff and won't necessarily be related to anything else, but here goes.  I'm looking to plan a summer trip and trying to decide if I want to follow what there is of Route 66 home or if I want to go by way of Wyoming. Either way there are lots of cool things to see, I just need to pick one. The Route 66 is honestly the most appealing because we have no idea how much longer all that stuff we be around. So much has been lost already. Whereas the things in Wyoming are natural and should still be there in a few years. At least providing our president keeps his hands off them. So there's that.  Hubby is leaving for a few days at the beginning of fall break. I'm happy and not so happy about that. It's always nice to have a few days to myself. I don't have to see what he's doing or what he wants to do. I don't have to answer what do I want for dinner or lunch or breakfast. I can not eat a meal if I so choose to. So that will ...

 I was listening to a podcast the other day and the guy on it was saying do something every day that moves you one inch forward. No matter what you are doing, work to move things one inch forward. So I want to do my art and that is something I can work on when I get home from work for a little bit. Enough to move it one inch forward. So I did that last night. I glued the acrylic to the turtle and let that set. Tonight I started placing the turtle. I didn't finish it, but I made progress. I moved it one inch forward. I have to keep that in mind in all things. Just one inch. I don't have to make huge progress all the time. I just need to make a little progress. That's what I'm going to focus on. I have a tendency to think since I can't make huge strides it's not worth doing. I have to lose that attitude. One inch. That's all I need, one inch.  I need to have that attitude for everything. One inch is all I need. I want to work on Akua and his place command. I t...

 sometimes that's just what happens. There are days where I want to sit and still my mind and just be peaceful. Then there are other days where I just want to write and get these things out of my head. Today it's the latter.  What a weekend it has been. On Friday I had a meeting in Queen Creek from 8:30 to noon. Then I had a hair appointment at 1:45 and that lasted 2.5 hours. After that I was taking tickets at the homecoming game until 8:30. It was a long, busy day and when I got home I was just exhausted. I slept in on Saturday until almost 6am - that's late for me. Then yesterday I had nothing during the day but was working the homecoming dance last night. I got there around 6:15pm and was there until 9:30pm. Some of the people that volunteered didn't show up so there were very few adults there. Luckily, our kids are overall very good and things seemed to go very well. The DJ was awesome. Today I have nothing and I am so enjoying it.  I am cutting out some minis today...