Step Away From the Cake

 Right now I am "meditating". I do this sometimes instead of sitting quietly and trying to quiet my mind. I have been saying to myself that this works as well as meditation because it calms my mind, slows my thoughts, and definitely puts me more in touch with myself. But is that true? Am I fooling myself into believing that this is as good as meditation? I do believe that journaling, freely journaling, can be extremely beneficial. I know for me it definitely helps me sort out the jumbled thoughts in my head. I also feel like I can focus more when I journal regularly. It has helped me come to understand that not everything is about me. That I can survive most things. And that what happens in the world generally doesn't affect me as much as I think it does. I think that journaling helps me put distance between my feelings and what is really happening. Of course, I have the ability to separate feelings from reality. And that's not something everyone can do. Imagine if ev...

 I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of nights. I wake up in the middle of the night and start worrying about the 3-day festival I have coming up. I'm worrying about the fact that I need to buy a tent. That I need to leave my art there overnight for 2 nights. That I don't freaking know what the hell I've gotten myself into. I've just been kind of freaking out about it and of course that happens at 2am. So last night I sat down and wrote an email to the lady coordinating it just to get a little reassurance from the organizers. I also talked to Hubby about it. He was very wise and I should have talked to him right away. He said, they've been doing this for 30 years, I'm sure they have it down and know what they are doing. He's right. Yes, it might not be perfect, but they have been doing this a long, long time and I'm sure they make it as safe as is possible. Could something go wrong? Absolutely! Is it likely? No, not really. So I felt better ...

 I've always said that I must have ADHD because I can't seem to stay with anything very long. I will start something and then lose interest, or forget, or just lose track of what I'm doing. But the truth is, in many ways I can only focus on one thing at a time. For example, I've been so focused on my art for the last few weeks that I haven't been paying attention to much of anything else. I've been eating like crap. My food intake yesterday was the following:  coffee french toast candy soup and 1/2 a tuna sandwich more candy cinnamon roll with ice cream Yeah, that's not even close to good. I am a little hungry this morning which is not surprising considering I had no real nutrition yesterday. I was busy thinking about school work and the show I have coming up in 5 weeks. Yikes!!! I'm going to expose myself to the world in 5 weeks. Yikes!!!! So I need to learn to shift my focus from time to time throughout the day. I should plan my food here at home, that...

 So it's weird. It's like something has tripped inside my head. Every night I sit on the couch watching TV and this week I've been working on my photos and my website. Every. Night. That is so odd. It's like something has finally clicked. I'm posting things I have made. I'm updating all my listings. It's awesome. I don't know what changed, but something clearly did. I have been watching reels on how to make decent videos. I have a free course on how to use Edits to edit videos. Last night I threw together a video of me entering the  workroom from 3 different perspectives. It's weird how this stuff is suddenly rising to the surface. I've brought some school work home and I need to get that finished this weekend and I'm set on doing that too. I don't think I'll be cutting this weekend but that's okay. Sometimes you cut and glue. Sometimes you film and edit. And sometimes you do schoolwork. Accepting that different things need to get...

 I have got to keep that in mind. One inch forward progress every day. Yesterday I made just one inch and that's okay. It was kind of a big inch (if that makes sense). I discovered that PhotoRoom can post directly to my Shopify store. Um, hello??? I can create images in PhotoRoom and then have PhotoRoom create the listing and post it directly to Shopify. WTF??? Yes, I have to make some changes and add some things, but dude, the heavy lifting is done for me. I have fun creating photos in PhotoRoom and now will be able to post them right to Shopify. I am so in. I created 2 listings last night from work I had already done. Anything at all that makes this whole process easier, I'm there for. So that is my latest discovery. All these things exist to make life easier, I need to really start using them.  In other news, I have none. Just plugging through the week. I feel like my life is divided into two parts. One part is the work and the other part is the business. I try to keep them...

 what a little forward motion will do. 1 inch forward is the absolute truth and a real game changer. I have been in such a pit for a few months now. I have seriously considered just giving up on this art thing. I mean seriously. I really only hung in because it took too much to shut everything down. Then something this weekend just kind of kicked in. I sat at my computer on Friday or Saturday, I think it was Friday, and just starting making posts. Just started putting things out there again. For no reason. There was no plan. No intention. I just started posting. That little bit of movement caused some further movement. On Saturday I sat and cut out 12 ornaments. Then sat and put them all together. Saturday night I glued them all. Sunday morning I oiled them all. Took pictures of them all. Then sat last night updating my website for the first time in freaking months. Probably close to a year. Seriously don't know what happened. Could not tell you what changed, but something clearly ...

 Just saw a quote on my meditation app that said: "Vulnerability is not winning or losing, it's just showing up"  Wow! That's kind of powerful.  According to the dictionary: the state of being open to risk, pain, or judgement.  I don't like to be vulnerable. I just wrote that and realized it's not quite true. I don't particularly care what others think. I'm reaching a point, slowly, where others can't hurt me. It's not perfect, but I'm getting there. Hearing others say things about me, I'm able to put them off as their problem, not mine. It will bother me a little, but I am eventually able to shake it off. But looking at it differently, as just showing up, puts a whole new spin on it.  I hate to ask for help. Maybe that's part of being vulnerable. But most of my adult life I've hated asking for help. That is changing slowly. I'm more open to asking others for help and seeking out advice. So maybe I really am changing and gro...

 that's the line from an old song that I don't really remember, but I remember that line. Anyway, here we are at Saturday again. It's cold outside. We sat for a little while but I had to come in to really relax.  Now, for what's on my mind. Yesterday I went and checked out a workout place. It's a small place. They have small classes, never more than 6. So the classes are more like personal training than group classes. They focus on functional training, so not things to get big muscles, but things to help you get through life easily. There is a lot of core focus. I went to talk to them. Got an Inscan body measurement. Then did some movements so they could see how I move. Then did a short workout to get a taste of it. The truth is, I loved it. I love the small classes - I hate big classes. I love the individualized attention. And I love the focus on functional training. I love it. The problem is that it's $500 a month. That's the car payment for the Honda. Tha...

 I was going to sit outside and meditate but there is lots of lightning out there. Lots. I can't hear any thunder but it's too freaky to sit out there with all that lightning going on. I could meditate in here but this room is just not conducive to that. So here I am, writing.  I stopped using planners and notebooks about 6 months ago. Maybe longer, but it's been at least 6 months. I always say that I just don't have enough to write and organize to make using a planner or notebook worthwhile. Also, I tend to use it for a while and then stop. Well, along with my newfound organization at school that is actually working out fairly well, I have decided to jump back into the notebook game to try and up my organization at home. I found that lots of things were slipping through the cracks. I was forgetting to pay things. I'm forgetting to do things. I'm being reactive to most things in my life instead of proactive and I don't like that at all. So I'm back to a ...

 It's meditation time again and I'm not sure I'm doing this right but honestly, it works for me. The whole point of meditation is to learn to calm and control your thoughts. Well, this definitely helps me do that. By getting the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen it definitely helps me learn to control them. And it definitely calms me as I work through things that are bothering me. Yesterday I called and made an appointment with a workout place. This is something I go back and forth on all the time. I like having a workout place. I like going and having someone say this is what we are going to do today. You will lift this much weight, this many times and then you're done. I like that. I'm not an exercise person so having someone tell me what to do is great. At the same time, those places cost a lot of money. It will probably be $200/mo. That's money that I don't really want to spend right now. Also, changing my insurance in January I will get a free...

 Sounds weird, I know, but I don't. I do lots of things really well and many things I'm working to get better at. But nothing?? Yeah, I don't do that well at all. Or maybe I do it too well? Let's review. I got my Covid and Flu shot yesterday. Now usually they kind of knock me down for a day or so. In fact, 24 hours after the shot I generally start to feel crappy and that feeling usually lasts for about 24 hours. So I had kind of planned on not doing much today. I had a couple of ornaments to finish. I had laundry to do. That was about it. In general, I planned on not doing much at all. Well, the shots didn't hit me like they normally do. In fact, I've felt pretty good all day. Tired, but that's about it and that may be because it's the weekend and has nothing to do with the shots. But I stuck with my plan. I started laundry and worked on my ornaments. Got them all done. Then went to lay on the couch as watch TV for a bit. And I did. I watched a couple of...

 Actually it started yesterday but I didn't write yesterday so here we are. We went into school for a little bit yesterday. I did a lab during the week and it was a mess, so I went in to clean it up. I'm very glad I did. Now I just have to put things away on Monday but everything is clean. Yay.  After that we stopped for breakfast at Big Bear Dinner. It's funny how we go through phases. For a long time, probably years, we would go out to lunch on Fridays. Then a couple of months back we just kind of stopped that. No real reason, no decision, it just kind of faded out. Then recently we went out to breakfast a few times and it was really good. So breakfast seems to be our thing now. We've done this before. I prefer breakfast for a number of reasons. It's at the beginning of the day so I haven't really gotten into anything yet. Lunch is in the middle of the day and I would have to stop what I'm doing to go to lunch. Also, I really love breakfast. I would have b...

 is the week back from a break. I literally forgot that this is our first week back yesterday. I felt like I had been back for weeks already. Long week. Thankfully today is Thursday and the last day of the week.  My hip has been bothering me. Actually, my hip and my groin. The groin hurts whenever I lift my leg. So getting into the car, going up steps, etc. The hip just hurts. I know that I need to exercise and this week has been a cluster f*ck, so I'll try again next week. Actually, I'm going to try again this weekend. The program that I use has workouts Monday through Friday so I kind of feel obligated to use them Monday through Friday. There is no law says that I have to. I could use them Friday through Tuesday. Or Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday. I mean, I could use them whenever I want. Since I need to get back to working out, I think I will start using them on the weekends. See I have these weird like expectations in my head. I go to bed early, usually by 7...

 But I can't sit out back. It's 55F out there. Yikes, that's cold. So I'm back in here and I decided to write things out this morning. Not that I have much to say, but sometimes that leads to the best posts.  I am working so hard on staying organized at school and it is hard. Slowly the practices are becoming habits, but it's slow. I just keep working at it.  Which leads me to think that I need to do that with other things. I won't be perfect and it won't happen all the time, but I can keep trying until it does become habit. Habits take time. They don't develop overnight. They take time to sink in. Some habits develop quickly because they provide some kind of benefit or enjoyment to you. Others take time but they can be formed. Habit stacking is a great way to go but sometimes there is no habit to stack it with. For example, I have no real habits for ending the school day. I would just do whatever and then leave. There is no habit there to stack anything...

 I started this blog on September 6, 2004. That, if you do the math, is 22 years ago. For 22 years I've been writing in here. I've been documenting my life. Using it as my therapist. Getting my anger, frustration, joy, disappointment, every thing out here. I'm sure I've changed a lot. But many of my struggles are the same. The main ones being money and weight. That hasn't changed in 22 years. I'm still struggling with those things. But I'm also more accepting of my short comings in those areas so I guess I'm making progress. There's a song I love currently called Namaste Bitches that is just so freaking appropriate for the times we live in. "I'm all about love, I'm all about light, but I will spiritually roast you on sight".  It has so many good lines in it. I just went to find the lyrics and for reasons I can't explain, they are not available. Maybe because of all the curse words - there are a lot. Anyway, one of the lines is ...

 I have got to get my sh*t together. After my last post I have been working on changing my attitude and just doing things. I'm still struggling with my doom scrolling. I've got to stop that. I've cut back but I still do it, so I need to focus on not doing that. Time to figure out some habit stacking. What am I doing that I can stack a non-doom-scrolling habit on to? Working on it.  I have to start working on the physical body. Yes, I've been in pain and let that hold me back for 4 months now, but it's time to start working on getting past the pain and building some strength back. I'm going to change my Medicare and with it comes a gym membership. That will start on January 1 and so I would like to be in some kind of shape for the 1st so I'm ready to hit the gym. I know, that sounds silly, being in shape for the gym. But the way I am now, I can hardly do anything. I would like to get some normal movement and range of motion back before hitting the gym. I step...

 I have been spending a lot of my time hiding my head in the sand. I've been avoiding working on the budget because I'm not sure how to get ahead. I've been avoiding dealing with some of my email because there are things there I just don't want to think about. I have to stop. And it has to stop now. I am great at avoiding things. Seriously. I can hide my head in the sand like no one else. Time to suck it up and deal with it. Everything!!!!!! I can't avoid it just because I don't feel like dealing with it. That is so incredibly stupid. I think it might have something to do with what is happening in the country right now. It is so discouraging, our country is literally going to shit.  We have a f*cking wanna be dictator in the White House, and a bunch of no b*lls Congress that won't stand up to him. It makes me sad for my country. Dealing with that every day is a lot. And that could be part of what is happening with me. I definitely get the feeling of why both...

 I've been busy today. I took Akua to the park this morning and we walked the lake. I came home and headed right out to the garage. I glued the koi, which I was dreading doing. I was afraid that I would screw it up and I kind of did, but I managed to save it I think. I'll know tomorrow. I finally got my Walrus oil and oiled a bunch of pieces. It is amazing how good oil makes wood. Here is a before and after.  The right is before and the left is after. I've been looking at this for weeks now and really, really thought, meh, it's okay. After oiling it I'm in love. It's beautiful. The rest are just as nice. I need to take photos of all of them.  After that, I came into the house and started cutting. I cut 4 ornaments, sorted out some wood I had. And I cut the raven to make another raven on pumpkin. I also cut some leather to go around the mirrors. So busy.  I ended up ordering dinner from the Noodle Co. I just didn't feel like cooking.  It was a super good day....

 I know that meditation is done to calm the mind and give you control. Well, in many ways blogging does that for me. My mind is full of stuff, all kinds of stuff, and blogging helps me sort it out. It also helps me dig into things when I need to. Today it's going to help me figure out what I need to accomplish today.  I've spent the last two days kind of working on things and kind of not. Yesterday I fell asleep on the couch twice. Yeah, that doesn't need to happen. So here I am trying to prioritze the things I want to get done.  So first up is the art work. I need to glue the large koi and that is proving to be a bit of a problem. The thin wenge pieces, 1/16", are curling when I glue them. I think that I'm going to have to use the super glue and the acclerator so that they glue immediately and don't have a chance to curl. Getting that glued is going to take some time so that will probably be most of my morning.  I also need to edge the smaller pieces, oh and f...

 The first day of fall break is upon us. It's hard to believe. It feels like we just started but we are 11 weeks in. Hubby is off to San Francisco. Dropped him at the airport about an hour ago. I have the next few days to myself. Yes!!!! I have plans. I will be working in the garage on my art. I will be redecorating the front room. I will be planning for the next 11 weeks at school. I will keep myself busy. I also have to train the dog in the new car and work on his place in the house. I have lots to do and lots of time to do it in.  It's been a good first 11 weeks. I am holding the line in most things, but I've let some things slack a little. I will need to work on that next quarter.  I really don't feel like I have anything to talk about. I just don't. Things are good and rolling along. Oh, I know what. We ended up buying a new van. Two weeks ago I took Akua to training at Riparian Preserve. We walked around for about an hour and when we returned to the Bronco, he...